Yogagurl

If you have ever loved an addict, especially if you have lived with one, then you will be able to identify with what I am posting here. There is so much hurt and anxiety that comes from being in a co-dependent relationship. You wake up and you are worried that he/she is going to use that day. You look through their phone to pick up on the numbers and the patterns that accompany their addiction. You hide your wallet, your credit cards, check books, and everything that you own of value just to give you piece of mind. While all this is happening, never EVER would you think of leaving. This person needs you, this person is alone, is struggling, it’s not his/her fault that he/she acts like this. He/she has written off all of their friends because of the addiction and you are ALL that he/she has left. You just CAN’T walk away and “abandon” that person when they need you the most, RIGHT???

Then, one day, after many battles, arguments, chases, counseling, anti-depressants, and lectures, you wake up and you stop talking about the addiction all together. You stop telling the addict that you know they are lying and there is this unspoken understanding. “I know what you are doing and I know where you are going,” you think to yourself, as they walk out the door. “And I’m not going to try to stop you anymore.” You learn to do things on your own because the feeling of solitude has become so familiar. You go on about your day, knowing that tomorrow will be the same and this is reality as you know it for the addict, and will be until THE ADDICT choses to change that. So, you stop pestering, crying, begging, calling, and you learn to let go. And you have peace. You are finally in control of yourself again. I never thought that it would happen to me, but it finally has. If you believe that you will never again have peace, you just haven’t hit your OWN emotional and physical bottom. Know that it exists for everyone, whether the threshold is narrow or wide.

outtolunch

No shortage of " my addict has done me wrong" threads. We are all capable of being deceived, once. After that, we all have a role in what follows.

Looking back, I denied and lied to myself more than my heroin addicted daughter ever did. And at the time, I rationalized every bit of it.

Vale

outtolunch has it right.

I never believed a single word.Not from day 1.The addict I knew
never did ANYTHING to me.I did it all to myself.The day I realized
that was the day I was able to break free and go N/C.

90210

the worst part of that all is that there also comes a day when you realize you chose that all for yourself. thats where I'm at. i hit my bottom after he broke up with me after i had him arrested for trying to commit suicide, about three months into our break up. although he still wants me back, but to what break up with me again? i feel like the worst part of hitting bottom is taking full responsibility for allowing someone to inflict that pain on me. i am a firm believe in he chose addiction, i chose to accept it and i chose the consequences that followed.

hello-kitty

I agree. But you know what? It's very freeing too. Once I took responsibility, I was able to let go and move forward. Just because I let it happen, doesn't mean I had to let it continue happening. It's a journey. I needed to make all those mistakes so that I could learn from them and become the person I am today.

I'm still learning everyday. But I think I have a sound set of personal boundaries and moral convictions that I use to guide my decisions now. Even if I don't know what's right, I still to those convictions like a road map. ANd you know what? It's working for me. I seem to be able weather the bad days and enjoy the good days -knowing life is a constant state of transformation and change.

FindingErica

I agree self responsibility is good. But I disagree that I chose this for myself. I married someone who was drug free, who i married, started a family with and who claimed to want to grow old together and said he would never be unfaithful. He made huge fork in the road choices over a decade and a half and three kids into the marriage. Its one thing for someone to choose to date a person they know is actively using, or to even marry someone with an active addiction they are aware of. Part of my recovery is to no longer take responsibility for the things that are not in my sphere of responsibility.

LoveMeNow

When I realized he was abusing RX pills, I didn't do anything about it. I ignored it, denied it, excused it...... My denial ran deep.

When I realized he was an addict, at first I felt victimized, then I became a willing player in the world of addiction. I have accepted that I played a role, made poor decisions, and had no real boundaries.

I went into panic mode and did everything I could to "fix" him. I had no idea what I was up against.

Schab33

I know what you mean ...I said in another post I am not sure actually if there ever is a defining moment I think its a matter of one day you look in the mirror and don't recognize yourself because you are so caught up in the madness of an addiction that isn't yours....I felt as helpless as he did ..I watched as the drugs first robbed his soul then his life ... I continue to heal because while we hear so much about addiction being co-dependant for some of us can be just as life changing
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