Digits101010

I've had it. I called 9-1-1 in a moment of frustration, quickly hung up and they called back... I told them I was trying to keep things under control but that he wasn't leaving me alone. They asked if I was sure I didn't want a car coming out here. I said I was sure.

He is currently making a show of getting his shirts together and hopefully he will leave. I have had it. He has now hit a new low and so have I. I am finished. More later...

Digits

Alice Wonder

hang in there digits my thoughts are with you. love-alice

sunflowergal29

Yep- be strong, digits! I'm routing for ya. Just remember- you'll be ok no matter what, as long as you take care of you. Also- 911 is there for a reason- don't be afraid to use it- a night in the drunk tank is HIS consequence, not yours. Take care!!!

Pony

****************{Digits}}}}}}}}}}

There for you babe`

Becareful and take care of you!

Justme57

Thinking of you Dig , take care , and keep safe

LUV and Hugx
Lee

Jeff_C

(((((((Dig))))))))) Whatever it is, you can do it, and do it well, as long as ya don't compound it with that "other" stuff. Hang in there, get up one more time than you're put down, and you're a winner. Lee said it The watchword is "safe".
Jeff

DefofLov

:throb hope everything is okay. *big sueeze hug*

~Def

Ann

Digits

Stay safe, and check in if you can to let us know you are.

Hugs
Ann

Gabe

Digits,
Big hugs and lots of light and love from me to you.
I'll second Ann on the checking in thing.
You know how we Codies worry.
Peace,
Gabe

JT

Digits, no matter what you WILL be ok! Whatever this is will become part of your story when you get it behind you. Stay safe and let us know how you are...

(((Hugs)))
JT

smoke gets in my eyes

(((( Digits! ))))

In memory of miracle

I feel ya!! Hang in there!!! I am pullin for ya!!!! Trish.

McKrazy

I will "throw one up" ("pray" in my own language)for you this morning at church and throughout the day! praying for peace, safety, comfort, and people to band together around you! hang in there! ((digits)) :throb

Digits101010

He still wouldn't leave me alone ultimately.

After the first few minutes of fear passed he came back in STAYED in my space...and friends, I do not know where the .... Yes, I do....the strength I had in not breaking down came from Spirit but....there I was. I was okay in it all. I have been drawing closer to Spirit over the past week - which had been not the greatest and I guess that was my pay off. Believe this or not...I did not rage, throw anything, cry, scream or anything. He called me "Mentally disturbed" a "8itch"..."crazy"....told me ALL the things "wrong" with me, defended himself in all areas I hadn't accused him in.....he started laughing like a maniac [I think he was breaking down] and trying to hug me and kiss me...trying to probably think this was a nightmare that I wasn't crying and upset. [Like I said...this strength I had was surprising even me...]

HE starts crying eventually and I'm watching him snap. He threatened suicide again and I told him if he threatened THAT again I was going to believe him and call 9-1-1 and get him the helps he must need. [Yes, and through this he's telling me he's concerned for my mental health.]

Last night, I have never felt so even-keeled. I had this deep deep undertanding that I was going to be okay. I told him it was over...we were over. He argued and said as long as I lived here we weren't over and I said, I WOULD live here until I found another place, he'd stay in the other bedroom and yes we ARE over.

There was a time I was scared of this. Scared to death of the *confrontation* ... But I was drunk and it helped for me to stay drunk and numbed up. I am not drunk and I am not numbed up. I believe Spirit gives me pain like Spirit gave us nerve endings physically. To help me make another decision. If I were to have gotten drunk last night it would have been the equivalent of putting a numbing agent on my feet so I could keep stepping on the nails...bleeding and infection but it doesn't hurt so I'll stay here and keep stepping on the nails! [Uh oh...I feel something let me add some more numbing agent!] :thumb

I have gratitude that I have support like you guys. It means so much to me. Before my prayers this morning I started thinking, "Oh no. They are going to think I am crazy too, for calling 9-1-1." I am so used to having my actions, thoughts and words judged that I still go right to that. After I prayed I gave it not another thought and came on here just looking forward to seeing you guys. This forum has changed my life. The ACoA forum has changed my life. The Alcoholics Anonymous forum has been with me longer sober than not. This is a valuable resource for me and I remember reading the Post Traumatic Stress Disorder post on SUICIDE and how it's when your coping ability has simply exceeded your resources. There was a time in early sobriety I'd go right to suicide as an option...because I am sober and would not consider drinking an option I'd go right to that. But I'd go there in mind.

I'd lie if I didn't say I'd considered ALL sorts of options last night. I didn't dwell on the unhealthy ones but suicide and drinking crossed my mind....in that order. I ended up calling 9-1-1 instead. Then I came on here and told you about it....affirming yet again, I still have another resource/option...then I glanced on my desk and saw The Language of Letting Go front and center and remembered another resource...I thought of my sponsor who saod I could always call her no matter when...another resource. Then I got reall basic and remembered my legs. I have legs and I am grateful that I do because if push had come to shove I could have walked down to my grand-sponsor's house and she has a one night - no questions asked policy where I could have slept.

All in all, last night was okay. I didn't have that thing in me that snapped. I think I am finally at that place that says, "No matter what I do he will not change. No matter how I change he will not change. No matter how much I clean up, cook, or bring in money he is going to not respect me and will hold himself up as a product of adoration. He likes that I am seemingly dependent upon him. He REALLY likes it when I am a *victim* and *needy* and *sick* and he's threatened. He doesn't want me well. He thinks he is fine as he is and maybe he is! But I am not fine with that period. He may have "found Jesus" after The Passion, but he lost him again must be because I never remember him this belittling toward me."

I have gotten to this. I am no longer okay with any of this at all. I am okay in my skin, NOT okay with his poor treatment of me. I have low enough expectations -as I was trained that way- so I KNOW I am not being unreasonable in how I expect someone to treat me. He can call me all the names he wants to, tell me I am demanding and expect to be treated like a princess [yes he said that last night and I didn't remind him that princesses don't clean their prince's pi$$ off the toilet seat and scrub their crusty $h1t from the bowl.] I did say that later and he said, "Any idiot can clean the bathroom." I did say, "Well I guess you weren't that idiot were you?"

Oh yeah...Princess Barbie - that's me. I bum rides to meetings, have gone without food or money due to his gambling, get sick and can't afford a doctor half the time, wash the clothes, dishes...keep the house clean AND in the middle of all this, bring in money for the household, trying to stay sober AND maintain a modicum of self-respect and dignity despite his incessant barrage of insults when I get sad in realizing this is the best my life has to offer? Call me Princess Barbie sure.

Do all sickies do that? We raise the bar of our standards of acceptable treatment one freaking inch and it is like we have committed mass murder on their soul? Yes, I KNOW this is different for him...I KNOW the rules are changing....But our gap is widening. I am getting better and healthier and he IS getting sicker and like a drowning man will, he's stepping on me in a panic, in the middle of this ocean trying to grasp for air at my expense...forcing me under. The problem with last night was the I had my own life raft. I would've let him on if he'd wanted on. I tried to even invite him on before it went crazy...But no...instead, he'd tried to pull me off. For maybe two hours he tried to pull me off and it didn't happen. My life raft said, "GOD" on it I think because I didn't budge you guys. I wasn't even holding on...I was just sitting there, watching this drowning man freak on out.

:titanic :sink

That's about where I am right now. He's not around right now....something about a Sunrise service with his Dad and son.....Hope that helps cause I know he doesn't like where he is. But I can't be concerned with him at this point. I am offering him up to God. Please pray for me you guys or send me some light that I find the strength necessary to get what I need to get, to give what I need to give, and to do what I need to do...whatever that may be. And if you believe in intercessory prayer...Could you pray for him/or send him some light. Me aside, he's in trouble.

I have to concern myself with me today, though, so I'm not going to concentrate on him so much anymore. I've laid the tools down for him...he's has insurance and could see a therapist...he has the resources and at this point doesn't want what they offer. Last night I was able to see that finally. Thank Spirit.

It was getting too heavy,
Love, Digits

margo

((((((((((Digits)))))))))) Your wisdom and strength is inspirational. Really. I know I'm not the only one who can relate very well to all you've said here, and I thank you for saying it because I have gained great benefit from reading it.

Digits, I'm sending prayers your way, and for your partner too.

DefofLov

:throb I am so happy for you. I know it hurtz that he is unwilling to take advantage of the resources he has but like you said, you can't change him. You are doing quite well for yourself. He is getting weaker but perhapz after seeing how strong you are he will finally cave in and see the error in his wayz. However, we cant focus on him. We can only focus on you. It is so wonderful to hear that you held on and that you are doing well for yourself.

*big squeeze hug*

~Def

Alice Wonder

I am sending you light digits. a whole bunch of light, as big as the sun! what compassion you have! I am really happy to see that you are taking care of yourself and loving yourself. the more you practice compassion with someone, (which isn't always kind) and the more they react- the more true healing is taking place. your intentions are from a place of love- remember that when he is reacting. you are a great inspiration today in your capacity for true love, courage, wisdom and compassion. i am truly so happy for you- Princess Digits

McKrazy

I sense strength, digits, and confidence. you'll need both in the coming days, I'm sure, cuz while I believe in Jesus, I definitely believe in Satan, too. And he comes to rob and destroy. I'm gonna pray for your protection and for your peace throughout the next few days. And I'll remind you to lean on safe people and don't feel like you have to do it all alone, or have the strenth all on your own! We care about you and relate on way too many levels to ever judge you! God knows you are doing what you need to do today! Take care! :bemine

Ann

Digits

You sound like you are in a good place with your recovery, and I am sending prayers for both of you.

This writing is from Melody Beattie's "Language of Letting Go" (Feb. 12th reading) and I thought I would post it again here as it helps all of us.

Letting Go Of Those Not In Recovery

We can go forward with our life and recoveries, even though someone we love is not yet recovering.

Picture a bridge. On one side of the bridge it is cold and dark. We stood there with others in the cold and darkness, doubled over in pain. Some of us developed an eating disorder to cope with the pain. Some drank; some used other drugs. Some of us lost control of our sexual behavior. Some of us obsessively focused on addicted people's pain to distract us from our own pain. Many of us did both: We developed an addictive behavior, and distracted ourselves by focusing on other addicted people. We did not know there was a bridge. We thought we were trapped on a cliff.

Then, some of us got lucky. Our eyes opened, by the grace of God, because it was time. We saw the bridge. People told us what was on the other side: Warmth, light and healing from our pain. We could barely glimpse, or imagine this, but we decided to start the trek accross the bridge anyway.

We tried to convince the people around us on the cliff that there was a bridge to a better place, but they wouldn't listen. They couldn't see it; they couldn't believe. They were not ready for the journey. We decided to go alone, because we believed, and because people on the other side were cheering us onward. The closer we got to the other side, the more we could see, and feel, that what we had been promised was real. There was light, warmth, healing and love. The other side was a better place.

But now, there is a bridge between us and those on the other side. Sometimes, we may be tempted to go back and drag them over with us, but it cannot be done. No one can be dragged or forced accross this bridge. Each person must go at his or her own choice, when the time is right. Some will come; some will stay on the other side. The choice is not ours.
We can love them. We can wave to them. We can holler back and forth. We can cheer them on, as others have cheered and encouraged us. But we cannot make them come over with us.
I
f our time has come to cross the bridge, or if we have already crossed and are standing in the light and warmth, we do not have to feel guilty. It is where we are meant to be. We do not have to go back to the dark cliff because another's time has not yet come.

The best thing we can do is stay in the light, because it reassures others that there is a better place. And if others ever do decide to cross the bridge, we will be there to cheer them on."

~Melody Beattie~

Thank you for sharing this with us, Digits, and for all the inspiration you offer.

Hugs and Prayers
Ann

Gabe

Queen Digits (Not Princess Barbie),
I'm sorry that you had to go through all that. I'm glad you made it to the other side in one place.
Always remember that you have friends sending light and good thoughts your way.
Hugs from me to you.
Peace,
Gabe