rainiee

AH's mom called me last night. Was looking for his number as when he called the day before she picked up before it registered the number calling. Let her know I didn't have it. She told me that she didn't get a chance to talk to him about us & that's why she was supposed to be calling him back but did talk to him about the fact he stopped taking his medication (on top of alcoholism he has depression issues). I guess he said for her he would do it. What everyone (including myself at the time) doesn't realize that if it's not his idea & what he believe is what needs to be done it wont work & no one but my AH can fix it. She asked me to send him a message asking him to call her as she didn't have the number, so I did (and that's all I said). Of course, no response.

Yesterday was a good day over all. Felt good about having the interview & then a friend of mine I hadn't seen since AH moved here (gosh- I really haven't seen any of my friends since he moved here) took me to dinner, we drove around for a bit & then saw a movie. It was nice to get out of the house & not dwell or risk a relapse in to sadness.

This morning, I feel pretty sad & feel on the verge of tears but I'm hoping it will pass. No, I know it will pass. I have been traumatized severely & it will take time to work through my emotions & that's normal. I am focused on looking ahead & fixing my mess & that's helping in the recovery process. I wanted to go to my first Al-Anon meeting today but there isn't one available until Tuesday in my area.

Today my plan is to finish gathering his stuff & hopefully get the rest moved down to storage. Then, I want to work on re-arranging the apartment so it's a fresh new start. Right now it's the same as it was & I sit on the couch I can see the computer desk he used & it just rubs salt in the wounds. Bleck, this is all too much.

I feel like there is something wrong with me. I can't seem to work through the pain fast enough. I guess I am doing better as I am not curled under the covers crying "poor me" like I would prefer & doing things to TRY and heal but really, I'm still such a wreck. I know, he's only taken off in his drunken rage for 10 days & emailed divorce 4 days ago so it's normal to still feel such shock & hurt but I don't deserve any of this, don't understand why he can't even talk to me & have no answers so I can process this.

Sorry, I don't mean to whine but the people here have been so helpful in helping me try & wrap my head around it & I need like minded support. TY for baring with me...

Katiekate

Hi Rainee, so glad you posted.

What I finally realized was that trying to understand something that was not understandable was a big stumbling block for me. Alcoholics often have no explanations that make sense for the things they do and say. It's the chaos created by the disease and the power of the disease that make the rules of engagement impossible to understand.

I think it's so great that you are changing your apartment, make it yours, a safe place where you feel peaceful. Re arrange, get some new plants, some nice smelling candles in colors that make you feel calm.

I don't think you are whining, I think you are hurting and reaching out, I'm so glad you did, keep posting and be kind to yourself.

We care and don't mind at all. It's the weekend here on the forum and often it can be kind of slow around here, don't feel bad if not many post in the next couple of days. Take good care of yourself. Oh and great getting out with friends and to a movie. Katie xo

SparkleKitty

Please be gentle with your timetable. You cannot rush grief and processing. It will happen only as fast as it happens. Trying to rush it is akin to avoiding it, and it will just sneak up on you later.

(((((Rainiee))))) Hugs to you.

Tuffgirl

Hugs and prayers for a peaceful day,
~T

rainiee

I know that answers or understanding is not something I'll get (and even if I did- I couldn't trust that I wasn't being told exactly what I wanted to hear). However my mind is extremely analytical & logic based & I go out of my way (sometimes to far out of my way) to be kind to people & do the right things (like not end a marriage in an email). So to not even know why he has done this (the twisted truth as he sees it) & to not be allowed to even see him face to face is really out of my ability to process. Others think he refuses to talk to me or see me in person is out of shame for what he's done but I already opened my heart to him & he knows he could come back & at least talk to me without a "fight". To be such a mean spirited coward to your wife (or anyone who valued you) is, well, really messed up.

Do I wish my husband wasn't doing this to us, absolutely but he is & I am trying to cope the best I can.

I do know I am better off if that's what he has to offer. The disappearing husband act he pulled just two weeks before this final one he was drunk & picking a fight with me & threatening to leave & good luck paying rent without him. I told him if he really felt that way I was a survivor & would figure it out. His response "Yeah, go suck some guys c*** & get what you need". Wow. And that was just one of many situations that I reflect on & think "You stood by this man & gave him your heart? You are sitting here in pain over losing someone who was so emotionally & verbally abusive?". I've never played the role of the victim & how did I let myself fall in to it.

Now as much as I wish I had answers from him & understanding I'm switching my mind set to finding answers to the questions I have about ME & why I allowed any of it. Yes, I know he bs'd me & told me how sorry, how much love he had & it would never happen again but I already knew if I think about it that it was just to shut me up.

To me he is like Lucy from Charlie Brown & the football. No really, trust me- I will hold it here for you too kick...sucker...

dandylion

Rainiee,I have seen it explained, that the very crux of the co-dependent "bargain" in a relationship is the belief that if one gives enough--the other person will give back--especially in time of need.

It can be absolutely devastating, when something very important happens, that the other person is unwilling or unable to reciprocate. It is when the co-dependent finally realizes the limitations of the partner's ability to give back (often, after a long time of suffering) that the seeds of recovery are able to take root.

That makes perfect sense to me when I look at my own experience.

dandylion

dollydo

Patience and more patience. It took a while to get in the situation you are presently in and it will take a while to work yourself out of it.

When I tossed exabf out, I repainted my bedroom in a happy, peaceful color, got a new bedspread...WOW, what a difference that made...like a new beginning.

Remember progress, not perfection. We are here for you, keep posting, it will help.

mmk11

You're not whining dear, we're here for you for support - we've been where you are in one form or another. When my STBXAH and I were going through a marriage crisis this past spring, I didn't have good days and bad days; I had good minutes and bad minutes, but mostly anxiety-filled, all-consuming, bad minutes. They passed. Now I have more good DAYS, than bad days. It takes time, you will get there. I didn't see a light at the end of the tunnel for a long time, but eventually I did. You will too. Be kind to yourself and patient.

Rosiepetal

Hi Rainiee.
Thoughts and prayers are with you.
You've been through a traumatic time & its only natural to feel the way you do.
Baby steps, 1 day at a time.

rainiee

So...
I sent an email to AH to talk about a couple of items we got after marriage. You know, since he refuses to see me but yet we ARE married & have things to discuss if this is how it is to be.
I outlined what I thought was fair for dividing things & if he was not okay with what I came up with I would be happy to sell the items & split the money. Outlining that I have no desire to screw him or hurt him in any way. Also since internet/phone is in his name I wanted to see if he would leave it on until I can pick up the pieces & do it on my own.

I actually got a response, I was shocked since he has refused all contact. He let me know that I should just keep everything & he hopes I'm okay.

I wanted to scream "No, I am not okay!!!". But instead I didn't reply at all. I finished packing his stuff & got the last of it downstairs to storage this morning & sent him an email only saying everything was now down there & what the items were (in a nutshell). Did I want to say more? YES. However if I am going to rebuild I have to not say anything. He knows I love him and am still in love & that does not need to repeated again & again. I understand that for whatever reason he has chose total abandonment & I will not know this reason & it's not fair to me or to him to keeping trying to get through to someone who is not reachable.
I don't want to continue to make mistakes in this situation. I do hope that some day he looks back & reads the emails & sees that for once in his life he did have the love of someone who was worth fighting for & I do hope that someday if he finds someone else (ugh, what a horrible thing to think about) who loves him with all her heart he cherishes it & is able to love back. Everyone deserves love...

So after I dropped off the stuff in storage I went to the gas station behind me to pick something up. When I came back I ran smack in to the AF that my AH is staying with. He said "Hi there", I said a very quiet "hey" & let myself in to the building. Now I am filled with overwhelming emotion again. Pain of losing my husband, pain of what this AF has done that my husband is a willing follower of & in my minds eye when I saw him all I could think of was wishing I could hurt him like he has hurt me. How dare he say anything to me. Of course doing anything to hurt anyone is not ever going to happen but it sure was a strong emotion.

Not only the pain of losing someone I love & not understanding but to have them in my building as a constant reminder & being afraid of running in to one or both. The end of the month when they move can not come fast enough.

I was doing so well trying to be tough, be strong, focus, figuring out my role & didn't cry for two days doing my best to not let emotion overwhelm me & now I am back to a crying mess.

One of my closest friends who is 5 years clean off drugs (and doesn't do any substance) & an active member in recovery is going with me tomorrow to my first Al-Anon meeting. I am scared to go (even though I know it's going to be healthy) and I'm so happy to have her support for my first step. I have another friend who is in recovery for alcohol & he thought it was great I was going to go & let me know they could help me as "not only the drunk gets sick".

If I had known what role I had played in the drinking problem I never would have fallen in to it. It's not my personality to be controlling & I was asked to help & was happy to do just that. Why wouldn't I? If I had understood better what was being asked of me was impossible & not my place I would have gone to Al-Anon meetings from the start to make sure I stayed healthy & didn't add to the problem or recognized that I had to leave him if it meant not being able to stay healthy.

Again I have to say, it's all so horribly sad...and I'm filled with so much regret for being so naive.

I am past the point of beating myself up as it's not all my fault & can't look at it like that, I hope that it doesn't read like I am beating myself up but I do take accountability for my actions, my role & wish it hadn't played out like this. Now I need to learn how to recognize what I'm being faced with in the future & make sure I don't look back again with regret of my actions.

Learn2Live

Be patient with and kind to yourself. Try to think of what you want for yourself, what brings you peace and joy. Little things. Not people. Things you do, things you like, your favorite colors, your dream house, your dream vacation. Focus on you. Cry the tears you need to cry, let out the sobs that need to come, then do something nice for yourself, a cup of tea, a movie, a cookie, a hot bath. Take time out every day for you. Dream forward, not backward. "Invest your time, attention, and emotional energy where you have power: Your power to act." (-George Simon) Declutter your house, vacuum, scrub the sink, make a donation bag for Goodwill or Salvation Army. Go to the paint store and pick out colors for your home. Clean out your car.

These are all the things I have been doing these past few months while I grieve my loss and regain my strength. Honor yourself. You are going to be all right.

rainiee

Yes, after the run in I posted here sobbing...talked to my best friend, sobbing & then got up- wiped away the tears & started back in on the apartment. Every room has been been emptied of things that remind me of him (aside from my flowers from V-day & wedding bouquet those mean a lot to me & don't bring me pain), every room is being re-arranged (almost done) to a new set up that was never in place while he was here to create a new & healthy start, need to go down & throw in laundry, job hunt in case I don't get the offer to start tomorrow, watch a movie I've wanted to see & well... just do my best to do things that are going to create a healthy me. These are things I would be doing if I had always been alone & it's helping me to remember how much of ME I had lost in all of this. As much as I miss him, I miss me more.

Yes, I will be alright. I am a strong woman with a good head on her shoulders. It's just all very new & I am allowing myself to feel, cry, smile & any other emotion that comes up... just a little frustrated that I had to have it all ripped open & shoved in to my face by running in to his sick & twisted AF... AKA: "The sugar daddy". Sigh... just ten more days maximum & they will be gone. I CAN do this...

Aside from my strong will to survive, aside from all my friends who have been wonderful (no one, including myself is bad mouthing him, they all think it's sad too), aside from every one here who has made me feel so welcome my best comfort has been my cats. Having them here is really comforting- as if I'm not totally alone. <3