Sueski

I'm still hanging in with my relapsed AH, still wondering if the other shoe will drop. Will he get a DUI at some point? If that happens, he's got no job. Is he just going to keep up the way he's going, 3-4 beers that I know of most nights, the occasional 12-drink day and the even more occasional alcohol-free day? He's sweet and friendly when it's not much. He's overall WAY nicer the last six months or so (since resuming drinking) than for several years prior. However, when the quantities increase he's ridiculously hypersensitive and quite pushy about what he wants. Thinks he's being sweet but doesn't hear me at all about what I want or need. That's not so nice.

I wonder sometimes if I'm not playing the part of the frog in the pot of water being brought to a boil. Am I downplaying my own needs just to avoid actually dealing with the issues, or am I getting enough out of this to justify staying? I don't want to leave. We've built a life together. I love him, I believe that he loves me. I don't think it's the healthiest relationship but there are many good things about it. We've both made mistakes, no doubt about that. It's not all him, even though he has on occasion accused me of not being willing to look at my own stuff. All that said, it is certainly not what I'd hoped or imagined it would be and that makes me sad. I don't know if I'm stuck or not! Seems funny to think of it that way.

I'm still going to a counselor regularly and doing as much reading as I can on the subject. Yes, I've read Too Bad To Leave, To Good To Stay. Great book but didn't change anything for me. One of the things the counselor said (besides, "Sue, you're NOT crazy!" ) to me is that if I reach the point that I need to leave, it will be clear to me.

Maybe I just feel like I 'should be doing' something, but there really isn't anything to 'do.' Anyhow, I'm so glad to have SR to come to. This site has been a great source of comfort, truth, sometimes laughter. It's wonderful to know that here, there are people who get it. Thank you.

Tuffgirl

Doing nothing is doing something. It's called waiting. And being patient. And working on yourself. So you are doing something - its just easy to overlook in the day-to-day monotony of living in a mild state of crisis all the time.

Keep doing "nothing". Your counselor is right - if you come to a place where more pronounced action is needed, you'll know. It'll be crystal clear, and you'll be ready. Until then, keep your chin up!
~T

grammyb

You'll know when it's time to take action. My AH is on his way out the door. My decision. I knew it was time. It's hard to watch. When he wasn't home by 11 last night, I thought maybe it's finally a DUI. He got lucky again. I don't want this in my space anymore. I went to my first Alonon meeting last night. I knew when I needed to make my steps forward. You'll know what's right for you when it's time. I'm not saying it will be easy but you'll know.

ShootingStar1

Sueski, I think that one way to look at this is to spend a bit of time looking at what you want out of life, long term. You've made a short-term decision to stay that seems at times to be very pleasant, and at the worst, doesn't seem to be bad enough to compel you to leave.

That's fine.

I guess my question would be about how this fits into what you want to be longer term. One way to ask yourself that is to ask "What do I want to have done/accomplished in 5 years? In 10 years? What do I want to be then? What do I want my life to include then, to look like then?"

Also, your age and stage of life make a big difference, as does whether you have children or want to have children.

So maybe just set this current situation into the context of longer range thinking, and over time, you'll have more clues.

ShootingStar1