how to move on or hang in??
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: ireland
Posts: 23
how to move on or hang in??
hi, i'm new here.. trying to get the hang of how this site works -sorry for how long this post is!
am wondering if anyone could help me make sense of what's happening with my 'fiance'...
we've been together four years and were engaged, there have been some tough times along the way due to his relationship with alcohol (he wasn't a really heavy drinker, the problem was more to do with why he'd drink) but we loved each other so much- and still do. he was sexually abused when he was younger and never really dealt with the issues that came from that, until a year or so back..my father was killed in an accident and instead of supporting me, BF went off the rails and had a meltdown. i was so confused already after my dad's death, i couldn't handle losing BF too, so i supported and stuck by him until worrying about him got too much, i said i was done with him, then he said he'd go to counselling, unfortunately the counsellor wasn't qualified and she did more harm than good. since things have gotten harder and harder, me trying to be hopeful and hold things together, him becoming more depressed and detached, pushing me away while saying he would try sort himself out by seeing a psychotherapist. saying he wanted to deal with his problems so he could be the man i deserved etc..and i believed him..
three months ago i was given a great opportunity to start a business, and i moved a two hour journey away for this. he started college, since then i have seen him twice and it's been sh1t, he's drank himself into oblivion, started going to aa..still drinking, had his stomach pumped, told me he's used heroin on and off for the past yr and a half... 'bonded' with this woman in aa, told me he was no good for me right now and needed his space to sort himself out, couldn't handle upsetting me and wanted to break up- temporarily. then i found out he'd already cheated with the woman in aa and kissed a girl from college... i feel like such an idiot because i still love him! he seems so messed up right now he's not able to care about anything..
and i know the underlying reason for all of this was out of his hands, also he's not trying to make me stay, he wants me to meet someone better and be happy so it's hard for me to hate him. he says if he did get better all he would want is us to have a future again.
he's in early recovery, is this sort of thing normal behaviour? while at this stage i know i can't wait around for him, i'm just hoping someday we'll still have the future we wanted before. am finding it so hard to break contact, can't stop crying and feel sick not being able to talk to him or see him... i know i should but i don't want to move on myself... has anybody been here? i'd hugely appreciate any advice.. thanks for reading this essay!!
am wondering if anyone could help me make sense of what's happening with my 'fiance'...
we've been together four years and were engaged, there have been some tough times along the way due to his relationship with alcohol (he wasn't a really heavy drinker, the problem was more to do with why he'd drink) but we loved each other so much- and still do. he was sexually abused when he was younger and never really dealt with the issues that came from that, until a year or so back..my father was killed in an accident and instead of supporting me, BF went off the rails and had a meltdown. i was so confused already after my dad's death, i couldn't handle losing BF too, so i supported and stuck by him until worrying about him got too much, i said i was done with him, then he said he'd go to counselling, unfortunately the counsellor wasn't qualified and she did more harm than good. since things have gotten harder and harder, me trying to be hopeful and hold things together, him becoming more depressed and detached, pushing me away while saying he would try sort himself out by seeing a psychotherapist. saying he wanted to deal with his problems so he could be the man i deserved etc..and i believed him..
three months ago i was given a great opportunity to start a business, and i moved a two hour journey away for this. he started college, since then i have seen him twice and it's been sh1t, he's drank himself into oblivion, started going to aa..still drinking, had his stomach pumped, told me he's used heroin on and off for the past yr and a half... 'bonded' with this woman in aa, told me he was no good for me right now and needed his space to sort himself out, couldn't handle upsetting me and wanted to break up- temporarily. then i found out he'd already cheated with the woman in aa and kissed a girl from college... i feel like such an idiot because i still love him! he seems so messed up right now he's not able to care about anything..
and i know the underlying reason for all of this was out of his hands, also he's not trying to make me stay, he wants me to meet someone better and be happy so it's hard for me to hate him. he says if he did get better all he would want is us to have a future again.
he's in early recovery, is this sort of thing normal behaviour? while at this stage i know i can't wait around for him, i'm just hoping someday we'll still have the future we wanted before. am finding it so hard to break contact, can't stop crying and feel sick not being able to talk to him or see him... i know i should but i don't want to move on myself... has anybody been here? i'd hugely appreciate any advice.. thanks for reading this essay!!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: UK
Posts: 1,068
Hi Amityville Unfortunately I don't really have any advice for you but I just wanted you to know that you've come to the right place.
Sorry to hear of the pain your experiencing.
Maybe try posting in the Friends and Family Threads.
Take Care
Sorry to hear of the pain your experiencing.
Maybe try posting in the Friends and Family Threads.
Take Care
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,444
Hi amityville - welcome.
I moved your post to this forum.
You'll find experience and support here
For me personally I think it comes down to how much you're prepared to take really...fooling around with other women, repeatedly, would be a pretty grave back the truck up moment for me...
if he's still drinking, doing heroin etc he's not in recovery, early or otherwise, regardless of how many meetings he goes to.
Look after yourself - think about the kind of relationship and treatment you deserve
D
I moved your post to this forum.
You'll find experience and support here
For me personally I think it comes down to how much you're prepared to take really...fooling around with other women, repeatedly, would be a pretty grave back the truck up moment for me...
if he's still drinking, doing heroin etc he's not in recovery, early or otherwise, regardless of how many meetings he goes to.
Look after yourself - think about the kind of relationship and treatment you deserve
D
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Not all behavior can be attributed to alcohol/drugs or to someone's past.
Aside from the obvious - his addiction issues and dealing with his "recovery" (not sure if he is in recovery or not it doesn't really sound like it) he cheated. That's who he is.
For me I'd have to say no thanks and move on.
Aside from the obvious - his addiction issues and dealing with his "recovery" (not sure if he is in recovery or not it doesn't really sound like it) he cheated. That's who he is.
For me I'd have to say no thanks and move on.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
I finally started dealing with the addiction when I was handed the evidence of my husband's affair.
I don't have an opinion on if the two go hand in hand....I do have an opinion on how they both made me feel....CRAZY, out of control and at fault....though I could not say why.
Many things helped me. Reading about affairs and addiction, individual counseling, learning about codepenedency.
If you have not heard of it/been Al-Anon was a big help for me inhealing from both the addiction and the affairs.
The have a saying called the Three Cs
I did not cause it
I cannot control it
I cannot cure it.
This helped me with both.
Please post often, and take care of you.
I don't have an opinion on if the two go hand in hand....I do have an opinion on how they both made me feel....CRAZY, out of control and at fault....though I could not say why.
Many things helped me. Reading about affairs and addiction, individual counseling, learning about codepenedency.
If you have not heard of it/been Al-Anon was a big help for me inhealing from both the addiction and the affairs.
The have a saying called the Three Cs
I did not cause it
I cannot control it
I cannot cure it.
This helped me with both.
Please post often, and take care of you.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Welcome, amityville. I think you may have dodged a bullet here with the decision to move away from the chaos and drama. Your voice of reason was protecting you - now be careful not to second guess yourself.
I don't know why these relationships seem to hurt so bad when they end - I have thought a lot about that myself. I mean, realistically i know it was a good thing to get out of a marriage built and fueled by alcoholism, I know I am in a better place now, yet I still have serious moments of grief. I suppose it is because of the potential of what we think it could be, if only...
Go easy on yourself. Grieving the loss of a relationship is a normal process that has no specific timeline. But also know its the best thing for you - to go on to have a normal, healthy life that is free of the madness of addiction.
~T
I don't know why these relationships seem to hurt so bad when they end - I have thought a lot about that myself. I mean, realistically i know it was a good thing to get out of a marriage built and fueled by alcoholism, I know I am in a better place now, yet I still have serious moments of grief. I suppose it is because of the potential of what we think it could be, if only...
Go easy on yourself. Grieving the loss of a relationship is a normal process that has no specific timeline. But also know its the best thing for you - to go on to have a normal, healthy life that is free of the madness of addiction.
~T
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 37
oh man does your relationship sound like mine! Except I lost my mother to cancer and he couldn't be bothered to answer his phone. I haven't had to deal with cheating (and honestly i've said that it would be easier if he had cheated because I could walk away from that). I understand your feeling of not wanting to lose anyone else...it's a powerful fear of mine as well. Thing is alcoholics (at least mine) are SELFISH, to a degree of insanity that breaks your heart and infuriates you at the same time.
I can't tell you how much no contact helped me...I honestly believe we become addicted to THEM and need our own recovery program before we can even be in a stable place to decide if a relationship with them is a good idea.
I can't tell you how much no contact helped me...I honestly believe we become addicted to THEM and need our own recovery program before we can even be in a stable place to decide if a relationship with them is a good idea.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
hree months ago i was given a great opportunity to start a business, and i moved a two hour journey away for this. he started college, since then i have seen him twice and it's been sh1t, he's drank himself into oblivion, started going to aa..still drinking, had his stomach pumped, told me he's used heroin on and off for the past yr and a half... 'bonded' with this woman in aa, told me he was no good for me right now and needed his space to sort himself out, couldn't handle upsetting me and wanted to break up- temporarily. then i found out he'd already cheated with the woman in aa and kissed a girl from college... i feel like such an idiot because i still love him! he seems so messed up right now he's not able to care about anything..
My advice, take it or leave it: Be careful not to confuse love and concern. Are you actually romantically attracted to an alcoholic and heroin addict that's cruising AA for ladies and not for recovery? Or is he someone you knew once for whom you have concern?
Loss is always hard. Sometimes all the second chances and wishful reconciliations are more about us and our fear of pain and loneliness than they are about the reality of the relationship.
Peace to you.
box of chocolates
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,013
Originally Posted by amityville 
hi, i'm new here.. trying to get the hang of how this site works -sorry for how long this post is!
am wondering if anyone could help me make sense of what's happening with my 'fiance'...
we've been together four years and were engaged, there have been some tough times along the way due to his relationship with alcohol (he wasn't a really heavy drinker, the problem was more to do with why he'd drink) but we loved each other so much- and still do. he was sexually abused when he was younger and never really dealt with the issues that came from that, until a year or so back..my father was killed in an accident and instead of supporting me, BF went off the rails and had a meltdown. i was so confused already after my dad's death, i couldn't handle losing BF too, so i supported and stuck by him until worrying about him got too much, i said i was done with him, then he said he'd go to counselling, unfortunately the counsellor wasn't qualified and she did more harm than good. since things have gotten harder and harder, me trying to be hopeful and hold things together, him becoming more depressed and detached, pushing me away while saying he would try sort himself out by seeing a psychotherapist. saying he wanted to deal with his problems so he could be the man i deserved etc..and i believed him..
three months ago i was given a great opportunity to start a business, and i moved a two hour journey away for this. he started college, since then i have seen him twice and it's been sh1t, he's drank himself into oblivion, started going to aa..still drinking, had his stomach pumped, told me he's used heroin on and off for the past yr and a half... 'bonded' with this woman in aa, told me he was no good for me right now and needed his space to sort himself out, couldn't handle upsetting me and wanted to break up- temporarily. then i found out he'd already cheated with the woman in aa and kissed a girl from college... i feel like such an idiot because i still love him! he seems so messed up right now he's not able to care about anything..
and i know the underlying reason for all of this was out of his hands, also he's not trying to make me stay, he wants me to meet someone better and be happy so it's hard for me to hate him. he says if he did get better all he would want is us to have a future again.
he's in early recovery, is this sort of thing normal behaviour? while at this stage i know i can't wait around for him, i'm just hoping someday we'll still have the future we wanted before. am finding it so hard to break contact, can't stop crying and feel sick not being able to talk to him or see him... i know i should but i don't want to move on myself... has anybody been here? i'd hugely appreciate any advice.. thanks for reading this essay!!
am wondering if anyone could help me make sense of what's happening with my 'fiance'...
we've been together four years and were engaged, there have been some tough times along the way due to his relationship with alcohol (he wasn't a really heavy drinker, the problem was more to do with why he'd drink) but we loved each other so much- and still do. he was sexually abused when he was younger and never really dealt with the issues that came from that, until a year or so back..my father was killed in an accident and instead of supporting me, BF went off the rails and had a meltdown. i was so confused already after my dad's death, i couldn't handle losing BF too, so i supported and stuck by him until worrying about him got too much, i said i was done with him, then he said he'd go to counselling, unfortunately the counsellor wasn't qualified and she did more harm than good. since things have gotten harder and harder, me trying to be hopeful and hold things together, him becoming more depressed and detached, pushing me away while saying he would try sort himself out by seeing a psychotherapist. saying he wanted to deal with his problems so he could be the man i deserved etc..and i believed him..
three months ago i was given a great opportunity to start a business, and i moved a two hour journey away for this. he started college, since then i have seen him twice and it's been sh1t, he's drank himself into oblivion, started going to aa..still drinking, had his stomach pumped, told me he's used heroin on and off for the past yr and a half... 'bonded' with this woman in aa, told me he was no good for me right now and needed his space to sort himself out, couldn't handle upsetting me and wanted to break up- temporarily. then i found out he'd already cheated with the woman in aa and kissed a girl from college... i feel like such an idiot because i still love him! he seems so messed up right now he's not able to care about anything..
and i know the underlying reason for all of this was out of his hands, also he's not trying to make me stay, he wants me to meet someone better and be happy so it's hard for me to hate him. he says if he did get better all he would want is us to have a future again.
he's in early recovery, is this sort of thing normal behaviour? while at this stage i know i can't wait around for him, i'm just hoping someday we'll still have the future we wanted before. am finding it so hard to break contact, can't stop crying and feel sick not being able to talk to him or see him... i know i should but i don't want to move on myself... has anybody been here? i'd hugely appreciate any advice.. thanks for reading this essay!!
i want to tell you its the alcohol and drugs and i want to tell you he will get better but even though addicts will act and do these types of things what it comes down to is their inability to do so. he has seen therapists and been to aa yet he is still on this destructive path and being promiscuos ....he has picked what he wants ...it seems somehwere he knows his life is a problem hence what little he is doing to rectify his life but he is still in the addict wormhole.....i can tell you now that he is saying you are basically a back up plan...if he gets sober then yall will be together but he isnt and so his life is addiction and therefore it revolves around other addicts and self destructive behaviour. that is his choice. he is picking addiction and these women as enablers in his addiction over you. if he truly wanted to be free of it and be with you.....he would not tell you to be with someone else and hell be with someone else and basically go yalls seperate ways. that is my opinion....others might disagree and thats fine but ask yourself where his thoughts are justified?
I love you, i want you but im not right so i keep using and being with other women so you should be with other men and maybe one day we will be together? that statement alone is heartbreaking and an obvious decision by him that he is not even sure he is ready to face sobreity.
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
he's in early recovery, is this sort of thing normal behaviour? while at this stage i know i can't wait around for him, i'm just hoping someday we'll still have the future we wanted before. am finding it so hard to break contact, can't stop crying and feel sick not being able to talk to him or see him..
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: ireland
Posts: 23
Thanks so much for listening guys, after reading these replies and applying the advice to whats going on i'm starting to feel v. resentful of him and everything he's done. i still feel sick in my stomach but the whole fantasy that we'd be together and happy someday is fading fast. i'll never be able to trust a word he says to me again. i stupidly love him still but that's possibly just a person he used to be. he's still trying to lie, amazingly! i found the woman from aa on facebook... was on chat with him yesterday, sent him a link to her page, in her profile pic she's sat on her partners lap (partner of 6 yrs who she beats the crap out of) he looks just like my 'BF'..her profile states who she is in a relationship with. the guy has a nickname...exactly the same as the one my 'bf' told me when i asked him all about her last week. i know i'm sounding crazy..but really i just wanted to see who he screwed me over for. anyway, we're done, but he still tried to say yesterday that it was the wrong person.. clearly it is her, but we're done so why would he even bother trying to lie now? when i pointed out how the guys nickname was exactly the same he totally changed the subject.. i don't even care.. the level of deception going on with him is insane.
i would definately go along to an alanon group if i could but where i moved to is pretty remote and am not driving so will see how things go the next few wks.. glad i came here though, i'm reading other peoples stories and its reassuring to see how others were stong and pulled through similar sh1t and found peace of mind again, thanks again
i would definately go along to an alanon group if i could but where i moved to is pretty remote and am not driving so will see how things go the next few wks.. glad i came here though, i'm reading other peoples stories and its reassuring to see how others were stong and pulled through similar sh1t and found peace of mind again, thanks again
Iceberg Ahead!
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Out at Sea
Posts: 1,177
Lying, cheating, gone, unstable and addicted? Check.
Has he seen a psychotherapist? Probably not yet.
Is he following an appropriate sober recovery program? Not.
Has he resolved his underlying issues? Definitely not.
Two first-hand accounts then a psychiatrist's explanation.
Al-Anon is a very good place for you to heal from the loss, heartache, grief, despair and confusion that the disease afflicts those around the alcoholic/addict with.
I wish you peace.
Has he seen a psychotherapist? Probably not yet.
Is he following an appropriate sober recovery program? Not.
Has he resolved his underlying issues? Definitely not.
Two first-hand accounts then a psychiatrist's explanation.
"It's common for addicts and alcoholics early in recovery to fixate on a person or activity as a substitute for drugs or alcohol. In other words, we try to plug the giant-sized hole inside us that we used to fill with our drug of choice. Often, what we try to fill it with is just as destructive as the substances we just cut out. As we adjust to our new sober lives, it's only natural that we find new ways to have fun and let off steam. The trouble comes when we revert back to our old tendencies, trading one compulsion for another. ... That's because alcohol and drugs are just the tip of the iceberg for a lot of people. We may have stopped abusing our substance of choice, but our other problems are still there. ... As I mentioned earlier in the chapter on substitution, we have a strong tendency to replace the highs and lows of using with the ups and downs of new relationships. ... People can give the illusion that they work a perfect program, but their actions will speak volumes about who they really are. It's a huge red flag if someone is still lying, cheating, and breaking the law while in recovery, because the very essence of every recovery program is honesty and integrity. Some people have some moral and behavioral issues that can't be fixed by simply putting down the alcohol or drugs." Don't let the Bastards Grind You Down: 50 Things Every Alcoholic and Addict in Early Recovery Should Know by Georgia W., pages 36, 46-47, and 48 (2008).
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post1528796"Relapse is a continuous risk. Many people relapse during the first two years or so of sobriety, but a surprisingly large number also relapse after five, ten, or twenty years. One type of relapse involves the development of another addiction, or cross-addiction (see chapter 3). People who have overcome an addiction to cocaine, for example, may get introuble with alcohol later on. Behavioral addictions, such as gambling, overeating, or compulsive sexual behavior, sometimes crop up as well. If you go back and trace the course of early recovery for those people, you often find that the emotional, psychological, and spiritual aspects of the addiction were not completely addressed. They have been "white-knuckling" and continue to have problems coping with painful emotions." Understanding Addiction by Elizabeth Conner Henderson, M.D., pages 90-91. (2000)
Would you want all that mess, realistically? Consider yourself lucky that you're not married to or have kids with him.Al-Anon is a very good place for you to heal from the loss, heartache, grief, despair and confusion that the disease afflicts those around the alcoholic/addict with.
I wish you peace.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: ireland
Posts: 23
thanks titanic, it sums it up...really when i look at the whole lot he's a textbook case.
three months before i met him he'd stopped doing drugs. just on his own, no therapy or program..so then fell madly in 'love' with me to distract himself from everything. he didn't do drugs again (-apparently until the last yr and a half sporadically smoking heroin...) but swapped it all instead for me and drink.
hindsight is a great thing!! i just feel so angry at myself for letting things get to this point for me. he's a lost cause as far as i'm concerned but i really should've known better than to waste four yrs on him :/
three months before i met him he'd stopped doing drugs. just on his own, no therapy or program..so then fell madly in 'love' with me to distract himself from everything. he didn't do drugs again (-apparently until the last yr and a half sporadically smoking heroin...) but swapped it all instead for me and drink.
hindsight is a great thing!! i just feel so angry at myself for letting things get to this point for me. he's a lost cause as far as i'm concerned but i really should've known better than to waste four yrs on him :/
Iceberg Ahead!
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Out at Sea
Posts: 1,177
There are those of us who unhook earlier and those of us who unhook much, much later (10 years, decades). There is better and there is worse. Except for the added despair when kids are in the mix, we all share your pain in common.
This too shall pass.
This too shall pass.
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