kglast

Hi all...it has been a VERY long time since I have posted here...again, I find myself needing you all and looking for support/advice...hope you are all well!

Guess who I have been back in touch with for the last several weeks??? Yup - XAF...and, are you ready, he is finally (allegedly) sober. I have only been in phone contact with him, however, he has suggested getting together. I am very conflicted about this.

He voluntarily entered detox & rehab in June and completed a 90 day inpatient rehab at the end of September. From what he tells me things are going well and he remains sober ( based on a couple of conversations I have had with him, I am not so sure he hasn't "slipped" ). Even after all this time, I feel like he was drinking on a couple of occasions when I spoke to him. This means I am probably correct, right??

Trying desperately not to get "sucked back in" to a crazy making situation. Even if he is sober, he has no license, no car, is living with his sister & her family trying to find work after getting out of rehab and he lives about 2 1/2 hours from me. I know it is not the best thing for me to get involved with him again. I would like to think I could go visit for a weekend and have fun and that's it. But what are the odds that would really happen??? I don't need any drama. If he is sober, it would be fun to be friends (ok, even friends with benefits) but that is all. Wondering if that is possible and even if it is, if it would be a smart thing to do...probably not..

Jeez...thanks for letting me talk this out....anyone been in a similar spot? How did it turn out? Any insight, ESH, would be helpful & much appreciated.

Thepatman

Don't know who xaf is, but if you sober and he potentially is not then maybe you will exPose yourself to a potential trigger. I'm new here so I Probably not making any sense.

But welcome back!

SparkleKitty

I am admittedly unfamiliar with your history, but based solely on this post it sounds like you already know what the best thing to do is. I don't think you really came back here expecting to hear a chorus of "Sure! Go for it! Why the heck not!" did you?

kglast

Sparkle - No, I certainly did not expect that...maybe just confirmation that it was not a healthy thing to do....why I feel the need to have that confirmed, I am not sure.... Love the picture of your dog!

Patman - I am not an alcoholic...I was just engaged to one once who I loved very deeply and have been in contact with again.

Cyranoak

...when we think they've been drinking, they've been drinking. I don't care what he says, or anybody else. You're not just right, your damn right!!!

dollydo

"I know it is not the best thing for me to get involved with him again."

There is the answer, forget all the "possible friends w/benefits thing".

dandylion

Dear kglast, from what I gather from your post---I think you would be walking where angels fear to tread.

I agree--If you think he has been drinking--he has been. If he has been drinking, he is not in reccovery and still in denial. If you re-engage, he will be back at his old behaviors as soon as you have been "sucked in", again.

If you are longing to re-engage with him, I think you may be trying to fill a hole of emptiness inside yourself. He will need to be in a vigorous treatment program (complete abstinence) for a year, at minimum. In AA--they consider someone a new-comer for up to 5yrs. Same for yourself. You need to be in recovery for a good year before ro mantically engaging--or you will find yourself as vulnerable to manipulating and involving yourself who someone who cannot sustain a healthy relationship as before.

I think you might be fooling you if you think "friend with benefits" will not propell you into heartache.

I am being as straight forward about this as I can be. You asked for feedback--so, I figure it should be honest feedback.

Very sincerely, dandylion