zorah

Everyone around me is so juiced that I got to 60 days. Since I've not gone beyond 30 four or five times I know it's an achievement.

But I'm going nuts. More than before. I feel like a caged animal in my program. The pressure is awful. I'm on the verge of jumping out. I know how it will be--I will feel elated and free for a day, then start drinking because I'm sure I'm on top of it now. I won't go into details now but part of this is that I stopped at an early phase of this disease. It was a forced bottom due to mental illness and medications that would put me six feet under if mixed with alcohol. The struggle to stay stopped feels crazy sometimes and then my brain says i'm imagining all this and that I'll be ok as long as I don't go too far. But then once I start, my whole life becomes about booze and then I have to decide, ok, I either die now due to the medications or I stop the medications so I can drink.

Sorry to sound so weird. I just feel this pressure on my head that makes me want to scream (recovery program) and then this vortex on the outside (booze) that's telling me all kinds of b------t. I have a sponsor and left a message with her; I went to a meeting which made me nuts, who knows why, etc. I just had to blow off steam here.

Thanks for listening.


Zorah

8thPhoenix

Zorah, you don't sound weird to me. I'm having a relatively easy time with my recovery, but it isn't the first time I tried. I have three kids and with each pregnancy I vowed I wouldn't go back to drinking when they approached toddlerhood, and every time, I was counting the days until I could pick up my old demon. This time, I'm hoping, I was ready. I hope this time it sticks. But I can't be sure; I don't think any of us can.

I started taking meds that treat people for both high bp and anxiety/PTSD. I take them at night because they knock you out pretty hard. There's a 'sweet spot' in the hours immediately taking them where your heart rate goes lower than it will the rest of the day. Mine has gotten as low as 50, and I'm not supposed to drink a lot w/ these meds because it can make my heart rate go lower. But even though I tried to moderate, I would still have those rollercoaster nights where I'd drink til I passed out. My boyfriend would stay up all night on those nights, checking my pulse and ready to call 911.

It doesn't matter what the right choices are, it's really really hard for us to make them. All I can say is keep fighting. Maybe when you push through this latest dark storm you'll find a better spot where you can finally begin to enjoy your recovery.

I'm rooting for you. *hugs*

MissyShelle76

(((Hugs)))) I understand. I'm on Day 9. Second attempt. And today, I am so sick of recovery, meetings, platitudes. I know it's just a day and overall, I'm grateful for recovery. But I understand and just know this, you are doing this for you, not anyone else. And 90 days? that's wonderful! Just know you are not alone.

hypochondriac

I am pretty sure that everyone has that caged animal syndrome no matter where their bottom was Zorah. It sounds like you have a good reason to not be drinking but I can understand the whole back and forth thing in your head. Sometimes I think I have imagined it all too. It's weird. When I have thoughts like that I just try my best to dismiss them as my AV and decide to stick with sobriety to see what happens. It's like a fun experiment!

Well done on 60 days x

IndaMiricale

Thank you for releasing the pressure here