weed,beer,cigs,tranqs.,and food
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2003
Posts: 390
weed,beer,cigs,tranqs.,and food
This pretty much sums me up.I just cant seem to do it sober.I go days without beer or weed and always end up feeling so in-control I go back.Been in a bad pattern for 10+ years now.Im fully functionable,pay the bills,work full-time,participate fairly in marriage and children,BUT,cant seem to live straight(which I enjoy while Im there).Those of you who know me from the "alcoholism" board know my circle.I sit here right now,drinking a beer,knowing I already lost today but kinda fantasize about a sober tomorrow.Man this is hard livin'.Happy,but,unhappy(u know what I mean).thanx for hearin' me
In Memory Of
Join Date: Jan 2004
Location: Connecticut.
Posts: 3,736
scared for you
I relapsed after six years of recovery and like you went in and out for the next ten years,it was a hellish time and I am grateful I survived to recover again.I was beaten to a pulp by this disease,it beats us all eventually.Is there a progression with this disease?You had better believe it...I lost my friend to this disease,she lost her life,that is the end...she kept playin with fire and you know sooner or later we all get burned.A shame?You bet..dont play with it cause it sure aint playin with you..my heart and my prayers go out to you today. Trish.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Posts: 8,709
Hi,
I read your post and all I can think to ask is how bad do you want to not use?
I know exactly what you mean though. I lived through a wicked cycle like you for about 30 years. Working, loving, paying bills, children, house, the whole nine yards. Well, when I wasn't looking, I lost the handle.
I needed a hard lesson in order to decide how bad I want to not use.
I hope you save yourself the trouble. Cheers!
DD
I read your post and all I can think to ask is how bad do you want to not use?
I know exactly what you mean though. I lived through a wicked cycle like you for about 30 years. Working, loving, paying bills, children, house, the whole nine yards. Well, when I wasn't looking, I lost the handle.
I needed a hard lesson in order to decide how bad I want to not use.
I hope you save yourself the trouble. Cheers!
DD
Sweet Sounds of Heaven
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: Point Blue, Louisiana
Posts: 1,144
Hello Homer
The 1st 10 years of my using I too paid my bills did all the things we humans are supose to do. But then came the day when I was not able to function, and came very close to losing everything even my life.
Homer you just have to want it more than anything in this world. It is all up to us, we have to make the CHOICE. Good luck to you on this journey.
The longer you stay clean & sober the smoother the road gets.
Homer you just have to want it more than anything in this world. It is all up to us, we have to make the CHOICE. Good luck to you on this journey.
The longer you stay clean & sober the smoother the road gets.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,611
Hi Homer,
It's great to see you back. I agree with the others, I'm afriad for the day when you don't have the control to work, pay the bills, etc. Anyways, I'm here for you, we all are, and I hope you keep posting!
Love, Anna
It's great to see you back. I agree with the others, I'm afriad for the day when you don't have the control to work, pay the bills, etc. Anyways, I'm here for you, we all are, and I hope you keep posting!
Love, Anna
Paused
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: wilmington n.c.
Posts: 2
Originally Posted by IMHomerSimpson
This pretty much sums me up.I just cant seem to do it sober.I go days without beer or weed and always end up feeling so in-control I go back.Been in a bad pattern for 10+ years now.Im fully functionable,pay the bills,work full-time,participate fairly in marriage and children,BUT,cant seem to live straight(which I enjoy while Im there).Those of you who know me from the "alcoholism" board know my circle.I sit here right now,drinking a beer,knowing I already lost today but kinda fantasize about a sober tomorrow.Man this is hard livin'.Happy,but,unhappy(u know what I mean).thanx for hearin' me
Member
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Arizona
Posts: 872
Good to see you back
I'm just back myself. Thought I could "control" drinking and pills, but couldn't... on day 5 sober today. I am much like you too -- house, family, job, functional, don't know if you have debt, but I have a ton (my life is unmanageable), and that really woke me up, especially b/c of how much I spent on beer alone!
I'm not going to give you advice, b/c I don't know sh!t. All I know is that I am not drinking today. I also know that if I pick up just one, that's the one that WILL get me drunk. If a guy gets killed on the RR tracks, it's not the caboose that kills him, it's the locomotive -- that's the first drink...
I have re-joined my family in AA and it feels like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Just what is working for me today.
Good luck, we're all in this together!
Ken
I'm not going to give you advice, b/c I don't know sh!t. All I know is that I am not drinking today. I also know that if I pick up just one, that's the one that WILL get me drunk. If a guy gets killed on the RR tracks, it's not the caboose that kills him, it's the locomotive -- that's the first drink...
I have re-joined my family in AA and it feels like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Just what is working for me today.
Good luck, we're all in this together!
Ken
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2003
Posts: 390
thanx,i poured my remaining beers down the sink a lil while after posting this message.I was drinking but not getting what I was after.Every beer seemed to have made me straighter(supposed to be opposite).Its been a few days without my weed today and that may have something to do with my irregular feelings today and yesterday while drinking beer(something just missing).I am officially ridin the wagon again,its a good thing even though I have failed so many times before.And as for debt,yes I do,everyday I charge 2 packs of cigs and 8 pints of budweiser on my mastercard.Well,Im going to just drink some cold water and watch tv tonite(hopefully without the "blues").Ive just been miserable and mean lately to everyone,even when in a "happy" mood.I may up my klonopin dosage for the next week to get me started(right or wrong? Ill find out).signed,I want peace
Member
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Arizona
Posts: 872
At least you made the drain happy!
Good move, that's a tough one once you've started, but great job!
Just a question -- have you considered AA? There are people from all different walks of life, beliefs, whatever -- we all have one thing in common -- we are drunks, and don't want to drink anymore. Period.
Whatever works for you, we're pulling for you!
Just a question -- have you considered AA? There are people from all different walks of life, beliefs, whatever -- we all have one thing in common -- we are drunks, and don't want to drink anymore. Period.
Whatever works for you, we're pulling for you!
NOT EVEN 1 CLUB!!
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: When I find myself, I'll let you know!
Posts: 1,835
Congratulations!
Great move Homer, pouring the beer out. Hang in there. This ride can be a rough one, but I believe it's totally worth it.
Good choice, and we're here for ya!
Missy
Good choice, and we're here for ya!
Missy
OH SH!T
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: RICHMOND,VIRGINIA-
Posts: 1,655
Stop While You Still Can
I ALSO WAS A FUNCTIONAL DRUNK/ADDICT,IT TURNED ON ME LIKE A RABID DOG! 
I LOST A MARRAGE,HOME,GREAT JOB,AND ALL MY SELF WORTH.THIS DISEASE IS NOT KIND!IT WILL KILL US IF WE DON'T CONFRONT IT. :uzi2: ALL THE BEST TO YOU MY FRIEND.A.A. BIG BOOK,LOTS OF GOOD INFO. INSIDE.HELPS ME DAILY! STAY STRONG STAY SOBER YOUR FAMILY NEEDS YOU!!!!!! ted 
I LOST A MARRAGE,HOME,GREAT JOB,AND ALL MY SELF WORTH.THIS DISEASE IS NOT KIND!IT WILL KILL US IF WE DON'T CONFRONT IT. :uzi2: ALL THE BEST TO YOU MY FRIEND.A.A. BIG BOOK,LOTS OF GOOD INFO. INSIDE.HELPS ME DAILY! STAY STRONG STAY SOBER YOUR FAMILY NEEDS YOU!!!!!! ted 
Member
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: Zion, Illinois
Posts: 3,411
Hi Homer,
Good to see you back Buddy.
The day I went to my first AA meeting as an "alcoholic" was the day I was faced with the fact that I just wasn't measuring up. I was sitting alone drinking and realized that I was so far from being the man, husband, father and just plain decent human being that I really wanted to be that unless I made a drastic change in my life, nothing was going to get any better. I had a good father; one that I wanted to be like. I was faced with the fact that any "male" can do what I was doing. But it was going to take a real trun-around for me to become a "man." Someone who is responsible, honest, reliable, gentle, and loving, as well as loveable. I was lonely as well as lonesome. I felt like I didn't have anyone even though I was married and had three children. All I was interested in was that next drink. I worked, had "things" and from all outward appearances, seemed to my friends to be doing well. It was inside me that was all messed up. I hurt bad enough to want to change. I've found this to be true with anyone who wants to get sober. "I had to hurt bad enough to want to change."
Hang in there Homer. I belive your time will come.
Good to see you back Buddy.
The day I went to my first AA meeting as an "alcoholic" was the day I was faced with the fact that I just wasn't measuring up. I was sitting alone drinking and realized that I was so far from being the man, husband, father and just plain decent human being that I really wanted to be that unless I made a drastic change in my life, nothing was going to get any better. I had a good father; one that I wanted to be like. I was faced with the fact that any "male" can do what I was doing. But it was going to take a real trun-around for me to become a "man." Someone who is responsible, honest, reliable, gentle, and loving, as well as loveable. I was lonely as well as lonesome. I felt like I didn't have anyone even though I was married and had three children. All I was interested in was that next drink. I worked, had "things" and from all outward appearances, seemed to my friends to be doing well. It was inside me that was all messed up. I hurt bad enough to want to change. I've found this to be true with anyone who wants to get sober. "I had to hurt bad enough to want to change."
Hang in there Homer. I belive your time will come.
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2003
Posts: 390
I goofed up a little today,had a beer with a friend and took 1 toke(only 1) of a joint with him.Music,Im probably not hurting enough right now and thats probably the root of "my" problem(even though I do hurt).I,do however,hurt bad enough to come here and be able to speak the truth which I dont see myself doing in front of a live "audience",like AA.Im not gonna post in circles,as Ive done before,so Ill just end it here and keep working from this minute on.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: a spiritual vortex, Colorado
Posts: 844
heh homer
consequences can be internal and/or external. Internal ones are tough. I functioned a long time on the material ok side of life. Looking back, i know i wasn't present for much of that time. Missed out on a lot- i've been living in recovery for a while now- and the material side of life is ok again- but the internal side is beyond compare!
I do believe i'll stay clean n sober one more day-
Mackat
consequences can be internal and/or external. Internal ones are tough. I functioned a long time on the material ok side of life. Looking back, i know i wasn't present for much of that time. Missed out on a lot- i've been living in recovery for a while now- and the material side of life is ok again- but the internal side is beyond compare!
I do believe i'll stay clean n sober one more day-
Mackat
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Citizen of the world
Posts: 74
Although the “dis-ease� is often referred to as “Cunning baffling, and powerful� it actually is no more, nor less than are we. If what we do is a more apt description of “who� we really are, and a determiner of what our emotional “payoff� is to be, then our “thinking� and judgments are really pretty superfluous. Sometimes the diseased mind IS stronger. Actually quite often if ya believe the numbers relevant to active addicts and alcoholics versus those in recovery. Of course if ya delete that “active� number by the numerical value of those that aren’t convinced, aren’t sure, are waffling, or simply know they DON�T have a problem, ----------------------------well it just makes my head throb.
I never was much good at living in ‘limbo�, and I sure don’t know much about so called “normal� drinkers or “social� users. By whatever category of definition you cared to use, when I was “out there� I WASN�T one of y’all, and there didn’t exist the power to change that particular brand of thought. Conversely, after I got here the “definition� continued to grow simpler and simpler, as does the solution, and the pleasures of living it.
Either we drink or use with impunity , or we don’t. If we don’t, then we’re obligated to DO something about it, or we’re not. If we’re not, then what the hell are we moaning about “ambivalent feelings� or lack of follow through, or the pursuit of life enhancing choices, or any of that other “smokescreen� stuff. Guess I look at it a little like being a “little bit pregnant� Either we is, or we ain’t.
If we “IS� everything short of recovery is “negotiation� and it’s a pretty safe bet who’ll win that one,----------every time, and recovery is always a project for tomorrow. Even relapse becomes habit, and an integral part of the “negotiation�, a convoluted sideshow that offers both promise, and release from that promise, cake and consumption too. Limbo perhaps, and undoubtedly an uncomfortable, and uncommitted place, that surely leads to identically the same conclusions that full blown addiction and the active pursuit of it does.
Jeff
I never was much good at living in ‘limbo�, and I sure don’t know much about so called “normal� drinkers or “social� users. By whatever category of definition you cared to use, when I was “out there� I WASN�T one of y’all, and there didn’t exist the power to change that particular brand of thought. Conversely, after I got here the “definition� continued to grow simpler and simpler, as does the solution, and the pleasures of living it.
Either we drink or use with impunity , or we don’t. If we don’t, then we’re obligated to DO something about it, or we’re not. If we’re not, then what the hell are we moaning about “ambivalent feelings� or lack of follow through, or the pursuit of life enhancing choices, or any of that other “smokescreen� stuff. Guess I look at it a little like being a “little bit pregnant� Either we is, or we ain’t.
If we “IS� everything short of recovery is “negotiation� and it’s a pretty safe bet who’ll win that one,----------every time, and recovery is always a project for tomorrow. Even relapse becomes habit, and an integral part of the “negotiation�, a convoluted sideshow that offers both promise, and release from that promise, cake and consumption too. Limbo perhaps, and undoubtedly an uncomfortable, and uncommitted place, that surely leads to identically the same conclusions that full blown addiction and the active pursuit of it does.
Jeff
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