Backward step
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 237
Backward step
I've been doing really good on NC, resisted calling or texting X when I've really wanted to. I've found it particularly difficult these last few weeks as i'm working from home while I'm in a cast so a lot of time to myself. I've tried to arrange friends to come over etc. but it's been challenging.
Anyway, i tried to take my X off my house insurance and they told me he has to ring them, they can't do it without his permission (huh? I set up the policy, I pay the premium). So I texted him to ask him to call them and take his name off. He replies to say that's fine and then adds that he hopes i'm well and things improving in my life, that work is ok and thanks me for the great times we had and that i'm a great person.
So, I couldn't let it lie. My head was saying, ignore it, don't engage. But no, I couldn't. I don't know what I wanted to achieve, make my words make him do something? Change? Probably. Don't I know that's futile? Apparently not sunk in yet. So I reply that I don't want to be cold but he knows how I feela bout him and of course we had great times but sadly I feel drinking is more important to him than being with me so I'm trying to accept that and move on and I wish him well.
I wanted him to reply that he did want to be with me, that he was going to get help, that he wanted us to be together one day. But instead he replies:
"You're not being cold. I'm sorry for what's happened. I do care about you and always will. I do want you to be happy. I want the best for you and wish you all the luck and happiness you deserve."
I felt such pain at that message and keep crying since. Basically the underlying message he's telling me he doesn't want to stop drinking and yes, he's not prepared to give it up to be with me.
He used to say he'd stop drinking, he even gave up for six months (all for the wrong reasons). I know I have to move on and let go but it just made me feel so hopeless - I know he has to do it for himself but the fact he doesn't seem to want to do it for me anymore really hurt.
He's showing me that he has no intention of sorting himself out but I don't seem to want to listen. Why can't I get the message?
Anyway, i tried to take my X off my house insurance and they told me he has to ring them, they can't do it without his permission (huh? I set up the policy, I pay the premium). So I texted him to ask him to call them and take his name off. He replies to say that's fine and then adds that he hopes i'm well and things improving in my life, that work is ok and thanks me for the great times we had and that i'm a great person.
So, I couldn't let it lie. My head was saying, ignore it, don't engage. But no, I couldn't. I don't know what I wanted to achieve, make my words make him do something? Change? Probably. Don't I know that's futile? Apparently not sunk in yet. So I reply that I don't want to be cold but he knows how I feela bout him and of course we had great times but sadly I feel drinking is more important to him than being with me so I'm trying to accept that and move on and I wish him well.
I wanted him to reply that he did want to be with me, that he was going to get help, that he wanted us to be together one day. But instead he replies:
"You're not being cold. I'm sorry for what's happened. I do care about you and always will. I do want you to be happy. I want the best for you and wish you all the luck and happiness you deserve."
I felt such pain at that message and keep crying since. Basically the underlying message he's telling me he doesn't want to stop drinking and yes, he's not prepared to give it up to be with me.
He used to say he'd stop drinking, he even gave up for six months (all for the wrong reasons). I know I have to move on and let go but it just made me feel so hopeless - I know he has to do it for himself but the fact he doesn't seem to want to do it for me anymore really hurt.
He's showing me that he has no intention of sorting himself out but I don't seem to want to listen. Why can't I get the message?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: SAN FRANCISCO
Posts: 1,176
I guess there is a part of you that is somehow clinging to the hope that he will stop.
I know I did this for many years and then I reached the same conclusion as you, they are more interested in the bottle than they are in us.
I'm sorry that you have to go through this but you're not alone.
I know I did this for many years and then I reached the same conclusion as you, they are more interested in the bottle than they are in us.
I'm sorry that you have to go through this but you're not alone.
Iceberg Ahead!
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Out at Sea
Posts: 1,177
They hurt us in many more ways and more deeply than they'll EVER know. The disease is progressive - he would get worse if not working a recovery program diligently.
Now, you too need to recover. Al-Anon and some work on grief, or counseling, may help. Take care of YOU now.
Peace.
Now, you too need to recover. Al-Anon and some work on grief, or counseling, may help. Take care of YOU now.
Peace.
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