detachment question
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 5
detachment question
I have an adult son two and a half years sober. he is slowly trying to put his life together. he has a lot to clean up. he has held the same job during this time and his company has no issues with him. however during this difficult economy he is having a hard time paying all of his bills. with child support, paying medical insurance out of his paycheck for his child, and all of the other things in day to day living (i.e. car insurance, car payment etc.) there is hardly anything left. by this I mean few groceries the basics of living.
My question would be this. If he is doing the next right thing, doing the best he can, staying sober, going to meetings etc. is it all right if I buy him extra groceries or help out with some other bills such as utilities?
My concern is discouragement. I just see him trying and barely keeping his head
above water. There is no way he can cut back. It is honestly taking everything he makes to get by.
I am going to my Al-Anon meeting. I just wondered if trying to help would be considered wrong. I'd just appreciate some thoughts out there.
thank you.
third party
My question would be this. If he is doing the next right thing, doing the best he can, staying sober, going to meetings etc. is it all right if I buy him extra groceries or help out with some other bills such as utilities?
My concern is discouragement. I just see him trying and barely keeping his head
above water. There is no way he can cut back. It is honestly taking everything he makes to get by.
I am going to my Al-Anon meeting. I just wondered if trying to help would be considered wrong. I'd just appreciate some thoughts out there.
thank you.
third party
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Welcome to SR. You will find many supportive people with lots of ESH. (Experience, Strength and Hope).
If the money you give him is not going to be a financial strain on you and you are giving it to him with no expectations, then I can't see a problem with it. JMO
If the money you give him is not going to be a financial strain on you and you are giving it to him with no expectations, then I can't see a problem with it. JMO
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
My parents were hard workers - always working to achieve their goals for their family...which ended in divorce. Yes, I had nice clothes, nice things, a beautiful home but in hindsight - I would have rather had more quality time spent with them.
If your son is working on his recovery, spending quality time with his kids, being a good responsible parent, I still say help him out if you can afford to.
If your son is working on his recovery, spending quality time with his kids, being a good responsible parent, I still say help him out if you can afford to.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 5
so if my son is working from 7 a.m. until 6 p.m. and attending his meetings
he should be able to find a second job, correct? I am just saying when you are doing the right thing and are headed down the right path anyone could use a little breathing room and a hand up.......not a hand out a hand up. If I would give food to someone in need why not my son when he is doing the right thing? there are just so many hours in the day.......however I will consider what cynical said and maybe she's right........just another perspective to consider. thank you for the reply. I do appreciate your perspective.
he should be able to find a second job, correct? I am just saying when you are doing the right thing and are headed down the right path anyone could use a little breathing room and a hand up.......not a hand out a hand up. If I would give food to someone in need why not my son when he is doing the right thing? there are just so many hours in the day.......however I will consider what cynical said and maybe she's right........just another perspective to consider. thank you for the reply. I do appreciate your perspective.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Did he ask for help? That is one of my key considerations. I want my children to feel capable.......to feel the satisfaction and pride of their own accomplishments. I haven't always done that well....particularly with my AS. The tough things in life are what make us stronger, build character, and help us to feel gratitude.
It's hard to watch someone struggle......particularly when it is within our power to alleviate some of that struggle. But unless he has asked for help, he is getting through the challenge using his own resources and his higher power. He will be able to look back on it with pride. I'm quite certain that it is not your intent to take that away from him. You are a loving mother.
If he asks for help, then it may be ok within reason.....if he doesn't, then perhaps you might consider whether you are imposing your priorities on him. He may be very grateful that he has little left over.......that may be the only thing that is keeping him from picking up again. He may be very grateful that he has little time left in his day because that may be the only thing keeping him from sliding back into old behaviors.
We all do what we do and there are always lessons learned from it. No one will shame you or blame you whatever you decide to do.
Sharing my ESH.....take what you need and leave the rest.
gentle hugs
ke
It's hard to watch someone struggle......particularly when it is within our power to alleviate some of that struggle. But unless he has asked for help, he is getting through the challenge using his own resources and his higher power. He will be able to look back on it with pride. I'm quite certain that it is not your intent to take that away from him. You are a loving mother.
If he asks for help, then it may be ok within reason.....if he doesn't, then perhaps you might consider whether you are imposing your priorities on him. He may be very grateful that he has little left over.......that may be the only thing that is keeping him from picking up again. He may be very grateful that he has little time left in his day because that may be the only thing keeping him from sliding back into old behaviors.
We all do what we do and there are always lessons learned from it. No one will shame you or blame you whatever you decide to do.
Sharing my ESH.....take what you need and leave the rest.
gentle hugs
ke
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 81
I see no issue with helping him with groceries now and then. If you were paying his child support, rent, insurance cost etc. then that may be seen as bailing him out from the consequences of his past addictions
I'm facing the financial fallout of having lived with an addict for years. I'm paying down my debt. After child care, rent, living expenses etc I have maybe $50 to call my own. My parents sometimes drop me small amounts of groceries without my asking. Every now and then they'll give me a couple bucks to do something fun with the kids.
Their small contributions help my morale tremendously.
I'm facing the financial fallout of having lived with an addict for years. I'm paying down my debt. After child care, rent, living expenses etc I have maybe $50 to call my own. My parents sometimes drop me small amounts of groceries without my asking. Every now and then they'll give me a couple bucks to do something fun with the kids.
Their small contributions help my morale tremendously.
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