I have been waiting for this.....
Getting there!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
I have been waiting for this.....
So I heard the infamous words tonight. I have been waiting for them..."I got clean and I think I deserve.....!!"
My husband is getting a motorcycle and thinks he deserves it because he is NOW clean (just for today anyway).
He has always wanted one but I have always stopped it in the past. My only reaction was - "just get some life insurance again because your policy has lapsed." But deep down I am steaming.
I can not believe the immaturity and entitlement of this man.
Well, I have always wanted a Rolex, so I think I will be shopping too. j/k Material things mean nothing to me anymore but I am blown away by his thinking process. He has always lived in the NOW even well before his addiction but seriously......grow up!!!
I keep telling myself "When I have had enough, I will know it" ....this could very well be enough for me!! Mr. NA on his Harley needs to go find himself a bachelor pad.
My husband is getting a motorcycle and thinks he deserves it because he is NOW clean (just for today anyway).
He has always wanted one but I have always stopped it in the past. My only reaction was - "just get some life insurance again because your policy has lapsed." But deep down I am steaming.
I can not believe the immaturity and entitlement of this man.
Well, I have always wanted a Rolex, so I think I will be shopping too. j/k Material things mean nothing to me anymore but I am blown away by his thinking process. He has always lived in the NOW even well before his addiction but seriously......grow up!!!
I keep telling myself "When I have had enough, I will know it" ....this could very well be enough for me!! Mr. NA on his Harley needs to go find himself a bachelor pad.
Getting there!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
I wouldn't mind if all our finances and retirement were stable but for the love of God, I just filed bankruptcy!!!
Yeah, let's rebuild our life - starting with a freaking Harley. Unbelievable!!
Yeah, let's rebuild our life - starting with a freaking Harley. Unbelievable!!
Getting there!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Originally Posted by bluebelle 
It sounds like he isn't thinking in the here and now.
It just better come with a condo on the back, because I promise it will not be sitting in the driveway or garage.
Getting there!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Originally Posted by tjp613
sounds like he's amusing himself with pushing your buttons.
He has pleaded with me to not divorce him, and to allow him to build up trust again and make amends for the damage he has caused....and then he wants a bike.
He is showing me who he is, I believe him!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
What are you getting out of this marriage at this point?
I was told years ago by a sponsor that I always have choices. Sometimes all the choices suck and I have to pick the best on, but I always have choices.
Maybe I've just been on my own for too long now, but I'd rather be alone than settle for insanity like that.
Been there, done that, and I do not want any more of those t-shirts.
Sending you hugs of support.
I was told years ago by a sponsor that I always have choices. Sometimes all the choices suck and I have to pick the best on, but I always have choices.
Maybe I've just been on my own for too long now, but I'd rather be alone than settle for insanity like that.
Been there, done that, and I do not want any more of those t-shirts.
Sending you hugs of support.
Getting there!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
I have heard this same motorcycle talk on and off over the years. I just used to laugh it off and say NO WAY!!
I am confused, is this addict-speak or just man speak. No offense to any man, most men I know, love their toys.
I am confused, is this addict-speak or just man speak. No offense to any man, most men I know, love their toys.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 5
Speaking as a wife of an addict & a biker let me say this about that...
-First of all, you are right. Bikes are toys & your finances need to be in order first.
-However my hubby has always been much much calmer with/on a bike than in a car. His road rage is pretty much nonexistent on 2 wheels.
{Disclaimer: He knows how to drive one. His father taught him years ago. It wasn't just a midlife crisis thing. Not sure if that's the deal here.}
-We do have some ground rules. He always wears his helmet & full shoes (at least sneakers). If the engine is running & the bike is moving, he at least has those on. He always keeps a bike that I can be comfy riding on with him. That way bike time & wife time can coincide.
-They do get much better mileage than a car.
-If you do get to the point where you get a bike, I would suggest a "metric", Honda, Kawasaki, something like that. They make big cruisers just like Harley does but they are alot more affordable in purchase price, repair costs, & upkeep. If he isn't going to use the bike for lets say a commuter vehicle (in other words riding every day) then a metric will stand up to this kind of use much better with considerably less time in the garage fiddling with it to get it to run right.
-There are also recovery ministries associated with many motorcycle ministries. In fact the biker friendly church we started going to was where my husband found the recovery ministry where he finally admitted he has a problem.
Not trying to "sell" you either way, just figured I'd give you the "other side of the coin".
Blessings either way dearie!
-First of all, you are right. Bikes are toys & your finances need to be in order first.
-However my hubby has always been much much calmer with/on a bike than in a car. His road rage is pretty much nonexistent on 2 wheels.
{Disclaimer: He knows how to drive one. His father taught him years ago. It wasn't just a midlife crisis thing. Not sure if that's the deal here.}
-We do have some ground rules. He always wears his helmet & full shoes (at least sneakers). If the engine is running & the bike is moving, he at least has those on. He always keeps a bike that I can be comfy riding on with him. That way bike time & wife time can coincide.
-They do get much better mileage than a car.
-If you do get to the point where you get a bike, I would suggest a "metric", Honda, Kawasaki, something like that. They make big cruisers just like Harley does but they are alot more affordable in purchase price, repair costs, & upkeep. If he isn't going to use the bike for lets say a commuter vehicle (in other words riding every day) then a metric will stand up to this kind of use much better with considerably less time in the garage fiddling with it to get it to run right.
-There are also recovery ministries associated with many motorcycle ministries. In fact the biker friendly church we started going to was where my husband found the recovery ministry where he finally admitted he has a problem.
Not trying to "sell" you either way, just figured I'd give you the "other side of the coin".
Blessings either way dearie!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 462
i wouldnt buy into all of these things LMN. my exH uses games and manipulation when he deals with me over our children and i just let it slide. i do ride a motorbike (only got it after i separated from him only to pay back a back stabbing bf stealing best friend..i got the better deal when i lost him and her and gained a bike and some amazing friends and lots of amazing experiences) but my exH hates it (even though he wanted to get one when got mine, but since i now ride he can't...apparently its a law here in oz...lol). he never told me that, but in his head he did. he cracked it when i picked up my daughter on it, and had a go at me and i calmly explained that when the kids were with me, i was responsible for them and their safety. so as payback he wanted to take them bungie jumping in bali (of all places). when he told me i, again calmly, told him that if he felt that was a safe thing for them to do then cool. (fully knowing they werent old enough). its just power games.
you know he cant afford it, and probably wont get it, so smile and tell him if he thinks that you are in a financial position to buy things that is only for fun (not like he is selling his car for something cheaper to run) then thats up to him. walk away and have give him nothing. let him own it all! its the hardest part it to just let the other person be completely responsible for their own thoughts, decision, and actions. you have filed for bankruptcy so you know damn well that the likelyhood of him getting a bike is zero. let him play his games on his own. it will get boring after awhile. and you will feel a lot stronger every time you do...(particularly when you start realising it is just a game to them).
you know he cant afford it, and probably wont get it, so smile and tell him if he thinks that you are in a financial position to buy things that is only for fun (not like he is selling his car for something cheaper to run) then thats up to him. walk away and have give him nothing. let him own it all! its the hardest part it to just let the other person be completely responsible for their own thoughts, decision, and actions. you have filed for bankruptcy so you know damn well that the likelyhood of him getting a bike is zero. let him play his games on his own. it will get boring after awhile. and you will feel a lot stronger every time you do...(particularly when you start realising it is just a game to them).
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Damn! All the mind games, lets see what her reaction is...Hmmm...not so good, ok, I'll move onto another self centered thought process...maybe she will fall for that one..No?
Damn, ok, lets regroup there must be some self centered BS she will fall for...I know, I know...a jet ski...yah that's it...a jet ski...I need one, I have been a good boy...for awhile now...right? I am entitled...don't you know? NO...I really don't!
All part of the game they play for their own amazement and amusement..sad, but true.
Damn, ok, lets regroup there must be some self centered BS she will fall for...I know, I know...a jet ski...yah that's it...a jet ski...I need one, I have been a good boy...for awhile now...right? I am entitled...don't you know? NO...I really don't!
All part of the game they play for their own amazement and amusement..sad, but true.
Getting there!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Oh, this is no game. He has always wanted one, now has the excuse he thinks he needs, and many of his new buddies have one. Also, he can afford one!! But by law, he needs to take a class first.
This is entitlement at it's finest. I am no longer mad, in fact I am rather calm. The pros and cons of a motorcycle is not the issue, but his thinking is!!
This is entitlement at it's finest. I am no longer mad, in fact I am rather calm. The pros and cons of a motorcycle is not the issue, but his thinking is!!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 2,282
He might get one and get it out of his system. I rode a bike my
entire time in the service.Went ALL OVER the place with it.
Then,in my mid-30s,got another to 'recapture' the thrill of
the power to weight ratio that no car can match.
Took it out on the back roads,really wound it up! I won't say
HOW fast--but well in excess of two digits! It was just as fun as it used
to be!!!
But I was 10 yrs older,with a young family who needed me---and
the REALITY of the odds,the REALITY of how easily that kinetic energy
could turn me into hamburger (or a vegetable) became.......REAL.
So I sold it.No regrets.
Alot of people are having an extremely hard time of it right now,in the
worst economic stretch since the great depression.It is disheartening to see
the advertisers still hard selling "the image".......buy this product and you
won't be "cubicle guy" anymore,you'll be a space shuttle left seater!
I know THEY have to make a living,too---and image sells,of course.
I know I sound old (at 52,I AM!)-----but a few counterbalancing public
service ads couldn't hurt......"You are not a kid,an astronaut,or God's gift to
women--now go home and take care of your family....this is your life,not a
video game.There IS no reset."
Kinda like what I'd say to the addict I cared about if N/C wasn't in full
force for my protection:
"You've surrendered your family,your home,as well as your future and dignity-
---and exchanged them for the NOTHING of addiction".
(f-ing LOUSY trade!)
entire time in the service.Went ALL OVER the place with it.
Then,in my mid-30s,got another to 'recapture' the thrill of
the power to weight ratio that no car can match.
Took it out on the back roads,really wound it up! I won't say
HOW fast--but well in excess of two digits! It was just as fun as it used
to be!!!
But I was 10 yrs older,with a young family who needed me---and
the REALITY of the odds,the REALITY of how easily that kinetic energy
could turn me into hamburger (or a vegetable) became.......REAL.
So I sold it.No regrets.
Alot of people are having an extremely hard time of it right now,in the
worst economic stretch since the great depression.It is disheartening to see
the advertisers still hard selling "the image".......buy this product and you
won't be "cubicle guy" anymore,you'll be a space shuttle left seater!
I know THEY have to make a living,too---and image sells,of course.
I know I sound old (at 52,I AM!)-----but a few counterbalancing public
service ads couldn't hurt......"You are not a kid,an astronaut,or God's gift to
women--now go home and take care of your family....this is your life,not a
video game.There IS no reset."
Kinda like what I'd say to the addict I cared about if N/C wasn't in full
force for my protection:
"You've surrendered your family,your home,as well as your future and dignity-
---and exchanged them for the NOTHING of addiction".
(f-ing LOUSY trade!)
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 598
He sounds immature to me. Immaturity does not afflict only addicts.
I would get really angry over the golf membership my husband was paying into yet we had credit card debt. One day I got so angry (I was paying bills and that membership fee always annoyed me to no end). I was working and it felt to me that my income was going towards that golf membership and I resented it. I tore up some bills in front of my husband and yelled "Since the golf membership is so important, why not just tear up these bills to make more room for it?" Then I stormed out of the house. What came to me at the time was to stop paying bills and let my husband pay them. I don't know why that made a difference, but it did. He started paying most of our bills and began to be much more responsible. I guess this was one time where getting really angry worked in my favor! Never helped in other areas, plus he isn't an addict in the first place which no doubt helps.
I would get really angry over the golf membership my husband was paying into yet we had credit card debt. One day I got so angry (I was paying bills and that membership fee always annoyed me to no end). I was working and it felt to me that my income was going towards that golf membership and I resented it. I tore up some bills in front of my husband and yelled "Since the golf membership is so important, why not just tear up these bills to make more room for it?" Then I stormed out of the house. What came to me at the time was to stop paying bills and let my husband pay them. I don't know why that made a difference, but it did. He started paying most of our bills and began to be much more responsible. I guess this was one time where getting really angry worked in my favor! Never helped in other areas, plus he isn't an addict in the first place which no doubt helps.
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