choublak

I have a problem with hypocrisy. Specifically, with people who give me advice, and it is good advice, but what makes me mad is, the people who give me this advice don't follow it themselves.

Why does this make me mad?

CentralOhioDad

Maybe they know it's good advice themselves, which it is, but for whatever reason they are unwilling/unable to follow through on it on a personal level.

On the outside it does seem hypocritical, but there may be underlying reasons that are unseen that keep them from following their own advice.

Instead of being mad, accept the fact that it IS good advice, thank them for it, and use it for your own good, and let them do with it what they want. As long as it's not detrimental to your well-being, it's really not doing you any harm.

choublak

Yeah but it's like... I have this mindset where, if you give me advice that you yourself don't follow, then you are in no position/have no room to give that advice to other people, if you can't follow it yourself.

CentralOhioDad

I understand that, but then aren't you judging someone's actions? And do you have that right?

Now, if you are being bombarded with lousy advice, then that's a different story. There's an old saying: "Don't look a gift horse in the mouth."

laurie6781

I totally understand!

Same thing with those folks that go to church on Sunday (one day a week) to pray and then spend the other 6 days of the week preying on their fellow man.

Unfortunately, not everyone can 'do as they say.' In these past 31+ in recovery I have learned how to do what I say MOST OF THE TIME, lol but I am not perfect and thus do not always follow my own advice, at first. However, as soon as a situation starts to cause me pain, I pretty damn quickly these days go back to my 'tools' and back to following my own advice.

Most of the 'suggestions' or ES&H I share I have done or am willing to do, including calling CPS, I have. Calling the cops, I have. Not only giving a person the DV numbers but helping them get there if need be. Going to Alanon, I have and do. Getting private counseling, I have. etc

When I run across folks that do not walk the way they talk I just take a 'pass' and have no future contact with these folks or as little as possible. That is what works for me.

J M H O

Love and hugs,

marie1960

I used to spend too much time wondering and thinking "why would somebody do/say that?" or "'what were they thinking?"

It really is out of my control what others think, say and do. Life is so much more pleasant for me since I just let it go....... I can only control and be accountable for my own actions and words. AND the biggest thing, I have distanced myself from those who rob me of my internal joy.

We can only lead by example.

choublak

Maybe it's not so much giving me advice as it is giving me a hard time and nagging me about stuff.

For example, I procrastinate and drag stuff out. My mom always nags me about this, but she is doing the exact same thing regarding her divorce...

marie1960

saying this very lighthearted, so could it be true when they say the apple doesn't far fall from the tree? you procrastinate, she procrastinates.

I am also a wait to the last minute person, then the mad scramble is on to get something accomplished. My youngest daughter does the same thing, and we keep promising each other to be more efficient, as we lay on the back deck enjoying the sunshine....... hmm.

choublak

Promising each other stuff is one thing, but no I'm talking like, she'll say, "you'd better get on that" I don't have a job right now, she says I should be applying for 20 jobs a day. And she literally means that.

lillamy

I know what you mean, and it annoys the heckouttame too.
On my good days, I try to view it as people encouraging you to do what they can't to so that maybe they'll be inspired. Or people identifying in you the shortcomings they're trying to avoid dealing with themselves.

My mom, who is very overweight, never talks to me (on the phone, in person, or by e-mail) without asking "So, have you lost any weight?" and it always makes steam come out of my ears.

TeM

Ah, yes... that makes a difference. I think it's different if you ask someone for advice, and they tell you what they think is the right thing, even though they don't do it themselves. It is possible to know what the right thing to do is, even if you can't or won't do it yourself.

Sungrl

Soemtimes the advice I give, that I can not myself follow is given in the hopes that others are stronger then I can be at the moment. I mean what I am saying, but am struggling to make good on it. I want to see others succeed and I can learn by example. Make sense??

marie1960

Choublak, Your mom and I must have attended the same nag, nag, nag Mama's class.

After my oldest daughter graduated from college she had big plans to take the summer off and lay around. I told her she could lay around all she wanted, just not under my roof. She had options, she could work in the family business/ or find something else. She was so pissed at me she took a job at a dairyfarm shoveling cow manure just so she did not have to be near me......

Not too long ago she was reflecting about her time on the farm, she said after working that whole summer on the farm, anything she does in life will always be easier than what farmers endure on a daily basis. I was only trying to prevent her from falling into a comfortable rut, she needed to be job hunting, and focused. The actual life lesson she gave to herself.

You do know, your Mom just wants the best for you. Sounds like she truly believes in you. We mom's are not perfect, and just as you kids did not come into this world with an owners manual, neither did we as mom's. (((((hugs))))

laurie6781

(((((Choublak)))))

Ahhhhh so it is mom and daughter. rofl Some day you will be a mom and probably
do the same thing. I know there were many times in the past with my kids, not so
much now, that I would catch myself as I said something because in my head it even
sounded like my mother's voice, rofl

There were 2 books that my sponsor had me read early in my recovery, partly be-
cause of my constant 'complaining' about my mother. Unfortunately, they are no
longer in print and like a nitwit I lent my copies to a sponsee years ago and never
got them back.

One is "Mother's Guild" and I do not remember the author.

The the other was "Jewish Mother Syndrome/Guilt" and again I do not remember
the author.

I still keep my eye out at yard sales, ebay, etc lol

Those 2 books opened my eyes up so much. My sister also read them, and we
were able to discuss them with each other and come to our own understandings
of our mother and yes our grandmother, roflmao. My sis and I say WE BROKE
THE MOLD and our children are now raising their children in the 'new way', lol
and it is such a wonderful site to see and hear.

I would suspect that your mom learned from your grandmother. What you can
do to 'ease' your frustration, is this:

Every time she says that or something else that is very irritating say:

"Yes mom." and CHANGE the subject. Do this EVERY TIME and it will sink in
eventually. But ......................... it will give you relief from your frustrations.
Or "No mom." and Change the subject. And if a conversation gets too heavy
for you, you can 'cut it short' with a simple "got to go mom will talk later." And
hang up.

She loves you and you love her. Sometimes, we just need a 'break' from each
other.

I am telling you here and now, she won't be here forever, enjoy your mom NOW.
Mine has been gone for 8 1/2 years now and although we had some really rough
periods, I miss her VERY VERY much, and sure do wish at times that I could talk
to her face to face or on the phone.

J M H O

Love and hugs,

Titanic

Two men are sinking in quicksand. The first one in tells the other to grab a vine and save himself. Just because the first one can't reach a vine doesn't make him a hypocrite.