HLC707

Good afternoon! I stubbled upon this website after hours of googling how to handle my problem. A great find though, as i'm dealing with an issue that many of you have delt with or still dealing with. I'll start by stating that I myself have never been a user. The main problem that i've been dealing with, for the past 10+ years, is my parents enabling my older brother. He has been using since the age of 16 pretty much anything he can get his hands on. He has gone through phases of meth, cocaine, ecstacy, weed, alc, as well as perscrip drugs. His cycle with my parents is pretty much every 6 months. He comes to my parents asking for help, gets help, steals anything in the house that wont be too noticable yet worth money at the pawn shop, Verbally abuses them - telling them how horrible of parents they are and acts out in complete rage, then leaves for 6 months. He uses everyone he comes into contact with and always ends up back needing help from my parents. I've grown up with this cycle always listening to my parents get broken hearted and used. I now have a family of my own and have been out of the house for a few years. My parents have gotten a little better with helping him as far as money but they have not yet seen that they need to completely close the door in order for him to hit his rock bottom. A week ago my brother came back into town and my mom was quick to let him stay the night, leave him alone in the house for a few hours while she was working, go buy him new shoes, groceries, and give him a ride to where he'll be living an hour away. I voiced that I thought it was wrong and that he'll just start the cycle again starting that day. Now here comes the issue - Thanksgiving dinner. My brother is very unpredicatble when it comes to what he's capeable of doing anger wise as well as stealing. I have chosen to remove myself and my own family (have a young son) from any situation that comes along with my brother, even holidays, because i know that i have to stay firm in what i say i'll be doing. Now I have mad parents who refuse to try and go get help with this enabling/codependent problem they have. PLEASE give me advice as to what i can say or do to make them realize that he HAS to hit his rock bottom- with nobody- to bail him out. They dont see that by enabling him, its actually making him worse! Also, is it wrong of me to not want to be at Thanksgiving dinner because he's there. Their excuse is - Just one dinner. I'm at a loss of what to do

sleepy22

Hey HLC707,

You're brave and did the right thing getting yourself out of the picture. This is my first holiday season and I, too, wish for my qualifier's family to put their foot down. I realized I'm no more in control of their actions as I am of my addicts. However, I'd try pointing them to the great reads on this board, getting them to an al anon meeting, or suggesting reads about addiction/co-dependency.

I feel the love you have for your brother and am wishing you support through this period! It's hard, but hopefully others can follow in your fotsteps.

HLC707

Thank you so much Sleepy! It's always nice to be reassured i'm trying to do the right thing. Happy Thanksgiving to you!

outtolunch

The reason he keeps returning is that he gets what he wants. You have no more control over your parent's reaction than you do over your brother's choices.

Cutting the guy off to expidite his rock bottom is not much different than continuing to allow him to use their home as a flop house. Both actions are rooted in a sense that your parent can do something to snap him out of it.

Your parents and your brother are living their lives as they see fit to do and may never change.

Only thing here you control is your own reaction. Nothing wrong with choosing not to share dinner with your brother to protect yourself and child from the chaos. A boundary protects the boundary setter and lets go of other people's outcomes.

EnglishGarden

Families of addiction are filled with pretense and masks.

It is fine to be authentic and to decide not only how you would like to celebrate Thanksgiving, but who you wish to be that day. And every day.

You will not be able to change any of them. Experience will either change them or it won't.

I hope you have a very peaceful holiday.

SSHope

I could have written much of this post myself. This is our first major holiday since finding out about my brother's addiction. My brother is the addict and my husband and I have chosen not to spend Thanksgiving with my parents and my brother this year. We will instead spend it with friends. I have had a long conversation with my father who is very upset, as well as my mom, that we are choosing not to be with them today. I am choosing to have limited contact with my brother until he chooses to be serious about his attempt at recovery, and we have chosen no contact for my 11 year old daughter and her uncle. Some people may think it is harsh, but it is none of my business what others think about me. My life, our daughter, our choice. Funny enough, in a very sad way, I found out this morning that my brother, who is living in a SL house, was caught coming in drunk Tuesday night. My parents don't know, but it solidifies in my mind that we are making the right choice.

I wish you peace of mind this Thanksgiving!