How do I STOP looking 6 months into the future??
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: South Shore, MA
Posts: 13
How do I STOP looking 6 months into the future??
So, my AH is out of the house for minimum 6 months (been out for the past 3 weeks). He refused going away but has since started in an intensive day (actually night) treatment program. I haven't even asked how it's going b/c I'm still so furious & hurt and can't bear to hear him say "It's going really well and I'm doing great". He's been doing the "attempting to get sober" thing now for close to 2 years... and in the process has become a closet vodka drinker and there's been a LOT of lying and deceit. He's hurt and let down not only me, but more importantly our two sons (age 5 & 18 months... it was definitely taking it's toll on my 5 year old). Now that he's gone, I am focusing my attention on bringing sanity and calmness back to the house. I've also felt myself go from detaching... back to pissed... detaching... being sad... etc, etc. I wish I knew what our future holds b/c then I'd probably keep myself detached. I find myself worrying constantly about what will happen 6 months from now when it's time for me to "decide" whether or not to let him back in and try this again... and whether or not THIS time he will actually be committed to sobriety. Never in a MILLION years did I think I would be in this place in my life.... I'm smart, funny, pretty (so people say) and never settled for second best (never mind last place!) in any other part of my life. Sorry for the rant.... but I would love to know if anyone has experience with similar situation how not to obsess over it for the next 6 months! 
Iceberg Ahead!
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Out at Sea
Posts: 1,177
We pretty much all did the same things!
TODAY. One day at a time. Focus on that. Living MORE than one day at a time is ALWAYS hard. Living one day at a time IS what makes our "A" problem smalerl and more manageable. Not worrying about the future or all the risks. Not dwelling on the past or all the regrets.
One of the things I do, when I'm pushed forward or pulled back, is to concentrate on what is before me today, this hour, this minute.
Serenity to you!
TODAY. One day at a time. Focus on that. Living MORE than one day at a time is ALWAYS hard. Living one day at a time IS what makes our "A" problem smalerl and more manageable. Not worrying about the future or all the risks. Not dwelling on the past or all the regrets.
One of the things I do, when I'm pushed forward or pulled back, is to concentrate on what is before me today, this hour, this minute.
I take my "Make Sense" test. "What is that Sight, Sound, Smell, Savor or Sensation that I am experiencing right now?" I take in exactly what one or more of the Five Senses is experiencing. In full 3D-HD! THAT is living in the NOW, carpe diem.
Or I take my "What Am I Doing Right Now?" test. For example, I am driving my children at 60 mph on the freeway, I am being careful with all this traffic and this sunshine streaming through my windshield, there is no A in the car upsetting me, and I am headed in the right direction with a silly song playing on one of the kids' CDs. THAT is living ODAT. I am not in the past or the future. I am in the moment.
Use your energy, time and resources on what you can change for the better TODAY. Otherwise, it's a lot of waste. I have to remind myself that there are two days of the year that don't matter: yesterday, and tomorrow. Living ODAT is not always easy, but Easy Does It!Serenity to you!
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
I have experienced separation with an end date attached to it and for me it was awful. I obsessed every day about what would happen on the END DAY (for me it was three months and I initiated it with the alcoholic out of frustration and desperation). For me, having that potential DOOMSDAY specified on the calendar was a killer. I would do it differently, had I known then what would be its effects on me. I became obsessed, depressed, extremely nervous and shaky, and I was in Al-Anon and therapy and still had those effects. The primary reason for all that fear and obsession: I had given my future to HIM to decide. HIS choices were going to decide MY future. That is the mistake I made. I was a wreck, waiting to see what he would do and whether or not it would bring me more devastating news. I had already suffered so much.
I assume you made your AH leave? And did you spontaneously set the 6-month deadline? (My demand for a separation flew out of my mouth when I didn't even, one minute before, sense it coming on. I demanded it and I set it at three months. All out of the blue).
What I want to say is that even though those three months nearly killed me, my Higher Power was at work in ways I did not then realize. During that three-month period some essential information came to me which determined what direction I would go in my decision whether to stay with the alcoholic. This information was not connected to anything he said or did during the time of separation (I went completely no contact). But it was a sudden revelation which I COULD NOT HAVE EXPERIENCED had I not been separated from him. It was as if the sky opened up and God sent me a personal message. And because of this new information, I once more became self-directing rather than a helpless woman waiting to see if her man would come back to her capable of dealing with his demons and with me.
So even though you have this 6-month DAY OF RECKONING set in stone in your mind and are feeling more and more dread as the hours and days tick by, I think what will come to pass for you and your marriage will not happen on that day at all. And that what the 6 month schedule really did for you was give you a psychological "container.". At least, looking back, this was what I was desperately grasping for: some kind of frame to contain what seemed to be ever-expanding chaos. I desperately needed some structure in my life and setting a time frame was my way of finding it.
But Life rarely operates according to our calendar, and I can almost assure you that you need not concern yourself with that day of reckoning, for by the time it rolls around so much will have been revealed and so much will have been transformed that that day will just be another in a long series of days that make up your life.
It is good he is out of the house right now. And that there is order and predictability for your children. You can take a deep breath, place your troubles in the care of the God of your understanding, and continue to make choices for the highest good of your family. If you do that, all will be well, no matter what.
I assume you made your AH leave? And did you spontaneously set the 6-month deadline? (My demand for a separation flew out of my mouth when I didn't even, one minute before, sense it coming on. I demanded it and I set it at three months. All out of the blue).
What I want to say is that even though those three months nearly killed me, my Higher Power was at work in ways I did not then realize. During that three-month period some essential information came to me which determined what direction I would go in my decision whether to stay with the alcoholic. This information was not connected to anything he said or did during the time of separation (I went completely no contact). But it was a sudden revelation which I COULD NOT HAVE EXPERIENCED had I not been separated from him. It was as if the sky opened up and God sent me a personal message. And because of this new information, I once more became self-directing rather than a helpless woman waiting to see if her man would come back to her capable of dealing with his demons and with me.
So even though you have this 6-month DAY OF RECKONING set in stone in your mind and are feeling more and more dread as the hours and days tick by, I think what will come to pass for you and your marriage will not happen on that day at all. And that what the 6 month schedule really did for you was give you a psychological "container.". At least, looking back, this was what I was desperately grasping for: some kind of frame to contain what seemed to be ever-expanding chaos. I desperately needed some structure in my life and setting a time frame was my way of finding it.
But Life rarely operates according to our calendar, and I can almost assure you that you need not concern yourself with that day of reckoning, for by the time it rolls around so much will have been revealed and so much will have been transformed that that day will just be another in a long series of days that make up your life.
It is good he is out of the house right now. And that there is order and predictability for your children. You can take a deep breath, place your troubles in the care of the God of your understanding, and continue to make choices for the highest good of your family. If you do that, all will be well, no matter what.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
I wonder if perhaps you are giving him too much power over your future. Your future, and that of your children, depends on you and your decisions. I think it's a fantastic opportunity to spend really peaceful time with your children and to decide for yourself what you really want to do. Whether you and the children stay or go, is really your decision, and it's not one that has to be made right this minute.
You deserve the time it takes to make the best decision for the children and for you! I hope you have had a peaceful night rest!
You deserve the time it takes to make the best decision for the children and for you! I hope you have had a peaceful night rest!
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Focus on the now. Take a look around the house, examine your life, and identify those things you can change or improve NOW. Maybe it is finishing up all the laundry. Maybe it is painting a spot on the wall you've been wanting to cover up. Maybe it is sorting through your clothes for 15 minutes a day and pulling out things to donate. (These are the kinds of things I have been doing in order to get my obsessive thoughts away from the A). Picking out possible paint colors for painting in the future. Donating loads of books that have been collecting dust. Sweeping the floors. Organizing the hall closet.
Focus on you and the children. Set a personal goal for ourself that has nothing to do with the A, for what you would like to achieve in 6 months. It could be anything from saving up for a particular new dress, to enrolling in a class you are interested in. Don't worry about the "how," just find something for you and start thinking about that.
Focus on you and the children. Set a personal goal for ourself that has nothing to do with the A, for what you would like to achieve in 6 months. It could be anything from saving up for a particular new dress, to enrolling in a class you are interested in. Don't worry about the "how," just find something for you and start thinking about that.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Central Kansas
Posts: 175
Have you considered al-anon? They offer so much for the suffering non-alcoholics and can teach you many things, plus you will gain alot of support and encouragement.
Might be worth a try!? Hang in there!
Might be worth a try!? Hang in there!
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: rural Germany
Posts: 311
Originally Posted by Titanic 
One of the things I do, when I'm pushed forward or pulled back, is to concentrate on what is before me today, this hour, this minute.
Originally Posted by Hypatia
When I've just gone through an extremely turbulent time, I find that even one day at a time can be too much. So I start with one minute at a time.
Wake up.... yawn, stretch, now what? Oh, ok... go to bathroom, then make a coffee, then turn on the morning news program. Hmm.... I've forgotten something... oh, right.. my coffee is sitting on the counter in the kitchen... go get coffee and take a sip. Put down coffee, go turn on computer, sit down, wait for it to boot up and connect to internet. Reach for coffee.... darn, it is on the table in the living room. Go get coffee and bring it to the computer....
I'm serious about the one minute at a time thing. There have been days when I truly can't even keep track of my coffee mug from one minute to the next.
Wake up.... yawn, stretch, now what? Oh, ok... go to bathroom, then make a coffee, then turn on the morning news program. Hmm.... I've forgotten something... oh, right.. my coffee is sitting on the counter in the kitchen... go get coffee and take a sip. Put down coffee, go turn on computer, sit down, wait for it to boot up and connect to internet. Reach for coffee.... darn, it is on the table in the living room. Go get coffee and bring it to the computer....
I'm serious about the one minute at a time thing. There have been days when I truly can't even keep track of my coffee mug from one minute to the next.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: California
Posts: 693
I so feel for you. I booted my AH out on May 1, 2011. At that time I told him that I would wait for one year and judge by his actions regarding a more permanent separation. On May 1, 2012, I sat him down and told him I would be seeking a legal separation since nothing had really changed.
Having this date set and a really firm boundary put some framework on my life during that hellish year. If I had it to do all over again, I'd do more practical legwork to prepare for that worst case scenario that I'm now living with. So while you do have to live "one day at a time" for your sanity and health, there is something to be said for looking 6 months down the line and getting your ducks in a row. 90% of alcoholics stay that way, so with those odds you would be smart to act accordingly.
Having this date set and a really firm boundary put some framework on my life during that hellish year. If I had it to do all over again, I'd do more practical legwork to prepare for that worst case scenario that I'm now living with. So while you do have to live "one day at a time" for your sanity and health, there is something to be said for looking 6 months down the line and getting your ducks in a row. 90% of alcoholics stay that way, so with those odds you would be smart to act accordingly.
Iceberg Ahead!
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Out at Sea
Posts: 1,177
Making plans is fine, but don't plan on the outcomes. Planned outcomes are expectations, and those are resentments waiting to happen. Do the right things per your plans, but when life happens accept it as it has unfolded. Read the post on Radical Acceptance. It's insightful.
My emotional baggage
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Northern CA
Posts: 285
You can do it! You can do it because you don't have choice. As a good friend told me when I first left take it one day at a time, one minute at a time if you have to. Crawl along it you need to.
I am dealing with all kids of deadlines dates right now. I have another one on the 1st. When I start getting depressed, I ask myself if I will feel good the next day about what I am doing right at the moment. I don't want to feel like I wasted a day in my life so I will usually get up and clean something or start laundry.
I also went out and bought myself a book on how to knit at Walmart. In the last year I have gotten quite good. I made Christmas presents for everyone and feel really good about learning something new. It also gave me something to do with my hands. I tend to start smoking again during times of extreme stress. Now when I start getting that sick feeling I pick up the needles and work out some stress and get something good out of it. ( Even through all of this I have not picked up the cigs, yeah for me!)
Excercise also. Everyday I go for a hike/walk during the week I seem to handle things better. If I miss a day I really feel the stress more.
Hugs, I hate stress but it wakes us up to things in our life we need to take care of.
4MyBoys
I am dealing with all kids of deadlines dates right now. I have another one on the 1st. When I start getting depressed, I ask myself if I will feel good the next day about what I am doing right at the moment. I don't want to feel like I wasted a day in my life so I will usually get up and clean something or start laundry.
I also went out and bought myself a book on how to knit at Walmart. In the last year I have gotten quite good. I made Christmas presents for everyone and feel really good about learning something new. It also gave me something to do with my hands. I tend to start smoking again during times of extreme stress. Now when I start getting that sick feeling I pick up the needles and work out some stress and get something good out of it. ( Even through all of this I have not picked up the cigs, yeah for me!)
Excercise also. Everyday I go for a hike/walk during the week I seem to handle things better. If I miss a day I really feel the stress more.
Hugs, I hate stress but it wakes us up to things in our life we need to take care of.
4MyBoys
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: My Happy Place
Posts: 700
Hi Runnermeg. I can understand your situation completely. ABF is in a sober house now. It's been about a month. He is employed and content. We don't have children together, but I have two teen daughters he deeply wounded while he did live with us. He was a complete drunk mess 90 percent of the time until I asked him to move out. I don't know why I didn't leave him then but I hung on for another year while his life spiraled out of control. I am still angry, hurt, sad with all that has transpired. I too have no clue what to do when he has done his time at the halfway house. I know coming back to live with me right away is out of the question ,because deep in my heart I don't believe he will stay sober for long. His life has improved where as he is sober, working, heathy, fed well, with no bills and such. I am still tormented by his past behavior and it is consuming my present and possibly my future as well. I do not get how they can get their hooks in sooooo deep. I too have a great job, great kids, family , friends, not to bad to look at, etc, etc and I am obsessed with a ex con, ex drug dealing , drug using, alcoholic. Go figure. You are not alone. I feel your pain, but unfortunately have no clearer idea to tell you what to do. I dont know what the f to do myself. 
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: South Shore, MA
Posts: 13
EnglishGarden- You just summed up EXACTLY how I feel. The weight has been lifted since he's been out. Giving him 6 months WAS exactly how you put it, a time frame that was on MY terms, not his. Luckily, he agreed to it all (for now). I need to open myself up more to letting my own happiness back in. Thanks for totally validating everything I'm feeling
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: South Shore, MA
Posts: 13
Thanks for everyone's awesome posts... they put all the madness in perspective. My therapist is REALLY trying to get me to adopt the "one day/minute at a time" mentality but I'm SO not wired that way. I'm trying though.
Sungrl... we are in very similar boats. It's awful. I'm sending positive wishes your way. Private message me any time if you want to chat!
Sungrl... we are in very similar boats. It's awful. I'm sending positive wishes your way. Private message me any time if you want to chat!
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