BlueEyedBoy

I cannot believe I am back to Day 1. This happens to me....I am sober for a while, and then have chronic relapses, one after another. 8 days ago I was hospitalised after a drinking binge, and swore this was it. I got a sponsor in AA, attended meetings every day, and started being honest with my partner, friends and family. Then yesterday I overslept and missed my morning meeting. I was seeing my GP at 5pm but felt an urge to drink. I knew my flat mate had wine in her room so I drank a bottle of wine to take the edge off. I felt so ashamed that as soon as I left the GP surgery I went to a bar. I was supposed to be seeing my partner, but couldn't face him after all that had happened and him being so supportive. I drank two glasses of wine and went home and began to self-harm, which is another problem I have.

My partner was ringing me but I refused to answer his call. My flat mate and best friend were both home when I came back and walked in on my self-harming, and made me stop. My partner came and brought me back to his home, and just held me all night as I sobbed.

I feel like I am totally lost in all of this. I am having therapy, anti-depressants, going to AA....and I am losing my mind. I just don't know what to do anymore, and I feel like I am ruining everyone else's life.

Sapling

There is only one thing you can do....Start over again and do what you were doing. If you don't pick up that first drink....And USE the support you have....You'll be fine.

BlueEyedBoy

You have knocked the nail on the head...I need to use the help I am given. I can't have pride anymore-not when dealing with a fatal disease like alcoholism.

Sapling

You use that sponsor's number like a lifeline....And have other's to back it up if she's not there. First thought of a drink...You pick up a phone...Not a bottle....It's foolproof.

BlueEyedBoy

The only thing I am worried about is pestering my sponsor....I feel like I will be interrupting them. But I feel deep down my sponsor wants to help so maybe he won't mind?

BlueEyedBoy

I feel like it is the drink which tells me not to reach out because it 'wants' me to indulge...and then I feel insane for thinking a drink can talk to me. Perhaps I am just bloody insane

Sapling

Do you really want to make your sponsor angry??....I mean really angry??....Drink before you call them. I can honestly tell you one thing right now. Your sponsor wants nothing more than for you to get alcohol out of your life....That's a gift to have someone like that....Use it.

Sapling

It is is a drink that tells you that...And it is the insanity they talk about in the second step....Are you reading the Big Book?

Natom

The drink is telling you not to reach out. If you need your sponsor you should ring them. They are there to support you.

BlueEyedBoy

I have been reading the Big Book....have read it several times, but am reading it again with fresh eyes. I feel like I can 'get' recovery if I put aside all my faults and DO WHAT IS SUGGESTED. I am keeping it very much in the hour at the moment and trying not to get ahead of myself.

Sapling

That's great....Doing what is suggested is key....If it didn't work...They wouldn't suggest it. Study the first 103 pages.....If you do what that says..(With the help of your sponsor.)....You can be happier than you ever thought was possible...And the drink problem will be gone......You know how I know that??....I did it.

bbthumper

"Practical experience shows that nothing will so much insure immunity from drinking as intensive work with other alcoholics."

That's a promise right out of the Big Book. Tells me that if I really want to stay sober I need to work with other alcoholics. Key word there for me is work. Don't get me wrong, talking to my sponsor helps, going to meetings helps, posting on SR helps, but none of that qualifies as intensive work. nothing compares to taking action in the program. I've said this before, AA is not somewhere I go, it is a way of life. Unnless I apply the steps in my daily life, I will not receive the immunity that the Big Book promises. The book tells us that we must work the steps quickly and get to the point where we can pass this along to others. If we don't, we drink. I believe that whole heartedly. I would suggest not just calling your sponsor, but working with your sponsor.

Wish you the best. Your life can and will get better if you follow what is suggested in our book.