deadhead88

At 47 I've found myself back on H, severe depression/anxiety, unable to find a job, lost friends........All that comes with addiction, thank god my wife has hung in here with me, shes been clean for 8 yrs. I WAS clean for 10 yrs until I got on pills for cluster headaches. Since then its been off/on with H and Suboxone. But the depression/anxiety only get worse and at one time opies worked magic for my mental issues. Seems that has come to an end. Since Oct I have been mainly on H with 4-6 day off with Sub to help here and there. The depression has gotten so bad that suicide has been a thought. But I have a wonderful wife and my son is struggling with his own addiction and I cannot leave them with all the questions/feelings that come when a friend/lover takes their life. I cannot do that to them. We've had so many life problems that have left us almost broke. My H addiction didn't help with that. Seems that I almost have a "curse" as EVERYTHING I do goes absolutely nowhere. Your thinking self pity at this point and yes, there is some of that in me for sure. But seriously, my wife/I have had plumbing issues with our home that costs us $1000's and $1000,s to fix. Got that taken care of then a 17 yr old totaled out my wifes car while I was driving. Her fault but dealing with the insurance co. has been a daily effort. A month later and still not much happening on their end. My mom is losing it and we're not sure whats really going on with her. I'll just say she is always right and trying to talk to her with compassion and love is difficult. Son is in prison and we don't even know when he's getting out but it could be right around christmas. Can't find a job due to my past criminal record. Its 10 yrs old but employeers still see my old record and it does influence them. After 40 or so applications, I've only recieved 1 call back. So I am totally broke and in debt. Life is hard as hell right now and on top of it all, my brain is taking a bi polar trip thru hell...........BUT, I feel human this morning. Only 2 days off H and am on Sub. The last time I quit cold turkey it damn near put me over the edge. I went into a SEVERE mania for 6 mths after that. NOTHING, would help me sleep or slow my mind down. It was BAD BAD BAD. Cannot go thru that or put my wife thru that again.
Sorry for being so long. I am looking for support in my desire to stay off opies and get back in AA/NA. At my age my friends who use are dead, prison and the ones that are alive, are NOT living. I've lost a lot of my AA/NA friends but thats another situation. If your just starting out on opies, PLEASE stop. If you get that moment of clarity about your addiction, please take advantage and get clean. You might not have the chance again to get clean. Take it while you can get it. I love all of you!

Lyoness

Hi welcome. Wow, you are going through so much, I'm sorry it's so rough right now. And that is incredible you're still managing to get off H. Take a minute to really let it sink in how amazing that is that you are doing that right now!

I feel for you with the depression, we're writing on my depression thread, too. I almost didn't write it cuz I thought I was too self-pitying but am glad I did now. I guess a lot of us struggle with this when going off opiates. And seems like a common thread that we all had depression before opiates....and those opiates fooled us into thinking we were better all the while making everything worse.

Keep coming here to SR. So far it's the best anti-depressant I know of.

tbeit

I'm sorry your going through this right now. Your right suicide is not the answer please dont go there it gets infectous and for me I obsess on it and it starts to become a good idea. Can you talk to a professional maybe call the county health dept and they can refer you to some low cost/free counseling.
Where are you getting the suboxone from a Dr.? maybe she/he can help you or steer you in the right direction

You have done this before and you can do it again your story is much like mine. Good Luck to you keep posting it helps

deadhead88

I really appreciate the support! And yep, I think depression is a common theme with opiate addicts. Guess there are as many different reasons as there are addicts, but the depression is a biggie. It seems that dope has "turned" on me in that its making me depressed. My mind gets pretty speedy sometimes on dope and its NEVER telling me good stuff! In a way I'm glad I see that its not working anymore. For quite a while it did to some degree. I almost always felt ok with myself and fairly happy after doing opiates. But now that I'm dealing with the most darkest depression I"ve ever been thru, and having 2 days clean, I do see that maybe I'm turning a corner. Hell, being that H usually worked is why I kept using! I realize that its still going to be a lot of work getting clean and staying positive. Keeping positive has got to be a goal of mine. Got the lowest self esteem ever. But doing H and living that lie is NOT exactly a self esteem booster. Due to my criminal record really keeping me from getting a job, I started a "high end" tie dye business. I do mandalas, and all sorts of different folds and even learned some techniques from some guys from Japan, which is where american tie dye came from. I've not listened to music nor dyed anything for 3 mths now! And I usually listen to music everyday, its a works wonders for me! Guess part of the miracle is that I feel like creating today which is a good sign. That'll have to wait til tonight, as I have to deal with getting my wife a new car. Thank god we got barely enough to get her vehicle. Now if we can settle with the small doc bills and all that we can put THAT behind us. ALL our $ has gone for copays and I've no job. VERY easy to beat upon myself at this time but I am going to make this a decent day. Thanks again.......Hope your doing well today!

Marcus

Hey DeadHead. I like the name. I would like to say Here Comes Sunshine, but that might be overly optimistic. I dug myself a very deep hole thanks to dope, but trust me it can ALWAYS get worse. It sucks when the only thing that gives you any relief is the one thing that is killing you and making your life a living hell. It sounds like you have been around the block a few times so probably know what you need to do, but actually doing it can be difficult.

47 that is pretty old for a dopehead. You have 9 years on me and I have already seen most of my using buddies either die (a few from od's, one walked out in front of a train, and another hung himself) or end up with long term prison sentences. Crazy that I see the fate of others, but somehow think I may be different at times.

Acceptance is important for me. The realization that using any amount is going to eventually kill me. I can't just pick up a few bags and get back on track tomorrow. One decision to use could throw me into a tailspin for weeks, months, or even years and I might not ever make it back. That feeling of hopelessness sure does suck, but sometimes it is what is needed for you to take a look in the mirror. Draw a line in the sand and make a choice to do something different today. Today is all we have so focus on that for now. You are not going to get out of this in one day, but if you start building back your integrity and self worth you might surprise yourself how quickly your outlook can change.

So what are you going to do today for yourself and your recovery? What changes are you willing to make? How far are you willing to go? If nothing changes nothing changes right? Take Care!

deadhead88

Thanks Marcus....one major thing is NOT use. Trying to stay positive in the middle of whats going on is important as well. There is SOME sunshine so maybe Here Comes Sunshine is not too far fetched. lol It does say COMES as in its not here but maybe a light at the end of the tunnel. "Sometimes you get shown the light, in the strangest of places of you look at it right" is one of my favorite lyrics.
Staying clean for 10 yrs is probably the ONLY reason I"m alive and half way well. Certainly feeling some effects of all the yrs using but compared to my using friends who didn't get a "break", I'm doing fantastic. Some are in pain all the time. Pretty sad. I too need to remember that I'm eligible to go thru more pain and even death if I keep using. We've lost several "old" junkies to OD's lately. One girl, who I do love as a friend, is so hopelssly junked out. She's kinda skinny but lately she's ballooned up around her waist. I really think its her liver and she even mentioned it one day. Doesn't look good for her. peace