Hello, first time here.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 3
Hello, first time here.
Hello all,
I am a 25 year old daughter of an alcoholic father. I am new to this whole thing; finally decided I needed to start finding a better way to live with his addiction. My mother turned me onto this site as it has helped her over the years. My dad was sober for 15 years all throughout my childhood and started drinking again when I was in high school. Since then, my mom and dad have divorced, my brother has pretty much stopped talking to my dad (his way of protecting himself), and I feel like I am the only person who still cares about my father. He has always been a wonderful dad and we have a great close relationship. However, when he is drinking, he becomes a different person as you all know. His drinking has become really bad and I feel like it is controlling my life. I cry all the time, and I am usually a very happy person. He has lived and breathed AA for years and knows what he needs to do, he is just not doing it, it's like he has gone too far and can't come back... This morning I was supposed to take him to the airport to get on a place to go to a recovery center and he backed out. That is why I joined this site. I don't know what to do. Any advice? Anything would help...
I am a 25 year old daughter of an alcoholic father. I am new to this whole thing; finally decided I needed to start finding a better way to live with his addiction. My mother turned me onto this site as it has helped her over the years. My dad was sober for 15 years all throughout my childhood and started drinking again when I was in high school. Since then, my mom and dad have divorced, my brother has pretty much stopped talking to my dad (his way of protecting himself), and I feel like I am the only person who still cares about my father. He has always been a wonderful dad and we have a great close relationship. However, when he is drinking, he becomes a different person as you all know. His drinking has become really bad and I feel like it is controlling my life. I cry all the time, and I am usually a very happy person. He has lived and breathed AA for years and knows what he needs to do, he is just not doing it, it's like he has gone too far and can't come back... This morning I was supposed to take him to the airport to get on a place to go to a recovery center and he backed out. That is why I joined this site. I don't know what to do. Any advice? Anything would help...
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,437
Welcome KEK! I know it's not easy, so sorry you have this in your life. It's important to learn how to protect your feelings right now. You are in danger yourself, not only your Dad. But we've said here that you need to grab the oxygen mask first before you can help someone else put theirs on. Does that make sense? Your Dad does know what he needs to do, you just have to wait for him to do it. It might be tomorrow it might not be. Protecting your feelings will be your oxygen so you don't do damage to yourself.
Please read through the stickies posted above, they are really helpful. Try reading a blog of a post you like. Try my blog, but it might be a little intense if your Dad was a nice guy, mine wasn't.
Have you thought about joining an alanon group? They can be helpful too.
Keep us posted how you're doing. Don't be shy.
Please read through the stickies posted above, they are really helpful. Try reading a blog of a post you like. Try my blog, but it might be a little intense if your Dad was a nice guy, mine wasn't.
Have you thought about joining an alanon group? They can be helpful too.
Keep us posted how you're doing. Don't be shy.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 179
Welcome KEK. Kialua gives good advice, Alanon is a great group for learning to deal with an active alcholic in your life.
That feeling that you have that you are the only one we has to rely on is an important one to identify. Is it something that you only feel, or does he bring it up? I used to feel that for my dad, but for me it was shame based. He made my brother and I feel that way so that we would stay in his life.
I still talk to him occasionally and visit him on Father's day. But I can't be an active part of his life. I was going down the path to become addicted, just like good ole' dad. I didn't want that. I couldn't remain sober myself as long as I was active in his life. Breaking ties was not easy, but ultimaly it was the best thing for me, and for him. He sobered up after that, and remained sober for close to 20 years. Unfortunetly he is drinking again. But, for a little while there my kids got to know a sober grandpa.
Good luck and keep talking, it helps.
That feeling that you have that you are the only one we has to rely on is an important one to identify. Is it something that you only feel, or does he bring it up? I used to feel that for my dad, but for me it was shame based. He made my brother and I feel that way so that we would stay in his life.
I still talk to him occasionally and visit him on Father's day. But I can't be an active part of his life. I was going down the path to become addicted, just like good ole' dad. I didn't want that. I couldn't remain sober myself as long as I was active in his life. Breaking ties was not easy, but ultimaly it was the best thing for me, and for him. He sobered up after that, and remained sober for close to 20 years. Unfortunetly he is drinking again. But, for a little while there my kids got to know a sober grandpa.
Good luck and keep talking, it helps.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 3
He made it to treatment.
Thanks for the warm welcome and words of advice and encouragement. Since my last post, things are looking up. He made it to a recovery center and I feel relieved for the moment. I still feel like I need to work on myself while he is working on himself. I too need to take it one day at a time. What are alanon meetings like?
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Join Date: Sep 2011
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That's great. Has he ever been to treatment before? How do you feel?
Alanon meetings are very different and not all the same. But basically it's a group of people that have loved ones that are alcoholics. They share stories, tragedies and triumphs. Some have strict rules of conduct and others are freer. You don't have to commit to it just to visit. At the meetings they have literature and working through the 12 step process. One goal is to stop trying to "fix" the alcoholic and another goal is to learn what "enabling" is and how it can hinder our growth.
If you try one, please let us know how it goes.
Alanon meetings are very different and not all the same. But basically it's a group of people that have loved ones that are alcoholics. They share stories, tragedies and triumphs. Some have strict rules of conduct and others are freer. You don't have to commit to it just to visit. At the meetings they have literature and working through the 12 step process. One goal is to stop trying to "fix" the alcoholic and another goal is to learn what "enabling" is and how it can hinder our growth.
If you try one, please let us know how it goes.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
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He has been to treatment before. A long time ago though. I am feeling at ease that he is safe, but also a little anxious/worried for him. I know he was scared going. I tend to share his feelings...I know, classic codependent. I also feel as though I'm betraying him every time I post on here. Is this a normal feeling that others have?
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Back East
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Originally Posted by KEK 
He has been to treatment before. A long time ago though. I am feeling at ease that he is safe, but also a little anxious/worried for him. I know he was scared going. I tend to share his feelings...I know, classic codependent. I also feel as though I'm betraying him every time I post on here. Is this a normal feeling that others have?
My big mistake, though, was that shortly before she came home, I read a book by George McGovern about his daughter, who died from alcoholism -- he described several instances when she had been in treatment for weeks or months, appeared to be doing very well... and then ran straight to a bar as soon as she was discharged from treatment. Not exactly what I needed to hear, at the time!
As for feeling disloyal, that's how my Mom felt, when she talked to us about possibly moving to assisted living (which my Dad did NOT want to do -- and in the end, refused to do). Normal, not unusual, in this kind of situation....
T
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,437
I know that feeling of relief well when my sister would go in for various treatments. I was so stressed previously that just to know she was taken care of flooded me with relief and went through that cycle of stress and relief for decades. (we thought she was an alcoholic but is now after 30 some years living in a home diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia)
Now...what about you? What are you going to do to help yourself now that you have some breathing room?
Now...what about you? What are you going to do to help yourself now that you have some breathing room?
Bunnies!
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 1,905
Welcome, KEK. You've gotten some great advice here. You need to protect your feelings and work on your own recovery. Just because everyone else has stepped away does not automatically make YOU responsible for your father. You aren't responsible for anyone but yourself. It's time to get to Al-Anon and step back for your own recovery. You can't fix your father. If he doesn't want to go to rehab or stop drinking, he won't. It's as simple as that. You'll drive yourself crazy trying to take care of him or make him stop, which it seems like the rest of your family has figured out for themselves. It's not easy, I know. For me, going No Contact with my AM was the easy part-- she'd made my entire life a living hell, so after 28 years, I said "Enough!" and quit talking to her. The hard part has been detaching from my grandmother, who will always be AM's biggest enabler and feels responsible for babysitting her.
The only real change I've noticed in my AM since I went NC and got into recovery is her bitterness toward me has increased. She can't blame me for everything anymore, and she can't suck the life out of my kids (7, 4 and one on the way), so she's pretty peeved. Has she changed her drinking patterns? No. My actions really have no bearing on what she does. That's how it works. We are not responsible for anything the A in our life does or doesn't do. It's so easy for them to lob the blame onto our side of the net, and as codies, we often absorb it instead of sending it back to the other side and saying, "Nope, you're not going to pin this on me. You're responsible for yourself." Getting into recovery will help you better understand how an A infects the entire family, and how to live your life and take care of YOU.
Keep posting, we're here for you!
The only real change I've noticed in my AM since I went NC and got into recovery is her bitterness toward me has increased. She can't blame me for everything anymore, and she can't suck the life out of my kids (7, 4 and one on the way), so she's pretty peeved. Has she changed her drinking patterns? No. My actions really have no bearing on what she does. That's how it works. We are not responsible for anything the A in our life does or doesn't do. It's so easy for them to lob the blame onto our side of the net, and as codies, we often absorb it instead of sending it back to the other side and saying, "Nope, you're not going to pin this on me. You're responsible for yourself." Getting into recovery will help you better understand how an A infects the entire family, and how to live your life and take care of YOU.
Keep posting, we're here for you!
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