EnoughEnough

So I'm celebrating a week and a half in my new home, and loving it. ABF, on the other hand, is running around like a jilted spoiled child. I know he is making no effort towards any real recovery which is very frustrating. 2 AA meetings, one visit to a psychiatrist and reading my book on codependency DON"T COUNT. I don't think he's drinking every night, which is better than nothing, and now there is enough space between us that I can better enforce the boundaries that we have discussed - no drinking around me or my son, no harsh language, and I will not ask "how high" every time he says "jump". Honestly, I'm ready to give up on him entirely, and that makes me sad. He just keeps pushing at those boundaries and then acts surprised when I calmly tell him "not going to happen" and stop talking to him. I really didn't realize how controlling he actually was until now. I suspected it, but now it's like I'm on the outside looking in and all I can do is just shake my head and wonder how I let things get to that point. The romance is gone. I don't see him willing to change at all, and I already have a teenager - I don't need to babysit a grown man too!


Why do they say one thing and do another? And why does it feel like I'm constantly being punished because he expects (meaning has planned the scenario in his head to the finest detail) something and gets angry when I don't meet those expectations (because I didn't know that was the plan??) Whyyyyyy does he want me to be the "bad guy"?? /end rant.

I'm reading a book right now on emotional blackmail and I'm pretty sure it's his biography. However, I feel like I'm starting to blame him for everything and it's time to step back and work on me, because I'm by no means perfect myself.

Reading the posts on this board has really opened my eyes. Thank you!

I have to see him this weekend to collect the remainder of my belongings, but I'm afraid after that we will be done. We have been friends for over 5 years, and it wasn't until we started dating in January that all this (booze, OCD, PTSD, general a$$holery...)came out. I've lost my friend. What a waste

Florence

It's sad. I'm sorry you're dealing with this.

The good news is that you're setting yourself up with the time and space to maintain that physical and emotional distance from the alcoholic craziness. I'm separating from my AH right now and I'm feeling ALL THE FEELINGS, sometimes all at once, sometimes in rapid succession. It sucks. But if we just feel all these feelings as they come, recognize their purpose as our brains and bodies process the trauma of being in a relationship with an alcoholic, and refuse to scramble around the alcoholic looking for crumbs of acceptance and love (never gonna fine it there), we will get out on the other side whole and happy. That's what I'm telling myself today.

Katiekate

I'm reading a book right now on emotional blackmail and I'm pretty sure it's his biography

This really made me giggle, we are a sarcastic bunch, I know I am.

It's a lot of work, this recovery we do.

Keep posting, you head seems to be nicely placed above water.

Take good care, Katie.

Sungrl

I find myself in a similar situation. I live apart from ABF. He lives in a halfway house and is currently sober and employed. Big change for him since he spent the last year of his life drunk , occasionally shooting coke and unemployed. This was forced though. He would have been homeless and had no income if they did not take him in. He starts AODA group today and is not thrilled. He hates situations where he may have to be accountable for his actions. I have stood by him, gone NC when things were really bad, which toward the end was daily. No I am at a crossroads. I dont feel he is serious about sobriety. I think he still believes he can get his **** together and drink again oneday. I don't see that. He has not addressed his issues with me on how he made me feel in the two years we have been togather. He was a liar a thief and just a general bad seed to be around. I still have strong feelings of resentment. At this point I see no future, but I said that a year ago too. Sigh.

BlueSkies1

A romantic relationship since January and you are already wise enough to get out?
girl..you may be young, but you have a decade of smarts over me. A decade I lost to codependency.
This makes me happy, that you are getting out now. I can't go back and save that ten years of my life, but I can read about others that save themselves much earlier.
Congrats on doing that for yourself.

EnoughEnough

Unfortunately I've made even worse relationship choices in the past. Twice divorced, one from a substance abuser and one from a philanderer, and those relationships cost me 11 and 5 years respectively. I also have a 14 year old son to consider. Living with ABF was always a temporary thing, it's just now I'm starting to realize based on the few months we stayed with him that he is not who I thought he was, and I don't want to go down the road he's leading me.

No more dating for me, at least until I can sort out why I seem to keep repeating this same pattern. It's not fair to me nor my son, and frankly I'm too busy raising him to put up with any extra garbage. Bottom line is I'm fed up and would rather deal with these emotions without his "help". I certainly can't help him, Lord knows I've tried and fortunately found this forum which taught me first thing that there is really nothing I can do. It's his addiction.

Sungrl, I guess the reason I was caught so off guard by this is that he has been employed at the same place for almost 20 years, and until we were under the same roof I had never seen him drink. Turns out he only drinks at home. The first time he got wasted, got mean, and then had a seizure I knew we were in trouble. Yes, my "sweetheart" has seizures, every time he drinks, and for a couple months he was drinking every day after work, passing out by 9pm, seizing from 10-12 and getting up at 5 to go to work the next day. I don' t know how anyone can live like that, but he is. I know I can't live like that - those nights after making sure he doesn't hurt himself during a seizure and then staying up the rest of the night after he passes out because his apnea is so bad I was convinced he was going to die...I just can't do that anymore. And then there's finding the empties. His mother lives across the street and apparently checks his trash because she's well aware of his problem (he was at least considerate enough of my son to go get sloshed over there and come back when he was ready to crash, well after the kid was in bed), so his solution is to hide them in the house. Everywhere. One afternoon we pulled at least 60 empty vodka bottles, from boxes in the closet, holes punched in the basement ceiling, under couches and chairs, in dresser drawers...everywhere. He has been drinking heavily since he was 14 and he just turned 49.

I thought I knew this person. Turns out I only knew what he chose to let me see, until we were in a situation where he couldn't hide anymore.