I'm done.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: El Paso, TX
Posts: 22
I'm done.
My husband, and his super compulsive personality, LOVES to gamble, especially play poker. He loves nothing more than to sit outside, smoking, drinking a beer, and playing the Pokerist app on his phone. It's not real money so I never thought much of it, until yesterday. Someone on another forum asked me if he plays any online games. I said "yeah, Pokerist." They told me that there are live chats you can join and a lot of people aren't there for the poker if you know what I mean.
I have suspected cheating (probably not physical but certainly emotional and sexting) for a while now but have never had the cajones to "spy" on him. He, however, gets into my Facebook, email, phone and even journal and gets SO mad at the things I write.
For instance, I have been talking to a friend via Facebook messaging about my problems. He saw the messages and was so irate that I would share the things he's done that hurt me with a "complete stranger." She is actually a very good, long-time friend whom I've confided in for 19 years. HE just doesn't know her very well. But back to my point, he was so mad that he had a bag packed and was ready to leave that day.
I'm so ashamed. I took his phone into the bathroom last night and looked through it. Sure enough, on Pokerist he flirts with, asks for pictures and phone numbers/emails, and compliments some very beautiful women. He tell them that he's younger than he is and that he is not married. If they ask about kids, he says he has 3 (doesn't count my 4 kids but only his three).
I'm devastated.
I know this doesn't have much to do with alcohol/substance abuse, but I need to vent this all the same. He is an alcoholic who has himself convinced that because right now he's able moderate (only weekends), he doesn't have a problem. I have been so torn on whether I should stay or leave him but now, I'm positive that this is over.
I didn't confront him about this today as I do not have a plan in place but I will soon. I'm so scared. So utterly sad. Even on 450mg of Wellbutrin I can't stop crying! He's let me down so, so much. He spends hours on end "playing poker" and cruising porn sites but can still come up to me several times a day, kiss me and tell me how much he loves me?! It's bad enough to know I'm already #2 to his beer! And my kids love him to pieces; they call him dad. They're going to be crushed when we split up.
To make things harder on me, he deploys in 10 weeks and next week he should have official orders in hand. He, knowing we've had a problems and our marriage has been teetering for a while, asked my very sincerely if I was going to stay. The last thing he says he wants is to have me leave right before or during his deployment. "War is already depressing enough", he said.
I'm gonna go crawl under a rock.
I have suspected cheating (probably not physical but certainly emotional and sexting) for a while now but have never had the cajones to "spy" on him. He, however, gets into my Facebook, email, phone and even journal and gets SO mad at the things I write.
For instance, I have been talking to a friend via Facebook messaging about my problems. He saw the messages and was so irate that I would share the things he's done that hurt me with a "complete stranger." She is actually a very good, long-time friend whom I've confided in for 19 years. HE just doesn't know her very well. But back to my point, he was so mad that he had a bag packed and was ready to leave that day.
I'm so ashamed. I took his phone into the bathroom last night and looked through it. Sure enough, on Pokerist he flirts with, asks for pictures and phone numbers/emails, and compliments some very beautiful women. He tell them that he's younger than he is and that he is not married. If they ask about kids, he says he has 3 (doesn't count my 4 kids but only his three).
I'm devastated.
I know this doesn't have much to do with alcohol/substance abuse, but I need to vent this all the same. He is an alcoholic who has himself convinced that because right now he's able moderate (only weekends), he doesn't have a problem. I have been so torn on whether I should stay or leave him but now, I'm positive that this is over.
I didn't confront him about this today as I do not have a plan in place but I will soon. I'm so scared. So utterly sad. Even on 450mg of Wellbutrin I can't stop crying! He's let me down so, so much. He spends hours on end "playing poker" and cruising porn sites but can still come up to me several times a day, kiss me and tell me how much he loves me?! It's bad enough to know I'm already #2 to his beer! And my kids love him to pieces; they call him dad. They're going to be crushed when we split up.
To make things harder on me, he deploys in 10 weeks and next week he should have official orders in hand. He, knowing we've had a problems and our marriage has been teetering for a while, asked my very sincerely if I was going to stay. The last thing he says he wants is to have me leave right before or during his deployment. "War is already depressing enough", he said.
I'm gonna go crawl under a rock.
Bunnies!
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 1,905
You had your hands full enough without this. I'm so, so sorry. Finding out your partner is cheating on you is a shot to the gut for anyone. I know that feeling all too well, like the walls are closing in and everything starts spinning. A's are master manipulators and lying becomes a method of survival with codependent partners. I hope you're thinking about your plan to leave, sooner rather than later.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
He has violated his responsibility to you to be honest, faithful and respectful of you as a treasured and beloved spouse.
You do not owe him fidelity. You do not owe him anything.
He has multiple addictions and they are all untreated. He is a liar and a cheater and an emotional abuser. Do not make excuses for him. You may be tempted to do so. But do not rationalize nor minimize his drinking, his compulsive "pokerist", or his sex addiction. They are all deeply destructive behaviors which he alone is responsible for. They violate your marriage, your children, and you.
Your higher self did the right thing, prompting you to check the phone. You needed the information that act provided.
You do not have to make any decisions concerning divorce today. But a legal separation from an addict who has no interest in recovery is perfectly justified.
Your children will be okay if you are okay. So get some help for yourself to make sure you are okay.
You are more than this, you deserve more than this. Believe in yourself, do not let his sick behaviors and sick thinking make you doubt your worth and your loving nature, your beauty and your light. Do not let his addiction poison you.
Get some help. And love yourself enough to believe you deserve a man who is faithful, honest, kind, and brave. A drunk with a phone full of porn is not that man.
You do not owe him fidelity. You do not owe him anything.
He has multiple addictions and they are all untreated. He is a liar and a cheater and an emotional abuser. Do not make excuses for him. You may be tempted to do so. But do not rationalize nor minimize his drinking, his compulsive "pokerist", or his sex addiction. They are all deeply destructive behaviors which he alone is responsible for. They violate your marriage, your children, and you.
Your higher self did the right thing, prompting you to check the phone. You needed the information that act provided.
You do not have to make any decisions concerning divorce today. But a legal separation from an addict who has no interest in recovery is perfectly justified.
Your children will be okay if you are okay. So get some help for yourself to make sure you are okay.
You are more than this, you deserve more than this. Believe in yourself, do not let his sick behaviors and sick thinking make you doubt your worth and your loving nature, your beauty and your light. Do not let his addiction poison you.
Get some help. And love yourself enough to believe you deserve a man who is faithful, honest, kind, and brave. A drunk with a phone full of porn is not that man.
Iceberg Ahead!
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Out at Sea
Posts: 1,177
Sorry Derbygirl, I have to call this one as I see it because it seems so clear now. 
What you've just written and what I saw of your other posts: It's ALL about him. What HE wants, how HE goes about working you or others, and what HE gets.
His whispering he loves you - it's just manipulation. So very sorry but true. I know, I can smell it a mile away because it was done to me too. And not just whispered, but also written in notes, texts and cards, and adamantly pronounced. All the while cheating. All the while playing and emailing and texting. All the while neglecting the kids. All the while plotting her next landing spot on another bed. All the while manipulating. All the while drinking and using and even driving. And also saying she needed time apart because home would be dangerous to her "sobriety" according to her rehab counselor - all a lie (I checked with the counselor) and cover for her real plan. All the while pretending, even at and after rehab and even about sobriety and "working the program." All about HER. The kids and I were just "collateral damage" and she actually said that in a text to me after she left.
Al-Anon was my life-saver.
P.S. Why wouldn't it be the worst FOR HIM if you left him after he returns from deployment, when he made it out alive and his wife and family that he's been missing so much desert him then? Because it's BS, and he wouldn't have been missing y'all like that while deployed (his thinking) - so no biggie for him. If you leave while he's deployed then he loses all control though. If you leave before he's deployed, everybody on base will know it, he will have all that to deal with before he leaves, and he will have nothing in place yet to take your place.
What you've just written and what I saw of your other posts: It's ALL about him. What HE wants, how HE goes about working you or others, and what HE gets.His whispering he loves you - it's just manipulation. So very sorry but true. I know, I can smell it a mile away because it was done to me too. And not just whispered, but also written in notes, texts and cards, and adamantly pronounced. All the while cheating. All the while playing and emailing and texting. All the while neglecting the kids. All the while plotting her next landing spot on another bed. All the while manipulating. All the while drinking and using and even driving. And also saying she needed time apart because home would be dangerous to her "sobriety" according to her rehab counselor - all a lie (I checked with the counselor) and cover for her real plan. All the while pretending, even at and after rehab and even about sobriety and "working the program." All about HER. The kids and I were just "collateral damage" and she actually said that in a text to me after she left.
Al-Anon was my life-saver.
P.S. Why wouldn't it be the worst FOR HIM if you left him after he returns from deployment, when he made it out alive and his wife and family that he's been missing so much desert him then? Because it's BS, and he wouldn't have been missing y'all like that while deployed (his thinking) - so no biggie for him. If you leave while he's deployed then he loses all control though. If you leave before he's deployed, everybody on base will know it, he will have all that to deal with before he leaves, and he will have nothing in place yet to take your place.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
If the handwriting is on the wall, don't erase it, read it.
Like you, I came to the turning point where AH's behavior was intolerable, and my choice was to leave. He was an abusive alcoholic, gaslighting, Stockholm syndrome, and I eventually came to understand, a narcissist underneath that throughout it all. It was the porn, though that did it for me. He charged hundreds of dollars on my credit card for on-line porn. I left home with my dog and a suitcase several hours after the credit card fraud squad told me that, on July 4th, amidst the fireworks and the thunder and lightening. I filed for divorce the next week.
We all do - or don't - get to a point of realization in our own way and our own time. If you have gotten there, then have faith in yourself and do whatever you need to do to take care of you and your children.
For me, this behavior was the termination of the marriage; it ripped the thin threads that still joined me to him, and it was done.
Only you can tell if this is where you are, but if it is, go in good faith, go in the honesty of knowing that your loyalty must be to yourself and your children since he has no loyalty at all to any of the values that must be present for a marriage to function, for a marriage to thrive.
Sometimes the alcoholics in our lives get to a place where we can't help them anymore, even a place where they can't be helped. That is not our fault; it is not ours to fix; it can't necessarily be fixed. A triage nurse in an emergency room has to decide in a crisis which patients can be saved. We also have the right to make that decision, especially when, like you, you have children.
I understand the shock and the betrayal you must be feeling, and it is so painful and unbelievable. My emotions were a rollercoaster which has gradually lost its turbulence as I settle in on my own, now 3 and a half months later.
And it is so much better. Peaceful, calm, freeing. Who I am is beginning to re-surface after 20 years in that marriage, and I am more and more often content. I don't feel chased by the invisible devil of alcoholism and abuse anymore. I have shut my door to anyone treating me like that ever again.
I am opening my door to who I want to be again.
I have moments of disbelief of what I have done, I have moments where I cry, I have moments where I long to be back with him, to laugh with him, to share conversations that woke my brain, and then the longing passes as I remember the damage he did and the unbelievable harassment and stress of living with him and his alcohol, porn, rage, and abuse.
It wasn't that I didn't love him. I loved him too much. It wasn't that nothing was good. It was that when the good and the bad were added up, the sum was so dark that it was killing my soul.
They say here "take the next right step" and sometimes that is a little step, and sometimes that is a giant step. If you feel this way, get your plan together and get you and your children home to your family for the holidays and start healing together.
As SouthWest Airlines says "You are free to move around the country".
Hugs and support to you and your kids. Come back here often, we're all here for you.
ShootingStar1
(formerly posted as BothSidesNow)
Like you, I came to the turning point where AH's behavior was intolerable, and my choice was to leave. He was an abusive alcoholic, gaslighting, Stockholm syndrome, and I eventually came to understand, a narcissist underneath that throughout it all. It was the porn, though that did it for me. He charged hundreds of dollars on my credit card for on-line porn. I left home with my dog and a suitcase several hours after the credit card fraud squad told me that, on July 4th, amidst the fireworks and the thunder and lightening. I filed for divorce the next week.
We all do - or don't - get to a point of realization in our own way and our own time. If you have gotten there, then have faith in yourself and do whatever you need to do to take care of you and your children.
For me, this behavior was the termination of the marriage; it ripped the thin threads that still joined me to him, and it was done.
Only you can tell if this is where you are, but if it is, go in good faith, go in the honesty of knowing that your loyalty must be to yourself and your children since he has no loyalty at all to any of the values that must be present for a marriage to function, for a marriage to thrive.
Sometimes the alcoholics in our lives get to a place where we can't help them anymore, even a place where they can't be helped. That is not our fault; it is not ours to fix; it can't necessarily be fixed. A triage nurse in an emergency room has to decide in a crisis which patients can be saved. We also have the right to make that decision, especially when, like you, you have children.
I understand the shock and the betrayal you must be feeling, and it is so painful and unbelievable. My emotions were a rollercoaster which has gradually lost its turbulence as I settle in on my own, now 3 and a half months later.
And it is so much better. Peaceful, calm, freeing. Who I am is beginning to re-surface after 20 years in that marriage, and I am more and more often content. I don't feel chased by the invisible devil of alcoholism and abuse anymore. I have shut my door to anyone treating me like that ever again.
I am opening my door to who I want to be again.
I have moments of disbelief of what I have done, I have moments where I cry, I have moments where I long to be back with him, to laugh with him, to share conversations that woke my brain, and then the longing passes as I remember the damage he did and the unbelievable harassment and stress of living with him and his alcohol, porn, rage, and abuse.
It wasn't that I didn't love him. I loved him too much. It wasn't that nothing was good. It was that when the good and the bad were added up, the sum was so dark that it was killing my soul.
They say here "take the next right step" and sometimes that is a little step, and sometimes that is a giant step. If you feel this way, get your plan together and get you and your children home to your family for the holidays and start healing together.
As SouthWest Airlines says "You are free to move around the country".
Hugs and support to you and your kids. Come back here often, we're all here for you.
ShootingStar1
(formerly posted as BothSidesNow)
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 378
Oh Honey, so terribly hard.
Can you guys find a great marriage therapist and go in together? At the worst, it doesn't prevent a break up and at the best, you resolve a lot of issues, learn to communicate and change your dynamics.
I really encourage you to try this before you leave. Really do!
Can you guys find a great marriage therapist and go in together? At the worst, it doesn't prevent a break up and at the best, you resolve a lot of issues, learn to communicate and change your dynamics.
I really encourage you to try this before you leave. Really do!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,754
I know this doesn't have much to do with alcohol/substance abuse,
Actually they go hand and hand.
The addict needs instant gratification, that is what drives them, most everything they do is in an effort to feed the addiction, it's just another way to get a buzz.
Actually they go hand and hand.
The addict needs instant gratification, that is what drives them, most everything they do is in an effort to feed the addiction, it's just another way to get a buzz.
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