I Shouldn't Be Surprised She Did This
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Central O-H-I-O
Posts: 1,689
I Shouldn't Be Surprised She Did This
And here we go: She has 2 drinks after he goes to bed, and so do I. She makes my 2nd one, I tell her not to ‘overdo it’, but she makes a strong one anyway - probably weak by her standards, but strong to mine. I drink it because I don’t want to waste it, I djust don't like that 'eh' feeling. I have no idea at this point how much she’s had. (Find out later it was about 8-10 ounces of Gin.). I go to bed. He wakes up screaming at around 10:55 pm, and she runs upstairs and goes in. After much calming, pleading, and begging, she finally gets him back to bed around 11:50. She says she’s exhausted, but goes back downstairs, for whatever reason. I quickly go back to sleep. At 12:55 am he wakes up and starts screaming again, and so I wait for her to come up – it doesn’t happen, so I put on clothes and run downstairs. She is slumped over on the couch with her phone in her hand. The baby monitor is right there and you can hear him screaming through the monitor and through the walls – she is out. She has an almost-empty glass of juice (and later find out with about 3-4 ozs of Amaretto) in a large glass. I grab the glass and take it to the sink. I go back and try to wake her up. She tosses her head around and then looks at me and asks, “Are you ready to go to bed?” I said I’ve already been in bed, I just got up. She says, “do you know (son) is crying?” I say I do and that’s why I came down, because he’s screaming. I tell her I will go up and take care of him – obviously she is in no shape to do so.
I go up and he is terrified of something and inconsolable. I try to walk him around but it’s not helping, he keeps calling for Mommy. She comes up and he goes to her. I ask her if she’s okay, and she says, “yeah, why not?” I don’t answer the “why not” question. Eventually he wants to come to me, so she lays him on the bed next to me and he settles down. Eventually I convince him he should go back to his own bed. I take him back, we talk for a bit, he has another one of our stuffed animals, and he says he’s good. I come back to bed, she has been lying on the bed for awhile, she goes downstairs, does whatever, and comes up and goes to sleep. We sleep in later than usual because of being up so late.
The next morning she reeks of booze, and I make the comment, “Wow, you were really out last night when I came down when he woke up the second time.” She says, “What’s your point? And what do you mean ‘second time'? He was only up once.” I said, “No, he was up twice, you put him down the first time, and then I put him down the second time.” She got all pissy that I must be making up stories.
So, here’s the recap: She remembers him waking up the first time and going to get him, she remembers me putting him to bed the SECOND time, but she doesn’t remember what happened in between. AND – had I not been in the house, she would have never heard him the second time to go get him. I don't know what to do. Might be time to find a lawyer and see what my options are, and how to get full custody - because she obviously can't be responsible to take care of him.
Thanks for reading.
C-OH Dad
P.S. Last night she didn't drink at all, just had tea.
I go up and he is terrified of something and inconsolable. I try to walk him around but it’s not helping, he keeps calling for Mommy. She comes up and he goes to her. I ask her if she’s okay, and she says, “yeah, why not?” I don’t answer the “why not” question. Eventually he wants to come to me, so she lays him on the bed next to me and he settles down. Eventually I convince him he should go back to his own bed. I take him back, we talk for a bit, he has another one of our stuffed animals, and he says he’s good. I come back to bed, she has been lying on the bed for awhile, she goes downstairs, does whatever, and comes up and goes to sleep. We sleep in later than usual because of being up so late.
The next morning she reeks of booze, and I make the comment, “Wow, you were really out last night when I came down when he woke up the second time.” She says, “What’s your point? And what do you mean ‘second time'? He was only up once.” I said, “No, he was up twice, you put him down the first time, and then I put him down the second time.” She got all pissy that I must be making up stories.
So, here’s the recap: She remembers him waking up the first time and going to get him, she remembers me putting him to bed the SECOND time, but she doesn’t remember what happened in between. AND – had I not been in the house, she would have never heard him the second time to go get him. I don't know what to do. Might be time to find a lawyer and see what my options are, and how to get full custody - because she obviously can't be responsible to take care of him.
Thanks for reading.
C-OH Dad
P.S. Last night she didn't drink at all, just had tea.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
So sorry, Central Ohio Dad, that this is getting so bad. You might be right that it is time to take some action. I can't remember, but I think you work during the day, and your baby is home with your wife?
It might be time to start gathering some evidence of what's happening. Can you use your cell phone or camera to video when she is out cold and the baby is crying? A written journal of exactly what happens may be useful as well as pictures.
I'm not saying this out of meanness; you may need to convince a judge that she's not currently capable of taking care of your son, as much as you'd like her to be.
Going to a lawyer to get information about what to do is probably timely, as is gathering evidence of what's going on. It doesn't mean that you'll have to use it in court. Perhaps you can first use it as an intervention with your wife to show her the truth of her behavior. Do you have a therapist who specializes in addiction to go to about this?
My AH used to black out, too and not remember anything. He would say vicious things to me and deny it in the morning. He would fall, knock over furniture. It was bad. Eventually he said that he wasn't there, it was another personality, who he named, and since AH didn't do this "himself" (as he saw it), he wasn't responsible for anything this "other guy" did. To see such a brilliant man devolve into such drivel and destruction was so painful. I am sure you are feeling the grief of watching someone you love disintegrate.
Our kids are long grown, so it was just me suffering the consequences. I think the situation you are in is the most difficult and perplexing of all, having to balance your love for your wife with your love for and responsibility for your son. It is heart-wrenching.
We're with you all the way here at SR as you go through the valleys of this dreadful disease.
ShootingStar1
It might be time to start gathering some evidence of what's happening. Can you use your cell phone or camera to video when she is out cold and the baby is crying? A written journal of exactly what happens may be useful as well as pictures.
I'm not saying this out of meanness; you may need to convince a judge that she's not currently capable of taking care of your son, as much as you'd like her to be.
Going to a lawyer to get information about what to do is probably timely, as is gathering evidence of what's going on. It doesn't mean that you'll have to use it in court. Perhaps you can first use it as an intervention with your wife to show her the truth of her behavior. Do you have a therapist who specializes in addiction to go to about this?
My AH used to black out, too and not remember anything. He would say vicious things to me and deny it in the morning. He would fall, knock over furniture. It was bad. Eventually he said that he wasn't there, it was another personality, who he named, and since AH didn't do this "himself" (as he saw it), he wasn't responsible for anything this "other guy" did. To see such a brilliant man devolve into such drivel and destruction was so painful. I am sure you are feeling the grief of watching someone you love disintegrate.
Our kids are long grown, so it was just me suffering the consequences. I think the situation you are in is the most difficult and perplexing of all, having to balance your love for your wife with your love for and responsibility for your son. It is heart-wrenching.
We're with you all the way here at SR as you go through the valleys of this dreadful disease.
ShootingStar1
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Central O-H-I-O
Posts: 1,689
Originally Posted by ShootingStar1 
So sorry, Central Ohio Dad, that this is getting so bad. You might be right that it is time to take some action. I can't remember, but I think you work during the day, and your baby is home with your wife?
It might be time to start gathering some evidence of what's happening. Can you use your cell phone or camera to video when she is out cold and the baby is crying? A written journal of exactly what happens may be useful as well as pictures.
I'm not saying this out of meanness; you may need to convince a judge that she's not currently capable of taking care of your son, as much as you'd like her to be.
Going to a lawyer to get information about what to do is probably timely, as is gathering evidence of what's going on. It doesn't mean that you'll have to use it in court. Perhaps you can first use it as an intervention with your wife to show her the truth of her behavior. Do you have a therapist who specializes in addiction to go to about this?
My AH used to black out, too and not remember anything. He would say vicious things to me and deny it in the morning. He would fall, knock over furniture. It was bad. Eventually he said that he wasn't there, it was another personality, who he named, and since AH didn't do this "himself" (as he saw it), he wasn't responsible for anything this "other guy" did. To see such a brilliant man devolve into such drivel and destruction was so painful. I am sure you are feeling the grief of watching someone you love disintegrate.
Our kids are long grown, so it was just me suffering the consequences. I think the situation you are in is the most difficult and perplexing of all, having to balance your love for your wife with your love for and responsibility for your son. It is heart-wrenching.
We're with you all the way here at SR as you go through the valleys of this dreadful disease.
ShootingStar1
It might be time to start gathering some evidence of what's happening. Can you use your cell phone or camera to video when she is out cold and the baby is crying? A written journal of exactly what happens may be useful as well as pictures.
I'm not saying this out of meanness; you may need to convince a judge that she's not currently capable of taking care of your son, as much as you'd like her to be.
Going to a lawyer to get information about what to do is probably timely, as is gathering evidence of what's going on. It doesn't mean that you'll have to use it in court. Perhaps you can first use it as an intervention with your wife to show her the truth of her behavior. Do you have a therapist who specializes in addiction to go to about this?
My AH used to black out, too and not remember anything. He would say vicious things to me and deny it in the morning. He would fall, knock over furniture. It was bad. Eventually he said that he wasn't there, it was another personality, who he named, and since AH didn't do this "himself" (as he saw it), he wasn't responsible for anything this "other guy" did. To see such a brilliant man devolve into such drivel and destruction was so painful. I am sure you are feeling the grief of watching someone you love disintegrate.
Our kids are long grown, so it was just me suffering the consequences. I think the situation you are in is the most difficult and perplexing of all, having to balance your love for your wife with your love for and responsibility for your son. It is heart-wrenching.
We're with you all the way here at SR as you go through the valleys of this dreadful disease.
ShootingStar1
And I don't take your comments/suggestions as mean - I need to have evidence and substantiating info if/when I need it to prove her as incompetent.
And I do need to find a therapist who specializes in addiction.
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Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,295
Ok, in most ways, your wife is trying to be a responsible person. She goes to work, she takes care of stuff after work until she thinks it is "her time". Then she indulges.
I think first I would look her straight in the eye and say--dear, I would never lie to you about how many times our son woke up during the night. I believe you have blacked out the second time because you were intoxicated. Liquor does that to people, you included, sometimes.
The issue is honey, that we have to parent sometimes in the middle of the night, not just until we think they have gone to sleep. You were unable to parent last night in the middle of the night because of alcohol.
I'm curious as to what she would say in return.
But...not remembering your whole story...and no time right now to look it up (I have to get back to work) all that I suggest saying may be pointless.
Thing is, in a marriage communication is key. If she can understand that you would not lie to her about his getting up a second time, then it will sink in on some level that she failed to parent.
I think first I would look her straight in the eye and say--dear, I would never lie to you about how many times our son woke up during the night. I believe you have blacked out the second time because you were intoxicated. Liquor does that to people, you included, sometimes.
The issue is honey, that we have to parent sometimes in the middle of the night, not just until we think they have gone to sleep. You were unable to parent last night in the middle of the night because of alcohol.
I'm curious as to what she would say in return.
But...not remembering your whole story...and no time right now to look it up (I have to get back to work) all that I suggest saying may be pointless.
Thing is, in a marriage communication is key. If she can understand that you would not lie to her about his getting up a second time, then it will sink in on some level that she failed to parent.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: SAN FRANCISCO
Posts: 1,176
Hi,
I am just wondering if you need to set a firmer boundary, take all the alcohol out of the house and tell her you will no longer drink when you're with her. I can't remember your whole story but have you tried that?
I am just wondering if you need to set a firmer boundary, take all the alcohol out of the house and tell her you will no longer drink when you're with her. I can't remember your whole story but have you tried that?
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Just offering support and empathy. Protecting the baby has to be priority no.1. If something worse happened to the baby, you would never forgive yourself. Please, take quick action, for the baby's sake, and for your own sanity.
Hugs.
Hugs.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
I think all of us who are parents here on this board really do understand just how scary of a feeling that is. I'm still wary of taking a sleeping aid if I'm the only adult around *just in case* DD wakes in the middle of the night. Luckily she's old enough now to walk to my room & wake me but when she was about 3 she had an incident one night where she woke sick & started vomiting all over herself before she was even awake & knew what was happening. Had I been even slightly out of it, I can't imagine how that evening could have played out differently.
Blackouts scare me all around. I don't blame you for being unnerved by this event. Your little man is very lucky to have you as a dad!
Blackouts scare me all around. I don't blame you for being unnerved by this event. Your little man is very lucky to have you as a dad!
My emotional baggage
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Northern CA
Posts: 285
CO Dad,
I dealt with this a lot before I left. Mine was obviously my husband "falling asleep" (using air quotes here) and yes it is more annoying because it is the "Mommy" doing this. But, if you are not ready to leave yet, plan on taking care of everything yourself or start practicing for, if and when you get full custody.
I suggest, don't stop to assist her on your way to your son. Go check on your son. Just leave her there. I was able to have way more peace living with my husband if when he checked out, I just mentally acted like he physically was not there. If my husband fell asleep on the couch or front porch for that matter, I stopped even trying to get him to bed. They are grown ups, if they choose to drink until they pass out, their choice. I can only be in control of how I react to their choice.
Guess what your son is going to remember. Not that Mommy was asleep on the couch but that you came and helped him in the middle of the night. If I remember correctly, you have been getting better at just going to bed if she stays up, this is just taking it a step further....Next time, take a picture of her, after you check on your son and get him back to sleep. Just in case you need it, if you decide to leave..
4MyBoys
I dealt with this a lot before I left. Mine was obviously my husband "falling asleep" (using air quotes here) and yes it is more annoying because it is the "Mommy" doing this. But, if you are not ready to leave yet, plan on taking care of everything yourself or start practicing for, if and when you get full custody.
I suggest, don't stop to assist her on your way to your son. Go check on your son. Just leave her there. I was able to have way more peace living with my husband if when he checked out, I just mentally acted like he physically was not there. If my husband fell asleep on the couch or front porch for that matter, I stopped even trying to get him to bed. They are grown ups, if they choose to drink until they pass out, their choice. I can only be in control of how I react to their choice.
Guess what your son is going to remember. Not that Mommy was asleep on the couch but that you came and helped him in the middle of the night. If I remember correctly, you have been getting better at just going to bed if she stays up, this is just taking it a step further....Next time, take a picture of her, after you check on your son and get him back to sleep. Just in case you need it, if you decide to leave..
4MyBoys
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: GA, USA
Posts: 130
Hi, Central. I felt obligated to write a response to your post, as it almost describes me (I'm a recovering alcoholic) perfectly.
I used to drink with my husband at night when the kids went to bed (about 4-5yrs ago). Sometimes I would drink more than I should and start acting silly. My husband finally decided he didnt want to drink anymore after seeing how it made me act. I would continue to drink anyway. He finally told me he didnt like for me to drink anymore. Of course, that didnt stop me from sneeking drinks. I do know, which is something I read on your post, that whenever my husband DID want a drink, I made sure to make that drink as strong as possible. He would drink it to keep from wasting it. My method behind fixing strong drinks was in hopes he would want to keep drinking more as well, which made me feel better about drinking in front of him. My husband would go to bed and I would finish up whatever was left.
I drank for almost ten years, the last four being the worst b/c I was still drinking after having my beautiful daughter. Some nights I wouldnt hear her cry, most others I would. The worst part was my husband callling me out on the fact that I slept through so much. I would feel so guilty and wouldnt drink that next night; but, I always started right back up a day later. It took many years of my husband telling me how much my drinking bothered him, before I finally decided (on my own) to quit.
He is an amazing husband, and I'm still shocked to this day that he never left me (I'm not sure I could have been strong enough to deal w/someone who acted like I did).
You can try talking to her, without attacking her (because all shes going to do is go on the deffense and not really listen to you if you jump her about everything) and tell her how you feel, what you are worried about and ask her if she thinks maybe she has a problem. Maybe she feels overwhelmed with things? Issues at work?
You two should agree on a nice romantic place to go together in the future and start putting the money you would have spent on alcohol (and whatever else you two decide you waste money on) into a piggy bank, jar, box, etc... (just a suggestion...?) It will add up fast! Then you two could have a wonderful, sober, romantic time together and she will realize how much of a wonderful person you are.
Im very sorry you are going throught what you are. I never realized how much I was hurting people until I stopped drinking and took a step back to look at the whole picture. I pray for your family, that she will do the same.
I used to drink with my husband at night when the kids went to bed (about 4-5yrs ago). Sometimes I would drink more than I should and start acting silly. My husband finally decided he didnt want to drink anymore after seeing how it made me act. I would continue to drink anyway. He finally told me he didnt like for me to drink anymore. Of course, that didnt stop me from sneeking drinks. I do know, which is something I read on your post, that whenever my husband DID want a drink, I made sure to make that drink as strong as possible. He would drink it to keep from wasting it. My method behind fixing strong drinks was in hopes he would want to keep drinking more as well, which made me feel better about drinking in front of him. My husband would go to bed and I would finish up whatever was left.
I drank for almost ten years, the last four being the worst b/c I was still drinking after having my beautiful daughter. Some nights I wouldnt hear her cry, most others I would. The worst part was my husband callling me out on the fact that I slept through so much. I would feel so guilty and wouldnt drink that next night; but, I always started right back up a day later. It took many years of my husband telling me how much my drinking bothered him, before I finally decided (on my own) to quit.
He is an amazing husband, and I'm still shocked to this day that he never left me (I'm not sure I could have been strong enough to deal w/someone who acted like I did).
You can try talking to her, without attacking her (because all shes going to do is go on the deffense and not really listen to you if you jump her about everything) and tell her how you feel, what you are worried about and ask her if she thinks maybe she has a problem. Maybe she feels overwhelmed with things? Issues at work?
You two should agree on a nice romantic place to go together in the future and start putting the money you would have spent on alcohol (and whatever else you two decide you waste money on) into a piggy bank, jar, box, etc... (just a suggestion...?) It will add up fast! Then you two could have a wonderful, sober, romantic time together and she will realize how much of a wonderful person you are.
Im very sorry you are going throught what you are. I never realized how much I was hurting people until I stopped drinking and took a step back to look at the whole picture. I pray for your family, that she will do the same.
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 326
I forget if you live with her still or not?
Second, and this may sound mean, but if your son is screaming in the night, why did you go to HER instead of HIM first? Take care of the baby, then find out what happened to the drunk. He was inconsolable and terrified because he was crying and crying and nobody was coming. If he woke at 12:55 and you waited for her to respond, then put your clothes on, then ran downstairs, then take the glass out of her hand and put it in the kitchen sink, then try to wake her, then have a discussion with her, then FINALLY go back upstairs and take care of the baby, are you surprised the baby is terrified and inconsolable.
First rule in any household MUST be: THE BABY FIRST, THE DRUNK LATER.
If you don't live with her, I wonder how often this happens? This poor child wakes in the night and screams and screams and no one comes? If this is the case, and you aren't there, how would you know, but if it's the case, your child is being set up for BIG problems in his childhood and for the rest of his life. Babies need people to come RIGHT AWAY when they are in trouble/scared/hurt etc... Babies who don't get that, learn not to trust the world, not to trust other people and are scarred for life. People coming when a baby cries is the babies first lesson in life. It's VITAL.
It's a good idea to talk to a lawyer, but if there's any possibility that this happens you MUST talk to a child psychologist that deals with young children.
And remember: what happens to the baby matters, what happens to the drunk doesn't. Babies first.
Second, and this may sound mean, but if your son is screaming in the night, why did you go to HER instead of HIM first? Take care of the baby, then find out what happened to the drunk. He was inconsolable and terrified because he was crying and crying and nobody was coming. If he woke at 12:55 and you waited for her to respond, then put your clothes on, then ran downstairs, then take the glass out of her hand and put it in the kitchen sink, then try to wake her, then have a discussion with her, then FINALLY go back upstairs and take care of the baby, are you surprised the baby is terrified and inconsolable.
First rule in any household MUST be: THE BABY FIRST, THE DRUNK LATER.
If you don't live with her, I wonder how often this happens? This poor child wakes in the night and screams and screams and no one comes? If this is the case, and you aren't there, how would you know, but if it's the case, your child is being set up for BIG problems in his childhood and for the rest of his life. Babies need people to come RIGHT AWAY when they are in trouble/scared/hurt etc... Babies who don't get that, learn not to trust the world, not to trust other people and are scarred for life. People coming when a baby cries is the babies first lesson in life. It's VITAL.
It's a good idea to talk to a lawyer, but if there's any possibility that this happens you MUST talk to a child psychologist that deals with young children.
And remember: what happens to the baby matters, what happens to the drunk doesn't. Babies first.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
The most dangerous person in your young child's life is his mother, Central Ohio.
Yes. Have a discussion with an attorney.
Not one of us here would ever leave our babies in the care of your wife. She is untrustworthy because she CANNOT CONTROL her drinking. She cannot control how much she will drink, where she will drink, when she will drink. If I were interviewing babysitters for a toddler and I knew this fact about one of the interviewees, and hired her anyway, I would be considered by Child Protection Services as a negligent parent.
So, yes. I would consult an attorney and start thinking about a long-range plan to separate from your wife with full custody and supervised visitation. But all the pieces need to fall into place strategically. So talk to a lawyer. Think. Reflect. Gather information.
If you say to your wife you are concerned about her drinking, it will do absolutely no good, in my opinion. Trying to come between her and alcohol will never work. And if you want to see viciousness, try it often enough, and you will see the monster of addiction in all its horror.
You have a tough road ahead. Gather the very best support system you possibly can. The goal: protection of the child.
Yes. Have a discussion with an attorney.
Not one of us here would ever leave our babies in the care of your wife. She is untrustworthy because she CANNOT CONTROL her drinking. She cannot control how much she will drink, where she will drink, when she will drink. If I were interviewing babysitters for a toddler and I knew this fact about one of the interviewees, and hired her anyway, I would be considered by Child Protection Services as a negligent parent.
So, yes. I would consult an attorney and start thinking about a long-range plan to separate from your wife with full custody and supervised visitation. But all the pieces need to fall into place strategically. So talk to a lawyer. Think. Reflect. Gather information.
If you say to your wife you are concerned about her drinking, it will do absolutely no good, in my opinion. Trying to come between her and alcohol will never work. And if you want to see viciousness, try it often enough, and you will see the monster of addiction in all its horror.
You have a tough road ahead. Gather the very best support system you possibly can. The goal: protection of the child.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
This is it in a nutshell...
...so do you really need to know more, and do you really want to live with the consequences of doing nothing?
I'm living with them now having made the horrible, horrible mistake of not protecting my daughter from my wife and her drinking-- the mistake you are making right now.
I'm telling you that you do not want to live with the consequences.
THIS. This. This:
I'm living with them now having made the horrible, horrible mistake of not protecting my daughter from my wife and her drinking-- the mistake you are making right now.
I'm telling you that you do not want to live with the consequences.
THIS. This. This:
Originally Posted by EnglishGarden
The most dangerous person in your young child's life is his mother, Central Ohio.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Central O-H-I-O
Posts: 1,689
To Answer Some Questions
First of all, I thank you all for your support, I really do. I knew I could come here and let it out. I also let it out to a person at church who is my spiritual comforter, so to speak. Being able to be here is, and also has been, a tremendous support.
So, to answer some of the questions and provide more info, here I go: I did go get my Wife because knowing how bad he was, I knew that whatever parent walked in, he would want the other, which is exactly what happened. The good thing is, that after spending some time with her, he ended up with me and I put him back to bed. So, though your suggestions were about going to him first instead of her, it wouldn't have worked out in this situation, but I understand why you all would suggest that, and if was just simple crying, that's what I would have done. I thought about taking a picture/video of her, but knew that I had to attend to him as quickly as possible. I ended up running upstairs to him.
We still do live together, so she is NEVER alone with him at night. The only time I was not there for dinner/bath/bedtime was when I had to attend calling hours for a dear friend who passed earlier this year. So, in 32 months, he's always had me around. My job does not require me to travel, so that's a bonus.
I am going to type out the whole series of events and hand it to her. In the brief time we did MC, the therapist asked what the plan was if she ever blacked out again. She beligerently replied, "Let me fail and fall first, then we'll talk about consequences." Well, she failed, so there will be repercussions. The reason I will type it out is that she never believes me when I try to tell these stories to her, and ends up interrupting, calling ME crazy, and walking away. She may not read it, but I think she will. Will it change anything? I really don't know, probably not though. But, it will be in writing and serve as a warning.
I am still keeping a journal of everything she does, so I have exact dates, times, and actions. I wish she would just go away. My HP and I are in close and daily communication, so I'm trying to keep my heart, mind, ears, and eyes open for how He wants me to proceed.
C-OH Dad
So, to answer some of the questions and provide more info, here I go: I did go get my Wife because knowing how bad he was, I knew that whatever parent walked in, he would want the other, which is exactly what happened. The good thing is, that after spending some time with her, he ended up with me and I put him back to bed. So, though your suggestions were about going to him first instead of her, it wouldn't have worked out in this situation, but I understand why you all would suggest that, and if was just simple crying, that's what I would have done. I thought about taking a picture/video of her, but knew that I had to attend to him as quickly as possible. I ended up running upstairs to him.
We still do live together, so she is NEVER alone with him at night. The only time I was not there for dinner/bath/bedtime was when I had to attend calling hours for a dear friend who passed earlier this year. So, in 32 months, he's always had me around. My job does not require me to travel, so that's a bonus.
I am going to type out the whole series of events and hand it to her. In the brief time we did MC, the therapist asked what the plan was if she ever blacked out again. She beligerently replied, "Let me fail and fall first, then we'll talk about consequences." Well, she failed, so there will be repercussions. The reason I will type it out is that she never believes me when I try to tell these stories to her, and ends up interrupting, calling ME crazy, and walking away. She may not read it, but I think she will. Will it change anything? I really don't know, probably not though. But, it will be in writing and serve as a warning.
I am still keeping a journal of everything she does, so I have exact dates, times, and actions. I wish she would just go away. My HP and I are in close and daily communication, so I'm trying to keep my heart, mind, ears, and eyes open for how He wants me to proceed.
C-OH Dad
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
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I have wished on many occasions that my AH would just go away. I have told him to go away. He is still here. Wishing doesn't work unfortunately.
You said there will be repercussions - what are they? A letter you are pretty sure she will read, but may not. A warning - a warning of what? I have gotten a warning for speeding and only slow it down till I can't see the cop anymore.
I pray every night that AH will stop drinking. I pray for the whole thing to go away. I have even prayed for him to have a pancreatitis flare up so it might scare him to stop. What I need to be praying for is for the good lord to grow me a set of balls and stop praying so much about AH. There are many wonderful things about my AH, many. I suppose that is why I struggle when it is intolerable. I dont' need to know how to proceed I know, as you do what needs to be done.
It ain't easy.
Hugs to you - wishing you a peaceful day today and strength.
You said there will be repercussions - what are they? A letter you are pretty sure she will read, but may not. A warning - a warning of what? I have gotten a warning for speeding and only slow it down till I can't see the cop anymore.
I pray every night that AH will stop drinking. I pray for the whole thing to go away. I have even prayed for him to have a pancreatitis flare up so it might scare him to stop. What I need to be praying for is for the good lord to grow me a set of balls and stop praying so much about AH. There are many wonderful things about my AH, many. I suppose that is why I struggle when it is intolerable. I dont' need to know how to proceed I know, as you do what needs to be done.
It ain't easy.
Hugs to you - wishing you a peaceful day today and strength.
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 326
Originally Posted by CentralOhioDad
So, to answer some of the questions and provide more info, here I go: I did go get my Wife because knowing how bad he was, I knew that whatever parent walked in, he would want the other, which is exactly what happened. The good thing is, that after spending some time with her, he ended up with me and I put him back to bed. So, though your suggestions were about going to him first instead of her, it wouldn't have worked out in this situation,
Besides, you contradict yourself: "...I knew that whatever parent walked in, he would want the other..." But at first you were willing to stay in bed and let her go in and get him alone. So by your admission even if she hadn't been passed out and had gone in alone, he'd have wanted you, and there you were in bed.
Please talk to a child psychologist. Your son comes first. I guarantee with a drunk for a mother and a codie for a father, both of whom put the drunk first, your son will be having therapists in his future. Might as well start young and mitigate the damage as much as you can from the start. Learn from a professional how to co-parent with a drunk and what children really need.
No the letter won't work, whether she reads it or not. Alcoholism cannot be reasoned away. And if she says you are crazy when you speak the truth to her, she'll just say you are making it up when you write it out for her.
You cannot cure her alcoholism. You are trying to by making her 'see' it. She doesn't want to see it and has decided not to see it and so won't see it. Not if you have video cameras recording it. It's an amazing thing for normal people to witness--denial so strong people cannot see the obvious. They can put their hand on a brick wall and swear it's not there.
It's so easy for us to be in denial about the strength of their denial. That way we can maintain our own denial about what we need to do to fix our lives.
You can't cure her. Not with video cameras or letters or arguments or shame or threats.
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 326
Originally Posted by fourmaggie
i am surprised...and she is still working? wow...BUT one day she wont...another thing to think of...what is going to happen when they FIRE her....its coming...
Divorce her before she gets fired: no or little alimony for a set period.
Divorce her after she gets fired: lots of alimony for a long time.
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Keep recording the events and moving forward OhioDad, I am glad you are starting to realize things at this time... followed up with action, your baby can be a healthier person in the future.
I am not a mom, but if alcohol beats the natural mother instinct to take care of the baby, there you have it ,she is way deep in her addiction and it is a very unrealistic fantasy to think she will change any time soon. Or any time. Many addicts die without hitting rock bottom.
Hugs and support, I am sending good thoughts your way.
I am not a mom, but if alcohol beats the natural mother instinct to take care of the baby, there you have it ,she is way deep in her addiction and it is a very unrealistic fantasy to think she will change any time soon. Or any time. Many addicts die without hitting rock bottom.
Hugs and support, I am sending good thoughts your way.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Mass
Posts: 149
CentralOhioDad - I have read a lot of your posts and haven't responded. Right now I have a 21yo alcoholic son who is in recovery. What I am going to say is just my experience and take it or leave it. I grew up in an alcoholic home. My father was an alcoholic. My earliest memories are of my father drunk. And when I say earliest memories I'm talking 3 or maybe 4 years old. Every single memory of my childhood is clouded by the fact that my father was drunk. I can still to this day tell you the time he started drinking each day. The consequences of his drinking. All of the Christmas Eve's where we went to look at lights as a family and my father driving drunk. My mother was never able to get me away from my alcoholic father because she died when I was a child. Set boundaries (NO ALCOHOL IN THE HOUSE) maybe a good one. But most of all the most important thing is remember no child should have to grow up living with an active alcoholic. I was far more scared by living in the home with my father than anything else in my life. My son is 21 and he had the option of living in my home and not drinking or moving out. He chose to leave. As an adult I can choose if I will or won't live with an active alcoholic as a child I hid in other rooms and covered my ears to get away from it and prayed to God someone would get me away from it. I've been married now for 27 years. When my husband asked me out on our first date I told him I would never date anyone who drinks or thinks going out to a bar is the way to have a good time. I honestly believe he was sent to me by God because as a child I prayed daily for me to never grow up and marry an alcoholic.
You have to make the decision if you are willing to allow your child to grow up in the house of an active alcoholic. You are all your child has.
You have to make the decision if you are willing to allow your child to grow up in the house of an active alcoholic. You are all your child has.
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