Buffering

Hi, I was sober for 27 months and relapsed, I drank for over a year, then quit for 7 months. 2 weeks ago I went and bought a litre bottle of vodka and got so drunk that I caused mayhem in my home with my ex who lives with me and had my 20yr old son in tears and I ended up calling emergency police to take me to the psych ward! The police came but I had calmed down by then, forgetting I had even called them, they advised my ex to leave because of my mood. I slept it off and suffered with the shame and guilt of my actions. Promising it was a one off and would not happen again.
10 days later, I go to the shop and buy a litre of scotch whiskey, which I do not even like, figuring I will have a few and that will be ok, because I don't like the taste I won't drink it all. Of course I did, and again I caused mayhem, I smashed my entire living room up, emptied it of everything, plants, soil, pictures off the wall smashed, my feet bleeding from standing in it. My son and his gf witnessed it all, I can't even remember most of it or seeing them, I went for my ex with a knife so I was told, I fought with my sons grandmother because they called her to see if she could help. I woke up on the floor in the morning surrounded by broken glass blood soil.
This is all so out of character for me, I have never reacted to alcohol like this, I am mortified and the guilt is overwhelming. I can hardly bare to live with it. I haven't drank since and seriously do not want to and have no craving really. But this scared me. I have promised my son I won't and that keeps me motivated. I have looked up AA which is near to my house one a week. But I have had agorophobia for over 3 yrs and am finding it difficult to actual take the step and go. The only time I have been out of the house is 3 times in 37 months, and 2 of those times I bought alcohol.
Anyway I ended up here. Sorry for the long drawn out story.

ChangingforGood

Please don't apologize for long posts, when you need help post however long you need to.
My step father is a recovering alcoholic over his last 4 years of recovery we have had 2 times where he slipped. Both of the times was because either his doctor had switched or started a change of meds for him or because he was feeling great and took it upon himself to reduce his meds. So i guess what i am trying to ask is, have you changed any medications lately? If so please talk to your doctor about this.
I am sure more people will be by to post support

Dee74

Hi Buffering

For me alcoholism was truly a progressive disease...even when I wasn't drinking.

After a period of not drinking, it was normal for me to pick the madness up again - but not at the point I left it...but a point further on down hell's highway....

I suspect the same might be true for you?

I know you'll find a lot of help and support here...I know reaching out for help is hard too, but I know you'll be able to find a way forward

D

Buffering

Thanks for taking the time to reply, I appreciate it.

Chrisy

Welcome to S/R.

You are in the right place. Good luck.

bloss

Welcome to SR, it is a safe place to go when you feel the urge to drink. I have found that for me, it is the first drink I have to avoid. Because once I take the first drink no telling how much I will drink or what I will do. Take care of yourself.

Itchy

Welcome,
Read a lot, post a lot, and find your baby steps to make your big step happen. If I could, when I isolated for years, you can too. You weren't always agoraphobic, just like you weren't always an alcoholic. If we truly are determined, those can be overcome too.

Do!

Natom

Hello Buffering,

As far as my own experience goes I can say that my disease progressed. Even when I was clean if I wasn't working a recovery program around it then it tended to get worse. If you stop drinking or using but then don't do any work on yourself your disease keeps going. I don't know if you have ever been to an AA meeting before but if you haven't you might wanna check out my blog post on attending your first meeting.

Natom.

Threshold

honestly, from reading your post, if you are that much of a real danger to yourself and others you might want to think of inpatient detox and rehab in order for you and those around you to stay safe. It sounds as though you and your family are in real and immediate danger should you drink again.

In my eyes rehab is preferable to jail.

Buffering

Thanks all for taking the time and your advice. I am getting a lot of encouragement by reading through things here. It is day 5 for me now and have no cravings or plans to drink anything. I do appreciate the welcome and value what each of you have to say.

heath480

Hi buffering.Welcome to SR.

Sorry to hear you are struggling.

You can call your local AA helpline and they can put you in contact with a lady in your area.

You have no need to go into a meeting alone,there will always be someone to go with you or meet you outside.

THe number for Liverpool is 0151 709 2900, line manned 08.00 until midnight daily.

Please let me know if that is not your area.I have numbers for the whole of the UK and what times the lines are manned.

Wishing you well.

Buffering

Thank you so much for the number, will think about giving them a call today.

Anna

I'm glad you're doing well. I agree that alcholism is a progressive disease and that it will continue to get worse unless you stop drinking. It sounds like you're motivated to begin recovery, so keep reading and posting.

escapist

It is definately progressive in my case. This last time out (4 years drinking) I really did some damage. I am 51. I drank more than I did before and I am paying a high price.

MIRecovery

It only gets worse and I have 35 years of drinking to prove it

Jen31

Hi, Buffering! I'm so glad you have found SR. I am on day two and feel amazing. Truly amazing!
I too, had the problem of where I would stop drinking for a while and then the next time I drank, It was like my body was making up for lost time. I would act like a fool.
I would like to offer some advice... READ. Read SR site or pick up a book. There are so many books out there written by people who were just like you and I. They are real eye openers. The best part is, they make the time fly by. I like to drink hot chocolate, green tea and coffee too. That seems to help.
Congratulations on conquering five days!!!

aussieblue

Hi Buffering, welcome to SR and like the others have said it does get progressivly worse. Glad you found us.

Hevyn

Welcome Buffering. That is a truly horrifying story. I did out-of-character things when I drank, too - like driving - putting others in danger as well as myself. I can't believe I was ever that much of a fool.

I was once sober for 3 yrs. When I started up again it was so much worse. I turned my life into chaos and made a huge mess to dig myself out of. I guess I needed to be convinced that if I touched it - terrible and dangerous things would happen. I think I've finally got it now.

I'm glad you had the sense to reach out & seek help - you can do this. Please let us know how it's going.

ru12

Hi Buffering. It sure sounds like you should just stop drinking. I did and life is so much better. I don't care to speculate on the disease thing; I just dont drink so the point is moot.