sixfive12

I'm beside myself. Five months sober, and the good news is I don't want anything to do with alcohol. Nothing, no cravings, and the thought of going back there terrifies me. But I am not ok. Feeling everything is not something I knew was coming and it's not good. I've been suppressing my feelings my whole life, and now my armor is gone. I remembered that I started doing this at 15 after a really traumatic experience, I called it "squelching" and I got be really good at it, I could turn feelings off like a light switch: click, gone. But they weren't, and 25 years later it is all coming up and it is absolutely overwhelming. I am sad, and ANGRY. I am so angry! I am a walking ball of hurt and rage and I don't know what to do with it. And it turns out I really don't like people now that I'm sober, at all. I don't want to be around anyone and have completely isolated myself. I'm mad at every person who has ever "done me wrong," I'm mad at everyone really, and I'm mad at me, I think. Just twisted into this tight knot. How do I get through this? Work it out? I really can't afford therapy right now although God knows I need it. I'm not going to groups, I don't like them and get paralyzing stage fright anyway so I don't say anything. I'm pretty much just not-drinking. What do I do to just be able to function and deal with this sewer of my emotions backing up into my life?? I hate it. Why can't there be any GOOD feelings??
Anyway. Thanks for listening. I know I'm whining. I have to go to work in a bit and interface with the public and be friendly and bubbly and I am not going to be able to hold it together. I predict absolute sobbing meltdown. It's a bad, fragile day. They all are.

sixfive12

I posted this in the wrong place, it's not very supportive, sorry.

missingtheoldme

sixfive...you are in the right place...I completely understand...I am only 33 days sober and feel the exact same way you do. I can't offer any answers because I dont have any but I can offer my understanding. You are not alone. It is paralyzing and so lonely inside and I hope it gets better for you. Maybe you can check with your doctor to perhaps find some non profit type places to get some help. hugs to you