two months plus
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 225
two months plus
It's been a little over two months since my A left. The first two weeks were a nightmare, I couldn't stop crying. But slowly, I've begun to focus on my own life and do things for me. I'm doing things for me that i couldn't/wouldn't do when my A was here. Like cooking meals (vegetarian) that I like, having friends over to my house which I couldn't do when he was here and always drunk. Unfortunately his leaving has put me in a real financial bind. I don't have the money to get out and do things for myself as far as going out for a meal or some entertainment, etc. So I'm having real mixed feelings here. I don't miss living with a drunk, but I do miss having some social interaction with other people. I live in a somewhat isolated area and even when my XA was drinking every day I usually had an hour or two each day to interact with him when he was semi-sober. These days I feel so alone. I have to keep reminding myself that living alone is better than living with a drunk.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
It takes a while, but you do get your life back. I'm 6 months out myself, and finally feeling like I am ready to have some new adventures! I've begun doing things I had quit when I got married (volunteering, school, friends, etc) and its so nice to feel like I've not only survived, but am thriving away from the drama of alcoholism.
Be good to yourself right now. This too shall pass.
Be good to yourself right now. This too shall pass.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: SAN FRANCISCO
Posts: 1,176
Hi,
I live alone too but I do live in a dense urban area which makes things a bit easier. Perhaps you could focus on finding free or cheap things to do with other people? Like is there a church or meditation group you could go to? Or volunteer work? Or maybe Meetup.com if they have it in your area...
I agree the loneliness is a drag at times but this weekend I was thinking about how enjoyable my peace and quiet is. And nobody around to criticize, put me down, verbally abuse me or complain about everything I do. I don't have a lot of money either but I try to entertain myself, I'm getting back into watercolor painting and reading books. Neither of which I had much time for in the last few years because I was always entertaining him or being made to hang around with his drunky friends.
In time I think you will adjust to your new life and things will get better. That sucks about the money situation though. Perhaps you could look for a better job? That's also on my list of things to do...
I live alone too but I do live in a dense urban area which makes things a bit easier. Perhaps you could focus on finding free or cheap things to do with other people? Like is there a church or meditation group you could go to? Or volunteer work? Or maybe Meetup.com if they have it in your area...
I agree the loneliness is a drag at times but this weekend I was thinking about how enjoyable my peace and quiet is. And nobody around to criticize, put me down, verbally abuse me or complain about everything I do. I don't have a lot of money either but I try to entertain myself, I'm getting back into watercolor painting and reading books. Neither of which I had much time for in the last few years because I was always entertaining him or being made to hang around with his drunky friends.
In time I think you will adjust to your new life and things will get better. That sucks about the money situation though. Perhaps you could look for a better job? That's also on my list of things to do...
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: California
Posts: 13
I was feeling the same way. My AH will be moving out soon and I was feeling trapped upstairs. I've started deep cleaning everything, going to meetings, visiting my mom, taking walks, and just trying to do things that don't cost to keep me busy.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Great idea Ziggy - I signed up with a women's hiking group through meetup.com in my area. Looking forward to some winter hiking. Hoping I am with a group I can outrun if we meet up with wild animals. Just kidding! Well...half kidding! ; )
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Canada
Posts: 230
I am around two months out myself. The fog is starting to lift and I am realizing that life without him isn't so bad. Yes, I miss him, but not the A that he had become, I miss someone who doesn't exist any longer. Also, I do have three rambunctious children to keep me on my toes!
There are lots of things that are FREE, even in a small town, so take advantage. Libraries are great, parks, our community center has free swim once a month, and I've found on facebook there are several free special interest groups in the area (knitting and running....neither of which are my thing, but it's nice to know they are out there!).
As anxious as I am for his visitation (when he comes around), I find that I haven't had "free time" with no children in years. I hardly know what to do with myself! I clean, bake, run errands, paint, and when I pick up the kids I am happy to have them back safe and sound, but I have a little list of what I may do on my next free day!
It's taking a little while for me to get back a lot of social interaction, but it will come with time. Besides, most of my friends are at a different stage of their lives right now. Newly married, pregnant, babies. Where as I am getting divorced. They love me, but I can't be glomming on to them all of the time either.
Smile, it's a beautiful day!
There are lots of things that are FREE, even in a small town, so take advantage. Libraries are great, parks, our community center has free swim once a month, and I've found on facebook there are several free special interest groups in the area (knitting and running....neither of which are my thing, but it's nice to know they are out there!).
As anxious as I am for his visitation (when he comes around), I find that I haven't had "free time" with no children in years. I hardly know what to do with myself! I clean, bake, run errands, paint, and when I pick up the kids I am happy to have them back safe and sound, but I have a little list of what I may do on my next free day!
It's taking a little while for me to get back a lot of social interaction, but it will come with time. Besides, most of my friends are at a different stage of their lives right now. Newly married, pregnant, babies. Where as I am getting divorced. They love me, but I can't be glomming on to them all of the time either.
Smile, it's a beautiful day!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: state of confusion
Posts: 67
yep, me too
I am at almost 2 months nc as well, live alone and have very little financial wiggle room . My voice mail is constantly full of begging messages from xabf of his undying love and just plain blatant manipulation to get me on his roller coaster ride to hell again. He is obsessed with me. I am his madonna/***** fixation I suppose. Who knows? Between his drinking and underlying mental status. I erase and ignore but cant block him from vm and need to keep this # for now. The one or 2 I have bothered to listen to say nothing of his own recovery. I am assuming nothing has changed there and know never will. I have my friend go through my vm now so i dont have to hear a word of it anymore. I really need to just bite the bullet, get a new number and deal with the fall out.
I work 3rd shift in a physically and mentally challenging job I cannot afford to lose. Recently due to lovely middle age hormonal changes I am newly dealing with anxiety and insomnia. Sleeping during the day was never easy but it has been a nightmare during this detachment period with my A. I have been feeling stronger every day in spite of these circumstances, trying to take good care of my self and home, reading anything I can get my hands on and coming to SR. Still looking for an alanon group I like on days off.
I have addressed my insomnia and all other health issues with my docs. Unfortunately the meds to sleep only keep me asleep for 2-4 hours and make me feel like a zombie if I take more. Got the hormones regulated and alot better. Have some really anxious days and some where I feel remarkably well.
For the past 2 shifts I have been operating on minimal sleep and am really beginning to feel fried . We have been so busy at work I really thought today i would just drop from exhaustion. Nope. Im awake and whining to you good folks here. Why??? Well, I actually was sleeping like a baby until the door bell rang with a flower delivery guy holding a gorgeous bouquet. I was so groggy I took them, said thanks and went inside to read the card. Guess who???!!!! XABF
The message was" i love you completely" and some weirdness about him not being "a later day saint" . His exact words. i a have no idea what that means. I am a frigging train wreck now, feel like all the hard work of the past many weeks has been a waste. I know much of this is due to being tired etc but I am still realizing the ridiculous hold this alkie/narcissisist/ stalker has in my life. He still gets into my head!!!
I guess the point is (other than my obvious whining and venting) this is a difficult process. We all have our circumstances, issues, resposibilities and on top of that trying to learn to improve our own frailties/codependancy. Then, we have days like today where it seems hopeless.
You may seem alone but you are in good company here.
Thanks for listening,
Free
I work 3rd shift in a physically and mentally challenging job I cannot afford to lose. Recently due to lovely middle age hormonal changes I am newly dealing with anxiety and insomnia. Sleeping during the day was never easy but it has been a nightmare during this detachment period with my A. I have been feeling stronger every day in spite of these circumstances, trying to take good care of my self and home, reading anything I can get my hands on and coming to SR. Still looking for an alanon group I like on days off.
I have addressed my insomnia and all other health issues with my docs. Unfortunately the meds to sleep only keep me asleep for 2-4 hours and make me feel like a zombie if I take more. Got the hormones regulated and alot better. Have some really anxious days and some where I feel remarkably well.
For the past 2 shifts I have been operating on minimal sleep and am really beginning to feel fried . We have been so busy at work I really thought today i would just drop from exhaustion. Nope. Im awake and whining to you good folks here. Why??? Well, I actually was sleeping like a baby until the door bell rang with a flower delivery guy holding a gorgeous bouquet. I was so groggy I took them, said thanks and went inside to read the card. Guess who???!!!! XABF
The message was" i love you completely" and some weirdness about him not being "a later day saint" . His exact words. i a have no idea what that means. I am a frigging train wreck now, feel like all the hard work of the past many weeks has been a waste. I know much of this is due to being tired etc but I am still realizing the ridiculous hold this alkie/narcissisist/ stalker has in my life. He still gets into my head!!!
I guess the point is (other than my obvious whining and venting) this is a difficult process. We all have our circumstances, issues, resposibilities and on top of that trying to learn to improve our own frailties/codependancy. Then, we have days like today where it seems hopeless.
You may seem alone but you are in good company here.
Thanks for listening,
Free
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: SAN FRANCISCO
Posts: 1,176
Originally Posted by freeatlast1313 
The message was" i love you completely" and some weirdness about him not being "a later day saint" . His exact words. i a have no idea what that means. I am a frigging train wreck now, feel like all the hard work of the past many weeks has been a waste. I know much of this is due to being tired etc but I am still realizing the ridiculous hold this alkie/narcissisist/ stalker has in my life. He still gets into my head!!!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: state of confusion
Posts: 67
thanks Ziggy. I know this is just a bump in the process. I know it is just manipulation and he is awesome at it. He got me today got me angry, I have lost more sleep but I am numb to the sentiment.. It means nothing. He loves his vodka and being an unemployed abusive creep completely. He does not love me, I am just something else for him to destroy.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: SAN FRANCISCO
Posts: 1,176
Originally Posted by freeatlast1313
thanks Ziggy. I know this is just a bump in the process. I know it is just manipulation and he is awesome at it. He got me today got me angry, I have lost more sleep but I am numb to the sentiment.. It means nothing. He loves his vodka and being an unemployed abusive creep completely. He does not love me, I am just something else for him to destroy.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 225
Thanks for the encouragement and support. I live in a rural area between small villages. There are no alanon meetings, or library, parks, etc. I keep busy working in my garden, cleaning/maintaining things around the house, spending time with my dogs, reading, etc. But sometimes I miss being around people and can't afford to go into the village or to the city to events. Two friends came by to visit yesterday and that was a treat so I'm feeling better about the whole thing today.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: state of confusion
Posts: 67
Originally Posted by akalacha
Thanks for the encouragement and support. I live in a rural area between small villages. There are no alanon meetings, or library, parks, etc. I keep busy working in my garden, cleaning/maintaining things around the house, spending time with my dogs, reading, etc. But sometimes I miss being around people and can't afford to go into the village or to the city to events. Two friends came by to visit yesterday and that was a treat so I'm feeling better about the whole thing today.
I know what you mean about the lonliness and the need to stay busy. Glad things are a bit brighter for you today, thank God for friends and SR.
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