Just relapsed. Alcoholic and Bulimic
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: LOS ANGELES
Posts: 3
Just relapsed. Alcoholic and Bulimic
Hi,
In the last two years I've put together 7 months, 6 month, 4 months, etc. but lately I am really slipping. I got rid of my sponsor because he (I am a woman) borrowed $1500 and hasn't paid me back and I have a big resentment (at him and myself.) I need a new one, I know. And this time a woman, I know. I have been severely bulimic for about 15 years and went to treatment for that and alcoholism two years ago. I still can't stop.
I feel like I'm insane. I relapsed this time after 4 months and being in a successful relationship for the first time in years with a caring, loving person. I don't know if I panicked or what. I feel like I try to destroy myself to push away people who love me. The bulimia usually rears up before a relapse, I think the guilt and shame around it really threatens my sobriety but it is just so compulsive I can't seem to stop.
I went to a meeting today, very hungover, and am going to start all over again, but I am soooooo tired and frustrated and sad. I feel so alone - that sobriety is the loneliest most difficult path. I know I need to change my perspective.... I want to hide from everyone and everything and not feel any emotion, but I know that is impossible. I have had really beautiful sobriety and happiness, but I feel like I can't believe in myself anymore. I just keep doing the same thing over and over.
Any helpful thoughts or advice?
In the last two years I've put together 7 months, 6 month, 4 months, etc. but lately I am really slipping. I got rid of my sponsor because he (I am a woman) borrowed $1500 and hasn't paid me back and I have a big resentment (at him and myself.) I need a new one, I know. And this time a woman, I know. I have been severely bulimic for about 15 years and went to treatment for that and alcoholism two years ago. I still can't stop.
I feel like I'm insane. I relapsed this time after 4 months and being in a successful relationship for the first time in years with a caring, loving person. I don't know if I panicked or what. I feel like I try to destroy myself to push away people who love me. The bulimia usually rears up before a relapse, I think the guilt and shame around it really threatens my sobriety but it is just so compulsive I can't seem to stop.
I went to a meeting today, very hungover, and am going to start all over again, but I am soooooo tired and frustrated and sad. I feel so alone - that sobriety is the loneliest most difficult path. I know I need to change my perspective.... I want to hide from everyone and everything and not feel any emotion, but I know that is impossible. I have had really beautiful sobriety and happiness, but I feel like I can't believe in myself anymore. I just keep doing the same thing over and over.
Any helpful thoughts or advice?
You'll find lots of support here as well as our experiences. I find the support here very valuable. It's helped me stay sober for nearly three years now.
You will never be alone again as you now have many of us here with you & supporting you on your journey. You can do this 
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: California
Posts: 13,044
Welcome to SR! The nice thing is you can find someone on here 24/7. I always find inspiration and support when I read posts on here. Keep reading and posting, and also check out Anna's thread with book suggestions.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: LOS ANGELES
Posts: 3
I could afford to loose it. The problem was I felt used and taken advantage of. I think my anger (resentment) started making me angry at AA in general. I didn't want to talk to my sponsor about it because I was uncomfortable and didn't want to seem petty, as he had helped me so much. Anyway, that facet of my post is the least of my problems. I need help with the bulimia and staying sober and learning to love myself.
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