New To This!
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: TELFORD
Posts: 21
New To This!
Hello,
I am new to this site not sure where or how to even start, I stumbled across it on a Google search. But here it goes I am a 23 year old with a boyfriend that has a pill problem. We have a 3 year old daughter together. It has not been an easy road for us. When we first met we were completely in love with each other it was amazing. He never had any problems with drugs just drank on occasion as so did I. We were together for almost two years when I got pregnant at nineteen with our daughter. We decided together we were going to go threw with this and both stepped up to the plate. We both had jobs bought a house and got prepared. Everything was great until our daughter was about 2 and I started noticing things were changing but wasn't sure what it was. NOW I know I conformed my worst nightmare about a year ago. He has been using for some time I would say for about two years. It got to the point he was so bad he lost his job because of it. All he does is lie, does it behind my back, isn’t really part of our lives because he is never around, and makes me feel horrible when I confront him about it. He is a completely different person it feels like. He doesn't act the same at all and it seems like his main purpose in life is his pills. I have tried so many times to try and get him help, he just doesn't seem like he really wants to do it. Like he is completely content on how life is right now. I just don’t know what to do or where to turn. I really want him to be around for his daughter she loves him so much. I feel as though by staying with him and continuing to live with him with our child I am saying its ok to do pills/ enabling him. Please if any of you can help me by giving advice on what I should do? Or even what to expect? If maybe I should get out of the situation and move on with my life since there is really nothing left between us.
I am new to this site not sure where or how to even start, I stumbled across it on a Google search. But here it goes I am a 23 year old with a boyfriend that has a pill problem. We have a 3 year old daughter together. It has not been an easy road for us. When we first met we were completely in love with each other it was amazing. He never had any problems with drugs just drank on occasion as so did I. We were together for almost two years when I got pregnant at nineteen with our daughter. We decided together we were going to go threw with this and both stepped up to the plate. We both had jobs bought a house and got prepared. Everything was great until our daughter was about 2 and I started noticing things were changing but wasn't sure what it was. NOW I know I conformed my worst nightmare about a year ago. He has been using for some time I would say for about two years. It got to the point he was so bad he lost his job because of it. All he does is lie, does it behind my back, isn’t really part of our lives because he is never around, and makes me feel horrible when I confront him about it. He is a completely different person it feels like. He doesn't act the same at all and it seems like his main purpose in life is his pills. I have tried so many times to try and get him help, he just doesn't seem like he really wants to do it. Like he is completely content on how life is right now. I just don’t know what to do or where to turn. I really want him to be around for his daughter she loves him so much. I feel as though by staying with him and continuing to live with him with our child I am saying its ok to do pills/ enabling him. Please if any of you can help me by giving advice on what I should do? Or even what to expect? If maybe I should get out of the situation and move on with my life since there is really nothing left between us.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,754
Please educate yourself about addiction.
There are stickies at the top of the friends and family page.
So many of us here can so relate to what you are going through.
It's important that you consider your child in this process. All of the things that you are feeling , I am certain your daughter is aware of and feels them too on some level. She needs to be protected from addcition.
I hope you stick around, you will get a lot of support from many wise and compassionate folks here who have been through or a going through exactlywhat you are.
Leaving may just be your best bet at this point, it sounds like his addiction is in full swing, he will not do anything to change things, doesn't sound like he is anywhere near his bottom.
There are stickies at the top of the friends and family page.
So many of us here can so relate to what you are going through.
It's important that you consider your child in this process. All of the things that you are feeling , I am certain your daughter is aware of and feels them too on some level. She needs to be protected from addcition.
I hope you stick around, you will get a lot of support from many wise and compassionate folks here who have been through or a going through exactlywhat you are.
Leaving may just be your best bet at this point, it sounds like his addiction is in full swing, he will not do anything to change things, doesn't sound like he is anywhere near his bottom.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,423
Welcome.
There's lots of support here for you.
I have raised 2 kids on my own for 6 years after my husband & I split up due to drug use (both of us).
I got clean & started life over with me & the kids.
They are doing so well now it's amazing & I want them to know right from wrong.
Good for you for wanting whats best for your child.
There's lots of support here for you.
I have raised 2 kids on my own for 6 years after my husband & I split up due to drug use (both of us).
I got clean & started life over with me & the kids.
They are doing so well now it's amazing & I want them to know right from wrong.
Good for you for wanting whats best for your child.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 462
do what is best for you and your daughter. from what i have learnt in here is that a child that is brought up in a house with addiction, is far more likely to become an addict or a codependent themselves.
you cant change him or control his addiction. he has to do and want that. sounds that maybe moving out is your best option right now. you will be strong enough, and you sound like you will be just fine and be a great mum to your daughter. if you decide to stay then strap yourself in for one hell of a ride, and no matter what your decision, please read all you can on this site. knowledge is power for you. i wish you and your daughter all the best.
you cant change him or control his addiction. he has to do and want that. sounds that maybe moving out is your best option right now. you will be strong enough, and you sound like you will be just fine and be a great mum to your daughter. if you decide to stay then strap yourself in for one hell of a ride, and no matter what your decision, please read all you can on this site. knowledge is power for you. i wish you and your daughter all the best.
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 864
Addiction is a progressive disease. And while the spiral down can be faster with some, slower with others if he doesn’t stop he will get worse and worse. That is an absolute truth…In time the pills of today won’t cut it anymore and he will move to different stronger pills or just to heroin which is way more cost effective…always in good time.
What to expect, that is simple, with him content on living how he is you can be sure he will just progress further in as all addicts do.
What to do … well if you really don’t see much left between you two then why are you still there? You will not be able to get him to stop, and if love or if children were enough to get them to see then none of us would be here. So if he is content on how he is living, then let him live it exactly his way. Do not stop him because there is learning in this, important lessons that will give him a chance.
In terms of enabling. Does he contribute to the household, and if not why is he there? He doesn’t need a free ride from anyone. He also shouldn’t be seen as incapable just because he is an addict…that is one view that is a huge part of the problem in terms of where we contribute…we see them as sick people, who couldn’t possibly know what they should or shouldn’t do …any help usually has the opposite effect and keeps them trapped in their disease. That includes enabling, making excuses for, fixing mistakes, covering up to save face for them It order to understand what it really means to be an addict, the addict needs to feel the consequences of their actions.
Read, and then read some more, on enabling, on addiction, on codependency. Educate yourself to give and your child the best chance. And the most important thing find some recovery for YOU, that is what in the end will save you and the recovery of those watching really does have a positive effect on the addicts in their lives…
What to expect, that is simple, with him content on living how he is you can be sure he will just progress further in as all addicts do.
What to do … well if you really don’t see much left between you two then why are you still there? You will not be able to get him to stop, and if love or if children were enough to get them to see then none of us would be here. So if he is content on how he is living, then let him live it exactly his way. Do not stop him because there is learning in this, important lessons that will give him a chance.
In terms of enabling. Does he contribute to the household, and if not why is he there? He doesn’t need a free ride from anyone. He also shouldn’t be seen as incapable just because he is an addict…that is one view that is a huge part of the problem in terms of where we contribute…we see them as sick people, who couldn’t possibly know what they should or shouldn’t do …any help usually has the opposite effect and keeps them trapped in their disease. That includes enabling, making excuses for, fixing mistakes, covering up to save face for them It order to understand what it really means to be an addict, the addict needs to feel the consequences of their actions.
Read, and then read some more, on enabling, on addiction, on codependency. Educate yourself to give and your child the best chance. And the most important thing find some recovery for YOU, that is what in the end will save you and the recovery of those watching really does have a positive effect on the addicts in their lives…
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: TELFORD
Posts: 21
Thank you all for your wise words and support. Its really hard when you know what the right decision is, but it is so hard to let go. All I really want back is our family and happiness, but I know deep down it will never be the same. Thanks again to everyone this site is truly a blessing!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 2,282
>>>> but I know deep down it will never be the same<<<<<
The recognition of this fact was when I decided to let go.
It wasn't easy,the curiousity kills you--but seldom do we
get the chance to close Pandora's box.
The recognition of this fact was when I decided to let go.
It wasn't easy,the curiousity kills you--but seldom do we
get the chance to close Pandora's box.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 140
ApPLeOfMYeYe, sorry it's a few days late, I haven't been on SR in a while. Welcome to the site - you'll find some very helpful people here. I wish the best for you, your daughter, and your boyfriend. I'm currently pregnant and don't actually have any children yet, but I already understand how much more complicated a child can make a situation like this. I hope you're able to make the best decisions for you and your daughter, even though I know they're sometimes very difficult to even think about. It sounds like you are ready to move on from him already, which is probably a blessing. Personally, I think if you feel that's the best thing to do, it probably is. Doesn't mean he can't be involved in his daughter's life once he decided to get clean and stop living this way. It's better for your daughter to not have a father at all over having a father that's an addict, not dependable, and high all the time. If he wants to be in her life, he needs to do the work.
Incitingsilence is right. It will progress and become worse if he doesn't get help and stop now. My bf started off doing pills and I told myself it wasn't that big of a deal, it wasn't anything major and he's get tired of it. It went in the complete opposite direction and he started smoking heroin because it was an even better high and a cheaper one. Then he started injecting the heroin because the high came much quicker and stronger. Get out or distance yourself before it gets worse. Don't get sucked in as he spirals down. I really wish I could follow my own advice.
Originally Posted by incitingsilence 
Addiction is a progressive disease. And while the spiral down can be faster with some, slower with others if he doesn’t stop he will get worse and worse. That is an absolute truth…In time the pills of today won’t cut it anymore and he will move to different stronger pills or just to heroin which is way more cost effective…always in good time.
What to expect, that is simple, with him content on living how he is you can be sure he will just progress further in as all addicts do.
Read, and then read some more, on enabling, on addiction, on codependency. Educate yourself to give and your child the best chance. And the most important thing find some recovery for YOU, that is what in the end will save you and the recovery of those watching really does have a positive effect on the addicts in their lives…
What to expect, that is simple, with him content on living how he is you can be sure he will just progress further in as all addicts do.
Read, and then read some more, on enabling, on addiction, on codependency. Educate yourself to give and your child the best chance. And the most important thing find some recovery for YOU, that is what in the end will save you and the recovery of those watching really does have a positive effect on the addicts in their lives…
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Since he lost his job ( common stuff in an addict's world) how does he pay for his drugs? Is he dealing or stealing or using family financial resources?
People in active addiction and early recovery make lousy parents. The drugs always come before everything else. The chaos addiction brings into a home is not something any child should have to endure.
Children in these enviornments are far more likely to grow with a distorted sence of normal or believe they don't deserve normal and this baggage shapes them as they move on to adulthood.
" I will not expose my child to someone in active addiction -early recovery" is a boundary that can be established to protect a minor child. A boundary is only as good as the setter's willingness to enforce it, meaning the setter either removes the addict or the child from the situation.
People in active addiction and early recovery make lousy parents. The drugs always come before everything else. The chaos addiction brings into a home is not something any child should have to endure.
Children in these enviornments are far more likely to grow with a distorted sence of normal or believe they don't deserve normal and this baggage shapes them as they move on to adulthood.
" I will not expose my child to someone in active addiction -early recovery" is a boundary that can be established to protect a minor child. A boundary is only as good as the setter's willingness to enforce it, meaning the setter either removes the addict or the child from the situation.
turning red!
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: hong kong
Posts: 254
ahhhhh i posted a long answer and lost connection and it's lost 
Since i don't want to repeat myself i just wanted to say that i am in the same position, more or less, with a heroin addict and a 4.5yrs daughter.
I've been with him for 12 years and gone through all the stages (kicked him out, rehabs, prison, lived abroad etc etc) and let's say it's a very long/tiring/difficult road ahead. (and in my case, it is getting better as he's been doing better, but no way it's the end of the road)
Thinking of you in this hard time. He indeed doesn't seem near wanting to get better at the moment...
xx
Since i don't want to repeat myself i just wanted to say that i am in the same position, more or less, with a heroin addict and a 4.5yrs daughter.
I've been with him for 12 years and gone through all the stages (kicked him out, rehabs, prison, lived abroad etc etc) and let's say it's a very long/tiring/difficult road ahead. (and in my case, it is getting better as he's been doing better, but no way it's the end of the road)
Thinking of you in this hard time. He indeed doesn't seem near wanting to get better at the moment...
xx
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Join Date: Oct 2012
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He was such a great person when we first got together and then this. This is the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with. I am just at a loss, deep down I know what the right thing is for my daughter and I. Its just so incredibly hard to let go. IDK what it is.... I guess i am afraid to leave him because I am afraid what will happen to him. I really want him to be there for his daughter. I want him to get help and be ok...not for our sake as much as for our daughter. I love my daughter with all my heart she means the world to me.... and only want to give her the best. This has really put a lump in my throat. I know he can not be the best dad he could be doing this pills cause the pills are more important to him. Its just excepting the fact that this is all happening. He says he is doing better and tampering himself off...do i believe that no but i also don't believe anything that comes out of his mouth at this point. I know actions speak louder than words and his actions are telling me his isn't getting better but possibly worse. I really want to believe he is trying to do better. I guess i am just full of guilt for almost wanting to leave this situation. i feel as though if i leave i am leaving him with this horrible problem by himself and scared if i do walk he might never get help or something horrible will happen to him. There might not be love between us anymore but i still care about him though. It also bothers me that within the last two years he went from eating them to snorting them!! does that make a difference on it making it harder to quit? I just don't think i can ride this roller coaster for much longer especially with having my daughter. I am just scared i guess to leave!! 
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 140
If you want the best for your daughter, then that's probably leaving him and removing her from the situation. Really, it doesn't mean you have to leave him forever, but just separate yourself for now for your sake and your daughter's sake.
I completely understand that feeling that if you leave him you may be doing more harm and cause him to go further into the addiction. You have to get past that thinking because it's just not true. Once someone is so involved in an addiction, they're going to get worse whether they have loved ones there or not. Then you'll be there, sacrificing your own life in the hopes that you being there will somehow make it easier for him to get help.
In all honestly, you'll probably be doing the best thing you could for him by leaving. He needs to see the consequences of his actions. Maybe losing you and his daughter and whatever support your provide by staying with him will help him to realize he does need to get help.
I don't know what pills he's using, but he's likely snorting them to get a faster high. I think it's a sign that his addiction is definitely progressing. He will likely start taking high doses as well, and that's what will start to make it even harder to quit.
I completely understand that feeling that if you leave him you may be doing more harm and cause him to go further into the addiction. You have to get past that thinking because it's just not true. Once someone is so involved in an addiction, they're going to get worse whether they have loved ones there or not. Then you'll be there, sacrificing your own life in the hopes that you being there will somehow make it easier for him to get help.
In all honestly, you'll probably be doing the best thing you could for him by leaving. He needs to see the consequences of his actions. Maybe losing you and his daughter and whatever support your provide by staying with him will help him to realize he does need to get help.
I don't know what pills he's using, but he's likely snorting them to get a faster high. I think it's a sign that his addiction is definitely progressing. He will likely start taking high doses as well, and that's what will start to make it even harder to quit.
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Originally Posted by outtolunch
Since he lost his job ( common stuff in an addict's world) how does he pay for his drugs? Is he dealing or stealing or using family financial resources?
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Originally Posted by kyles
I don't know what pills he's using, but he's likely snorting them to get a faster high. I think it's a sign that his addiction is definitely progressing. He will likely start taking high doses as well, and that's what will start to make it even harder to quit.
He is using percocets, whatever kind of them he can get.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by ApPLeOfMYeYe
I guess i am just full of guilt for almost wanting to leave this situation. i feel as though if i leave i am leaving him with this horrible problem by himself and scared if i do walk he might never get help or something horrible will happen to him.
Thus far you and your child have stayed and his horrible problem has escalated. His addiction is likely to progress no matter if you stay or leave.
You did not cause this.
You cannot control this.
You cannot cure this.
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