Lorelai

My AH just came home from work - happy, cheerful, bubbly. He was drunk. Not wasted drunk but just the right amount of drunk for "all is right with world", "no problems for me" - you know what I mean.

He sat down and proceeded to tell me every detail of his day - twice. Happy, laughing, planning his fishing trip for this weekend. He sure has a wonderful life. No need for me to comment or say anything. I am just the person sitting there so he can talk and won't look like an idiot. No asking about my day, no asking about why I look so tired, no asking about the children - all about him, all day, every day.

Meanwhile, I have spent the last two weeks obsessing about my recovery, where I am and what I am going to do. I feel like I am stuck in the same place - no progress. Do I leave him? Is it right to make him leave his own house? He isn't the one that wants to split up, why is it right for me to kick him out? Do I want to leave? If not, why the h*ll not?

He sure seems to have a happy life. Anything that's bothering him won't be bothering him after a twelve pack. He has no consequences of his drinking. He hasn't had a DWI in years, he never falls down or hurts himself. If he acts like an idiot, he doesn't remember it the next day anyway.

Who am I to say that his life would be better without beer? He seems to be the one enjoying himself now.

Sorry for the vent. I know that I am supposed to be finding happiness on my own. It seems so unfair sometimes.

DefofLov

You know Sweetheart....

I think of my mother, and I think of the way she handles her problems and I realize that while it might work for her, it damn sure would not work for me. Why should it take some disgusting, smelly, damaging substance to make 'everything right with the world." I am all about being genuine and true to myself and I don't think that someone who has to drink, smoke, shoot up, be promiscous, etc. is being very true to themselves and their happiness.

Don't you worry, it gets tough and it gets hard when our A's don't acknowledge the problems. Someday he just might and he will not be very happy. In fact, I dont think he is a very happy person now. This is reflected in the way it affects you.

Be blessed and patient dear one, a Higher Power is with you and will see you though.

*hugs and kisses*

~Def

Jeff_C

Hmmmmmm. I tend to think that what’s been going on for the past several weeks is just the opposite of what you’ve described, I can assure you that no matter what ‘face� we put on it, that mask of alcoholism hides only the inability to experience life as pleasure without a skinful of booze. It covers all the insecurities, doubts, fears, and terrors that boisterously proclaim, “I need this just to feel ‘normal� when we’ve really lost touch with what that word means.

You, on the other hand, whether on not it feels particularly “comfortable� have been engaging in growth, and that for a practicing alcoholic is simply impossible. You’ve been asking the “hard� questions, and been developing the Honesty Openness and Willingness to both formulate the answers, and stare into the abyss of intent. You’ve been busy with preparation for what will in all probability be recalled as the “most important time in your life� if you choose to pursue this path. Even now, right this moment, I daresay you can see progress in multiple areas of your life to include the spiritual, mental, and physical. And although I’d also bet that you’d question that you’re physically better off, feeling the way that you do, I’d tell ya that if it doesn’t kill ya, it makes you stronger.

While he’s only capable of doing the same ol thing, over and over, expecting different results, you’re directly applying your efforts towards an end which will be a direct relection of what you declare your values to be. That’s some pretty sweet stuff in this ol dog’s book. I could go on, but I think you get the drift. BTW lagging not too far behind, if ya do it right, will be the gift of gratitude, and maybe you’re even feelin’ a twinge of that already, even if only by comparison. You’ll know it’s full arrival when you’re smacked up ‘longside da haid with the import of knowing that happiness is not getting what ya want, but wantin’ what ya got.
Jeff

Lorelai

Thanks guys for your help.

I feel like I am standing on a road. When I look behind me, I can see how far I've come. A gate has slammed shut behind me so I can't go back to where I was before even if I wanted to (which I don't).

Some days, I look ahead down the road and see a bright sunny meadow and some days I see a dark and ominous cliff. It's pretty fuzzy because I seem so far away. I feel like I am just standing on this road kicking the dirt - not sitting down and getting comfortable but just standing there staring down the road.

I want to RUN. I don't know what is down that road but I want to run as fast as I can towards it and find out - good or bad - just move along. Instead I just stand here like I have lead weights on my feet and I can't figure out why.

I spent so much of my life standing at the beginning of this road and not moving. Once I started down the road, it seems like it would be so much easier to keep moving but I feel stuck. I am tired of wasting time standing still.

I'm praying for patience but maybe I should be praying for the power to kick off the lead weights and put on my running shoes?

As always, thanks for your words. They help - always.
L

Jeff_C

If there is one lament from EVERYONE that is just embarking on this path,-----------that’s it. “Just isn’t happening fast enough for me. I feel like I’m standing still, and nothing is happening�. It has been ever thus, and personally I can remember it well. There ARE certain lessons we can choose to learn at that juncture. Probably the most potent is that is precisely why there is so much insistence on making meetings, getting a sponsor and doing the work of the steps. All of that is ACTION, and action that is directed at our innate resistance to what’s going on, and it is our resistance that causes the stress that we feel. The “committee� is clamoring for the way it has always been, the same ol fix, it has always had, of wrapping ourselves up in our righteousness, and heaving bricks at what we perceive as the object of our discontent.

We’ve got a battle raging in our minds whether we admit it or not, and unless we take some sort of action to resolve that we do feel like we’re standing still. Generally the response to that is “Oh, Well I’m NOT engaging in the same behaviors I was before, I;m detaching, and treating him with respect.� but most “behavior changes that we can name are passive, and so it still feels like we’re standing still. Only when we become proactive can we feel some of that movement. Our reluctance to do the ‘basics� is far from unusual, and if ya ask anyone who has been around a while, they will attest to finding little or no relief until they did so.

As long as we hang onto the idea that the modification of his behavior will solve our problem, we will remain stuck to a significant degree, and that is a hard idea to kill. Again, the action of those basics will assist even in that. Even as many hours as we can spend on the computer searching out information, and spinning out our plight, it will never substitute for a program of recovery. You are the problem, and you are the solution. We are impatient, and have lessons to learn about time, and what it means in a recovering sense. Although I used this quote about patience someplace else here, it bears repeating, "Patience makes lighter what sorrow may not heal." . You’re doin’ fine, and although it may not feel like it at the moment, it’s the “prep� work we all go through. Cut yourself some slack, and let some of those F2F folks carry some of that load.
Jeff

whatnow

I know exactly how you feel. My life almost mirrors yours to a "T". I am also praying for strength and guidence to do whats best for me. They do seem to have a wonderful life with no problems. But I really think they drink to cover up the problems.