theraven1957

Hi,

I have been married for almost 33 years to my husband, who is a crack addict. He has been using for about 24 years. This is his 5th trip to rehab. He was in for the month of August, back out for a week, relapsed and went to another rehab for another 30 days. He will be coming home this week. I would like to write a contract out for him to sign when he gets back. Anybody have any advice as far as what I should put in it?

Ann

Welcome to SR, you are among friends who understand here.

If he is a chronic relapser, nothing you put in a contract will make any difference. Even if he signs sincerely and with good intentions, a contract won't keep him from his drugs if he heads in that direction. I really hope this rehab will be his turning point and you won't need to worry about words.

What may help you more than anything is to find yourself an Al-anon, Nar-anon or CoDA meeting and work on your own healing. It will help you set boundaries which are about what YOU are and are not willing to have in your life but not rules or contracts for him.

He seems to repeat his behaviour, and again I hope it won't happen this time. But you don't need to remain "unchanged", you can begin working your own recovery program and rebuild your life into something beautiful...with or without him.

Glad you joined us.

Hugs

outtolunch

There is nothing you can write, say or do that will keep him sober or cause him to relapse. You are not that powerful. None of us are. Trying to change and control him will lead to mutual resentments and it does not work. He is going to live his life as he see fit to do.

Active addicts or those new to recovery make lousy parents and partners.
Coming home is not the only option. A Sober Living Enviornment ( SLE) is a far more natural progression between rehab and real life. A well structured SLE will hold him accountable for his choices and spare you the " here we go again" should he relapse.

His rehab can help him locate an appropriate SLE.

Impurrfect

((theraven)) - I agree with the above. Not only am I a recovering codependent, I'm a recovering crack addict. When I chose recovery, nothing was going to stop me. I left my bf who had no intention of recovering. Even though we shared the addiction, there was nothing I could do to convince him to give recovery a try.

I have several loved ones who are still in active addiction. The best I can do is keep my side of the street clean and allow them to deal with the consequences of their addiction, just as was done for me.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

theraven1957

Thank you for your kind words and thoughts. I was thinking more for myself, not him. I am finally after all these years coming to the realization that nothing I do or say will change what he does. Every other time he has been in rehab over the years, I said he would have to leave if he used again when he got back. This was the first time I actually told him to leave when he relapsed. He chose to go to another rehab. I sense something different about him this time (I am not naive). I will not even allow myself to hope that it will stick this time. My plan is to leave with my 16 year old daughter if he relapses again. I am in a tough situation as his 90 year old mother is living with us now (that is a story in itself), and I am not staying here with her and throwing him out. I think it took her living here and dealing with her that finally pushed me over the edge, and in spite of the fact that she has driven me insane, I am sort of grateful. For the first time in a long, long time, I feel like I can stand on my own 2 feet. I still love him. We have been together since we were 16 and 14, almost 40 years. I have always felt that if I left or made him leave, that he would die. Now, as heartbreaking as that would be for me, I don't want to stay in this and let it kill me. I have tremendous guilt about my 3 children, who are now 26, 21 and 16. The older 2 are boys, and they are not very open about their feelings about their Dad and everything that has happened. The 16 year old is a girl. I see now how she has suffered because of this. I can look back now to 21 years ago when I first found out that he was addicted to crack, and God how I wish I had left back then. My love for him and fear of being on my own, kept me from leaving, but I now realize how wrong it was to bring up my kids in this craziness. I have always said, but he works hard, he loves me, he loves his kids, blah, blah, blah, but have come to realize that none of that is really true. We should be fairly comfortable financially, instead we are right on the edge of financial ruin because of all the money he has spent. He is a retired police officer, and now has his own business that despite his addiction, is still managing to survive. Most of his hard work is frantically working to try to make up what he has spent. Yes, I believe he loves me and his kids, but I also believe he loves crack more. I have lived the last 20+ years in a state of fear, and I don't want to live that way anymore. For years, I could not imagine living without him, but now I can because I tell myself it couldn't be any worse than what I have been through already, that I have put my children, and especially my daughter, through enough. I would like my daughter to see that I was strong enough finally to walk away, that I didn't just stay and keep taking it. So, no, I am not looking for a contract to make him do or not do something, it is more about what I am going to do if he picks up again. It is that simple; if he picks up again, I am ready to go, FINALLY.

I sat up last night until about 3:00 a.m. reading posts on this site. I got alot out of it. Thanks for your comments, I appreciate it!