SoulOnFire

It's been a real struggle to hold on to my sobriety. Let me start from the beginning. I started drinking alcohol and smoking pot with my mom and her boyfriend when I was about 8 or 9 years old. Of course, my mom was one of those women who went through men like Kleenex. Soon, her and Kevin broke up, and she got with another guy. He was physically and sexually abusive. She wouldn't listen to me; she thought I was making it up for attention. Finally, I got sick of it and got out on my own. I always had older friends (mostly because I never went to school; was too busy partying with mom and her friends). Naturally, they are the ones I flocked to when I left home. Being a girl, I never even had to pay for drugs or booze. I would date older guys/dealers and everything was right there at my fingertips. As time went on, I fell deeper into darkness, until I had an accidental overdose on Christmas day 2009 and almost died. At that point, I decided I was going to try and get my **** together. I holed up at a sober friends house and detoxed. The worst. I quit doing everything; even drinking booze and smoking weed.

At an NA meeting in January 2010, I met my soul mate. He was perfect. well, it's been a year since that came crashing down. 14 months to be exact. We were together for over a year, and we were inseperable. He made me feel like no one ever did; like a a princess, like the most beautiful girl in the world. I had never knew love could be so amazing. He was my heart, my soul, my all. Like, after all the time we'd been together, I'd still get butterflies when he'd walk into the room and I still felt like the luckiest girl alive in his arms. It hurt in my chest when he was away. He always said the same thing. Always. We were so close all the time. Then, this new girl started working with him. I didn't even think about it. I trusted him completely. They struck up a friendship (or so I thought). Again, I just thought that it was him being him...friendly, a good guy. Well, they started hanging out a lot, and when he was around he was just different. He wasn't as close to me anymore. I still thought maybe it was because he hadn't been feeling well, and he was just run down. Boy was I naive.

I found out via FACEBOOK that they were a "thing". He had a work function that was "just a little work thing". I said fine...and then on his Facebook, one of his friends posted "it was great hanging with you and your lady tonight. Congrats, man." I was like WTF? Came to find out there was no work function. He was out with her.

When I confronted him, all he could say was "I'm sorry". He moved out that weekend, and within a month they were living together. They're still together and seem very happy. I've tried dating, but just can't get passed him. I compare others to him and no one matches up. All I can think about is him. I see him and it breaks my heart. Occasionally he'll call me and tell me he's sorry and he still cares for me, or he wants to make sure I am okay, and it just hurts more because I hear the compassion in his voice and it makes me feel like this past year never happened...then when the phone hangs up, reality sets in. Hell, even if I don't have contact with him, I can't shake him. Something always reminds me of him. A song...a certain episode of a TV show....someone will say something that reminds me of things he used to say...whatever, it just makes me think of him.


I worry about him. I worry that she doesn't take care of him properly. I worry about him being clean. I worry about him all the time. I miss him. I need him. They say everyone has a "one". If he's not mine, I don't know who is. Nothing has felt more right, therefore nothing has crushed my heart more than this.

He was in the hospital a couple of weeks ago for bleeding ulcers. I found out from a mutual friend, and went to make sure he was okay. She wasn't there. She was out of town visiting family. Of course, I stayed. Sitting there with him, watching ******** on TV and holding his hand, it was like we'd never parted. I felt a warmth and a serenity I hadn't felt since he left when I hugged him. I couldn't leave him when he was in so much pain. Now she's back and they're still in love and I am still alone.


Oh, and another thing...this bitch...a poem he wrote for me when we were together, she got a line from it tattooed on her ribs. I mean, really? He didn't even know you when he wrote it, and it pertained to things in my life he vowed to protect me from. What gives her the right? It's like she's taunting me.


It's like the more I try NOT to think about him, the more I do. I've lost desire to do so many of the things I love. I am almost always nauseous, no matter how long I sleep, I am so exhausted everything is a chore. I just...i don't know what to do to actually get over him. I know I have to. I just don't know how.

I've been drinking again since last October. Pretty heavily at times. I'm not a casual drinker. When I drink, I drink to pass out.


I've been trying my hardest not to fall back into old ways, but it's really hard. The alcohol isn't numbing enough anymore. The emotional pain...the physical pain...it's just all too much. I just feel worthless and I don't know what to do. He was my rock, my strength. He promised to always hold me up, and he hurt me and left me just like everyone else.


I feel so pathetic.

styxfan

I was the same way in a in a different way. I really feel for you still having those feeleings for him. Alcohol seems to be the way to go but if you have all the feelings of despair you need to help yourself. I went to a shrink and was diagnosed as bi-polar. I used to drink all the time and felt guilty the next day as I was a blackout drinker, very friendly but really drunk. I know this isnt the answer you are looking for but after starting the depression pills I felt a whole lot better about myself. However right now I am withdrawing from opoids (see my post) but the thoughts I tell you have helped me. Good luck and really feel bad for you about BF but it will pass.

SoulOnFire

Thank you. I really hope it passes. I just can't see an end to the way I'm feeling right now. My desire consumes me...and will destroy me. I am somehow managing a full time job and college, all the while drinking myself into a stupor every chance I get. The cravings for the drugs are immeasurable right now. I just...I don't know. I feel so lost.

I put up this facade in my day to day...people at work think I am a happy girl who loves life...that I'm tired because I go to school as well. They have no idea who I am.

I just want to disappear into a hole and be who I was apparently destined to be. This life wasn't meant for me.

Thepatman

You don't deserve what he did to you SoulOnFire. Don't be so hard on yourself.

Drinking the pain is only temporary. I've had the worst breackup myself with then one I tought I would spend my life with. Give youself time. Have you tried complete NC?

silly

Sounds like my friend, Vodka. :-)

I'm sorry, Soul. Relationships and life can be unbelievably tough. Can I ask, what else do you have going on in your life? Are you working or going to school? These things are important for us all. We make friends, we get smarter we support ourselves... It's not like it's fun all the time. Heck, it's not like it's fun most days. But it's ours, you know?

I had a girlfriend like this guy. I thought she was my rock. Another woman came into the picture 'as a friend' and I knew things would never be the same. There were tons of friends, don't get me wrong. But this one was somehow different. You know what I mean. I turned my head for months. Accepted the excuses. Let myself act like a dog practically! Told myself that I was the one with the problem. MAN the things I did because of that pain! An educated, gainfully employed, 25 year old woman crying in her livingroom and cutting herself, drinking until her hands couldn't reach the bottle. I hated that woman, that 'friend'. I did. I was so mad, so full of rage. My anger was red hot and it was directed at her. But look. She might be the worst person in the world. But keeping my relationship together was not her problem. At some point I had to redirect that anger and stop making excuses to keep loving a jerk! The friend wasn't the one that walked out. The friend wasn't the one that lied for months. The friend was just being a ****** person.
Just like you and his 'friend'/girlfriend. SHE didn't treat you that way. HE did. HE is treating you that way. He's not a rock. He's a rotting stump that probably can't hold up a newspaper. So why are you worrying about him? Holding his hand? There is someone out there that will be your rock. But you can't heal and you can't find him if you're still waiting for the rotting stump to sprout some leaves...

Okay, I didn't mean for that to go on so long... but I feel better!

SoulOnFire

I have tried no contact at all. After we broke up, I didn't talk to him or see him at all for probably like 6 months. I still thought about him constantly. He has been the only real constant in my life, and then when I lost him...I just. I don't know.

We ran into each other at a mutual friend's funeral in February, and it put me back to square one. That's when my drinking got really bad again. I've managed to stay away from narcotics, but it's been really hard. Some days the cravings are overwhelming. I just want to feel that nothingness again.

Since then, we've not talked often...I'd gotten a couple calls and texts from him, but we didn't see each other until he was sick in the hospital. I think seeing him in pain hurt me more than he was hurting.

I just feel so empty.

DisplacedGRITS

you can't change your past but the future is all yours to do with what you will. if this life wasn't meant for you, than shape your life into one that is. you sound like a really amazing person. goodness knows you seem smart, well spoken and obviously someone who knows how to work hard. you've got a lot going for you. and you're here now so you've got the support of hundreds, even thousands of people just here who want to see you succeed in life. we can all find a million excuses in life to drink. the person who truly wants sobriety can find a million and one not to. don't let the world beat you down. you have so much going for you, to see you rise above your addiction and trials is inspiring to others and can inspire yourself. you can fuel your own success as long as you see the strength in yourself. keep up the good work. it's great to have you as part of our community. you're quite the asset!

Hevyn

Welcome Soul. I'm sorry for all you've been through, and that the pain you're in has caused a setback.

I used alcohol to try & numb myself against pain, but I finally learned all it did was prolong everything. The pain doesn't go away until we face up to it and let our emotions run their course - without drinking or drugging. I know it doesn't seem possible, but eventually you will heal - and begin to live again. Drinking just makes us unable to cope and sends our anxiety off the charts.

You were on the right track, kicking booze & drugs out of your life - you can get there again and have a great life.

silly

oh, and I'm also not saying I have perfect relationships now. I'm struggling now as a matter of fact. But it's mostly about drinking/not drinking.

SoulOnFire

Yeah, I have a full time job, and I am in college. I'm just finding it harder rather than easier to take solace in these things and move on.

Yeah, maybe he and your ex are related. They sound like they were cut from the same cloth.

I agree with everything you say, and I know you're right. I just don't know HOW to get passed it. I don't know how to deal. I make myself sick every day thinking about it.

I knew I shouldn't have been there when he was sick, but I couldn't stand the idea of him laying there alone.

I'm glad I found you guys and this forum. My friends don't understand. They are just like he's an *******...move on. If only it were that easy.

MIRecovery

It may be helpful to do some research in the big book on resentments and how to deal with them. They are extremely harmful to alcoholics and should be dealt with to maintain sobriety. This is where a sponsor can be so helpful. Although none of us like to look at it we need to examine what our part in the resentment was. Seldom is it 100% the other person's fault as much as we hate to admit it. We know how to live in anger and fear and so when someone harms us we run back to what we know even if it is bad for us.

Sugarfix

I am so sorry you are going through this. It sounds like you had an amazing relationship - I can honestly say I have never felt those feelings for anyone after a few months, let alone after a year. That's real love right there

I didn't want to read your post and run - hope you manage to quit drinking and be strong. You are strong you know You may think you aren't coping but you are and you will get through this *insert cheesy quotes about time/healing*.

x

SoulOnFire

Thank you all so much. It means so much. I really do need to get myself back on track. I've been doing so great in school, and last semester I failed my first class because I just couldn't keep up. I was too sick, sad, and hungover all the time. I am only in one at a time right now because I didn't want to overwhelm myself (2 for the semester)...but I need to get myself back on track. I'd be graduating at the end of this semester had I not failed the course...now I have to go another semester.

I guess I'm not as much of a "functioning alcoholic" as I thought anymore, huh?

SoulOnFire

Thank you. <3 I am glad you understand. People keep telling me that those feelings couldn't have been real on his part...they were an illusion on mine...but I really don't think so. If he was away, he'd call every day, even call at night to sing me a lullabye because I said I couldn't sleep when he was gone. haha I refuse to believe he never really loved me. I just wish I knew what I did...what happened to make everything change.

hillOH

I'm 29 and have never been in an intimate relationship. After reading some of the stories here on SR, I don't think it matters when it comes to drink or drugs problems. When it comes down to it the only person that can take control of the problem is yourself. Try to break down your problems into manageable chunks: work, relationships, studies. A little bit of progress a day is better than disaster after disaster.

PaperDolls

I'm sorry you're feeling so much pain.

What about getting back to NA?

Sounds like you need a new higher power.

SoulOnFire

I may see if I can find a local meeting. Get back into NA, or at least AA. I stopped going when he and I met.

SoulOnFire

I'm thinking I may be ready, as I've finally joined this forum and opened up to talking about things.

justhadenough

I totally feel your pain-been in exactly the same position with a man who I thought was my true love.Looking back now I see a weak,shallow, self indulgent man,with no decent values-a man who betrays you,lies to you, lets you down isn't a good man,nor one who will enrich your life.

please don't waste the next few years,as I did,on a man who isn't worth it. you've had a lot of trauma in your life-maybe now its time to concentrate on loving yourself and getting yourself better. the past is gone,what's done is done, you can't change what he has done-but you can change your mindset,your thoughts and in turn your feelings to positive ones.

I would recommend you read a book called"Think Right,Feel Right" by Robert Isett.give it a try-it can't make you feel any worse and it maybe a great help

SoulOnFire

UGH...talking about it has been good...but bad. I've got myself sick again. My stomach is killing me. I tried to eat my lunch and two bites in, I got sick.