Deuce85

Hi all I will be sober from everything five months this week. I feel pretty good. Way better than I did two months ago. I struggle with certain things though. I am not part of any support group. i have a therapist and family support. The problem I have is at the rehab and my therapist tells me addiction is a disease and eventually it will catch back up to me if I dont do necessary things to stay sober. I have been feeling good this past month, but today and yesterday my anxiety flared up. When it flares up I think stuff like" you have this disease and you will go use so why are you waiting". I know this is BS, but it still scares me because I never want to go back to using pills again. Maybe a drink once in a while. Alot will say that is a bad idea, but I am trying to get away from the disease concept and live a healthy happy life just as i did years before I started using. Thanks everyone.

Impurrfect

((Ttal914)) - I can only share my experience. I abused alcohol then quit - no problem. I abused opiates, then quit - no problem (other than I lost my nursing career). I got addicted to crack - BIG problem.

Yes, I have a disease. I'm both an addict and a codependent, meaning I want to "fix" other people. Have been in recovery for both over 5-1/2 years.

At some point in my life, I crossed the line from doing things as a "normal" person to being an addict. I can't undo it, I can't go back. Once the line is crossed, that's it.

I know of many people who did pills/crack/heroin, etc. and alcohol "wasn't a problem". Thing is, when the alcohol kicked in, inhibitions were lowered and it suddenly seemed that doing a little bit of "whatever" was okay. End result, relapse.

We aren't "normal" people, we can't just do a drink or a pill or a line and go one. We do one, we want MORE.

It's okay, though. I've found that most people who care about me could care less if I'm joining in the party when it happens. I know I don't ever want to go back to where I was, so why risk it?

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

Deuce85

Thanks for your impurrfect. Its great you found a program that works for you. The steps were not for me. I quit taking opiates in Feb 2011. Not one slip since. I was on a maintenance drug up until May of this year. While on the maintenance drug i drank about four times in the 15 months with no problem. I have not drank since i have been off the maintenance drug. But i will probbably try to. Its just hard for me to say i have a disease when I dont have any physical proof.

Impurrfect

(Ttal914)) - Though I started my recovery in a 12-step program, my 5-1/2+ years in recovery have been my own program. I still used what I learned in AA (though a recovering crack addict) but also takes bits and pieces of what others have used for recovery.

I totally understand the "proof" thing. I've just gotten to the point where when I'm thinking "I need SOMETHING to make me feel better" it's a big red flag. It's not so much the substance, it's a me thing.

I wish you the best, just know that we're always here if you need us

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

Deuce85

Thanks. I will continue to post on here and let people know how it goes with my drinking experiment. Wont go into it much because i dont want to trigger relapses. I have a wedding I am standing in and thats where i will probably have a few beers. Over the last year when i drank those four times they were all at weddings so i try to limit it to special occasions.