Checking in & some rambling about making the decision (to live a productive life)"
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Checking in & some rambling about making the decision (to live a productive life)"
I have read in the steps something about "making the decision to heal" or something like that.. lol (don't remember the exact wording) but just now I am understanding it.
Thanks to SR I made the decision to leave XABF. It was a hellish mourning process but I do not regret leaving. Been 4 years. Sometimes, I do remember "the good him" and I feel sad, this lasts around 10 seconds before I remember his only meaningful relationship was with Jack Daniels. This site was priceless, to understand addiction and how it has nothing to do with me.
I started with someone else and he turned out to be a cheater, there was also disrespect, and by now I know I am the one with the bad picker and I need lots of inner work to heal my Daddy issues that I have dragged for 30 years. A therapist told me its not only about feeling loved, my Big Issue is that I never felt protected thus I place myself in vulnerable positions.
I am starting to feel compassion towards myself as my needs were unmet with my dad/parents, I am seeing I lacked important emotional elements in my life and its not my inherent fault. Just learned behavior. In this process I feel slightly more acceptance towards myself (still a long way to go!).
After posting here many times about my job and my stress related to it, I also realized I was suffering a great deal. Thanks to the support of SR members and my family I was able to leave. (XABF was there as well!)
I spent some months doing what I really love (fashion design!), then money got tight. I started worrying a lot about it, I was poor and lived day by day. I asked HP for help finding a job/the first friend I talked to turned out to be in a team that was going to have one less member soon / long story short, in 3 days I was accepted and I moved to a different state (no triggers and no one I know, other than my friend. A new place to explore).
I started on Monday and so far it looks like its a normal 9 to 6 job, not as stressful. Very grateful to have $$ again. (And a better salary).
I asked HP to help me see who was who in my close contacts. HP delivered. I feel great knowing who my true friends are and contacting them.
Slowly I am "making the decision" to take care of myself.
Granted I still get depressed and feel very lonely, hopeless but I also know I got inner strength and I will be alright. I am trying to "use" those feelings and get them out in some artistic way.
Now in the anger phase in regards to my dad but hopefully I will get closer to forgiveness and not end up like he did (not talking to his own dad, only resuming contact at his own dad's deathbed). I went No contact with him.
I hope to get my cats Dolce and gabanna0 to where I live, so this new place feels like a home. I am hoping to rent a a friend's place, well actually her mom is the one who is here. She sews Valentino clothes and I hope I can learn from her! I have this wild idea to sell eco friendly clothes as a "side business" but mostly to have fun myself and be creative.
I would have never lived or experienced any of these things had I stayed in toxic environments. Living my own life is satisfying, and fun, and I resisted doing this so long. I feel more freedom and more in control and I am VERY grateful for these new feelings I am having today.
To me, living a productive day is about making someone else feel loved, remembered, appreciated or supported... that is a productive life.. not how much money you earn, or how superior you feel, or how good you are in some practical task (or how much you suffer)... spending time with an aunt that is very ill (unknown illness) taught me this, made me more humble.
Tc999
PS Launched my photography blog -so far it only has 3 pictures LOL- and wrote a small article with a few pictures for a magazine! very exciting to "get out of the artistic closet".
Thanks to SR I made the decision to leave XABF. It was a hellish mourning process but I do not regret leaving. Been 4 years. Sometimes, I do remember "the good him" and I feel sad, this lasts around 10 seconds before I remember his only meaningful relationship was with Jack Daniels. This site was priceless, to understand addiction and how it has nothing to do with me.
I started with someone else and he turned out to be a cheater, there was also disrespect, and by now I know I am the one with the bad picker and I need lots of inner work to heal my Daddy issues that I have dragged for 30 years. A therapist told me its not only about feeling loved, my Big Issue is that I never felt protected thus I place myself in vulnerable positions.
I am starting to feel compassion towards myself as my needs were unmet with my dad/parents, I am seeing I lacked important emotional elements in my life and its not my inherent fault. Just learned behavior. In this process I feel slightly more acceptance towards myself (still a long way to go!).
After posting here many times about my job and my stress related to it, I also realized I was suffering a great deal. Thanks to the support of SR members and my family I was able to leave. (XABF was there as well!)
I spent some months doing what I really love (fashion design!), then money got tight. I started worrying a lot about it, I was poor and lived day by day. I asked HP for help finding a job/the first friend I talked to turned out to be in a team that was going to have one less member soon / long story short, in 3 days I was accepted and I moved to a different state (no triggers and no one I know, other than my friend. A new place to explore).
I started on Monday and so far it looks like its a normal 9 to 6 job, not as stressful. Very grateful to have $$ again. (And a better salary).
I asked HP to help me see who was who in my close contacts. HP delivered. I feel great knowing who my true friends are and contacting them.
Slowly I am "making the decision" to take care of myself.
Granted I still get depressed and feel very lonely, hopeless but I also know I got inner strength and I will be alright. I am trying to "use" those feelings and get them out in some artistic way.
Now in the anger phase in regards to my dad but hopefully I will get closer to forgiveness and not end up like he did (not talking to his own dad, only resuming contact at his own dad's deathbed). I went No contact with him.
I hope to get my cats Dolce and gabanna0 to where I live, so this new place feels like a home. I am hoping to rent a a friend's place, well actually her mom is the one who is here. She sews Valentino clothes and I hope I can learn from her! I have this wild idea to sell eco friendly clothes as a "side business" but mostly to have fun myself and be creative.
I would have never lived or experienced any of these things had I stayed in toxic environments. Living my own life is satisfying, and fun, and I resisted doing this so long. I feel more freedom and more in control and I am VERY grateful for these new feelings I am having today.
To me, living a productive day is about making someone else feel loved, remembered, appreciated or supported... that is a productive life.. not how much money you earn, or how superior you feel, or how good you are in some practical task (or how much you suffer)... spending time with an aunt that is very ill (unknown illness) taught me this, made me more humble.
Tc999
PS Launched my photography blog
-so far it only has 3 pictures LOL- and wrote a small article with a few pictures for a magazine! very exciting to "get out of the artistic closet".
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