starting over... step one
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starting over... step one
I admit my life has sprawled out of control. Not only am I powerless over the actions of my BF, I am powerless over my need to know things. I am powerless over my addiction to him. I am incapable of handing him over to god. I am afraid that god cannot work a miracle in his life because he does not want god to. I am afraid because I have fallen out of gods will for my life by focusing on all of this fear. "faith is stronger than fear" and even in saying that it makes me sad because that is what he always says. but its true. I am powerless over this desire for him to hit bottom and be redeemed. no matter how much I "take care of me" with work and housework and zumba and yoga and bubblebaths. I still have him in my thoughts. I believe that I want god to work a miracle in me, because even if I do let go of this boy, I will still want a loving husband and a home and trust and my faith and security, I believe that god can fix me, if I allow him to. I will never have those things with an active addict. and that breaks me. I want him to come back sober and clean, redeemed and whole. I saw a tag on someone's post that said "if I had one wish, I would wish to end all of the worlds addictions oh it is sooooooo true!!!! I hate drugs I hate them. they are from the depths of hell. I wonder why god even created the poppy flower, and how could such a beautiful, brilliant creation of gods be manipulated and changed into something as vile as heroin? Why when I was prescribed opiates from the doctor did I not crave them when the bottle was gone? When so many others do? I refuse to be Wendy waiting by the window for peter pan, and yet if he does call me.... how do I have the strength to say no? thank you everyone, Im heading to a meeting
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(((((Lily))))
I struggled with letting go and letting God.. Can't tell you how many times I handed it over and then took it right back a few minutes later.. Still do lol, I'm just getting better at letting God hold it for a little longer then I used too...
I've asked myself the same questions you are asking and I don't have the answers.. Why is my husband throwing away his marriage for pills and spice and God only knows what else.. Because he's an addict that's why and his addiction is larger then life in his universe..
Your doing the right thing.. Keep focusing on yourself and keep handing it over to God even if you do take it back a few times.. The higher power I believe in is alway willing to take it from me when I'm willing to hand it over.. Sometimes situations don't always work out the way we think they need to but I do know when I let my HP take over, they work out the way they are supposed too.. Sometimes the pain and misery we are experiencing is just Gods way of making us grow...
Hang in there.. You've got this!!
I struggled with letting go and letting God.. Can't tell you how many times I handed it over and then took it right back a few minutes later.. Still do lol, I'm just getting better at letting God hold it for a little longer then I used too...
I've asked myself the same questions you are asking and I don't have the answers.. Why is my husband throwing away his marriage for pills and spice and God only knows what else.. Because he's an addict that's why and his addiction is larger then life in his universe..
Your doing the right thing.. Keep focusing on yourself and keep handing it over to God even if you do take it back a few times.. The higher power I believe in is alway willing to take it from me when I'm willing to hand it over.. Sometimes situations don't always work out the way we think they need to but I do know when I let my HP take over, they work out the way they are supposed too.. Sometimes the pain and misery we are experiencing is just Gods way of making us grow...
Hang in there.. You've got this!!
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Join Date: Jan 2012
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Lily,
What an honest post. This letting go stuff is HARD. I'm just learning to do it myself. I'm actually studying it, which is helping me keep it in my head a little longer.
Something that is sticking with me tonight (and bear in mind, I'm new at letting go and letting God, too) is that I can actually choose how to feel--or, at least, I have a choice to behave differently, and when I act different, in a positive way, I feel better.
I don't have an addict BF--I have an addict son. So much of what he does pisses me off. But I can choose to stew in that resentment, or I can...go to a movie, take a bath, call my sponsor, play solitare on the computer, make the muffins I said I'd make for the soup kitchen, call an AA friend, post on this board (like you did!).
I choose, in the moment, not to give him my power. Instead, I choose to do something that makes me feel good. It sounds so simple, but it seems to work for me.
I am a rank newbie in Al-Anon, so I know only a few things to do. My understanding of how this works is primitive. All I know is that when I'm feeling crappy, I consciously choose to do something--anything--that makes me feel good.
What are those things for you? How long has it been since you've done anything just because you like to do it? Not telling you what to do, just something to think about, to see if it makes sense for you.
What an honest post. This letting go stuff is HARD. I'm just learning to do it myself. I'm actually studying it, which is helping me keep it in my head a little longer.
Something that is sticking with me tonight (and bear in mind, I'm new at letting go and letting God, too) is that I can actually choose how to feel--or, at least, I have a choice to behave differently, and when I act different, in a positive way, I feel better.
I don't have an addict BF--I have an addict son. So much of what he does pisses me off. But I can choose to stew in that resentment, or I can...go to a movie, take a bath, call my sponsor, play solitare on the computer, make the muffins I said I'd make for the soup kitchen, call an AA friend, post on this board (like you did!).
I choose, in the moment, not to give him my power. Instead, I choose to do something that makes me feel good. It sounds so simple, but it seems to work for me.
I am a rank newbie in Al-Anon, so I know only a few things to do. My understanding of how this works is primitive. All I know is that when I'm feeling crappy, I consciously choose to do something--anything--that makes me feel good.
What are those things for you? How long has it been since you've done anything just because you like to do it? Not telling you what to do, just something to think about, to see if it makes sense for you.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
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There is a Bible verse that says all things are permissible, but not all things are beneficial. God also gave us common sense. It really is a no brainier that abusing drugs is not beneficial. That Poppy flower is not the problem--it's our wanting to pursue what is not beneficial that gets us in trouble. Same can be said for relationships. Some are not beneficial for us yet we keep pursuing them.
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Hmm well just had a long talk with his parents. his dad has not said much to me because he wants to protect me. He was a cocaine addict for years, hit bottom, cleaned up, and has been sober for 35 years. He went to BFs work today, talked to him and then BFs mom called me. "Danny thinks he's lost you. he knows you won't forgive another relapse, he told his father that he knows we will always love him, but he believes you are done. That choice is up to you, but I want you to know that there is a human side of him that is mourning the loss of the family he was building with you. I wouldn't answer the phone tonight. do what you want, but I think maybe losing those children forever just might help him hit bottom more quickly" He has not seen my children in over a month. I let him see them at church after rehab but when he used the last time I laid that boundary down. so here we are, waiting to see where he will go after work. I feel better after the meeting. my struggle is after one of his adventures, he goes right back to working the program. He gets the sponsor, goes to meetings, the whole nine yards. Hmmm.... I can't understand why I am so sick, it didn't start with him... I was with an alcoholic for 8 years, the enabling wife. I got out, handed the outcome of if I met someone to god. Low and behold I meet a charming piano player who is the pastors grandson at church... the positives go on and on about how I really thought that this was a person god approved of me having in ky life. and then I found out about the addiction. ugh I wish I knew why our paths crossed in the first place. it makes no sense at all.
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I know how you feel Lily, I am one of those people who have too go through the same questions over and over and I am one of those people who "thinks" there has to be a logical answer for everything but the truth is there isn't.
I am working on my addiction to my AH it is hard but we can do this.
I am working on my addiction to my AH it is hard but we can do this.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 598
Since your first husband was alcoholic, then it appears you were attracted to your current boyfriend for the same reasons as you were for your ex. In other words you are a co-dependent.
Did you find out about your ex husband's alcoholism after marriage? If so, then this time you know before marriage what you are up against. That is a blessing God has given you--the truth of what lies ahead.
I imagine you don't want a repeat of the past. All the more reason to work on yourself so you can dispose of your codependency. Otherwise I am afraid you'll relive what you just recently left behind.
Did you find out about your ex husband's alcoholism after marriage? If so, then this time you know before marriage what you are up against. That is a blessing God has given you--the truth of what lies ahead.
I imagine you don't want a repeat of the past. All the more reason to work on yourself so you can dispose of your codependency. Otherwise I am afraid you'll relive what you just recently left behind.
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Originally Posted by kmangel 
Since your first husband was alcoholic, then it appears you were attracted to your current boyfriend for the same reasons as you were for your ex. In other words you are a co-dependent.
Did you find out about your ex husband's alcoholism after marriage? If so, then this time you know before marriage what you are up against. That is a blessing God has given you--the truth of what lies ahead.
I imagine you don't want a repeat of the past. All the more reason to work on yourself so you can dispose of your codependency. Otherwise I am afraid you'll relive what you just recently left behind.
Did you find out about your ex husband's alcoholism after marriage? If so, then this time you know before marriage what you are up against. That is a blessing God has given you--the truth of what lies ahead.
I imagine you don't want a repeat of the past. All the more reason to work on yourself so you can dispose of your codependency. Otherwise I am afraid you'll relive what you just recently left behind.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 598
You can change. Not overnight, but in time. You have the gift of time on your side since you are now fully aware of your boyfriend's addiction. The best gift you can give him is to let him sink or swim without any interference from you. I think you know that.
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Join Date: Nov 2012
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You'll get there Lily darlin. I felt just like you just a few long weeks ago. Remember one day at a time, you'll get there.
I think what shocked me into letting go and letting God was the realisation that it was his life to live how he chooses...who am I to force my thinking onto how he should be. It's his life not mine! Even though mine swears he doesn't want to live like that he still chides to rather than choosing recovery. He also says a lot of things that turned out not to be true either. It's heartbreaking to watch some one throw away their lives but it's their lives! Don't let him throw away yours too babes.
You'll get there hunny. Big hugs x
I think what shocked me into letting go and letting God was the realisation that it was his life to live how he chooses...who am I to force my thinking onto how he should be. It's his life not mine! Even though mine swears he doesn't want to live like that he still chides to rather than choosing recovery. He also says a lot of things that turned out not to be true either. It's heartbreaking to watch some one throw away their lives but it's their lives! Don't let him throw away yours too babes.
You'll get there hunny. Big hugs x
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Tarot, Hit it head on it took me a long time to understand it is "his" live to live as he sees fit, I think my problem was but... it affects me so it is my life also that was stinky thinking but I am guilty of that.
Last edited by crazybabie; 11-20-2012 at 01:23 PM. Reason: I seem too have an issue with my space bar lol
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Oh, Lily, I think we may be from the same mold!
I met my first son's father while I was in college, at a party. Typical college behavior.
He drank and smoked pot. He also liked his extacsy (sp?) During my pregnancy and after the baby was born, he didn't shape up so I shipped him out (after I forgave him many, many times.....of course). He also had a problem with telling the truth, which just kills me.
My child and I went on our way. I finished college and went to law school. Everything was fine.
I met the man who would become my husband at church. He was the Youth Pastor; on the church board; and a life long member of this church. His entire family also attended. My aunt and uncle knew this boy since he was small. I thought this was my dream come true! It hasn't been!
Hang in there! God has a wonderful life planned for you and your little ones! I know he does! I just keep telling myself that when I truly let go of my AH, God can and will step in and work miracles in him.
Sometimes I wonder if God is getting aggravated with me for being so stubborn. He's probably wondering why in the world I'm still putting up with my AH's issues....He raised me better than that.
I met my first son's father while I was in college, at a party. Typical college behavior.
He drank and smoked pot. He also liked his extacsy (sp?) During my pregnancy and after the baby was born, he didn't shape up so I shipped him out (after I forgave him many, many times.....of course). He also had a problem with telling the truth, which just kills me.
My child and I went on our way. I finished college and went to law school. Everything was fine.
I met the man who would become my husband at church. He was the Youth Pastor; on the church board; and a life long member of this church. His entire family also attended. My aunt and uncle knew this boy since he was small. I thought this was my dream come true! It hasn't been!
Hang in there! God has a wonderful life planned for you and your little ones! I know he does! I just keep telling myself that when I truly let go of my AH, God can and will step in and work miracles in him.
Sometimes I wonder if God is getting aggravated with me for being so stubborn. He's probably wondering why in the world I'm still putting up with my AH's issues....He raised me better than that.
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Uk
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Lilly - God WILL NOT do a miracle. He will, however, guide you on the right path if you pray for guidance. Pray to him to guide you on the path that He thinks you should be on n that he will help you with your recovery xox
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Originally Posted by Faithlove
Oh, Lily, I think we may be from the same mold!
I met my first son's father while I was in college, at a party. Typical college behavior.
He drank and smoked pot. He also liked his extacsy (sp?) During my pregnancy and after the baby was born, he didn't shape up so I shipped him out (after I forgave him many, many times.....of course). He also had a problem with telling the truth, which just kills me.
My child and I went on our way. I finished college and went to law school. Everything was fine.
I met the man who would become my husband at church. He was the Youth Pastor; on the church board; and a life long member of this church. His entire family also attended. My aunt and uncle knew this boy since he was small. I thought this was my dream come true! It hasn't been!
Hang in there! God has a wonderful life planned for you and your little ones! I know he does! I just keep telling myself that when I truly let go of my AH, God can and will step in and work miracles in him.
Sometimes I wonder if God is getting aggravated with me for being so stubborn. He's probably wondering why in the world I'm still putting up with my AH's issues....He raised me better than that.
I met my first son's father while I was in college, at a party. Typical college behavior.
He drank and smoked pot. He also liked his extacsy (sp?) During my pregnancy and after the baby was born, he didn't shape up so I shipped him out (after I forgave him many, many times.....of course). He also had a problem with telling the truth, which just kills me.
My child and I went on our way. I finished college and went to law school. Everything was fine.
I met the man who would become my husband at church. He was the Youth Pastor; on the church board; and a life long member of this church. His entire family also attended. My aunt and uncle knew this boy since he was small. I thought this was my dream come true! It hasn't been!
Hang in there! God has a wonderful life planned for you and your little ones! I know he does! I just keep telling myself that when I truly let go of my AH, God can and will step in and work miracles in him.
Sometimes I wonder if God is getting aggravated with me for being so stubborn. He's probably wondering why in the world I'm still putting up with my AH's issues....He raised me better than that.
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Well. I saw him today for 20 minutes. I don't know how well I did so... here goes the convo ( Yes there are plenty of Christian references in it because that's our higher power.)
I didn't run up and hug him and kiss his cheek like I wanted to soooooo bad. I said "wow. you look like sh*%. You haven't eaten in a week." he had nothing to say. he side he wanted to listen. he had no excuses for me no Im sorries no It won't happen agains... silent. alert but small pupils, Id say one day out from using. I spit the bible at him wrathfully. I know for some it makes them angry but he doesn't listen to any human being or always contradicts or manipulates our reasoning and does that crazymaking addict stuff. but for some reason, if you give him the verse he accepts it, then goes and reads it. I haven't gone no contact yet, but I told him he can call me and if he wants to see me he knows where our pew is on Sundays. he said will everything be better when I can pass the drug tests again for you and my parents? When can I see the kids again? am I really gonna miss thier birthdays?? I told him to be thankful he was allowed to have thanksgiving with his family and focus on fixing the damage with them. I told him I was just as sick as he is. I do not ever want a relapse like this weekend ever ever ever again. I can't not have a codie freak out when Im all wrapped up in him. he said but if I drug test clean.... I said drug tests are for codies hun. one of my friends (cynical one
) told me. using looks like using. My gut has never been wrong before. He asked how to win me back.... I looked at him square in the eye and said lay down that tray and follow Him. even the demons believe in him. that he is real. but even then... its not enough. Because baby recovery looks like recovery, recovery looks like redemption...... ugh thanks again for letting me vent. ugh!!!! It was so hard!!!!!!!! And hard that he accepts it and doesn't contradict it. And I want to believe he gets it but ugh..... I let go lot, and I tried. I had never given him any opinions on his recovery before.... it was so strange to have him back from a binge and then ask what I think. ugh wierd....
I didn't run up and hug him and kiss his cheek like I wanted to soooooo bad. I said "wow. you look like sh*%. You haven't eaten in a week." he had nothing to say. he side he wanted to listen. he had no excuses for me no Im sorries no It won't happen agains... silent. alert but small pupils, Id say one day out from using. I spit the bible at him wrathfully. I know for some it makes them angry but he doesn't listen to any human being or always contradicts or manipulates our reasoning and does that crazymaking addict stuff. but for some reason, if you give him the verse he accepts it, then goes and reads it. I haven't gone no contact yet, but I told him he can call me and if he wants to see me he knows where our pew is on Sundays. he said will everything be better when I can pass the drug tests again for you and my parents? When can I see the kids again? am I really gonna miss thier birthdays?? I told him to be thankful he was allowed to have thanksgiving with his family and focus on fixing the damage with them. I told him I was just as sick as he is. I do not ever want a relapse like this weekend ever ever ever again. I can't not have a codie freak out when Im all wrapped up in him. he said but if I drug test clean.... I said drug tests are for codies hun. one of my friends (cynical one
) told me. using looks like using. My gut has never been wrong before. He asked how to win me back.... I looked at him square in the eye and said lay down that tray and follow Him. even the demons believe in him. that he is real. but even then... its not enough. Because baby recovery looks like recovery, recovery looks like redemption...... ugh thanks again for letting me vent. ugh!!!! It was so hard!!!!!!!! And hard that he accepts it and doesn't contradict it. And I want to believe he gets it but ugh..... I let go lot, and I tried. I had never given him any opinions on his recovery before.... it was so strange to have him back from a binge and then ask what I think. ugh wierd....
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Originally Posted by Faithlove
Oh, Lily, I think we may be from the same mold!
I met my first son's father while I was in college, at a party. Typical college behavior.
He drank and smoked pot. He also liked his extacsy (sp?) During my pregnancy and after the baby was born, he didn't shape up so I shipped him out (after I forgave him many, many times.....of course). He also had a problem with telling the truth, which just kills me.
My child and I went on our way. I finished college and went to law school. Everything was fine.
I met the man who would become my husband at church. He was the Youth Pastor; on the church board; and a life long member of this church. His entire family also attended. My aunt and uncle knew this boy since he was small. I thought this was my dream come true! It hasn't been!
Hang in there! God has a wonderful life planned for you and your little ones! I know he does! I just keep telling myself that when I truly let go of my AH, God can and will step in and work miracles in him.
Sometimes I wonder if God is getting aggravated with me for being so stubborn. He's probably wondering why in the world I'm still putting up with my AH's issues....He raised me better than that.
I met my first son's father while I was in college, at a party. Typical college behavior.
He drank and smoked pot. He also liked his extacsy (sp?) During my pregnancy and after the baby was born, he didn't shape up so I shipped him out (after I forgave him many, many times.....of course). He also had a problem with telling the truth, which just kills me.
My child and I went on our way. I finished college and went to law school. Everything was fine.
I met the man who would become my husband at church. He was the Youth Pastor; on the church board; and a life long member of this church. His entire family also attended. My aunt and uncle knew this boy since he was small. I thought this was my dream come true! It hasn't been!
Hang in there! God has a wonderful life planned for you and your little ones! I know he does! I just keep telling myself that when I truly let go of my AH, God can and will step in and work miracles in him.
Sometimes I wonder if God is getting aggravated with me for being so stubborn. He's probably wondering why in the world I'm still putting up with my AH's issues....He raised me better than that.
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Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
I understand how powerless we are over addiction and another person. Starting over at the first step is always a good place to begin. It helped me when a sponsor said....ok...so what about the second part of that step....list out and then tell me all of the ways that your life is unmanageable. What are the signs and symptoms that you've displayed while actually trying to have power over all of this that you say you have no power over.
For me, the list included: my time and thoughts being eaten up with worry over another person, having low level anxiety at all times, overeating, being preoccupied with thoughts of my qualifier and therefore not being emotionally present for my sons, not tending to my own finances/responsibilities due to my time being spent worrying over him and feeling sad about the whole thing. Basically, my life was unmanageable because I had lost my emotional sobriety. And forget about having any sense of serenity.
There is a fine line between love and obsession. I thought that what I felt for my qualifier was love but it actually turned into an obsession. I wanted him to be different so I could have what I wanted - which was a relationship with him. I found it difficult to accept who he really was because I just knew how good it could be between us if he changed.
So then.....I was back to the serenity prayer.....God, grant me the courage to accept the things I cannot change (anyone and anything else), the courage to change the things I can (me and my behaviors/actions/thoughts/feelings/obsessions/worriers), and the wisdom to know the difference.
Sending you hugs - this is tough stuff but the answers really are in the steps.
For me, the list included: my time and thoughts being eaten up with worry over another person, having low level anxiety at all times, overeating, being preoccupied with thoughts of my qualifier and therefore not being emotionally present for my sons, not tending to my own finances/responsibilities due to my time being spent worrying over him and feeling sad about the whole thing. Basically, my life was unmanageable because I had lost my emotional sobriety. And forget about having any sense of serenity.
There is a fine line between love and obsession. I thought that what I felt for my qualifier was love but it actually turned into an obsession. I wanted him to be different so I could have what I wanted - which was a relationship with him. I found it difficult to accept who he really was because I just knew how good it could be between us if he changed.
So then.....I was back to the serenity prayer.....God, grant me the courage to accept the things I cannot change (anyone and anything else), the courage to change the things I can (me and my behaviors/actions/thoughts/feelings/obsessions/worriers), and the wisdom to know the difference.
Sending you hugs - this is tough stuff but the answers really are in the steps.
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