Loveblossom79

Well, I made it 10 days...and then I texted his mom Happy Thanksgiving...which made my think about him and how every black friday he would meet me for breakfast after I shopped...I was doing well...then I sent him a picture of my sandwich, and he immediately called me...and I answered. *Sigh*

The next 2 hrs were him telling me how he's been sober since the 7th, when he decided to poor out all his alcohol. How he is doing this for him and he's embracing his faith to get him through it...how he's told everyone close to him that he's an alcoholic, and how they are supporting him. How he understands how much he's hurt me and is destroyed by guilt from it. How he hopes that we could at least be friends, he misses me and has thought of me daily.

I asked him point blank what he was going to do before I went no contact and he confirmed that he was going to ask me to marry him, that he was terrified to lose me and wanted my support as he went into rehab. I told him how messed up and unfair to me that was, that he would take something he KNEW i've wanted for so long and propose for the wrong reasons...I told him that was the reason I went no contact, because that just threw me over the edge...I just couldn't handle anything more and had to shut down for awhile.

I told him that I just cannot get beyond the thought of being on this rollar coaster with him for the rest of my life...how things are calm at home now and i've been happier, less stressed. I told him that I didn't want him to feel like i'd abandoned him...more like I went into self-preservation mode. I told him that I hadn't spoken to him because he has the ability to pull me back in, and I don't want to be pulled back in...I told him that I need more time to think and be alone.

I want to believe that he can stay sober...live a clean life...i've loved this man with all my heart for 9 years! He talks a great game...and I told him that I don't want to hear it anymore...I don't trust him and I cannot rely on him, and that's just where i'm at right now. I don't know where i'll be at tomorrow...

Shadydeal

I am sorry and I understand! It's hard going no contact and then when we break it....the mind wanders and hope sets in again. I think it's easy for most of us to get pulled back it! I am glad your life has been much better just try to remember this and your very wise to give it more time! I know for me and most we've done this a million times. So dont beat yourself up! What I am finding is being sober is one thing but it doesn't change behavior unless they have to work a strong program or change their way of thinking. We have to change our way of thinking & behaving too! I think everyone is different and some are serious about recovery ...some are NOT! I hope for you that you will find a way to keep moving forward w your own life. Time will tell! Best wishes to you!

ZiggyB

I can totally understand the urge to contact them!

Do you think he can really change or is this just temporary? I would be very leery, is in he in AA or some other kind of recovery program? I'd think he would need to work a recovery program for at least a year until I'd consider rekindling a relationship. And even then, often they do relapse.

There's a concept calling "hoovering" where they suck us back into the relationship by being manipulative and finally doing and/or saying what it is we need. Just be careful!

Out of the FOG - Hoovers and Hoovering

Loveblossom79

I honestly do think that he can change, if he's dedicated to it (he says he is, but i'll wait and see if his actions back that up)...in the past he has quit smoking and drugs (pot) by himself with no relapse because he decided he no longer wanted to do them (and been clean about 7 years). He has been to AA a few times now I believe, but he has expressed that he's doing his recovery through prayer and seeking support from those around him by exposing his secret. He even stated that some people might be able to drink socially, but that he has discovered that he is not one of those people and cannot have even one drink for the rest of his life.

I read your link and it was very on the mark...down to the term rollar coaster...he and I have had very bad blow ups and then been wonderful for weeks at a time before we repeat. Thank you for it...it did help me see the cycle in black and white.

I need to figure out how to proceed from here with him...i'm conflicted.

ZiggyB

I can't tell you what to do, but the cycle is very familiar to me and one I allowed to go for far too long before I finally got angry and had enough. Some arguing is normal in a relationship, but terrible fights and drama are not. I believe I was in a relationship with an abusive individual but held on for the "good times" - his drinking certainly did not help.

NYCDoglvr

Alcoholics are very manipulative and will say anything to keep an enabler in their lives. I hope you realize this is a typical alcoholic game and that nothing has changed. Of course we get lonely but that will pass. Hope you're going to Alanon.

StarCat

I told XABF in rehab that I needed space and that if we were going to work as a couple then he needed to change quite a few things and our relationship had to start over from the beginning.

He told me that my words hurt but that he understood and he would respect my feelings and take things slow.

Five minutes later he attempted to propose to me, in rehab on visiting day, sitting on a bright red child's plastic seat, and was completely confused when I said no. "So... I should probably get you a ring if I want you to say 'yes'?"


It's all words until they can prove a sustained pattern of change for the better of their own volition. Everything else is the manipulative dance to keep us hanging on their every empty promise so that we can enable them and keep them within the comfort of their self-prescribed drunken stupor while stressing ourselves out of years of our life as we struggle to cure their problems and neglect our own existence.

Tuffgirl

Thanks Ziggy, I love this paragraph from this site above:

If you're not sure if you're being hoovered you should wait and see. Take the long-term view. A person's character is like an average of their behaviors over their lifetime. People can and do make positive changes in their lives sometimes, deciding to change their behavior for the better. Wait a year and see.

Wait and see, more will be revealed.
~T