pisceshippie

So I am new to this whole thing but I realized I needed some support because I am afraid I might lose my mind without it. My story in a nutshell is this: the love of my life, my best friend, the father of my youngest child, my husband -is an addict. He has always struggled with addiction from sometimes over drinking to needing to have pot to working to hard to whatever the next thing is. However, 5 years ago an employee of his introduced him to heroin. Where before - he never did anything that lasted - this one has beaten him so far. He did it for about 3 months before I realized what was going on. I can't believe how subtle this drug is. He can function almost totally normal on it. Money was my first clue. He went cold turkey after telling me everything. He stayed off it for about 3 years. Which is amazing. Then I lost a very close family member. I was detached and a wreck. He started using again. For at least 2 months. I found out again and he confessed everything and went cold turkey again. Horrible dts again but he stopped and was totally normal again. Then we lost another family member. And once again - he started using. Once again I caught on but this time he found someone who was giving him morphine. This stopped the heroin but that was really as bad. He finally got off that. For 2 months. I just found out this week that for the past 10-15 days he has been back on heroin. He is currently going through dts but does have an apt tomorrow to meet with a DR who prescribes the suboxin or whatever it is. So for this entire year, he has been on it as much as not on it. I am not sure he can beat this and I am very worried about what I will do if he can't. We have one child who is very young and I have two other children from a previous marriage. I have also found out that he stole something very valuable from someone we know. I have the item now and have no idea how to return it. I also suspect he has hocked some very important things that we need for a business but he is too wrecked right now to even talk or tell me the damage that has been caused in this last month.
I love this man more than anything on earth but how much can I take? My best friends are saying I am enabling him but I don't think I am doing anything other than being a loving partner. I won't accept it once I know and then he always stops. I plan to drug test him every two weeks this time so I don't miss what is going on. I don't allow him access to our banking account and haven't since the first time. I never give him money for the drug but he can go out and make his own money everyday with what he does and I don't even know how much he made because he lies.
I am so angry that he has apparently spent hundreds of dollars in the past two weeks that we A NEEDED and B Christmas presents for the kids aren't even bought. I can't believe that I have been struggling over bills and making ends meet while saving for the holiday while he has been out there every day buying this crap. I know it is an addiction but the first time he did it it was not. And the 2nd time when he relapsed and again it was a choice. I feel like he chose that over me. Over our family.
I am trying to be as supportive and NICE as I can while he is in so much pain right now but at what point down the line IF he slips again do I have to kick him out? Do I ever do that? I really am sort of lost and alone. And I feel like a dumb ass for believing in him.

LoveMeNow

Welcome to SR but I am truly sorry for what brings you here. We have a great Friends and Family of substance abusers here. I suggest you post this there. There are a lot of wonderful people there with many of the same issues you are experiencing. There are some great stickies there to help you educate yourself on addiction.

You may not like what is said, I know I didn't, but it was extremely accurate.

Please join us over there. Perhaps a MOD could move this post to that section??

Dee74

Hi PiscesHippie

I've actually moved your thread to the FFSA forum LoveMeNow mentioned.
I know you'll find support and encouragement here

welcome to SR

D

Kindeyes

Hey there.....welcome. This is a great forum with a great deal of collective wisdom. I hope you stick around, read, and learn as much as you can about addiction and codependence.

We all understand what it's like to love someone who is addicted. You are not alone.

gentle hugs
ke

dollydo

"I love this man more than anything on earth but how much can I take?'

IMO, it is your children who should be your priorty, not him. Children who are raised
in a home where addiction is present suffer greatly. They internalize their fears and carry
their childhood into adulthood. They are the true victims.

Take some time to read to read the stickeys and cynical one's blogs, which can be gotten to
at the top of this page, helpful information at your fingertips.

I am sorry that you are going through this, however, you have choices, your minor children do not, you are their voice, their future.

Justfor1

The title of your thread caught my eye. I'm not really sure what the worst drug is. I have known many alcoholics who having heard their stories, you might say alcohol. I had a good friend who was a heroin addict who quit. Not clean & sober but switched to crack cocaine & booze. He told me that the crack brought him down to hell in just a few months. There is only so much heroin one can consume in a day. You either are so high you can't move or you end up overdosing.

Vale

pisceshippie,

The title of your thread....is dead on accurate.The devils drug,and the
stealer of souls.Oxy isn't that far behind.It turned a wonderful vibrant
person I knew......into a zombie.
I don't use the word hate lightly.
But I HATE addiction.Take a happy home,full of secure,fullfilled,loving
people and warm happy puppies----all snuggled up around a warm fire,
loving life.....
That's what I have.That's what the addict I cared about HAD---until
she opened up that Pandora's box and let that disgusting snake steal her
life away from her.Her whole life.
She will probably spend this Christmas as she has he last few....shoplifting
to gather $ for her next fix.It's hard to make a living shoplifting when you're
limited to walking range (the shopkeepers tend to take note).
Tomorrow marks one year no contact,and the next phase of a difficult but
necessary process for me.....putting the whole matter out of my mind.
What I won't forget----is the raw courage,wisdom,and compassion that I
have found on SR.
I hope that will be your experience,also.

interrupted

Sometimes when you are too close to the chaos you lose sight of how crazy things have become.

There are three children living with an active IV drug user who lies and steals while their mom plays parole officer and shuttles stolen goods around.

You aren't controlling whether he uses or not, and the voice inside saying that he gets clean because you won't put up with addiction is your ego talking.

Your friends are right, you are enabling him. BUT it's not the end of the world! We have all made mistakes, we all still make them every single day, and we'll keep on making them as long as we're human. But once we learn better, we do better. You can decide to save yourself, to save your children, and to build a healthy life for them away from the madness of addiction. Or if it's too soon for you to make any decisions, that's okay, too - is there a safe place where your kids can stay while you figure things out? I know this sounds harsh, but it is coming from a place of love and concern for you and your children. I'm sorry that you're in this struggle, but you're no longer struggling alone. Welcome to SR.

blackandblue

Heroin is the devil in disguise- clever, cunning, and dark- which is why it is nicknamed "God's warmest blanket." It is the most deceptive drug. I literally had one foot in hell with my ex while I was living with him and his addiction. It is meant to be a brilliant medicine when used correctly for extreme pain and end of life/terminal illness. No one uses it "recreationally." They use it to disappear.