I have a year sober and I want to get ******* high
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: South Boston
Posts: 547
I feel you.
I'm only 35 days in and I feel the same way.
But high, drunk, addiction is addiction and it's the addicted part of us that's saying that.
I don't know what else to say because this is exactly what I am struggling with.
I just tell myself I don't want to trade one addiction for another. Especially drug addiction.
Besides a cure for boredom isn't worth ruining your life over and that's exactly what drugs do to a lot of people.
And I'd assume as alcoholics we'd get addicted pretty darn quick.
And drugs just is a fake sense of happiness that probably creates a lot more problems then good feelings. I keep telling myself it isn't worth that.
Maybe you should tell your sponsor how you're feeling too? Be accountable to someone as they always say in AA.
It's the addict part of us trying to convince us we need to use drugs to feel good. There are other ways to feel good. Plenty of people feel great every day without using or drinking. No reason you and I can't be one of those people.
Besides drugs and alcohol really only make you feel bad, worse then anything else in the end.
Welcome to SR, keep posting. It's a great resource for help with a lot of really wonderful compassionate people.
And congratulations on your 1 year sober. You're an inspiration to me! I'm in school too and I know how stressful it can get and how much it can make you want to find some form of stress relief where you shouldn't.
PS- To the OP and person below me, I am really glad to know I'm not the only one who feels this way. And it's at least semi-normal. I think we just gotta keep telling ourselves we quit drinking for a reason...and drugs will just lead to that same place...and would probably lead to a drinking relapse too.
I'm only 35 days in and I feel the same way.
But high, drunk, addiction is addiction and it's the addicted part of us that's saying that.
I don't know what else to say because this is exactly what I am struggling with.
I just tell myself I don't want to trade one addiction for another. Especially drug addiction.
Besides a cure for boredom isn't worth ruining your life over and that's exactly what drugs do to a lot of people.
And I'd assume as alcoholics we'd get addicted pretty darn quick.
And drugs just is a fake sense of happiness that probably creates a lot more problems then good feelings. I keep telling myself it isn't worth that.
Maybe you should tell your sponsor how you're feeling too? Be accountable to someone as they always say in AA.
It's the addict part of us trying to convince us we need to use drugs to feel good. There are other ways to feel good. Plenty of people feel great every day without using or drinking. No reason you and I can't be one of those people.
Besides drugs and alcohol really only make you feel bad, worse then anything else in the end.
Welcome to SR, keep posting. It's a great resource for help with a lot of really wonderful compassionate people.
And congratulations on your 1 year sober. You're an inspiration to me! I'm in school too and I know how stressful it can get and how much it can make you want to find some form of stress relief where you shouldn't.
PS- To the OP and person below me, I am really glad to know I'm not the only one who feels this way. And it's at least semi-normal. I think we just gotta keep telling ourselves we quit drinking for a reason...and drugs will just lead to that same place...and would probably lead to a drinking relapse too.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Virginia
Posts: 7
I'm 6 weeks and 2 days sober and I keep thinking about when I can resume my "recreational activities" again. And then I have to stop and remind myself that sobriety HAS to be my life now. Its ******* hard. I'm bored to tears and I'm depressed as hell. But I'm gonna keep truckin' because in the past, every time I think I can handle myself, I end up in a world of **** again. Good luck to you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 2
I just feel like I shouldn't hate being sober so much considering the amount of time I should have. I tried to get medication for depression and my school's student health center basically told me I was too ****** up in the head to safely be medicated.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: South Boston
Posts: 547
School health centers are often not equipped to deal with serious emotional problems. I would suggest asking them to refer you to someone off campus.
It kind of sucks because it means you have to pay for it, but it means you're getting the help you need.
My school didn't put it quite like that but they did say they couldn't help me with the resources they had and referred me to what's called a dual diagnoses program. It's to help people with co-occurring disorders, normally substance abuse (include alcohol) and depression or another mental disorder.
I was supposed to stat last week but I got sick with Mono and ended up in the hospital. The program seemed really great. And they set you up with a treatment team to decide what your needs are.
I mean what the health center is telling you isn't inaccurate. Anti-depressants alone aren't enough. You need to go to therapy and start to deal with the problems you're having.
There is really no shame in it! I would highly suggest you look into some dual diagnoses programs and talk to a therapist at school about getting you set up with someone there. It helps if you have a therapist call because they can give you a referral, it's harder to get in on your own.
Just go and explain how you're feeling. Depression can be helped/cured but you gotta work at it just like you work at being sober. You can get the help you need if you ask for it, sometimes it means swallowing your pride but for me it's been worth it.
It kind of sucks because it means you have to pay for it, but it means you're getting the help you need.
My school didn't put it quite like that but they did say they couldn't help me with the resources they had and referred me to what's called a dual diagnoses program. It's to help people with co-occurring disorders, normally substance abuse (include alcohol) and depression or another mental disorder.
I was supposed to stat last week but I got sick with Mono and ended up in the hospital. The program seemed really great. And they set you up with a treatment team to decide what your needs are.
I mean what the health center is telling you isn't inaccurate. Anti-depressants alone aren't enough. You need to go to therapy and start to deal with the problems you're having.
There is really no shame in it! I would highly suggest you look into some dual diagnoses programs and talk to a therapist at school about getting you set up with someone there. It helps if you have a therapist call because they can give you a referral, it's harder to get in on your own.
Just go and explain how you're feeling. Depression can be helped/cured but you gotta work at it just like you work at being sober. You can get the help you need if you ask for it, sometimes it means swallowing your pride but for me it's been worth it.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Uk
Posts: 764
Congrats for being sober to all of you who are whether a year of 35 days. You are an inspiration to others by being so even tho
Its hards as you are showing others it can be done.
If you are strugglong are you going to meetings n maybe have someone to talking to when you feel like using / drinking.
You came on here n ventex instead of doing so so be proud of yourself n go from there
Its hards as you are showing others it can be done.
If you are strugglong are you going to meetings n maybe have someone to talking to when you feel like using / drinking.
You came on here n ventex instead of doing so so be proud of yourself n go from there
Recoveringed
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Thump
Posts: 409
Personally, I believe that the idea that clean/sober time will get us free from addiction is a popular misconception that vastly underestimates that nature of the condition. Just not using drugs does not treat drug addiction. Collective experience tells me that for the real addict over a course of time, if we do not accept and maintain sufficient treatment, the addict mind returns and will send us right back to using. Though one might raise some defense for a period, will power and self-knowledge eventually give way before some trivial and insanely insufficient reason for picking up again.
What makes this additionally serious is that we are the very same people who have permanently lost the ability to control our using. We can't stay away from it, and when we do if we're not adequately taking care of our spiritual condition, we're usually not too happy about being clean either. Yet if we use again, then we find once again that we lose control. We discover that our condition has actually progressed. What I see unequivocally is that for the real addict, if we don't do what we need to do to keep the addiction arrested when we are not using, an addict of my variety is doomed. We wind up facing the bitter ends through jails, institutions, demoralization and death.
This can be hard for those of us who had never before been able to understand people who said they had a problem that had them hopelessly defeated. Yet what untreated or even under-treated addiction tends to look like is restlessness, irritability, discontentment, depression, self-pity, fear, self-delusion, you name it. It can easily come out sideways in any number of destructive behaviors. In fact, it can start to look very much like other mental illnesses. Unfortunately, I haven't found many doctors that genuinely understand addiction or its treatment. They usually try to treat drug addiction with more drugs. For years, seeking the help of various doctors, we attempted to address the symptoms without ever hitting the root, and the result was that, although I may have appeared better for a time, ultimately I kept getting sicker.
If you're an addict like me, this is just not something that is ever going to get appropriately addressed by taking up knitting, watercolor painting, going back to school or starting tennis lessons down at the country club. If only this were true, perhaps we wouldn't have any addict grandmas, artists, students or athletes, no? Making model airplanes, kite flying and sewing moccasins will not cut it. Nor will wishing or trying to pretend addiction away.
If you are indeed an addict -- and in my experience, a non-addict wouldn't need to pine back after drugs and struggle with the mental obsession after a year clean -- then surely that's all very bad news.
Lucky for all of us, there is also good news. Actually, there is great news. For starters, you're still clean. By the pain that's directing you to reach out for help, you're also being given an opportunity to do something about your life before picking up again. It sounds like you've given yourself a significant amount of time to do things your way. Considering the results, would you now be willing to try staying clean another way?
If I were in your shoes, I would be taking hold of a willingness to go to any lengths to get well and start making meetings today, while beginning to look for a sponsor. But if you still think you have some other way that you really believe is going to work, I wish you much love and the best of luck on your journey. May you find all of the joyfulness, purpose, love and freedom you were born to experience.
What makes this additionally serious is that we are the very same people who have permanently lost the ability to control our using. We can't stay away from it, and when we do if we're not adequately taking care of our spiritual condition, we're usually not too happy about being clean either. Yet if we use again, then we find once again that we lose control. We discover that our condition has actually progressed. What I see unequivocally is that for the real addict, if we don't do what we need to do to keep the addiction arrested when we are not using, an addict of my variety is doomed. We wind up facing the bitter ends through jails, institutions, demoralization and death.
This can be hard for those of us who had never before been able to understand people who said they had a problem that had them hopelessly defeated. Yet what untreated or even under-treated addiction tends to look like is restlessness, irritability, discontentment, depression, self-pity, fear, self-delusion, you name it. It can easily come out sideways in any number of destructive behaviors. In fact, it can start to look very much like other mental illnesses. Unfortunately, I haven't found many doctors that genuinely understand addiction or its treatment. They usually try to treat drug addiction with more drugs. For years, seeking the help of various doctors, we attempted to address the symptoms without ever hitting the root, and the result was that, although I may have appeared better for a time, ultimately I kept getting sicker.
If you're an addict like me, this is just not something that is ever going to get appropriately addressed by taking up knitting, watercolor painting, going back to school or starting tennis lessons down at the country club. If only this were true, perhaps we wouldn't have any addict grandmas, artists, students or athletes, no? Making model airplanes, kite flying and sewing moccasins will not cut it. Nor will wishing or trying to pretend addiction away.
If you are indeed an addict -- and in my experience, a non-addict wouldn't need to pine back after drugs and struggle with the mental obsession after a year clean -- then surely that's all very bad news.
Lucky for all of us, there is also good news. Actually, there is great news. For starters, you're still clean. By the pain that's directing you to reach out for help, you're also being given an opportunity to do something about your life before picking up again. It sounds like you've given yourself a significant amount of time to do things your way. Considering the results, would you now be willing to try staying clean another way?
If I were in your shoes, I would be taking hold of a willingness to go to any lengths to get well and start making meetings today, while beginning to look for a sponsor. But if you still think you have some other way that you really believe is going to work, I wish you much love and the best of luck on your journey. May you find all of the joyfulness, purpose, love and freedom you were born to experience.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,473
Hi and welcome CapitalSigma
I'm sorry life seems like a struggle right now but I can guarantee getting wasted won't make it any better.
I agree with others here - if your campus health service can't help you with your depression then they should be able to refer you to other agencies who can.
There are a lot of free or low cost clinics around too - if there's one in your local area you might get some medical advice there?
Free/Low-Cost/Sliding-Scale Clinics
2-1-1 Call Center Search
D
I'm sorry life seems like a struggle right now but I can guarantee getting wasted won't make it any better.
I agree with others here - if your campus health service can't help you with your depression then they should be able to refer you to other agencies who can.
There are a lot of free or low cost clinics around too - if there's one in your local area you might get some medical advice there?
Free/Low-Cost/Sliding-Scale Clinics
The 10816 clinics in this database are free, low cost, low cost with a sliding scale based on income, or offer some type of financial assistance.
2-1-1 provides free and confidential information and referral. Call 2-1-1 for help with food, housing, employment, health care, counseling and more. Learn more about your local 2-1-1 by looking it up here.
Guest
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Iowa
Posts: 675
Knowhope, I agree with most of what you say but as with all of this stuff I feel there is yet another philosophy than groups and meetings. With all the excuses in the realm of man used up already I have to admit that I just LOVE to get high and when actively involved it becomes my life. I seemingly will do anything to salve the need.
I also agree that there is no real end to this other than I simply cannot use in ANY form and my life must be directed in a fashion in which I do not give in to the need - the addict inside.
Although I agree that knitting, and tennis lessons at the club do not "cure" one I believe that passion does. I have stated on this site many times the best advice I was ever given relative to sobriety. This was given me by a psychologist during face to face counseling. "you have to find something to be passionate about in life the way you are passionate about getting high."
Capitalsigma it sounds as if you are just dragging yourself through your life on a dry drunk. You are not using but you sure wish you were. There is nothing in your life that excites you or gives you feeling or direction for the drive inside you.
Yes, one can find passion and direction in going to meetings and having a sponsor to whom to be accountable. No doubt as this has worked for many.
In the end I feel that whatever it is you must find a focus that is not simply having a good time artificially. We have to find something that means something whatever it is.
After that no matter what direction we take it comes down to some manner of eternal vigilance. I can never use. I can never give in to the addict becuase he never goes away.
I also agree that there is no real end to this other than I simply cannot use in ANY form and my life must be directed in a fashion in which I do not give in to the need - the addict inside.
Although I agree that knitting, and tennis lessons at the club do not "cure" one I believe that passion does. I have stated on this site many times the best advice I was ever given relative to sobriety. This was given me by a psychologist during face to face counseling. "you have to find something to be passionate about in life the way you are passionate about getting high."
Capitalsigma it sounds as if you are just dragging yourself through your life on a dry drunk. You are not using but you sure wish you were. There is nothing in your life that excites you or gives you feeling or direction for the drive inside you.
Yes, one can find passion and direction in going to meetings and having a sponsor to whom to be accountable. No doubt as this has worked for many.
In the end I feel that whatever it is you must find a focus that is not simply having a good time artificially. We have to find something that means something whatever it is.
After that no matter what direction we take it comes down to some manner of eternal vigilance. I can never use. I can never give in to the addict becuase he never goes away.
Recoveringed
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Thump
Posts: 409
Liv1ce, I sincerely think you're a treasure.
Respectfully however, on the theory presented, I guess it would suggest that Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Jack Kerouac, Heath Ledger, Whitney Houston, Layne Staley, Amy Winehouse, Jim Morrison, Kurt Cobain, Anna Nicole Smith, Lenny Bruce, Jerry Garcia, Dylan Thomas, River Phoenix, Elvis Presley...weren't passionate enough?
And neither were any of these guys...?
List of drug-related deaths - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
The List of the Famous Who Have Died for Their Addictions
Is it possible that there really is much more to it for so many of us?
Of course, if you have a way that works for you, throw yourself into it. Best wishes and good luck
Respectfully however, on the theory presented, I guess it would suggest that Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Jack Kerouac, Heath Ledger, Whitney Houston, Layne Staley, Amy Winehouse, Jim Morrison, Kurt Cobain, Anna Nicole Smith, Lenny Bruce, Jerry Garcia, Dylan Thomas, River Phoenix, Elvis Presley...weren't passionate enough?
And neither were any of these guys...?
List of drug-related deaths - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
The List of the Famous Who Have Died for Their Addictions
Is it possible that there really is much more to it for so many of us?
Of course, if you have a way that works for you, throw yourself into it. Best wishes and good luck
Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: little rock, ar
Posts: 151
I will have 2 years clean the day after thanksgiving, and hell a week ago I was on my way to an AA meeting and i ran up on a dope house and i caught myself thinking.. man.. gone get yous ome lol. no one has to know. i had like 500 dollars in my pocket too i could have got down lol.
however, what you come to learn is that, me getting high today at 23 months clean is nothing more than a silly passing thought. i did a lot of silly **** in the past that i think about, that i don't have to do today. egging people's houses, stealing from stores, just little random **** i did. every time it think about those things i don't have the urge to go out and do them beucase i knwo it's silly. that's where i am in my recovery. I have enough clean time and i have seen enough progress in my life where i don't want to give it up.
however, what you come to learn is that, me getting high today at 23 months clean is nothing more than a silly passing thought. i did a lot of silly **** in the past that i think about, that i don't have to do today. egging people's houses, stealing from stores, just little random **** i did. every time it think about those things i don't have the urge to go out and do them beucase i knwo it's silly. that's where i am in my recovery. I have enough clean time and i have seen enough progress in my life where i don't want to give it up.
Guest
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Iowa
Posts: 675
Knowhope, I don't ever recall any of the names listed as being involved in getting sober. They were passionate about life with drugs from everything I know. I was too and also could have died - you too I imagine.
I "grew up" in the life of music and drugs. There was nothing like the two mixed together. It was like smoking and drinking. The higher one became the greater the music sounded. Read the entries on "marijuana anyone?" and see the progression of simple pot and music eventually turning to paranoia, depression, suicide or death by other means.
That is not the passion of which I speak. I have had that passion. It was worthless.
For me now passion is my wife, my life, my heart and brain and hands turning a simple piece of wood into a work of art (my definition).
I have met some of the most incredible people at AA meetings and in rehab. It has led me to believe that many of us drunks and addicts are passionate people and when redirected to more constructive interests whatever it may be it is helpful.
In my most recent "recovery" I worried as many of us do that my life would be empty without drugs or some type of artificial stimulus. The return of the feeling and passion as the drugs finally wore off has really led to a state of happiness and a more positive orientation.
By the way, since we cannot see or hear each other the meaning of words such as "sincerely" may not be correctly conveyed as intended. I'm not sure if your comment makes me the Tim Tebow or the goofball or are they the same?
I "grew up" in the life of music and drugs. There was nothing like the two mixed together. It was like smoking and drinking. The higher one became the greater the music sounded. Read the entries on "marijuana anyone?" and see the progression of simple pot and music eventually turning to paranoia, depression, suicide or death by other means.
That is not the passion of which I speak. I have had that passion. It was worthless.
For me now passion is my wife, my life, my heart and brain and hands turning a simple piece of wood into a work of art (my definition).
I have met some of the most incredible people at AA meetings and in rehab. It has led me to believe that many of us drunks and addicts are passionate people and when redirected to more constructive interests whatever it may be it is helpful.
In my most recent "recovery" I worried as many of us do that my life would be empty without drugs or some type of artificial stimulus. The return of the feeling and passion as the drugs finally wore off has really led to a state of happiness and a more positive orientation.
By the way, since we cannot see or hear each other the meaning of words such as "sincerely" may not be correctly conveyed as intended. I'm not sure if your comment makes me the Tim Tebow or the goofball or are they the same?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 313
Interesting thoughts presented here on the dilemma of recovery for the true addict. I believe that some make it (like Jimmy Page and Eric Clapton) and some don't (like Hendrix, Staley, et al). The reasons are many but for me, acceptance of who I am and a sincere willingness to get better are what keeps me clean on bad days. It doesn't mean I'm guaranteed success. It just means I have a shot. I am all too aware of how precarious opiate recoveries can be so I'll take what I can get. Tomorrow is a mystery but today I feel just fine with myself right where I am. It took a lot of work to get here so I plan on staying as long as possible.
Recoveringed
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Thump
Posts: 409
Liv1ce, Sincerely just means sincerely, genuinely. And in terms of a passion for life, I do agree that this is a significant ingredient in recovery, or at least I wouldn't want to live without it for very long. Like an old man in the rooms once said, "Friend, if you want to stay clean/sober, you'd better get happy." It's an amazing journey, and attitude and willingness play an enormous part in what becomes possible. Maybe something has indeed been lost in internet translation? In any case, I sure do believe that while what happens in the mind is vital, the gifts really start to come in when the pedal hits the metal and the rubber meets the road. I intended to communicate that passion alone may not be enough, in the spirit of "faith without works is dead." In your earlier post you said that one can find passion and direction in going to meetings and having a sponsor to whom to be accountable, but the meat and potatoes of change for those that work a program comes through practicing and growing in a spiritual program of action. It's simply a formula designed to create such a dramatic change within us that we deeply Wake Up. As Jung once deemed it, it's spiritus contra spiritum. Perhaps that fits with what you intended as well? Amazing how it all comes together. Again, best wishes to you on your own journey.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Fenton Mi
Posts: 44
The last time I was high, drunk, hungover and the works...nothing possibly could make me feel better that particular day. Being sober is not what we are typically use to. What I find that helps me day to day is peace in your home. Being sober is like having peace in your life. I find the time to reflect on the horrors of addiction than the very few fun times you think you had. Fun times ended years ago. I now attempt to use my time to deal with pain that dwells within me. I call up a friend to discuss my life from my past and present. I sure do enjoy not worrying about who I screwed over while being on a binge.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Canada
Posts: 26
[QUOTE=FenwayFaithful;3651011]School health centers are often not equipped to deal with serious emotional problems. I would suggest asking them to refer you to someone off campus.
It kind of sucks because it means you have to pay for it, but it means you're getting the help you need.
I think it depends on the school because I see a truly awesome psychologist for free every week at my uni. Some schools ( especially smaller ones) aren't equipt to deal with addictions but you still might find a gem of a therapist. Usually a universities the psychologists are fresh out of their programme and thus have the most modern techniques.
To the OP I really hope you feel better
It kind of sucks because it means you have to pay for it, but it means you're getting the help you need.
I think it depends on the school because I see a truly awesome psychologist for free every week at my uni. Some schools ( especially smaller ones) aren't equipt to deal with addictions but you still might find a gem of a therapist. Usually a universities the psychologists are fresh out of their programme and thus have the most modern techniques.
To the OP I really hope you feel better
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Cape Cod, Massachusetts
Posts: 367
OP. I can guarantee that if you decide to say "F@ck it!" and go out and use, within a very short period of time you'd be willing to give anything to be back in the state of mind you were when you wrote those words.
Don't let any of these people run down what you're doing or not doing. I'm sure your mom, dad, and local police cheif are delighted that you're "bored" today. You ARE doing the right thing and you are right where you're supposed to be.
If getting clean and STAYING CLEAN were so easy, comfortable, and wonderful from the get go, nobody would be strung out. Truth is, it sucks out loud for a while. Sometimes a long while and it all depends on the individual and your perspective.
I'm on the bright 17 years and I feel that way some days, but I can tell you right now I've never got loaded by thinking about it, and I've never woke up in the morning saying "man, I wish I went out and got shattered last night"..... I certainly remember a few times saying "man I wish I hand't touched that stuff..."
Hang in there. You're doing perfect, it'll just take you a while to figure it out.
Don't let any of these people run down what you're doing or not doing. I'm sure your mom, dad, and local police cheif are delighted that you're "bored" today. You ARE doing the right thing and you are right where you're supposed to be.
If getting clean and STAYING CLEAN were so easy, comfortable, and wonderful from the get go, nobody would be strung out. Truth is, it sucks out loud for a while. Sometimes a long while and it all depends on the individual and your perspective.
I'm on the bright 17 years and I feel that way some days, but I can tell you right now I've never got loaded by thinking about it, and I've never woke up in the morning saying "man, I wish I went out and got shattered last night"..... I certainly remember a few times saying "man I wish I hand't touched that stuff..."
Hang in there. You're doing perfect, it'll just take you a while to figure it out.
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