cr995

I have been really sad and missing my STBXAH, but just came across this email I wrote to a friend FIVE years ago - reading it has made me remember things as there were not as I wished them to be...


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Dear Sharon
My husband is really, really insecure and well that has all kinds of implications for me, he had invited a family that he knew to our house a couple of weeks ago. He had met them while he was on holiday and stayed in the hotel that they run there and got to know them. Well anyway while he’s there of course the currency difference means that he is relatively more wealthy than he is here. He throws cash around gets really drunk and behaves like a ‘big’ man, if you know what I mean. (it is all a lot of smoke and daggers, because – well there is no real wealth to speak of). He is mostly subsidized by his mother who wishes I did not exist.
Anyway they arrived – and are nice enough people but I don’t really know them. A day or two before they arrived I was told there would be not two of them as expected but four of them. I ran around with my daughter making up beds and getting prepared bla bla . The next day he took them out sightseeing - I was not invited - so I stayed at home and made dinner.(Bit like the maid)

Anyway I went out to get something for dessert but I realized that I had forgotten my keys – on coming back I could overhear my husband telling them I’d most likely gone to get dessert for myself as I was so selfish I never shared anything with anybody!
They all found this hilarious.!!Good joke eh!

Yesterday my daughter came home from uni and I had already said to her that I really did not want to celebrate xmas mostly because my husband is an alcoholic and gets so drunk and abusive every year that I really dread the whole thing. And that maybe we could all just have a nice meal together and share presents. Well she had a tantrum - and stopped talking to me. In the middle of this my husband got blind drunk and extremely abusive.
That’s my xmas so far.!!
If I had somewhere else to go, I would go . If I could have afforded it I would have booked a holiday somewhere abroad for this period.

As usual my husbands mother sent 3 cards of money to the house - one addressed to my husband, one to my daughter and one to my son - I got as usual a cheap weird bracelet!

At times like this I feel very far away from God and could really do with his warmth and kindness!
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I do not have to live like this anymore - I hope I never ever go back to living like that. Now it's lonely, scary and boring but it can only get better because living like that was hell. Maybe it just takes time to be able to enjoy the peace and quiet. Hang in there anybody trying to let go of an XA.

Tuffgirl

Good for you for keeping reminders around. I am sure most of us have emails or letters or journal entries that sound a lot like yours above. It helps in our moments of weakness.

Thanks for sharing yours.
~T

itsmylifenow

Yes, our mind has a way of forgetting certain things.

I haven't seen my xabf in 2 months and I've started thinking what would I say if I saw him. Would I ask about how he's doing with his house or did he get a job or how's the new gf?

Or, should I remember that the reason I walked away was because he was a lying, cheating, Bast***d that no longer deserved my time, energy or my life.

I wouldn't want that as a friend, and I certainly don't want it in a bf.

But, how easy it is to feel like I could be civil to a man that brought me such hell for so long. Maybe it's not only because we forget, but because we've healed and have moved on. Maybe the healing is what makes us forget some...don't know!

I have journals written with all the bad things that happened between us. I used to go to them when I needed the same reassurance your letter gave you. I've debated about burning them, but am thinking I may want to use it somehow. Maybe start a blog or write a book. Until then, they remain reminders of why he's no longer around.

lillamy

I blogged almost daily for six months after leaving. A closed blog, not accessible to anyone but me. It's been a lifesaver many times when things have been tight financially and I've been beating myself up over how much worse off financially my kids are after the divorce than they were before.

It doesn't take reading a lot of those posts to realize that the kids would rather starve than move back in with him. And that of course goes for me, too.

ZiggyB

Fortunately I have journals too... so there's a written record of all the as*hat things he did and said to me.

Most of the time I feel fine. I have days where I am great but then I have other days where I just feel so sad. This is one of the sad days. Because I know our relationship was really great a lot of the time. Until he would start the drinking binges and get angry and depressed. And then everything I did was wrong and everything was my fault.

I think I just miss mine because the loneliness is kind of tough and starting over again on your own is definitely not easy.

rhondaseven

For me there was not enough great to remember. I am sure I will have days ahead where I will reflect and wonder but to live in such a hurricane of drama and abuse is nothing that will ever be overshadowed by a couple of fleeting moments of kindness that should have been there much more than they were.

TakingCharge999

I am for some reason missing XABF again, I guess because I still have very little self worth and feel some "attention", even if its the bad kind, is better than nothing.

Sometimes I miss myself, hopeful and easygoing. I hope I can move on to be a wise woman in peace with my past and with God.

fedup3

Thank you, I really needed to read this post today and remember how life with my XAH really was not remembering how I wish they were.

akalacha

I miss my XA because I REMEMBER! I remember all the good times we used to have, all the places we went and things we did. I remember how he was there for me when I needed help, or comfort. How he made me laugh. How affectionate he was. Of course those things were all before the alcohol took over. I have put away all the photos and reminders of those good times together. I haven't forgotten the nightmare of the last two years, it's still fresh in my head. And if I ever do forget I can just go back and read my journal, or my previous posts here. But I wish I could forget all the happiness ¨before¨.

rdlesstraveled

Emotional amnesia.

Living in the moment, forgetting/forgiving the past, being with someone in the moment.......in some ways this is an asset.....

but when dealing with any type of dysfunctional and/or sick person, not good for survival (physically/emotionally and/or mentally).

I try to forgive and forget because I am nice and forgive, but now I am seeing that not everyone should be given this courtesy. Not everyone deserves this courtesy.

Example: I have tried many times to wipe the slate clean (esp for my ex A bf) only to have the "same writing" (same bad behaviors from others) appear (over and over and over) now, I will only write in permanent marker.

lillamy

My counselor said something to me that's stuck with me (I live in a world of "sayings"! ):
For me, that meant that when my confidence was beaten to shreds along with my marriage, I had to find other areas of my life that would provide joy and confidence. I found I was really good at managing money. I found even when I was crying all night, I could kick some serious bee-hind at work. I found that I could allow myself to not be perfect and still love myself. I found that while I could no longer cook with high-end ingredients from the finest merchants, I was a whiz with Walmart ingredients and some imagination.

She wasn't saying "fill the void with another relationship" but saying "fill the void with other things where you can see yourself shine." I like that. And I'm glad that this post reminded me of that today.