Anon12

Hi, what do people mean when they say this?

I responded to a message from my x asking me how I was to remind him of the terms of our contact and asked him to respect my wishes. I wasn't rude but I stopped myself tagging on 'however hard it may be for both of us' as I'd previously heard feedback this would be 'giving away my power'. Im not sure i understand it. Is it wrong/unhelpful to me to be honest, provided i am clear on my boundaries and stick to them?

I just feel like I've suddenly switched off from him after nearly 6 years and portraying this reserve i dont feel but not sure who it helps? I understand the benefit of NC (although finding it hard) but I feel so cold removing any feeling from my messages like I'm making out I don't care, when I do, I just don't want the relationship on those terms anymore and sadly I don't think he will change.

I am wary of questioning my motives and a few months ago I think I would have wanted my words to make him change so wrong motive and utterly futile but ive learned from events over the last few months and counselling. Im not trying to influence him but it feels really cold to do this to someone who I loved. That said, part of me thinks responding with any of my feelings just gives mixed messages and gives him hope we will get back together without him needing to do a thing. As my counsellor said, he heard you the first time. He has the letter I wrote him when we split telling him I still loved him but that I couldn't continue in the relationship while he continued to drink.

I remind myself he has behaved badly to me, someone he confesses to love but isn't he meant to be the one with the illness? So confused. Anyone able to shed light on the right balance?

BlueSkies1

I think that what you are saying when you say "however hard that may for either of us" what you are really saying is "it is difficult for me". I think you should refrain from being presumptive about what his emotions are, even when you are sure what they are. Let him state his own emotions when he wants to.
The boundary has been set, he knows what it is, now he has to make the choices. He may decide that his love for you is enough, he may decide that it isn't worth as much as drinking.
I don't see it as giving away your power by being honest. But I do think that he already knows you are emotional about him.
I agree that you don't want to say anything which gives him the idea that he can get you back and continue drinking. If you write things that send the message that you are feeling very weak and emotional, he will run with it.

Tuffgirl

The phrase "giving away your power" basically means allowing others to have some measure of control over your life, your feelings, your thoughts, your decisions.

For example, saying to someone "You made me feel..." Does someone else make you feel? No. We feel what we feel because of what's going on inside of us. Thinking others have the power to make us feel anything gives them a lot of power over our feelings.