mfox

I am waiting for the phone call - okay, not 'waiting' for it, I guess the correct word would be 'expecting'. It has been 5 days since he took his motorcycle (sold it for drugs I am certain since 6 days earlier he sold his truck for drugs). So I am expecting him to run out of money/drugs soon and call me for a ride home, for food, for a place to stay, for sympathy, for me to 'fix' him. He is a crack addict - although he is also hooked on methadone. He is nearly out of methadone so in addition from coming down from the 12 day binge, he should be getting extremely sick soon as well.

This is the worst it has ever been. He sold everything of value that he owns - for crack. This time I told him he can't come home. This time I HAVE TO BE STRONG. I have to let him go. I have to stop fixing everything and be strong enough to say "NO!". I have to be strong enough to be the amazing mom, friend and person that I am without allowing him to drag me into the gutter to clean up the mess he has made of his life. My life is too important - no, my kids' lives are too important - for me to allow myself to continue in this nightmare that has no solution.

I will always love him. He will always have a piece of my heart. But he is not the man I am in love with. That man is gone. So far gone. I can't sacrifice any more of my life - of my kids' lives - waiting for him to come back to me. I have lost him to a mistress far more inviting. I have to let him go. I have to miss him and I have to hurt so I can move on. So I can be happy.

So I guess I am looking for some support and encouragement. Some strength to NOT take that phone call that I know is coming soon. The strength to put myself and my family ahead of him and his addiction.... HIS addiction that I have allowed to rule OUR lives. Can't do that anymore. Enough already!

I just have to realize how much I have lost out on dealing with this. The times I could have been happy. The time I have sacrificed that should have been spent with my kids who have grown far too fast - and who, despite everything, are two of the most amazing people I have ever met. God so blessed me when he entrusted them to me. THEY deserve ALL of me. Not just the fragments left behind by an addict.

outtolunch

Are there minors living in the home?

mfox

I have a 15 and 17 year old, and yes, they live with me - their dad committed suicide 8 years ago.

I do NOT allow him here at all while under the influence, but I keep letting him come back after he binges for 2 or 3 days at a time every few months. I keep trying to fix him and hoping for the best - all the while knowing it is futile. My kids have watched me do this and that is my greatest regret in all of this. They deserve so much more. (feel free to tell me what a horrible mom I am for that, but trust me, you don't need to point out what is already blatantly obvious to me)

Like I said, it has never been like this. He threw away a job, a business, his home, truck, custom bike, and has sold all of his belongings for this - mostly within the last 2 weeks. I have changed the locks on the doors, am installing a security system on the house and am refusing to let him back into my life.

That being said, it doesn't make it easy. It is hard to say 'no' to someone you care about. So I am just looking for a little support from anyone who has been there. I know I am doing what is best for my kids and I. I don't feel guilty about it. I don't feel that this is my fault (I used to feel that way) and I don't feel responsible for what happens to him from here. I can only control what I do... my actions... including having the strength to NOT pick up the phone when he calls (although I won't know it is him until I answer because he sold his phone so I won't recognize the number he calls from). But, in that moment, I need the strength to remember that I matter and that I need to let him go. I need to tell him no. Let him find bottom without dragging me along with him.

I am a good person with a great life. A nice home, great job, wonderful friends and amazing kids. I deserve more than to be treated like this. I don't need to allow him to ruin any aspect of my life anymore.

I realize I am rambling, but I guess getting it out, saying it out loud, helps me feel better than allowing it all to roll around in my head.

LoveMeNow

YOU and your kids do deserve better!! Handing him over to God and allowing him to feel the consequences of his choices is the loving thing to do. I know it is hard and painful but there is really nothing else you can do.

kmangel

It's hard to say no but it is necessary if you want to do what is best for the addict. Try to accept that for him to hit rock bottom, you must not be his soft place to land. He's losing a lot right now and that is a good thing. He may come to his senses and decide to get help--as long as no one jumps in and rescues him. Hang in there.

LoveMeNow

Please don't beat yourself up being a "horrible" mother anymore. It won't help you get or stay strong. Forgive yourself and don't let anyone else shame you. Shaming just keeps us weak!

Ann

The pain you are walking through now will subside in time, you will heal and new beginnings will be presented to you and happier days ahead.

The pain of staying will never end, it will get worse and harder and eventually you and your children will be living in addiction hell with him, because if we don't let go we get dragged.

So I am cheering you on, cheering your chidren on...life is good and it's supposed to be lived well with sunshine and new days and things to look forward to.

You CAN do this! Because you are braver and stronger and smarter than you know.

Hugs

hello-kitty

Crack is a disgusting drug. People who use it do disgusting things. They lie. They cheat. They manipulate. They will destroy anyone and everyone who gets in the way of their first love which is crack and only crack. If you are not using crack with them, unfortunatley you are just a means to an end, by which they feed their addiction.

Here's what I had to do to get rid of the crack addict in my life (whom I thought I loved, but now I realize it was a sick twisted unhealthy kind of love, not a healthy respectful kind of love). He is also the father of my son.

I had to turn my phone off and stop answering it when he called.

I had to enforce a rule with myself of "I will wait at least 24 hours before I return any phone calls".

I had to change the locks and put his stuff outside.

I had to love myself and my child enough to be strong and stand up for what I knew was right, even if it was difficult at first.

I had to write down my personal values and my boundaries and the steps I would take when my boundaries were violated. One of which was:

I will no longer allow myself to be manipulated or lied to. I will give myself the respect I deserve and I will expect other people to respect me too. If they do not respect me, I will leave the situation.

I will not allow active drug users to use my house as a flop house where they sleep off binges. I will not let them in. If they do not leave peacefully, I will call for help - including the police if necessary.

I am sorry you are in the situation you are in. I know it's hard. It sucks the life out of you. You don't have to let a crack addict live with you, manipulate you and destroy your life and the life of your children. It's a choice. You've got to change because he isn't going to. If you don't think you can do what it takes, I hope you will get some professional help. Check out naranon or alanon. Read books. Talk to a therapist. Move.

Whatever it takes - one day at a time.

mfox

Thank you all so much! Well, for the record, I am still trying, but yes, it is hard. I have changed the locks, and the alarm system will be installed next week. I spoke to a Sheriff's deputy today about his "rights" since he has lived with me for the past 4 years - and I live in California where people have certain rights that they shouldn't be entitled to. They were GREAT! And made me laugh. They said that since he has been gone nearly two weeks and SAID he was moving to Oregon with his mom, well, he abandoned residence here. That I should put all of his stuff (that he hasn't sold) out in the garage or outside. That I should NOT answer the door if he shows up and that I can talk through a door or window to tell him to leave. He said he would be told to leave the premises if I called the authorities.

I also told them I was worried about who he might bring with him if he comes to my house and they asked if I had a gun (sorry if this offends anyone, but I am a straight up, home-grown, middle class mountain girl who was raised with guns - and with a RESPECT for guns so, yes, I do have one - and both of my teenage kids have had firearm safety classes). I told him I have a .357 and he recommended I get a shotgun (which I also have). He said that even if you don't have ammunition in it or any intention of using it, anyone who hears you rack a shotgun is likely not going to stay in the vicinity. Maybe good advice, maybe bad advice, but the fact that a Sheriff told me this was somewhat amusing at the time.

I am doing what I can to get him out of my life. I am trying to let him go and make sure my family is safe. And I think I am going to stay single for a while. Maybe get a plant or a goldfish or a puppy or something other than a man. Because this sucks.

hello-kitty

mfox. good luck to you. I think you are on the right track and I look forward to your posts. It's a "one step forward, two step backs" process sometimes, but it sounds like you are really making progress.

You have to be your own best friend and be firm. Just be careful. Crack addicts are very delusional. And I wouldn't want one anywhere near my gun (if I had one).

Maybe instead of a puppy you should get a huge, well-trained watch dog....

mfox

I guess I can say this right now, mostly because I still haven't heard from him and he's been gone for 2 weeks now on his little crack binge - letting go - letting him live his life, is easier than I expected. Or maybe its just that I have been putting up with his crap for so long that I am finally to the point that I can't take anymore. I know where he is. He is in a room in a dive motel in the valley with a bunch of hookers and crackheads. I even know which motel. I am not going looking for him and I am not losing sleep over it. There is still a knot in my stomach but I'm not sure if that is my fear for what HE is doing or my fear of how I will react when he does call. Last time I was strong. I cried, I told him I loved him, I wished him the best but told him he couldn't come home anymore. I hugged him, kissed him on the cheek and said goodbye. When he left it felt so final. I don't know if I will see him again. He may show up looking for more of his things, he may have already OD'd somewhere and no one has found him yet. I just don't know. Acknowledging that the amazing man I loved so desperately is gone is hard. But he IS gone. Whether he is alive or not, he is GONE. Like in 'Men in Black' when the woman is describing her husband after the alien took over his body - she said it was like he was wearing and "Edgar suit" = that's how I feel. He looks like the man I love, he sounds like him, but the man I love so deeply is gone. I will always miss that amazing man, incredible lover, and the best friend I've ever had. But he is gone. He gave is soul to a crack dealer.

Ann

So what nice thing are you going to do for yourself today mfox? He may be living in the dark hell of addiction, but that doesn't mean you cannot walk in the sunshine and find your own peace and happiness.

When I was feeling sadness and fear over my son's addiction, I found it helped to get out of myself for a while, finding a meeting or walking in nature or even in a good book that would take my mind someplace else.

How about you and I walk down to the coffee shop and fetch ourselves some nice cheesecake, and we can walk and laugh all the way back just enjoying life and all its beauty?

I'll get my walking shoes on...meet you on the corner.

Hugs

peaceandgrace

Dear mfox, you describe so eloquently the how it feels to lose the person we love to addiction.

Addicts truly do lose the soul that makes us human. I am wrestling with the concept of evil as an entity. It's as if an evil entity has taken up residence in the soul, sucking the human spirit out of what I call the real soul.

Since I deeply believe good triumphs over evil ultimately, I will continue to hope and pray for all of us effected by addiction and for our loved ones who have become lost to addiction.

You and your family will be in my prayers.

with compassion,

Peaceandgrace

mfox

Ann, What a great idea! And once our coffee and cheesecare are over I am working in my yard - Since he has been gone I FINALLY got a friend to remove the ugly stumps in my front yard that have been there since a snow storm knocked the trees down nearly 2 years ago (and I wouldn't have done it if HE were here). Now I am installing a sprinkler system so I can plant a lawn. What do you say next time we have coffee and cheesecake in my newly landscaped yard?

Thank you ALL for your support through this. I needed friends and, although we've never met, I truly consider all of you among my dearest friends.

My thoughts and prayers are with each and every one of you.

Ann

Next time we can have tea on the lawn, I shall bring my big hat and my butler who makes a wonderful chocolate mocha cheesecake...and clean up afterwards (well, he would if I HAD a butler, lol)

LoveMeNow

Ok, because I am still in reovery and need people to be happy- I will be the butleress. But you better not make a mess. (my controlling issues) lol

Ann

We will slop tea and cheesecake all over the lawn, so you may as well sit down and join us.

LoveMeNow

lol!! ok, I will just make sure I have my "ant be gone" spray with me.

mfox

Thank you all for making me smile. To be honest, right now I am not doing nearly as well as I was earlier today, when I was staying busy. Seems like it just hit me square in the face all at once. I am so scared for him right now. I miss him. I miss my friend. Seems like every emotion I have ever had for him has come bubbling to the surface and I just can't stop crying. I know it will take time. I know I will hurt for a while. I know there is no hope of saving him or of ever repairing the damage to our relationship. I am not tracking him down or trying to contact him. I know it is no use. But it just hurts so badly. I know this pain. It is so familiar. I felt it with my ex-husband when I let him go. But this is different. It is like I am walking away from the absolute love of my life. I miss talking to him, I miss watching baseball with him and hearing him play the guitar. I miss the way he would rub me down after a long day to help me sleep. He was so warm and compassionate and loving and perfect. I miss the way he would hold be and call me beautiful. I miss our dreams for our future, for our wedding, for the child we were hoping for. i just MISS HIM. And I am so scared that I will never see him again. No, I am not letting him come back. I wish him all the best. I hope he gets help. I will hit my knees and pray like never before for him. But right now I just hurt and I wish I could stop the memories, the heartache, I wish I could just stop loving him.

Lara

Dear Mfox what a tragic story - like so many here on SR. Sometimes it is difficult to put yourself first - if we did - none of us here (the ones who love the addict) would be here. There would be no need - we would have walked the moment the person we loved became an addict - or never had fallen in love with them on the first place. So what I would suggest - in that moment of 'weakness' - when your love for him, your need to put things right, your sense of loyalty to him, your sense of duty to him, becomes overwhelming - and you want to pick up the phone - open the door - rescue him....... and if you can't put yourself first...... then look at your two beautiful children who have already suffered so much with the traumatic death of their father.... if they are not physically in the house - look at a photograph of them - and then DO it for THEM. Don't let this man (who you once knew) walk back into THEIR lives. If you can't help yourself - help your children. You sound like a strong, loving mother. No mother in her 'right' mind would expose her children to the world of addiction. Yes, we learn as codependents to 'put ourselves first'.... but there is a soul on earth we must ALWAYS put first - and that is our 'non-adult' child - whom we are fully responsible for!!!
God bless you and your children