Ah cr@p! I miss him...
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 284
Ah cr@p! I miss him...
It's been 10 months since I left my STBXAH in a hurry one night because his drunken temper got to be too much for me. It's been 2 1/2 months since I finally got a real job, a car, and a home to make my own. And, it's been a little over a month since I received a petition for divorce from him and his divorce lawyer for chauvinistic idiots.
Do I sound like I miss him? No. But, I do anyway. I've been sifting through all of our email correspondence from the last 10 months (which has been about 98% of our correspondence) so that I can put together a timeline of events for my attorney. I figured it would be faster and easier if I just did that on my own time. What I wasn't prepared for was the emotional toll of reading through all of those emails again. I started with the latest emails and worked my way backward. And, you know, we were all sweet and supportive to each other for a while. A few hiccups, a couple larger speed bumps... But we maintained that we loved each other and we even kept up with our humor through many of the emails.
So, WTH? Why did he give up? We were so strongly committed to each other even though we couldnt be together. Ahhhh, right. Those were only words. I remember writing those words. I wasn't always feeling exactly as supportive as I tried so hard to sound in my emails. I knew I wouldn't be able to pull it off in person, so I stayed away. I also read many of his emails early on that read so similarly to me... "oh! NOW I understand what a jerk I've been! I will never again... Blah, blah, blah.". And, then he'd be a jerk again within a week, sometimes the next day.
Why do I miss him? Because some of those emails were from HIM, my H, who I really love and miss terribly. Why did he have to go? I'm just sad now. Needing a shoulder.
Thanks,
Fathom
Do I sound like I miss him? No. But, I do anyway. I've been sifting through all of our email correspondence from the last 10 months (which has been about 98% of our correspondence) so that I can put together a timeline of events for my attorney. I figured it would be faster and easier if I just did that on my own time. What I wasn't prepared for was the emotional toll of reading through all of those emails again. I started with the latest emails and worked my way backward. And, you know, we were all sweet and supportive to each other for a while. A few hiccups, a couple larger speed bumps... But we maintained that we loved each other and we even kept up with our humor through many of the emails.
So, WTH? Why did he give up? We were so strongly committed to each other even though we couldnt be together. Ahhhh, right. Those were only words. I remember writing those words. I wasn't always feeling exactly as supportive as I tried so hard to sound in my emails. I knew I wouldn't be able to pull it off in person, so I stayed away. I also read many of his emails early on that read so similarly to me... "oh! NOW I understand what a jerk I've been! I will never again... Blah, blah, blah.". And, then he'd be a jerk again within a week, sometimes the next day.
Why do I miss him? Because some of those emails were from HIM, my H, who I really love and miss terribly. Why did he have to go? I'm just sad now. Needing a shoulder.
Thanks,
Fathom
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 378
I was reading a post here where someone was venting about their 23 year marriage and how they were so fiercely angry at their spouse for all that they put them through. You could feel the rage -
I thought to myself, I've been with my husband longer and I don't feel angry - I feel deeply sad. I know I'll do fine if I leave, I would go on to a healthy, happy life - he's the one with this sick, unrelenting, monster on his back. Whatever happens between us I will always love him and I will always want him and I will always pray for his happiness and health.
I completely understand what you are feeling! And I'm so sorry -
I thought to myself, I've been with my husband longer and I don't feel angry - I feel deeply sad. I know I'll do fine if I leave, I would go on to a healthy, happy life - he's the one with this sick, unrelenting, monster on his back. Whatever happens between us I will always love him and I will always want him and I will always pray for his happiness and health.
I completely understand what you are feeling! And I'm so sorry -
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 490
Originally Posted by WishingWell 
I was reading a post here where someone was venting about their 23 year marriage and how they were so fiercely angry at their spouse for all that they put them through. You could feel the rage -
I thought to myself, I've been with my husband longer and I don't feel angry - I feel deeply sad. I know I'll do fine if I leave,
I thought to myself, I've been with my husband longer and I don't feel angry - I feel deeply sad. I know I'll do fine if I leave,
When I read what you posted I thought to myself that until you or he leaves you actually do not know how you will feel. I am quite surprised at some of the things I have been feeling since he left. Reading what you posted reminds me of when my baby died and people said to me: "You are so strong, if my baby died I would (insert something you think would would do - top yourself, become a monk, end up in the mental hospital etc etc..."
Kubler-Ross' stages of grief do not occur in a lineal fashion: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. We cycle through them.
I've been through all of them with my XAH. I can accept that he has left in my head but it doesn't mean that I can't cycle backwards and forwards between all the stages as I need to.
There is no right way to do this and no right way to feel.
At this moment I'm enjoying the anger. It gives me the internal power I need in order to go to work, pretend to be normal and provide a safe home for my children.
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,754
(((((((((Fathom))))))))
It's addiction, it was for me, I would be angry and determined to cut him out of my life, then I would start missing him, I would reconnect, things would be great, and no sooner did I think we were back on track and the bottom would fall again, this cycle continued for far too long, I was miserable, so then I would be determined to get him to see that I was right and he was wrong, that what we had was special, that it could be good, and then he would get drunk, call me and there I was again with mister mean and nasty, so many times, too many times. And I hated that I was going through it again. It got to the point where we would make plans, the morning that the plans were made, I would wake up in the morning physically sick. It never ended til I ended it.
Somehow I was always willing and able to forget the bad , and through it all, I changed, and changing was unacceptable to him, it's agony, to have such strong feelings for someone who is incapable of reciprocating. I have a slew of recorded nasty voicemails, when I get weak I listen to a few of them, makes me sick all over again. Guess I used negative reinforcement to learn a new behavior.
I'm sorry you are so sad, for me , going back now just causes new sadness, I am not up for that.
Love to you Katie
It's addiction, it was for me, I would be angry and determined to cut him out of my life, then I would start missing him, I would reconnect, things would be great, and no sooner did I think we were back on track and the bottom would fall again, this cycle continued for far too long, I was miserable, so then I would be determined to get him to see that I was right and he was wrong, that what we had was special, that it could be good, and then he would get drunk, call me and there I was again with mister mean and nasty, so many times, too many times. And I hated that I was going through it again. It got to the point where we would make plans, the morning that the plans were made, I would wake up in the morning physically sick. It never ended til I ended it.
Somehow I was always willing and able to forget the bad , and through it all, I changed, and changing was unacceptable to him, it's agony, to have such strong feelings for someone who is incapable of reciprocating. I have a slew of recorded nasty voicemails, when I get weak I listen to a few of them, makes me sick all over again. Guess I used negative reinforcement to learn a new behavior.
I'm sorry you are so sad, for me , going back now just causes new sadness, I am not up for that.
Love to you Katie
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
Hi, ((Fathom))
For me, after a ton of time and work and hanging out here on SR I learned
that I didn't miss 'him' at all -
what I missed - was the pain.
The pain that I'd been taught 'love' ...was.
The anxiety.
The Seeking.
The stony silence.
All those things that I would later learn that love ..is not.
For me, it's a trigger as much as someone popping open a beer can on a hot day.
(Which shows the depth of alcoholism - I'm allergic to beer and never drank it LOL)
It's a trigger just the same.
Tiggers are, to me, being shown another area that needs some work.
One more part of the Interior Design of this Biological House
that I somehow overlooked.
I think your self-examination is excellent.
And there's a ton of support here to walk through the re-design with you.
Thanks for this post. I needed to see this today.
For me, after a ton of time and work and hanging out here on SR I learned
that I didn't miss 'him' at all -
what I missed - was the pain.
The pain that I'd been taught 'love' ...was.
The anxiety.
The Seeking.
The stony silence.
All those things that I would later learn that love ..is not.
For me, it's a trigger as much as someone popping open a beer can on a hot day.
(Which shows the depth of alcoholism - I'm allergic to beer and never drank it LOL)
It's a trigger just the same.
Tiggers are, to me, being shown another area that needs some work.
One more part of the Interior Design of this Biological House
that I somehow overlooked.
I think your self-examination is excellent.
And there's a ton of support here to walk through the re-design with you.
Thanks for this post. I needed to see this today.
And Presents For Pretty Girls
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 319
Sweeteewalls, I was thinking the same thing!
It's amazing to me that so many of us experience the same situations in these relationships.
Eventually, you do reach a breaking point. A point of no return even though your heart wants something else. You can only take so much and when your body starts responding to the stress levels you have from dealing with an A you know it's time to look after yourself and walk away.
((Hugs)) Fathom.
It's amazing to me that so many of us experience the same situations in these relationships.
Eventually, you do reach a breaking point. A point of no return even though your heart wants something else. You can only take so much and when your body starts responding to the stress levels you have from dealing with an A you know it's time to look after yourself and walk away.
((Hugs)) Fathom.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 284
Thanks, everyone, for your shoulders. Sad has been a relatively new emotion for me. I haven't been sad since the first month or so that I left him. I haven't been confused about my feelings and my inner voice since February. I've really been just angry or numb. That, and desparate to gain some stability and independence back in my life. I almost have that, and I see now that divorcing him will be an important step toward both.
I was tired last night, so probably more susceptible to downer thoughts. I don't think I will choose to go through those emails again voluntarily. They are painful and just remind me of our failed dreams. I know I have the capacity for more dreams in my life and I have the ability to go after them, but it's still incredibly disappointing to have lost that one. It's that potential, I know, that I was in love with all along. He has it in spades. And, I know he is aware of that potential and just struggled too hard to get there.
I'm pretty sure he's found someone else now to start over with. I don't think I'm feeling hurt by that. I'm not taking it personally because I know I can't give him the blank slate that he craves. None of his behavior has been about me, and I've accepted that about him. Now, I just need to do the same thing and make my life about me, and not his potential. Let's just hope this divorce gets over soon. I'm not looking forward to digging in our past some more.
Hugs back to all of you!
Fathom
I was tired last night, so probably more susceptible to downer thoughts. I don't think I will choose to go through those emails again voluntarily. They are painful and just remind me of our failed dreams. I know I have the capacity for more dreams in my life and I have the ability to go after them, but it's still incredibly disappointing to have lost that one. It's that potential, I know, that I was in love with all along. He has it in spades. And, I know he is aware of that potential and just struggled too hard to get there.
I'm pretty sure he's found someone else now to start over with. I don't think I'm feeling hurt by that. I'm not taking it personally because I know I can't give him the blank slate that he craves. None of his behavior has been about me, and I've accepted that about him. Now, I just need to do the same thing and make my life about me, and not his potential. Let's just hope this divorce gets over soon. I'm not looking forward to digging in our past some more.
Hugs back to all of you!
Fathom
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Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,295
Ah...memory lane. I went there yesterday myself...went back to the old neighborhood to meet up with a business associate. Thought about driving past the scene of the crime--our old house--and realized that it is simply too close to Halloween--that place spooks me out.
Like an alcoholic that can't get it beaten into their head that they need to give up the liquor--so I couldn't get it beaten into my head that I needed to give up the alcoholic, for many many years.
Love isn't painful. When we are feelnig pain--that's not love, it's something else. It's resentment, it's lack of validation, it's feeling like they won and we lost, it's the battle of wills, it's so many other possibilities besides love--
When someone's love HURTS, they are NOT loving us.
I understand you had to make that timeline for your attorney...and now you know the consequences of reading those emails, and you smartly choose not to do that again.
Today I feel strong. I realized yesterday driving in the old neighborhood that anytime along our timeline he could have made different choices, and didn't. I also remembered exactly how full of despair I was while driving those same roads, that huge black cloud always above my head, day and night.
I also knew that that black cloud wasn't above my head yesterday. I finally beat it into my head that the past is the past, and love doesn't hurt, but painful actions sure do.
Like an alcoholic that can't get it beaten into their head that they need to give up the liquor--so I couldn't get it beaten into my head that I needed to give up the alcoholic, for many many years.
Love isn't painful. When we are feelnig pain--that's not love, it's something else. It's resentment, it's lack of validation, it's feeling like they won and we lost, it's the battle of wills, it's so many other possibilities besides love--
When someone's love HURTS, they are NOT loving us.
I understand you had to make that timeline for your attorney...and now you know the consequences of reading those emails, and you smartly choose not to do that again.
Today I feel strong. I realized yesterday driving in the old neighborhood that anytime along our timeline he could have made different choices, and didn't. I also remembered exactly how full of despair I was while driving those same roads, that huge black cloud always above my head, day and night.
I also knew that that black cloud wasn't above my head yesterday. I finally beat it into my head that the past is the past, and love doesn't hurt, but painful actions sure do.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Originally Posted by barb dwyer
hi, ((fathom))
for me, after a ton of time and work and hanging out here on sr i learned
that i didn't miss 'him' at all -
what i missed - was the pain.
The pain that i'd been taught 'love' ...was.
The anxiety.
The seeking.
The stony silence.
All those things that i would later learn that love ..is not.
For me, it's a trigger as much as someone popping open a beer can on a hot day.
(which shows the depth of alcoholism - i'm allergic to beer and never drank it lol)
it's a trigger just the same.
Tiggers are, to me, being shown another area that needs some work.
One more part of the interior design of this biological house
that i somehow overlooked.
I think your self-examination is excellent.
And there's a ton of support here to walk through the re-design with you.
Thanks for this post. I needed to see this today.
for me, after a ton of time and work and hanging out here on sr i learned
that i didn't miss 'him' at all -
what i missed - was the pain.
The pain that i'd been taught 'love' ...was.
The anxiety.
The seeking.
The stony silence.
All those things that i would later learn that love ..is not.
For me, it's a trigger as much as someone popping open a beer can on a hot day.
(which shows the depth of alcoholism - i'm allergic to beer and never drank it lol)
it's a trigger just the same.
Tiggers are, to me, being shown another area that needs some work.
One more part of the interior design of this biological house
that i somehow overlooked.
I think your self-examination is excellent.
And there's a ton of support here to walk through the re-design with you.
Thanks for this post. I needed to see this today.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
You can't turn a pickle back into a cucumber. Sorry. If you sit around alone reading email you're headed in the wrong direction: back into a "relationship" with him. I suggest fantasizing about the terrible things he did to you, much more relevant now. Unfortunately time takes time. But at least distract yourself by getting out and being active. Fast walking, watching horror movies, Alanon, calling someone you can talk to about being codependent.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
This is the problem...
...this right here Bless you, but all of the emails are from him. Each and every one of them. They are all from him.
That's the sad reality. Very sad. But reality none the less.
Sorry, and good luck.
Cyranoak
Originally Posted by Fathom
Because some of those emails were from HIM, my H, who I really love and miss terribly.
That's the sad reality. Very sad. But reality none the less.
Sorry, and good luck.
Cyranoak
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 284
So true, Cyranoak. I know I need to accept that he is who he is all of the time, not just at those times when I still like him. I can do this intellectually. I don't know, but it seems so much easier to rationalize why I love him so much when I can separate out the bits that I like. I'm rooting for Him, my H, not the other f-ed up irrational guy that seems to have displaced Him 80% of the time now. If only... Ah well. I know. I'm moving on, really. It didn't work for us. I have a different path now that I'm following, and it's a good one too!
Looking back is hard, and I guess not really recommended sometimes. I hope I can get through this time without too much more of that.
Peace,
Fathom
Looking back is hard, and I guess not really recommended sometimes. I hope I can get through this time without too much more of that.
Peace,
Fathom
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