dalawa

I'm not sure this is an appropriate question, so maybe someone can point me to a good resource. I'm not sure how to act towards my boyfriend when he comes home drunk. I won't argue with him, or confront him, and he knows I know he's drunk, but he pretends things are fine. I try to talk to him as little as possible without being too passive aggressive (for fear of making him angry).

I'm new here and haven't been to an al-anon meeting yet (newcomer mtg on monday - I'm scared but willing to go). But I'm not even sure I'll find answers to these types of questions at meetings. I feel like I need a handbook. Even the next morning, I feel frustrated and he acts sweet. I know I can only control myself but i have no idea what would a healthy reaction be. I hope I can find a middle ground between acceptance/self control and just getting so used to him coming home drunk that I'm not bothered by it anymore.

SparkleKitty

I used to find that going about my business as normal without worrying about him or what he was doing was the only option for me. If my XABF got mad at me for "ignoring" him I would ask what he wanted to do or talk about it. Usually he didn't actually want to do anything or actually talk to me, he was just upset that I wasn't giving him the attention he wanted. But by asking what he wanted to do or talk about, he would quickly recognize that I not only knew he was drunk, but that I knew very well that he only wanted my attention. "Never mind," he would say, and go back to his bottle.

thislonelygirl

sparkle kitty is right.
you cant rationalize with him while hes drunk. save the serious talks when hes sober.
ive found that serious talks only work so often even then your walking on egg shells.
try to take a deep breath when yiu find yourself frustrated and remember you can bring a horse to water but you cant make them drink

dalawa

Thanks, it makes perfect sense. That's kind of what I was doing last night and it seemed to keep a balance. But even today I still feel upset about it and he's trying to be nice and suggesting things to do tonight. I'm trying to appreciate his efforts but I just plain don't feel like it. Don't feel like pretending it's all wonderful.

Thanks for listening.

SparkleKitty

You don't have to pretend anything. It'll just make you tired.

ZiggyB

Yeah I believe Al-anon advises you not to react to these "episodes" at all because getting upset will only make things worse, especially if he's been drinking.

The question you need to ask yourself is do you want to be in a relationship with someone who drinks so much? It seems to me the answer is no... you can't really make yourself NOT care and pretend that it doesn't bother you because the resentment will build and someday you'll have a huge fight about it all and then he'll accuse you of being controlling and interfering with his "lifestyle" or some such crud.

Sometimes reading him the riot act the next day seemed to help for a time -- but he would go back to his old ways rather quickly. It took me a while to learn I could not control him or cure him, Lord knows I tried. Maybe you deserve a guy who doesn't make you a basket case... I know I do as well.

soberwife2012

i wish you luck on monday! you are taking the best steps for yourself! everyone in the meeting has been in your shoes and will understand. you only have to say your name but listen very close to what is going on because it might just save your mental health!!! i went to several meeting before i could even speak openly about my life and when i did it felt great to let it out!!

please do not have a serious talk with him when he is drinking. it will only make you upset and feel worse. you are having a conversion with a bottle not him.

fluffyflea

Get book one of four called Getting Them Sober, that will tell you how to take care of yourself in this situation.

BlueSkies1

Fear of making him angry?
Think about that for a minute. Do you want to live the rest of your life in fear of making him angry? What if you were married with children? Just how many years would you like to chalk up to living in fear?
I can only say for myself. As a 49 year old woman, ta'hell with living in fear of my partner. One thing I have learned is that we are all here on this earth with nobody who can protect ourselves and our independence, our right to live without fear, better than ourselves.
Think of a story, some married woman that you don't know and is 60 years old. She's been married 35 years to the same man. She has been afraid of making him angry all those years.
Did she do her life justice?

You are correct that it is right to never argue with a drunken person. It is also never right to never have to live in fear of your partner.

Rijjer

wow, this is me today!!
yesterday i headed to school to catch up some work, came home 4 hours later and there he was, stumbling, squinting & slurring, and trying to pretend he wasn't drunk.
i didn't flip out. i know it's not worth it to confront a drunk person.
luckily, we don't live together. even though i've asked him not to get drunk at my place by himself, this will be the second time in as many weeks. next time i plan on telling him that he's not welcome at my house when i'm not there. he's proven to me that he's not capable of respecting my feelings, or my wishes. and apparently he thinks i'm a f()&ing idiot, by thinking that i couldn't tell that he was drunk.

he's on his way over tonight, but i won't bring it up. i'll just wait until the next time i have school work & tell him to go home.

TakingCharge999

"Codependent no more" by Melody Beatty is a great book that answered many of my questions.