kthopkt

How can you determine if someone suffers from anti-social personality disorder & not just an addictive personality?

When my brother gets sober, which is typically court ordered, he acts as though he has no remorse for the things he has done & the few times he has apologized, it did not seem genuine.

He was sober for 18 months at one point while in prison. When I picked him up, I was crying. I was crying because I missed him & because our mother had passed away while he was locked up. But he just looked at me like he was confused & trying to figure me out.

Is it possible that his personality is affected by a pesonality disorder & not just drug abuse? Anyone else experience anything like this?

Freedom1990

I try not to play armchair psychiatrist, but I do backslide from time to time!

Does it really matter in the long run when it comes to your brother?

Unacceptable behavior is just that...unacceptable. To me anything else is irrelevant.

lightseeker

I agree with the bottom line being whether behavior is acceptable or not. Drug addiction can make the nicest person in the world appear to be sociopathic. However, there are people with that personality disorder and it makes them a higher risk for being an addict.

Sociopaths/psychopaths have behavior characteristics that occur early on in childhood and adolescence. Also, there is a continuum of the disorder. Not pretty at all.

I spent a lot of time trying to figure out whether the chicken or the eye came first with my ex husband. It turns out that he does hit all of the criteria for a sociopath and that he is also an addict.....pretty bad deal all aournd. None of the diagnoses made a lick of difference...it was that the behaviors and the way that he treated me were over the top and that I couldn't stand it any longer.

It is all really sad....but the saddest thing is trying to have a relationship with a person that is not hardwired to have one. Long ago I heard the saying "addicts don't have relationships, they take hostages". That is so true. Expecting it to be a healthy relationship is setting yourself up for a resentment. Addiction and personality disororders are a losing combination. As is either alone...

I'm sorry for your situation. It is very painful to have to deal with all of this.

zoso77

Only a qualified mental health professional can make such a diagnosis.

That being said, just because someone stops using drugs doesn't mean all of the sudden they become remorseful. If the addict who has just stopped using doesn't do the work necessary to become a healthier person, then they can be just as self-seeking and self-absorbed as they were when they were using.

Focus less on the addict and focus more on you. The addict is what he is. You can't change it.

ZoSo

Anaya

My son suffered as a kid with "something" (never got a true diagnosis) and then when he was a teen and began using, the "something" was greatly exacerbated and he became psychotic, violent, very depressed, and anxious.

Throughout all those years, since he was my kid, I felt it my duty to try to "fix everything" (I think some of the measures were helpful but don't know if he would agree) and then finally, when he was just about out of his teens, I started to detach and work on me. Sanity saver for sure!

That's not to say that I won't support his efforts for recovery or positive coping strategies or be willing to listen if he wants to talk or asks for suggestions, I just don't try to be the captain of his ship anymore.

crazybabie

My son was DX with antisocial personality years ago and he at times does show remorse but either way it is the behaviors that count I don't excuse the times he stole from me because of the personality disorder.

Tarot

I get plenty of apologies from my addict....doesn't stop him doing it again though. In fact i think it would be easier just to believe he's not sorry at all than giving him the opportunity to hurt me all over again.

Anaya

kthopkt: I agree with others where it's said regardless of the reason, a person has to be accountable for behavior.

I am sorry to hear of the loss of your mom. Take care.

NewBeginnings2

I understand why this would be important to you. With an antisocial personality disorder, it doesnt matter if their behavior is acceptable. They do not experience the same regard for people, including "loved" ones, as non-ASPD's do. This can make a big difference for some, it can be a non-negotiable. One of those things you choose is too much for you to deal with for the rest of your life. Also, addiction and its behaviors CAN be changed; whereas ASPD is forever. Some experience improvement of symptoms sometime around age 40 or 50. Many do not. Also, it is not like a mood disorder. It is completely pervasive and there is no medication to treat it. I would say that generally, this is an all-or-nothing sort of thing. Someone with ASPD would have EVERY symptom defined in the DSM, and it would be a longstanding pattern, with symptoms emerging in childhood (although diagnosis cannot be made until adulthood). You would know. It's a bad thing.

thequest

I don't know. Anti social or just selfish. Have an alcoholic in the family that seems to have no remorse or conscience when sober. It's constantly about them and they are the victim. The problem one just got nailed for a dui and it was a bunch of excuses including "if I had seen the cop following me", "he wouldn't listen to me", it was only a .1 something, I didn't drive recklessly, the cop should've cut him a break etc. It's always about his situation or from his point of view.

The lack of remorse is the most troubling because I think that shows the lack of a conscience and/or the ability to think about consequences.

Kindeyes

I think all of us have wondered at some point in time if our loved ones have a psychological component to their addiction. In some way, it brings comfort to think they might be mentally ill rather than simply a drug addict. Drugs alter a person to such a degree that who knows......until the drugs are out of their system.....it's impossible to tell.

I have friends who are recovering addicts with long term recovery. One of the toughest things they faced in their early recovery is realizing how much damage they left in their wake....how much pain they caused those who love them....how seriously their addiction and the behaviors associated with it damaged the lives of others. That's why making amends is such a critical part of 12-step recovery......and sometimes, the relationships are damaged beyond repair and attempts at amends would only further hurt others. That's a tough realization for them too.

I guess where I'm rambling is that ultimately......it is out of our control........so we work on that which we can control. Our attitudes. Our actions. Our thought processes.

Keep asking questions. Keep searching for answers. And pursue serenity. It is possible to attain......whether the addict is using or not.

gentle hugs
ke

inpieces

Hello

I think it is important to know if the loved one has a personailty disorder whether anti-social or one of the others because, even if the person does get free from their addiction, there is no chance of the relationship being anything but toxic. They will never have a conscience.

MY STORY.

My EXAH managed to manipulate me and hide his addiction for most of the marriage but things began to change at one point. It coincided with me learning about PD`s and I think that he knew that his mask was down. About a year before meltdown, he was working at getting our sons in his team, destroying all of my parental authority and making me the scapegoat of the family. As I was suffering from a serious illness this was easy for him to do as had been more involved with the boys care. I think that he was fed up with having a sick wife but wanted the boys for himself to use and the freedom to continue with his drinking in peace.

After forcing me out, the boys took to heroin. Now, they are both on methadone and the eldest son A has taken my place as enabler while his father has nearly destroyed his health. My son thinks he is his fathers carer, instead of being an enabler. He is as enmeshed and manipulated as I was. the other son B had broken contact with me and has not spoken for 6 years but recently sent me a lovely email asking me to forgive him.

What has surprised me about son B is his self awareness whereas his brother is like their father whom I believe has a personality disorder too and unfortunately son B has been dragged down with them. Now that he is in touch I hope I can instigate his recovery but know I will have to use tough love at some point, but I feel there is hope for him as he is showing genuine repentance.

I have been torn into pieces the last 9 years and it has taken this time to get over the rejection from my ex and just recenty to see through son A as he has tried to resist the reconciliation. He has control over his brother and has control of his benefits as he is disabed and I think he wants to keep me at arms length just there to borrow money from and not to disturb the `little kingdom`.

Finding this site has been a godsend to me and I am starting to detach.

best wishes to you all