Sadconfused

Did any of you that have or do attend alanon tell your A spouse? Or did you just go? If you told how did you do it, what did you say? How did they react?

I have been looking into going, I have the schedule and everything but I'm not sure if I should tell him and how if I do. I don't think he will be very supportive but I don't want to not tell h because we already have trust issues and I don't want to make that worse by lying. It's sad I have to be nervous about his reaction.

CentralOhioDad

Very good question - I've been wondering this myself. Since my Wife doesn't feel she has a problem, she will probably blowup if I say I'm going, once I have a chnace to go. So, I might just go and not say anything - but she knows where I am and what I'm doing 24/7, so it makes it tough.

I am interested in reading others' responses.

lizatola

I need my AH to stay home with our son most nights. Even though my son is 13 he has anxiety issues and doesn't like to be home by himself so I told AH about 2 days before that I was going. Just did it very matter of fact and said, "I'm going to an Al Anon meeting on Thursday night, can you make sure you're home that night?"

Now, his reaction was another story. He didn't fight me on it but he did choose those nights to usually tie one on good. I would come home from my meetings and he'd be half in the bag already. I brushed it off, I felt that I was doing what I needed to do for me. Ironically enough, he got his DUI on a Thursday night(my usual meeting night although I do attend others now on Tuesdays and Fridays) but I didn't actually go to my meeting that night. He was resentful of all the positive changes I was trying to make. He made fun of my Bible study group, made fun of my church friends, ragged on me for coming to these message boards and even yelled at me during marriage counseling demanding that I stop coming to message boards.

Honestly, I had wanted to go to Al Anon for about a year before I got up the guts to finally go and yes, it was because I was afraid of his reaction. I'm so glad I went and continue to go. My son is now interested in AlaTeen and I have met some wonderful supportive friends in the rooms. Sometimes you just have to do what is right for YOU and forget about their reaction.

Sadconfused

Thanks for sharing, lizatola. I can't leave our daughter here with him, I don't really trust him to watch her but she is a lot younger than your son. There are a few meeting during the weekdays, I was going to try to go to one of them and not mention it to him as he would be at work but they don't have child care during those 2. The only one I found with child care is on the weekend. I dunno, even if I do tell him I'm going I would feel more comfortable going during the week while he's at work so that I know where he is and that he won't make a surprise visit or something. I honestly can't even guess how he might react, my friend gets annoyed with me cause she keeps saying it doesn't matter what he says because im an adult and can do what i want. I understand what she means and she is right but she also has never been in my situation, so she doesn't quite understand what it's like to deal with it. He has looked well upon me going to do hobbies and other stuff alone.

lillamy

I didn't. He was in complete denial, and the kind of person who would make it so uncomfortable to go out for coffee with my best friend that I stopped doing it. I think he would have become physically violent a lot earlier if I had told him I was going to Al-Anon.

I was able to attend lunch meetings, which worked because my boss was an ACOA and let me bake my breaks into my lunch hour to get there on time. AXH never knew until after I left him. I don't know if I can recommend that sneaky lying ways to anyone else, but it was about my safety and survival.

WishingWell

I just went. I told him later that I went.

lovingwife

I started going without discussing it with AH. When he asked where I was going, I would say an alanon meeting and not elaborate. He didn't know what to say so he just said Oh. I think my going might have contributed to him finding help and recovery. I thought of it as focusing on me for my needs, what I needed to do that really didn't involve AH or need his permission for.

Milly39

When I first went to Alanon AH was going thru his 2nd in patient treatment and he was delighted that I was going for "me". He took care of the boys when I went to the meetings and all was rosy.
When he started drinking again, I continued going to the meetings but he made it difficult and he would not come home in time to mind the boys and eventually I gave up going.
Once we were seperated I started back with the meetings
I hope it goes well for you

LivingLife4Me

I go to Alanon. My AH doesn't think he is an alcoholic, and resents and fights my going. I.don't.give.a.crap what he thinks. He is NOT going to stop me from going. Period.

Sue

OhBoy

I told my AW after I got back from my first meeting. I told her it's not really about her, it's for me & about me, to make me a better person. Almost a year later I still don't think she understands & she resents me going, but if she didn't resent that, she'd resent something else & use it as an excuse to drink.