TonyR1981

Hello...my name is Tony and I'm here because I am a cocaine addict but now have wandered into Adderalland other pills. I started using cocaine at 21 and stopped at 27 doing the 12 steps. At 30 I relapsed and my patternof using is sober for a month then I fly out the door and plan my 2 day escapade. I always use alone and in very large quantities.

I keep doing this. I'm in my step work again after going to treatment and going to meetings. I'm doing the deal but my obsession stays. Heck I'm still awake for a day long Adderall binge.

I'm scared. I'm broken. I am hurting the people I love. I'll feel like I'm doing the work but still I go and do this. I am just hoping to get some feedback and see something from God here that I am not getting.

Any words and experience will be appreciated.

Marcus

Welcome Tony. Sorry to hear you are struggling. I understand where you are coming from. I went in circles for years. Went to a meeting every day and worked steps with a sponsor and would be good for a few months, but kept falling back into it. Have you ever tried one on ones with an addictions counselor? You can go to 5 meetings a day, but if you don't have a strong desire to quit you will keep getting the same results. I finally was able to truly accept I could never use again, but it took a hell of a lot of consequences before I was able to do that. Hopefully you don't have to get arrested or OD or lose everything before you get there. Just know you are not alone. I suggest reaching out for more help. I know you have been to treatment before, but maybe it is worth another shot. You just never know when you are going to run out of chances so it is time to pull out all of the stops and go for it. Take care!!!

Hevyn

Welcome Tony. I'm so glad you posted about your feelings. Many are going through the exact same thing.

Marcus gives some good advice, and I'm sure others will too. You're in danger every time you use - never knowing what the outcome will be. It sounds like you're getting nothing but misery out of this, and very little - if any - pleasure. You seem ready to break free from this garbage. I hope you'll stay here with us and keep posting. We care about you.

TonyR1981

Honestly if I get in my own head before I fly off its always "screw it". I'm learning through this addiction how selfish I am and how lazy. I don't want to lose anything but there was a time my head was held high...now I'm afraid to commit to anything lasting and good our of wanting to spare people.

TonyR1981

When I first used after getting clean I confessed it to my church leadership. I was removed from leadership and let a lot of teenagers and their parents down. Freedom for me is being able to commit to loving people with no fear of abandoning them like this.

So 90 days would be a miracle.

Dee74

Welcome Tony

I've seen a few miracles here - glad you've joined us

D

TonyR1981

I can't get cocky because that never works well for me. I'm going to do my best to work those steps and watch for those crazy thoughts. My addict brain doesn't register them as crazy all that fast.