Running
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 93
Running
Hi Everyone,
So another week goes by! I still have had no contact with the EXABF. I titled this post "running" because I feel like I am running - from all addicts,recovering addicts, in denial addicts, and MEN (all men)!! As far as those with addiction in their lives, I run because I am scared. A year ago I would have never ran away from anyone that needed "help" but as I have learned, ADDICTS are in a category of their own. Where my helping hands will do no good. I am deathly scared of addicts. I know this may sound harsh but the reality is that the pain that accompanies them- it is far too much! For everything that I have gone through, I can now see that I am in a ways traumatized. I traumatized myself by taking the front row seat and I can't help but run from any reminder of it.
I was wondering if anyone else felt this way, when everything was said and done with. I have really looked at myself and am realizing that I now have many issues to sort out. I don't feel that it is right to begin anything new until I have healed from it all. I reject any guy that comes near me and they just can't understand. Who wants baggage? I don't, so I feel like until I get rid of my own, there is no point in making it seem like I am "available"
I have been blowing off old friends who have resurfaced because they are recovering from their DOC and it does make me sad that I have such a hard time allowing them to even be near me. It's not that I have a hatred against addicts, I just don't feel comfortable enough in my own emotions to face them.
I don't want to be this judgemental and am hoping that with time, my fears will go away. It's hard to explain to people who weren't in my position because I think that the enormous amount of pain that is caused by an addict is hard to understand and it is even harder for others to see how deeply impacted you now are. Anyways, here's to another day facing myself and the pain.
So another week goes by! I still have had no contact with the EXABF. I titled this post "running" because I feel like I am running - from all addicts,recovering addicts, in denial addicts, and MEN (all men)!! As far as those with addiction in their lives, I run because I am scared. A year ago I would have never ran away from anyone that needed "help" but as I have learned, ADDICTS are in a category of their own. Where my helping hands will do no good. I am deathly scared of addicts. I know this may sound harsh but the reality is that the pain that accompanies them- it is far too much! For everything that I have gone through, I can now see that I am in a ways traumatized. I traumatized myself by taking the front row seat and I can't help but run from any reminder of it.
I was wondering if anyone else felt this way, when everything was said and done with. I have really looked at myself and am realizing that I now have many issues to sort out. I don't feel that it is right to begin anything new until I have healed from it all. I reject any guy that comes near me and they just can't understand. Who wants baggage? I don't, so I feel like until I get rid of my own, there is no point in making it seem like I am "available"
I have been blowing off old friends who have resurfaced because they are recovering from their DOC and it does make me sad that I have such a hard time allowing them to even be near me. It's not that I have a hatred against addicts, I just don't feel comfortable enough in my own emotions to face them.
I don't want to be this judgemental and am hoping that with time, my fears will go away. It's hard to explain to people who weren't in my position because I think that the enormous amount of pain that is caused by an addict is hard to understand and it is even harder for others to see how deeply impacted you now are. Anyways, here's to another day facing myself and the pain.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
"I can now see that I am in a ways traumatized."
No doubt about it, I was. It takes time to recover from the abuse. I no longer expose myself to
people who use illegal drugs or drink to an excess. It is my choice, my life.
Be kind to yourself, this too will pass!
No doubt about it, I was. It takes time to recover from the abuse. I no longer expose myself to
people who use illegal drugs or drink to an excess. It is my choice, my life.
Be kind to yourself, this too will pass!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 168
I feel the same way rsk, I found out that I am pregnant and it been 2 months since last contact, but my ex is making me out to look like the bad guy..anyways I was really good friend with this really nce guy and he is a cop so no addiction or past prison time there, and he knows what going on but wants to try thing out I think its to soon for me like you I am scared of not only addicts but all men in general. We have to sort of ourselves first before we enter into a normal relationship. I feel like I always have to look over my shoulders just to make sure there is noone there waiting to take advantage of my good heart. I feel my once clean pure white heart is now dirty black and cold. i hope with time it goes away I want to be healthly for my child.
Lots of love and support rsk
Lots of love and support rsk
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 93
BROKEN101 
,
I don't even know you but you seem like a very wise and kind hearted woman. You will be a great mother. You couldn't have said it better...about being pure in your heart to now cold. I feel the same. Everytime a guy speaks to me, I think in my mind OH I WONDER WHAT DEEP SECRETS/ISSUES YOU HAVE HIDDEN! lol I know that there are great men/women out there, it is just hard to see that right now. I wish you the best with the future!!
WE WILL MAKE IT OUT OF THIS STRONGER,WISER,AND FILLED WITH LOVE,ONCE AGAIN
,I don't even know you but you seem like a very wise and kind hearted woman. You will be a great mother. You couldn't have said it better...about being pure in your heart to now cold. I feel the same. Everytime a guy speaks to me, I think in my mind OH I WONDER WHAT DEEP SECRETS/ISSUES YOU HAVE HIDDEN! lol I know that there are great men/women out there, it is just hard to see that right now. I wish you the best with the future!!
WE WILL MAKE IT OUT OF THIS STRONGER,WISER,AND FILLED WITH LOVE,ONCE AGAIN
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 559
Yes. I had to for my mental life. I gave up friends and lost family. I fear certain public places because I don't want to run into our old friends...who are HIS friends...who all support him and think he is sober (last I heard) and is a "great guy" who just made a mistake. I don't want to have the fake "how you doing" convo. I don't want to talk about him. I don't want to go out at night and run into anybody, so I don't go out, but this is fine with me because I hate going out and bars. I just want nothing to do with him or anything he touches. I started new with home, friends and job. I had to. Running? Hiding? Or healing? Nobody knows or understands what I have gone thru. This addict of mine cheated and left me and my 2 yr old to starve, and still hasn't properly apologized.
Do what you need to do to get healthy. NOBODY understands what it is like dealing with an addict unless you are or have been in the trenches.
Do what you need to do to get healthy. NOBODY understands what it is like dealing with an addict unless you are or have been in the trenches.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 93
Originally Posted by story74 
. I don't want to have the fake "how you doing" convo. I don't want to talk about him. I don't want to go out at night and run into anybody, so I don't go out, but this is fine with me because I hate going out and bars..
I only feel ok (emotionally) talking about him here but other than that, I don't want to hear about him anymore. It just opens the wounds again.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: MI
Posts: 452
I totally understand what you are talking about. My roller coaster ride with my addict ended in April, and in the aftermath, I have sometimes wondered if I am suffering from PTSD. I am not sure that I will ever fully recover from the pain of life with my AS. You'd like to think that the core of yourself endures, stable and the same, through whatever storms life throws at you. But I think that there are some experiences that are so damaging that they leave a permanent scar and you are never quite the same. You carry on, you will have happy times again, but there is a part of you that will forever work around that emotionally scarred place, just as you would with a permanent physical injury. Loving an addict can create just that kind of damage, I think.
Give yourself all the time you need to heal, and don't judge yourself as judgmental or harsh. You HAVE been traumatized. Be gentle with yourself.
Give yourself all the time you need to heal, and don't judge yourself as judgmental or harsh. You HAVE been traumatized. Be gentle with yourself.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 81
It sounds to me as though you're continually running into the wrong people.
I struggle with these sorts of feelings on a daily basis as well. I've been separated from my RAexGF for 2 months now. Living with her for 2 years severly traumitized me and at this point I can't even comprihend attempting another romantic relationship. I even get uncomfortable when I speak with friends who smoke a joint now and then or drink too much at the bar some nights. I feel disdain towards these people although I suppose it's my fear that their actions will cause me harm. Sometimes, I'll find myself in the elevator at work, with a complete stranger, and I'll look at them and ask myself 'what's their drug'? It's a sick train of thought, unhealthy to say the least, but it's how I've learned to survive after living with an addict for so long.
Much of my romantic aversion is logistical, because I'm caring for 2 young children, them and myself are what I'm focused on. As I type this I'm sterilizing bottles on the stove. After I'm done I have to pack lunch for one daughter, make bottles for the other, fold laundry and put their clothes out for the morning. I'll sleep for a few hours, then get everyone up and out of the house by 7. I get my girls where they need to go then work a full day. Pick them up between 4 and 5, enjoy home for a few hours and repeat this the next day. 5 days a week. Family helps here and there. RAexGF comes to see the kids a half hour each day.
This on top of all the emotions I'm dealing with I end up feeling like a baggage terminal.
I work with this guy, and always thought he was a drunk because he would call out often. We don't have much in common, although one day, while I was still with my ex, I had a very bad night where I had to have my parent's come pick up the kids around 2am because my ex came home blasted and I needed to go to work. I was 15 minutes late. He asked my why. I told him my whole life story to the point where I was nearly in tears. He harshly said 'ditch the b***h, worry about your kids and yourself' 'If she's an addict then forget it'. I was taken a back for a moment, but through out the course of the day he explained how his ex wife chose meth, and he's now living with his parents, caring for 3 children.
You're going to run into a lot of people as life goes on, whether it's for the purpose of friendship, romantics or simple everyday chit chat. If you see someone who perks your interest ask their back story. If they've had addiction issues and you're uncomfortable with that, just run the other way.
Your're in control of this.
I struggle with these sorts of feelings on a daily basis as well. I've been separated from my RAexGF for 2 months now. Living with her for 2 years severly traumitized me and at this point I can't even comprihend attempting another romantic relationship. I even get uncomfortable when I speak with friends who smoke a joint now and then or drink too much at the bar some nights. I feel disdain towards these people although I suppose it's my fear that their actions will cause me harm. Sometimes, I'll find myself in the elevator at work, with a complete stranger, and I'll look at them and ask myself 'what's their drug'? It's a sick train of thought, unhealthy to say the least, but it's how I've learned to survive after living with an addict for so long.
Much of my romantic aversion is logistical, because I'm caring for 2 young children, them and myself are what I'm focused on. As I type this I'm sterilizing bottles on the stove. After I'm done I have to pack lunch for one daughter, make bottles for the other, fold laundry and put their clothes out for the morning. I'll sleep for a few hours, then get everyone up and out of the house by 7. I get my girls where they need to go then work a full day. Pick them up between 4 and 5, enjoy home for a few hours and repeat this the next day. 5 days a week. Family helps here and there. RAexGF comes to see the kids a half hour each day.
This on top of all the emotions I'm dealing with I end up feeling like a baggage terminal.
I work with this guy, and always thought he was a drunk because he would call out often. We don't have much in common, although one day, while I was still with my ex, I had a very bad night where I had to have my parent's come pick up the kids around 2am because my ex came home blasted and I needed to go to work. I was 15 minutes late. He asked my why. I told him my whole life story to the point where I was nearly in tears. He harshly said 'ditch the b***h, worry about your kids and yourself' 'If she's an addict then forget it'. I was taken a back for a moment, but through out the course of the day he explained how his ex wife chose meth, and he's now living with his parents, caring for 3 children.
You're going to run into a lot of people as life goes on, whether it's for the purpose of friendship, romantics or simple everyday chit chat. If you see someone who perks your interest ask their back story. If they've had addiction issues and you're uncomfortable with that, just run the other way.
Your're in control of this.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 2,282
...It's a victory for the dark side if you let your interface
with addiction turn you 'mean'.
Like attracts like,mean attracts mean.
I let my guard down and ignored my instincts....ONCE.
Although I learned alot---it's not something I'd EVER do
again.My instincts screamed---"Run like hell and never look back"
I should have listened.Interacting with this scummy underworld of
addiction brought nothing to my life except disappointment,sorrow,
and wasted effort.
But on the bright side,at least I got to meet a few violent hard
time ex-con's---people I would have never had the chance to meet
under normal circumstances!
Truly a treat.Sorry it had to end!
with addiction turn you 'mean'.
Like attracts like,mean attracts mean.
I let my guard down and ignored my instincts....ONCE.
Although I learned alot---it's not something I'd EVER do
again.My instincts screamed---"Run like hell and never look back"
I should have listened.Interacting with this scummy underworld of
addiction brought nothing to my life except disappointment,sorrow,
and wasted effort.
But on the bright side,at least I got to meet a few violent hard
time ex-con's---people I would have never had the chance to meet
under normal circumstances!
Truly a treat.Sorry it had to end!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Sunshine, Sea Breeze & Palm Trees
Posts: 282
rsk I can relate.
Nowadays, I have zero tolerance for addicts. It took me so long to get out, why would I risk my happiness and sanity with the same problematic people again? No thank you! In fact, I am so traumatized by my own experience that I feel no attraction to men these days. I am fine with it though. I am single but happy and strong. If I meet someone one day, then great but if I dont... my life is fine too. It's a wonderful feeling to know that I can be happy on my own. And because I fought hard to crawl my way out from the darkness that I was in... I have a deeper appreciation for the wisdom and insights that I've gained from Letting Go of the addict.
Since parting way with the addict, I embrace with open arms positivity, being healthy and taking care of me which includes being mindful of my thoughts, both positive and negative but not fuel or dwell in them.
I have met new people, made new friends... thoroughly enjoyed the company of happy, hard working, and good people. People that inspire me to be better. I enjoy conversations now, I smile, I laugh and I close my eyes and fall asleep without xanax. All of this would not be possible if I had kept the addict in my life because the process itself would be nothing but isolation, loneliness, and chaos.
Keep running and dont turn back. The farther you get away from toxicity... the healthier you will become.
Nowadays, I have zero tolerance for addicts. It took me so long to get out, why would I risk my happiness and sanity with the same problematic people again? No thank you! In fact, I am so traumatized by my own experience that I feel no attraction to men these days. I am fine with it though. I am single but happy and strong. If I meet someone one day, then great but if I dont... my life is fine too. It's a wonderful feeling to know that I can be happy on my own. And because I fought hard to crawl my way out from the darkness that I was in... I have a deeper appreciation for the wisdom and insights that I've gained from Letting Go of the addict.
Since parting way with the addict, I embrace with open arms positivity, being healthy and taking care of me which includes being mindful of my thoughts, both positive and negative but not fuel or dwell in them.
I have met new people, made new friends... thoroughly enjoyed the company of happy, hard working, and good people. People that inspire me to be better. I enjoy conversations now, I smile, I laugh and I close my eyes and fall asleep without xanax. All of this would not be possible if I had kept the addict in my life because the process itself would be nothing but isolation, loneliness, and chaos.
Keep running and dont turn back. The farther you get away from toxicity... the healthier you will become.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,423
I gave up associating with drug abusers when I got clean & my marriage split up. I was on my own for 4 years & then finally got into another relationship to find I was dating an alcoholic! another 21/2 years of wasted time.
Crickey I must learn to be more choosey now lol.
Crickey I must learn to be more choosey now lol.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 93
Originally Posted by drc5426
As I type this I'm sterilizing bottles on the stove. After I'm done I have to pack lunch for one daughter, make bottles for the other, fold laundry and put their clothes out for the morning. I'll sleep for a few hours, then get everyone up and out of the house by 7. I get my girls where they need to go then work a full day. Pick them up between 4 and 5, enjoy home for a few hours and repeat this the next day. 5 days a week. .
I GIVE A LOT OF RESPECT FOR THE MEN AND WOMEN THAT HAVE CHILDREN INVOLVED AND ARE DOING THE BEST THAT THEY CAN! IT SHOWS THAT YOU HAVE A GOOD HEAD ON YOUR SHOULDERS AND THAT IS SOMETHING TO BE PROUD OF.
Also, you are right, I keep running into the "wrong" people. I kind of felt like it is a test from my HP. I am finally learning to say-no you are not going to be a positive person in my life, so carry on...
When you mentioned your thoughts in the elevator, I HAVE THEM ALL THE TIME TOO! It blows my mind that we are all traumatized by our experiences but yet WE still try to better ourselves,learn from our mistakes,and begin the cycle of change/growth - life would be much simpler if EVERYONE had this stong will inside of them (our beloved addicts).
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Minneapolis
Posts: 924
It was almost a year ago that I had my ex pack his things and move out. He was packing the night I joined SR.
It has been a long, slow, bumpy, beautiful, horrible, amazing, maddening, greif filled, growth filled, transitional and transformational year.
At this point I am not sure that I would ever change it.
The good news is that I don't have a choice! LOL
This IS my life. My experiences, my choices, my pain, my learning, my growth, my deepening of understanding.
I look out at the world now with a sense of compassion for just how many people are suffering out there. I look at my world with deep gratitude for who and what IS in my life rather than wounded anger about who/what isn't.
But yes still... even yesterday after catching glimpses of photos from out trip to Europe right before we broke up, I felt another gentle sorrowful wave of melancholy. But I can hold that now, and comfort my heart.
As far as I know my ex is back in treatment. For the umpteenth time. He keeps trying, and keeps using...over and over...the pure insanity. His own horror and self loathing replaying itself over and over and over...every time he finishes another crack binge. His secrecy and shame creeping all over his body. The dark recesses where he feels worthless, evil and "less than". I pray for him. I feel for him. There are millions out there...and they suffer horribly, and they may just die from it.
Yes...addiction changes the rules. We cannot cause it, cure it or control it.
WE need to change our own perspective and seek cure for our own "attachment" to the addiction. Hopefully in our own healing process we have found the "we" of recovery and have a desire to not relapse in our own healing, our own recovery.
A year has passed...grief ebbs slowly and surely. Life fills in...with challenge, excitement, boredom, love, loneliness, wonder, confusion...
life fills in and gently, insistently, awkwardly and nervously sews back up and fills in the void where the attachment to the addict tore away.
Perhaps we didn't even "choose" to tear away, but recognized through the love and support and advice and experience and care and patience and compassion of the WE within the codependent world of recovery that we didn't really have a choice...that in order to have a healthier/happier life our choice was actually a necessity...and maybe we still didn't even like that necessity.
STILL it is OUR life, OUR choice, OUR necessity. OUR path.
Over the last year I have been healing that wound where I had been attached to my ex who suffers with addiction. Life and Love are a mystery. I have learned a hard, deep, powerful, amazing lesson about life and love. My ex was in my life for a reason. He is not in my life for a reason.
I have compassion for ALL of us who suffer with an attachment to addiction.
There is no WE AND THEM. WE ALL suffer from attachment to addiction.
One of the biggest lessons of recovery is that it is not about OUR own will...or "THEIRS" it is about a power greater than ourselves. If somehow you have had the grace to find direction toward healing and recovery...and if you continue on that path, I truly believe that you will find love and compassion, and prayers and hope for healing, for that "addict". Even while you feel healthy and have gratitude for your own well being and boundaries.
It has been a long, slow, bumpy, beautiful, horrible, amazing, maddening, greif filled, growth filled, transitional and transformational year.
At this point I am not sure that I would ever change it.
The good news is that I don't have a choice! LOL
This IS my life. My experiences, my choices, my pain, my learning, my growth, my deepening of understanding.
I look out at the world now with a sense of compassion for just how many people are suffering out there. I look at my world with deep gratitude for who and what IS in my life rather than wounded anger about who/what isn't.
But yes still... even yesterday after catching glimpses of photos from out trip to Europe right before we broke up, I felt another gentle sorrowful wave of melancholy. But I can hold that now, and comfort my heart.
As far as I know my ex is back in treatment. For the umpteenth time. He keeps trying, and keeps using...over and over...the pure insanity. His own horror and self loathing replaying itself over and over and over...every time he finishes another crack binge. His secrecy and shame creeping all over his body. The dark recesses where he feels worthless, evil and "less than". I pray for him. I feel for him. There are millions out there...and they suffer horribly, and they may just die from it.
Yes...addiction changes the rules. We cannot cause it, cure it or control it.
WE need to change our own perspective and seek cure for our own "attachment" to the addiction. Hopefully in our own healing process we have found the "we" of recovery and have a desire to not relapse in our own healing, our own recovery.
A year has passed...grief ebbs slowly and surely. Life fills in...with challenge, excitement, boredom, love, loneliness, wonder, confusion...
life fills in and gently, insistently, awkwardly and nervously sews back up and fills in the void where the attachment to the addict tore away.
Perhaps we didn't even "choose" to tear away, but recognized through the love and support and advice and experience and care and patience and compassion of the WE within the codependent world of recovery that we didn't really have a choice...that in order to have a healthier/happier life our choice was actually a necessity...and maybe we still didn't even like that necessity.
STILL it is OUR life, OUR choice, OUR necessity. OUR path.
Over the last year I have been healing that wound where I had been attached to my ex who suffers with addiction. Life and Love are a mystery. I have learned a hard, deep, powerful, amazing lesson about life and love. My ex was in my life for a reason. He is not in my life for a reason.
I have compassion for ALL of us who suffer with an attachment to addiction.
There is no WE AND THEM. WE ALL suffer from attachment to addiction.
One of the biggest lessons of recovery is that it is not about OUR own will...or "THEIRS" it is about a power greater than ourselves. If somehow you have had the grace to find direction toward healing and recovery...and if you continue on that path, I truly believe that you will find love and compassion, and prayers and hope for healing, for that "addict". Even while you feel healthy and have gratitude for your own well being and boundaries.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 45
I completely understand. I have zero tolerance for addicts and I want nothing to do with them. I'm just too afraid of how they will hurt me or use me or manipulate me. I know now that i am just susceptible to being manipulated, so my best course if action is to just stay away. I also refuse to consider dating until I feel like I am healthy and can be a part of a good relationship, because I have two small children that need me healthy and functioning. I will not risk introducing another unhealthy person into their lives, their addict father is more than enough. I understand and I think what you are doing makes sense.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 93
THANK YOU EVERYONE FOR SHARING!
I went to my first NarAnon meeting tonight. Everyone was very nice and had their arms wide open. I have learned so much from this site that even though it was my first meeting, I did not feel like it was a foreign language.
The other thing that I have learned is that as crazy as this sounds... I am not really happier once I leave. I say this because I was crying and had a shaky voice once it became my turn to share. The crying and all is one thing but it feels like I opened up the wounds again. I am not one to suppress emotions, I have always spoken my mind even if it has gotten me no where. Being able to feel my emotions for the good and bad has never seemed to be a problem until...NOW.
After leaving the meeting it became apparent that I can not nor do I want to rehash on my experience (OUTLOUD). It hurts-it hurts-it hurts!! I don't want to be rude and not forthcoming at these meetings but if I have to share what happened every time I go, I don't see how it is going to be beneficial. My friend went along with me so the support was wonderful but I just didn't leave with lifted spirits. If anything I felt sad, especially for the MOMS that are enduring all of this. I guess I just thought that there would be more wisdom and guidance presented than everyone just sharing their stories...
I went to my first NarAnon meeting tonight. Everyone was very nice and had their arms wide open. I have learned so much from this site that even though it was my first meeting, I did not feel like it was a foreign language.
The other thing that I have learned is that as crazy as this sounds... I am not really happier once I leave. I say this because I was crying and had a shaky voice once it became my turn to share. The crying and all is one thing but it feels like I opened up the wounds again. I am not one to suppress emotions, I have always spoken my mind even if it has gotten me no where. Being able to feel my emotions for the good and bad has never seemed to be a problem until...NOW.
After leaving the meeting it became apparent that I can not nor do I want to rehash on my experience (OUTLOUD). It hurts-it hurts-it hurts!! I don't want to be rude and not forthcoming at these meetings but if I have to share what happened every time I go, I don't see how it is going to be beneficial. My friend went along with me so the support was wonderful but I just didn't leave with lifted spirits. If anything I felt sad, especially for the MOMS that are enduring all of this. I guess I just thought that there would be more wisdom and guidance presented than everyone just sharing their stories...
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
I had a similar experience at Nar-Anon where I live. I have been attending Al-Anon for many years but decided to go to Nar-Anon for awhile because I needed to expand my awareness of the world of drug addiction.
What didn't work for me at the Nar-Anon meeting was the format. People went consecutively in sharing--they could pass if they chose to do so--and each person shared the events of the week related to the addict in his or her life.
This was so different from Al-Anon for me. In Al-Anon we concentrated on our own spiritual personal growth. Meetings generally had topics related to personal growth--for example "Letting Go" or "Live and Let Live" or how we defined a Higher Power for ourselves and how that helped us release trying to control outcomes and people. If we needed to talk out a specific event from the week concerning the alcoholic, we did it after the meeting or through a phone call to someone. The focus was on us and the return to our spiritual center which had been ravaged by the effects of someone's drinking or drugging. With a good group, this creates a profound yet subtle shifting from the obsession with the alcoholic or addict and expands one's feelings about what one's life means in a much larger sense. Our lives become very narrow, very constricted, when we are hooked to the alcoholic or addict. The meetings helped me, at least for an hour, be me, and I hoped, a better me.
So do not question your experience at the meeting you went to, rsk. 12-Step meetings are as healthy as the combined group in the room, and some meetings are unfortunately not on steady ground. But the good ones are gold.
As for my Nar-Anon experience, I continued to go for several months, though I could see the troubled areas of the group as a whole. And then one week I knew I would not be returning. I continue on with a good Al-Anon group. I didn't try to change the Nar-Anon group, I accepted it as it was and knew it had been so for many years. And I assumed that for those who attended regularly, they were where they needed to be. And a different Nar-Anon group could be a perfect fit, but here there is only the one.
But I hope you will find some way to process the experience you have had with another person or persons who understand what it is to be shaken to the core by a drug addict. Those who have had "normal" break-ups will not understand the specific psychological turmoil that a person experiences when she or he is ambushed by the splittedness of addicts and alcoholics. You have been deeply injured and shaken. You may need to process this for quite a while. If you can see a counselor, that would be best. (I have never had a sponsor, I do all my work with a counselor). But if you can't, then reading recovery books and then talking about your pain and disillusionment with a trusted mature person who is a very good listener will be of tremendous help. And, in my experience, it may last a year or two, at least, the processing. The wound sinks deep.
What didn't work for me at the Nar-Anon meeting was the format. People went consecutively in sharing--they could pass if they chose to do so--and each person shared the events of the week related to the addict in his or her life.
This was so different from Al-Anon for me. In Al-Anon we concentrated on our own spiritual personal growth. Meetings generally had topics related to personal growth--for example "Letting Go" or "Live and Let Live" or how we defined a Higher Power for ourselves and how that helped us release trying to control outcomes and people. If we needed to talk out a specific event from the week concerning the alcoholic, we did it after the meeting or through a phone call to someone. The focus was on us and the return to our spiritual center which had been ravaged by the effects of someone's drinking or drugging. With a good group, this creates a profound yet subtle shifting from the obsession with the alcoholic or addict and expands one's feelings about what one's life means in a much larger sense. Our lives become very narrow, very constricted, when we are hooked to the alcoholic or addict. The meetings helped me, at least for an hour, be me, and I hoped, a better me.
So do not question your experience at the meeting you went to, rsk. 12-Step meetings are as healthy as the combined group in the room, and some meetings are unfortunately not on steady ground. But the good ones are gold.
As for my Nar-Anon experience, I continued to go for several months, though I could see the troubled areas of the group as a whole. And then one week I knew I would not be returning. I continue on with a good Al-Anon group. I didn't try to change the Nar-Anon group, I accepted it as it was and knew it had been so for many years. And I assumed that for those who attended regularly, they were where they needed to be. And a different Nar-Anon group could be a perfect fit, but here there is only the one.
But I hope you will find some way to process the experience you have had with another person or persons who understand what it is to be shaken to the core by a drug addict. Those who have had "normal" break-ups will not understand the specific psychological turmoil that a person experiences when she or he is ambushed by the splittedness of addicts and alcoholics. You have been deeply injured and shaken. You may need to process this for quite a while. If you can see a counselor, that would be best. (I have never had a sponsor, I do all my work with a counselor). But if you can't, then reading recovery books and then talking about your pain and disillusionment with a trusted mature person who is a very good listener will be of tremendous help. And, in my experience, it may last a year or two, at least, the processing. The wound sinks deep.
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