Seeking some advice
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Join Date: Nov 2012
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Seeking some advice
I have been w/my SO for a short period of time (2/ms) and she's a recovery alcholic of 4 1/2 yrs. However, I drink. I've always classified myself as a "social" drinker. Its not uncommon for me to have a beer or 2 after work, or during dinner. I don't have an addiction where I "need" or "crave" a buzz, i Just enjoy the flavor. I do NOT get drunk. The problem is, she knew this going into this, but didn't realize I drank as often as I did, and it has created a very big problem between us. She always said she is "ok" w/me drinking as long as I acknowledged her and her recovery. At the time, i just didn't get it. I could NOT comprehend how hard it was to sit back and watch me crack open a beer after a long day, for her NOT too. It took me almost losing her, to wake up and see. Now I have tossed the beer out, I haven't drank in 4 days, and went to my first AA meeting w/her yesterday. I'm more than willing to do ANYTHING for her. Its just that its going to be a rough ride for me, seeing how I can drink w/out it being a problem. I need some advice on what to do to make things comprisable. Make sense??? Any help in this is greatly appreciated!!!!!
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She has the right to revise her boundaries. Maybe she thought she could handle it and it turns out it's more difficult than she thought.
A lot of us family revise our drinking around the addict to help them get and stay sober. I think it's a nice thing to do. When my AH and I still lived together, I wouldn't drink at home but might have a glass or wine or a beer when out with friends. There was little discussion about it. All he asked was that I not get drunk and not drink hard liquor (it was triggering). That was fine with me.
A suggestion: If not drinking is a "rough ride," it's worthwhile to consider a) how exactly alcohol fits into your life and why it's so important to you, and b) whether or not you want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't drink at all.
A lot of us family revise our drinking around the addict to help them get and stay sober. I think it's a nice thing to do. When my AH and I still lived together, I wouldn't drink at home but might have a glass or wine or a beer when out with friends. There was little discussion about it. All he asked was that I not get drunk and not drink hard liquor (it was triggering). That was fine with me.
A suggestion: If not drinking is a "rough ride," it's worthwhile to consider a) how exactly alcohol fits into your life and why it's so important to you, and b) whether or not you want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't drink at all.
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Join Date: Nov 2012
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That's all she wanted, and I want to do whatever to help her. Its not so much what alcohol "does" vs. the taste. Because I can have one beer and quit and be fine. Or a glass of wine. I guess what I'm trying to say, is i don't drink for the buzz. And I really don't drink b/c i need an escape. Its def not worth losing her over, period. But if there's a compromise somewhere, or suggestions as to "what NOT to do" that could help. Like NOT having beer in the house, or NOT drinking until she goes to bed, etc. I do appreciate your quick response and you make perfect sense bout her right to have boundries.
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My house became a no-booze house. That was non-negotiable. I felt like if we had booze at the house in any capacity I would be constantly paranoid. If we went out to dinner, it depended whether I got something to drink or not. I usually didn't, unless I was out with other people. We didn't go to or eat in bars. Parties, weddings, and celebrations were trickier. Public events were usually no big deal, but he wanted to leave before everyone got drunk and rowdy. Sometimes he opted not to go to events where we knew there would be a party atmosphere and I was fine with that.
I also made sure that he had the time and space to go to AA if he wanted, no questions asked. He still relapsed, but I feel like it was the right thing to do.
Note, none of these things helped him quit. They helped to space out the relapses and helped give me some semblance of peace. This is a big commitment for both of you, however, and will last at least her lifetime.
I also made sure that he had the time and space to go to AA if he wanted, no questions asked. He still relapsed, but I feel like it was the right thing to do.
Note, none of these things helped him quit. They helped to space out the relapses and helped give me some semblance of peace. This is a big commitment for both of you, however, and will last at least her lifetime.
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Originally Posted by dreamerofdreams 
That's all she wanted, and I want to do whatever to help her. Its not so much what alcohol "does" vs. the taste. Because I can have one beer and quit and be fine. Or a glass of wine. I guess what I'm trying to say, is i don't drink for the buzz. And I really don't drink b/c i need an escape. Its def not worth losing her over, period. But if there's a compromise somewhere, or suggestions as to "what NOT to do" that could help. Like NOT having beer in the house, or NOT drinking until she goes to bed, etc. I do appreciate your quick response and you make perfect sense bout her right to have boundries.
I like a beer or two, or a glass or two of wine, and I don't do it for the 'effect', but rather because it tastes good.
RAs have posted on this site many times before and said that they have to work their program and take care of their life, and mot demand that others accomodate them. I kind of agree with that. She's not recently sober - she's been at it a long time. I don't think that it is your quantity that is the issue here - it's either her being controlling, or she's not strong in her recovery.
Just my thoughts and opinions.
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I am kind of leaning toward COH's post above. 4 & 1/2 years sober isn't considered early sobriety anymore, but I can also see her position on it being difficult to be with a person who drinks, regardless of why or how much.
It's something you need to consider for yourself, as others have said. This is a lifestyle, one that involves sober events, meetings, friends in recovery, etc. You've known this person for 2 months and say you are willing to do anything for this person...that is also a red flag to my ears. 2 months is not a long time to know someone. And someone whose lifestyle is completely different from yours, no less.
She has a right to revise her boundaries - sure - but so do you. Instead of trying to find an appropriate time to drink, I'd suggest you spend a little time thinking about what you are getting yourself into and the commitment you are going to have to make to be with this person.
And I have to disagree with the others - its not the alcohol that is the issue - its the lifestyle that sober people have to live that's the issue. I know that no matter how nice AA people were to me when I was at events with my ex or even alone, I was always the outsider.
It's something you need to consider for yourself, as others have said. This is a lifestyle, one that involves sober events, meetings, friends in recovery, etc. You've known this person for 2 months and say you are willing to do anything for this person...that is also a red flag to my ears. 2 months is not a long time to know someone. And someone whose lifestyle is completely different from yours, no less.
She has a right to revise her boundaries - sure - but so do you. Instead of trying to find an appropriate time to drink, I'd suggest you spend a little time thinking about what you are getting yourself into and the commitment you are going to have to make to be with this person.
And I have to disagree with the others - its not the alcohol that is the issue - its the lifestyle that sober people have to live that's the issue. I know that no matter how nice AA people were to me when I was at events with my ex or even alone, I was always the outsider.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
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I never had to ask my husband to not drink around me....he just knew it was best that he didn't. I don't like having it in the house b/c it is too much of a temptation. I have been sober for over a year but wouldn't have been if there had been alcohol in the house. For me, I am still too weak.
However, my husband will still gave a drink when with a friend & that doesn't create any problems.
Advice to you: until she is stronger, don't drink around her but have a few when out with your friends. Sounds like you really care, so it shouldn't be hard to this.
However, my husband will still gave a drink when with a friend & that doesn't create any problems.
Advice to you: until she is stronger, don't drink around her but have a few when out with your friends. Sounds like you really care, so it shouldn't be hard to this.
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My RAH made boundaries before we moved in together. He said he didn't mind if I had a drink every once in a while. His stipulations were that he never wanted to be around me drunk. Period. He also was not cool with me going out with co-workers for drinks after work on a regular basis and absolutely no drinking and driving.
He would get very paranoid if I went out for drinks without him - It think because his ex was an alcoholic and came home trashed and fighting so often. So I stopped but that was just something that worked for me because he meant more than going out for drinks.
My own alcohol consumption has changed a lot since we have been together. I go months without drinking. I have had alcohol here in the house with no issue except for once, a client gave me a bottle of vodka and when I brought it home he asked me to put it somewhere he didn't know where it was. Other alcohol, typically wine - not an issue.
All these stipulations were at that time 8 years of sobriety.
Then he relapsed this summer. For now I am not drinking period. No alcohol in the house (except mouthwash and cooking wine and if he is drinking that then....we can just call it a day). He has returned to sobriety for 3 weeks now so still very fragile.
I am not sure really how to advise you here. You are a daily drinker - she has a problem with it. I think you guys need to REALLY talk and find out what her limitations truly are. Is it no drinking at all? It might be. How do you feel about that?
As others pointed out its not about the alcohol its about having to give up something to be with someone - rules for the person who is not the alcoholic.
For me, if I want a drink I just don't right now and its not an issue but I am not you, only you know what is ok for you.
He would get very paranoid if I went out for drinks without him - It think because his ex was an alcoholic and came home trashed and fighting so often. So I stopped but that was just something that worked for me because he meant more than going out for drinks.
My own alcohol consumption has changed a lot since we have been together. I go months without drinking. I have had alcohol here in the house with no issue except for once, a client gave me a bottle of vodka and when I brought it home he asked me to put it somewhere he didn't know where it was. Other alcohol, typically wine - not an issue.
All these stipulations were at that time 8 years of sobriety.
Then he relapsed this summer. For now I am not drinking period. No alcohol in the house (except mouthwash and cooking wine and if he is drinking that then....we can just call it a day). He has returned to sobriety for 3 weeks now so still very fragile.
I am not sure really how to advise you here. You are a daily drinker - she has a problem with it. I think you guys need to REALLY talk and find out what her limitations truly are. Is it no drinking at all? It might be. How do you feel about that?
As others pointed out its not about the alcohol its about having to give up something to be with someone - rules for the person who is not the alcoholic.
For me, if I want a drink I just don't right now and its not an issue but I am not you, only you know what is ok for you.
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Honestly, I can NOT thank you guys enough for all your inputs and advice on this. It means a great deal, you have no idea. I def agree that I need to take some time, and think. I actually came back from my therapy session last evening feeling good, and wanted to advise her on what the therapist recommended. Didn't go so well. I too, feel it was a control issue. And I've been in relationships where I was controlled, and refuse to go down that path. We ended up in a heated argument w/her leaving and sleeping in another room. She "claims" to be willing to compromise w/me, but her actions don't back it up. Example, she said NO beer in the house, she doesn't care if its outside in a fridge. No drinking and driving w/her. She will NOT drop me off at a bar nor pick me up. and she didn't want me drinking everyday. I agreed to this. Willing to sacrafice up my routine, and enjoyment. Then the fight happened. I wake up to a letter NOW STATING that she has thought long and hard and decided, I CAN drink ANYTHING i want, WHEN i want. That NO ONE should ever have to sacrafice their own happiness for anyone. So pretty much, You do YOU, I'll do ME kind've thing......which WILL not work. Yes, its been a very very short period of time, but I can't help my feelings for her, however, the way she is being, I can't handle. Its not fair to me. ESP when im willing to compromise.
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I don't see where your giving up all alcohol is a compromise. It doesn't fit the definition of compromise:
1.
a settlement of differences by mutual concessions; an agreement reached by adjustment of conflicting or opposing claims, principles, etc., by reciprocal modification of demands.
2.
the result of such a settlement.
3.
something intermediate between different things: The split-level is a compromise between a ranch house and a multistoried house.
What you have been describing looks more like control from this side of the screen.
Why do you think the YOU do YOU and I'll do ME will not work? In recovery, we call that "taking care of our side of the street" while letting others tend to their side as they see fit.
In codependency, we call it "staying in our own hoola hoop".
1.
a settlement of differences by mutual concessions; an agreement reached by adjustment of conflicting or opposing claims, principles, etc., by reciprocal modification of demands.
2.
the result of such a settlement.
3.
something intermediate between different things: The split-level is a compromise between a ranch house and a multistoried house.
What you have been describing looks more like control from this side of the screen.
Why do you think the YOU do YOU and I'll do ME will not work? In recovery, we call that "taking care of our side of the street" while letting others tend to their side as they see fit.
In codependency, we call it "staying in our own hoola hoop".
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"Its just that its going to be a rough ride for me, seeing how I can drink w/out it being a problem."
I hate to be the bearer of bad news - but are you sure you don't have a drinking problem? You're really clinging to something you say you don't need?!
I've done that too, with my nightly glass of wine. "I don't need it.", well then why not let it go? What's the big deal if you don't need it?
Addiction can kill her. If alcohol is not a problem for you, don't do it around her. Pretty straight forward - right?
I hate to be the bearer of bad news - but are you sure you don't have a drinking problem? You're really clinging to something you say you don't need?!
I've done that too, with my nightly glass of wine. "I don't need it.", well then why not let it go? What's the big deal if you don't need it?
Addiction can kill her. If alcohol is not a problem for you, don't do it around her. Pretty straight forward - right?
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Pelican-You hit some really good nerves w/your post. I was afraid it was coming down to a "control" thing. She was actually ready to leave me yesterday b/c I sat down w/her and talked bout everything my therapist suggested, which was the "compromise" and b/c i wanted/needed to know what i could/couldn't do. She flipped out, and once again, im back to begging her not to leave
[QUOTEI hate to be the bearer of bad news - but are you sure you don't have a drinking problem? You're really clinging to something you say you don't need?!QUOTE]
I actually was screened to see, and I don't. I like it the way other ppl like candy, or cigerettes.
[QUOTEI hate to be the bearer of bad news - but are you sure you don't have a drinking problem? You're really clinging to something you say you don't need?!QUOTE]
I actually was screened to see, and I don't. I like it the way other ppl like candy, or cigerettes.
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Just ran across this thread and dreamer, your first post immediately had me thinking: 4 1/2 years and she can't bear to watch you have a beer? No way, this is about something else; it's a control issue. And sure enough, reading through the thread, it looks like that's indeed the case.
I know you know this or are beginning to discover it, but a former addict with several years of abstinence is not a fragile being who should be treated with kid gloves or should be permitted to order others around with threats of relapse. The whole idea of recovery is to be able to join the rest of the world. Our goal is not to rearrange reality to suit ourselves: it's to live within it, just like everyone else is expected to do.
So, this business of begging her not to leave? Not good. That is just playing into some major control issues that have NOTHING to do with recovery. Is couples counseling possible? If so I strongly recommend it.
I know you know this or are beginning to discover it, but a former addict with several years of abstinence is not a fragile being who should be treated with kid gloves or should be permitted to order others around with threats of relapse. The whole idea of recovery is to be able to join the rest of the world. Our goal is not to rearrange reality to suit ourselves: it's to live within it, just like everyone else is expected to do.
So, this business of begging her not to leave? Not good. That is just playing into some major control issues that have NOTHING to do with recovery. Is couples counseling possible? If so I strongly recommend it.
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