iseult

Like I said at the meeting tonight I feel like such a newb, running into meetings saying "I'm going to get sober this time! I've got literature and an online forum!" But I do truly mean it for the first time in my life, after the hellish two weeks I've had. And I had to have these events happen to get me to this point. I relapsed- hard. I was living in a state of denial because my drinking career only began a couple years ago and I spiralled so incredibly fast. I've been attempting recovery since, but kept slipping back because I refused to admit I'm an alcoholic, even though all the evidence was there.

After hitting my boyfriend in the hospital because he found my stash I'd snuck in, I realized then, at that moment, I am an alcoholic. The clarity that came after that (well, after the medical detox was done) was amazing. I've been doing 90 in 90, got every book I could find on alcoholism, signed up for local addiction counselling, got in touch with my local church about joining the parish, and even got myself a great job.

Then I got hit with a bombshell today- my boyfriend doesn't think he can cope. He's done and doesn't think we can pick up the pieces. Wedding's off, and he's starting to side with his parents that I should be shipped back to my home country (where I have absolutely nothing, by the way).

But instead of running for a bottle or losing it, or wishing that I hadn't done this, I hadn't done that, I instead thought "If everything hadn't happened in this relapse the way it did, I wouldn't be here now honestly getting sober." I didn't want to immediately change his parents views, or manipulate BF into staying with me. I just went into what I call a "serene state of panic and pain" if that makes any sense. Total opposite of how I usually react to situations.

Now...

I'm sitting here, unembracing that I'm an alcoholic, resenting it, and wishing that the events of the last two weeks hadn't happened. Two weeks ago I'd gotten a wedding dress, his parents loved me, and I had a wedding to look forward to. Plus a new house and getting a dog. All that's gone now.

I have to be grateful he decided in the end to take this a day at a time with me (although he's going back and forth with that), and understand how hurt and upset he is, not to mention how scared he is- but god it's hard. I want everything to go back to normal NOW and I'm losing my willpower to do the work. I'm sick of this sliding back and forth between embracing the steps and just wanting to undo the last year of my life. Or even just the last two weeks.

It's stupid to think that once I got sober everything would be amazing again because it wasn't amazing before I relapsed. Everything is so extreme at the minute that there's no way it can be fixed asap. But that doesn't seem to stop me from thinking the way I am right now.

Thanks guys. Sorry my posts are always so long.

dogmamma

So sorry. You would have ended up losing it all anyway if you kept drinking. You would have slowly ceased becoming the woman he loved anyway. I'm sorry it hurts now, but you will gain more by not taking yourself back to drinking.

I lost a lot and I keep thinking about the alternative to facing this problem. I'm sure I would have lost everything I've already lost and more otherwise.

xo Take care.

Impurrfect

((iseult)) - I'm sorry things are so crazy with he bf, I read your other post. The best ES&H I can give you is to keep working your recovery for YOU.

I found out that recovery doesn't mean life goes good. I've been through some of the roughest things in my LIFE since I've been in recovery. The awesome thing is I didn't crumble and use again (my DOC was crack), when horrid things happened, all I could think was "just let me get to SR, I'll be okay" and I clung to recovery as a lifeline.

Yes, I get ticked that I lost so much to my addiction. However, I can dwell on that, or I can keep putting one foot in front of the other, NOT make decisions that will cause further bad consequences, and that's pretty cool. When all else fails, I come here, I vent/moan/groan/whine, but I don't pick up.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

Thepatman

But look at it this way, you have a lot of courage to get sober, you know that and we do.

Sorry about your situation. But mariage is about standing by the one we love trough hardship. If you had a car accident and handicap, you would never recover, he would stay? You can recover from this...

dogmamma

One more thing, iseult. I know how hard it would be if suddenly everyone I loved disappeared when I needed them the most. Let all of us support you. We all understand and care that you are ok. xo

Delilah1

I agree with dog momma, hang around here and you will find lots of support. I am sorry for all you are going through. Hope you have some friends to support you with your recovery and with everything you are dealing with.

nogard

The only thing I was able to do in early recovery was look after myself. And at that point that meant not picking up for the day. Thats it, thats all, that and posting here and doing a meeting, talking to other addicts in recovery.

Because I did that, later I was able to look at the rest of my life and start to deal with things but always with my recovery 1st and foremost.

Threshold

Iseult,

Three years ago I was in a very similar situation, but I was already married (25 yrs) when my spouse decided to ship me out. I was 2000 miles away on a job when he told me he didn't want me to come home. I lost what was my life, had been my life for most of my life, and all the future and security I thought I'd built.

I was in recovery at the time, but I relapsed a few times after that. All I can say is that returning to drinking and drugging didn't do a darn bit of good. I've made much more progress in moving forward in my life and nurturing hope since I got and stayed sober.

I still have to deal with lots of resentment, anger and fear...and hurt. so much hurt and disillusionment, but life goes on. I've hit some ugly rock bottoms even since I got sober. I won't lie, it's not all been a steady uphill climb. But here I am, just the same, sober and with a chance for a future.

It sorta sucked to learn to live without my dream, but beyond dreams, there is reality. And hope is a reality, and dreams can become a reality. Sobriety ended a who heap of self induced nightmares. I'm still hesitant to dream.