How to let go....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 166
How to let go....
Its been over 24 hrs since I have spoken to my XAGF. Sometimes i feel relief, knowing that she walked away from me and the kids...so she can't blame me for taking them away, although I'm sure she does. Most of the time i feel so hurt. Part of me wants to go to her and beg her to come back, to stay...yet the last few times i did that i remember thinking "what am i doing?" as I looked at her dishoveled and intoxicated or hungover. I don't understand any of this anymore. i am an attractive woman, with 3 Master's degrees, a fabulous career, 4 beautiful children and 14 rental properties....why can't I expect the best for myself in a partner? Why did I settle and keep trying to settle for a drunk who has lost 2 jobs in the past year and does nothing but sleep and lay around? It isn't even like we had these great memories in our 4 years together, in fact I have been hurt and disrespected over and over, yet made to feel like I was the culprit. How do I just let go? How do I not text or call or stalk? My smart self tells me she did me a favor by walking away, since i never would've left her (I've proven that to myself) and she isn't demanding to see the kids anymore, like the other times. He drinking buddy insists "she loves you soo much. All she wants is a family and the garage". Yes, that is what led to her breaking up with me...a garage. He is adamant "Patty if you don't go to her and beg her to move in with you, once she moves into her own aptment she will NEVER come back, never. She is too pigheaded" I know he is right. Yet I have begged her to spend time with me, even just be with me...and she hasn't. She would rather go hang with him. I know some of this was to punish me because she has stayed at my house for over a year without officially living there, keeping all her stuff at her own basement (she rented out both aptments). She felt unless she changed things, it would never change...and she is right, it probably wouldn't. She used to go to church every Sunday with us, spent every night, life was about the kids....now it seems that person doesn't exist. She is insanely jealous of my best friend, who works on all my properties and is like family to me. She accuses me of not setting boundaries with her, thus us not having a life. Maybe that is true somewhat, since obviously boundaries are hard for me. I got a text this morning that said just so you know I'm leaving you because you couldn't set boundaries and the garage was the last straw. At first i wasn't going to respond, but then later I did...telling her she left because she didn't love me and a relationship was too much work. That she wanted her freedom and alcohol too much. Anyway, I need my peace and I feel frantic right now.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Austin
Posts: 31
So sorry you're going through this patty, I understand what it's like to want someone to come to you but have them be too much a jerk.
My heart hurts for you.
Be strong, turn it over to your Higher Power... And I assure you that it will eventually be ok. Maybe not now, and maybe not tomorrow, maybe not even sooner than later... but it WILL get better.
-jb
My heart hurts for you.
Be strong, turn it over to your Higher Power... And I assure you that it will eventually be ok. Maybe not now, and maybe not tomorrow, maybe not even sooner than later... but it WILL get better.
-jb
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: California
Posts: 693
Hi PattyG, welcome to SR and so sorry you are going through such heartache. There are lots of wonderful people here who will help you get through this. SR has been such a huge help for me, as my husband of 16 years is an alcoholic. We have four kids, too, but sadly we now live apart.
When I first came here, I read this information and it was enlightening:
10 ways family members can help a loved one with a drug or alcohol problem
Also check into Al Anon meetings in your area. It's truly healing to sit in a room full of people who 'get it.'
Educating myself was huge. My go-to books are: 1) "Under The Influence" by Milam and Ketchum, 2) "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie and am currently reading 3) "The Journey from Abandonment to Healing" by Susan Anderson. I wish I'd had #3 right at the beginning, it's super helpful.
Hugs. You are not alone!
When I first came here, I read this information and it was enlightening:
10 ways family members can help a loved one with a drug or alcohol problem
Also check into Al Anon meetings in your area. It's truly healing to sit in a room full of people who 'get it.'
Educating myself was huge. My go-to books are: 1) "Under The Influence" by Milam and Ketchum, 2) "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie and am currently reading 3) "The Journey from Abandonment to Healing" by Susan Anderson. I wish I'd had #3 right at the beginning, it's super helpful.
Hugs. You are not alone!
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,295
Hello...I see you are having a difficult time.
I wonder with people who are successfully balanced within themselves that they are drawn to the madness that an alcoholic brings. You are obviously rational enough to have your success stories of your achievements.
Then you met this person that defied all the things you believed to be true. They could reject, ignore, and defy, and seemed to get away with that behavior.
They presented a different view of "success" as they were able to be the defiant renegade. Alluring isn't it? This person doesn't have to play by the rules, and successfully gets away with it! Or do they?
And if they are alcoholic, they leave a path of destruction behind them in relationships. This is where the pain comes in for you.
You could financially afford this person, but can you emotionally afford this person? See a relationship with an alcoholic will cost you, one way or another. As a business woman you may disregard your emotions as being very important to your well being. You may often focus on the unemotional financial side of life.
This woman sees that although you are successful, she can play you, because you are emotionally vulnerable. She knows the cards she holds, she knows your weak areas, she has obviously studied them, do you?
I'm a little confused reading your post. I don't understand the bit about the garage. I also don't understand why you would never leave her, and that you have no boundaries. Are you telling me that an alcoholic realizes you have no boundaries and they are pointing it out to you?
I'm sure much wiser posts will come along...but as far as feeling frantic...remember the only emergencies in life are those like stopping children from running in front of cars. Everything else can wait while you sort it out.
I wonder with people who are successfully balanced within themselves that they are drawn to the madness that an alcoholic brings. You are obviously rational enough to have your success stories of your achievements.
Then you met this person that defied all the things you believed to be true. They could reject, ignore, and defy, and seemed to get away with that behavior.
They presented a different view of "success" as they were able to be the defiant renegade. Alluring isn't it? This person doesn't have to play by the rules, and successfully gets away with it! Or do they?
And if they are alcoholic, they leave a path of destruction behind them in relationships. This is where the pain comes in for you.
You could financially afford this person, but can you emotionally afford this person? See a relationship with an alcoholic will cost you, one way or another. As a business woman you may disregard your emotions as being very important to your well being. You may often focus on the unemotional financial side of life.
This woman sees that although you are successful, she can play you, because you are emotionally vulnerable. She knows the cards she holds, she knows your weak areas, she has obviously studied them, do you?
I'm a little confused reading your post. I don't understand the bit about the garage. I also don't understand why you would never leave her, and that you have no boundaries. Are you telling me that an alcoholic realizes you have no boundaries and they are pointing it out to you?
I'm sure much wiser posts will come along...but as far as feeling frantic...remember the only emergencies in life are those like stopping children from running in front of cars. Everything else can wait while you sort it out.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: west coast
Posts: 1,068
I am sorry you are suffering . . . I imagine you might feel rejected and abandoned. When I feel that way, my inner child completely takes over and the rational adult is nowhere to be found.
I would take extra good care of yourself - keep telling yourself she did you a favor - perhaps your ego is hurt and that is very painful - try to concentrate on the good in your life - the kids, the properties, the good relationships . . .your higher power . . .get a massage, maybe (that is pretty much my answer to anything that ails me). Good luck.
I would take extra good care of yourself - keep telling yourself she did you a favor - perhaps your ego is hurt and that is very painful - try to concentrate on the good in your life - the kids, the properties, the good relationships . . .your higher power . . .get a massage, maybe (that is pretty much my answer to anything that ails me). Good luck.
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