How should I behave with my recovering addict?
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Join Date: Sep 2012
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How should I behave with my recovering addict?
My boyfriend got addicted to methadone through a family member long before he met me. After a really negative experience, he stopped taking large amounts but for the past two years he still needed to take a tiny amount every day.
We live very far away from each other, an ocean apart.
He wants to move to europe with me but can't while he needs to take methadone.
By the beginning of this spring he had enough of it and wanted off it really badly but he couldn't do it alone so I went to see him this summer and I watched him for 24 hours and helped him off the methadone completely through a very strict diet, to the point that he didn't take any for the last month I was there and he was fine.
The problem is that since I've come back, this family member and him have spoken and he's ended up taking some methadone again. He's not doing it all the time and I keep telling him that they need to be apart and that as much as he thinks he's controlling it now, he ain't. He thinks that he'll be alright taking it once in a while and even though I insist on it all being junkie talk to excuse himself so he doesn't feel so bad taking it, he is not changing his mind.
It hurts me the way he's deceiving himself and how I can do nothing to stop him. It hurts me more knowing that if he was here with me, he wouldn't have access to methadone and he wouldn't need it, just like when I was with him this summer.
I am aware that this family member is a big problem because he will tell him what he wants to hear and provide him with something he won't get otherwise. This family member is on a program and has been his sole source for the past two years.
What should I do? How do I behave? I can't behave as if it was ok for him to do what he's doing but I fear than if I'm too tough on him now that I can't physically watch him he might find it as an excuse to do it more.
We've been together for 4 years and I have seen how the whole thing has developed. From taking large amounts to taking the tiny bit he just can't stop taking cos he feels he needs to take something even though after this summer his body doesn't crave for it anymore.
Any good help will be appreciated. Thank you.
We live very far away from each other, an ocean apart.
He wants to move to europe with me but can't while he needs to take methadone.
By the beginning of this spring he had enough of it and wanted off it really badly but he couldn't do it alone so I went to see him this summer and I watched him for 24 hours and helped him off the methadone completely through a very strict diet, to the point that he didn't take any for the last month I was there and he was fine.
The problem is that since I've come back, this family member and him have spoken and he's ended up taking some methadone again. He's not doing it all the time and I keep telling him that they need to be apart and that as much as he thinks he's controlling it now, he ain't. He thinks that he'll be alright taking it once in a while and even though I insist on it all being junkie talk to excuse himself so he doesn't feel so bad taking it, he is not changing his mind.
It hurts me the way he's deceiving himself and how I can do nothing to stop him. It hurts me more knowing that if he was here with me, he wouldn't have access to methadone and he wouldn't need it, just like when I was with him this summer.
I am aware that this family member is a big problem because he will tell him what he wants to hear and provide him with something he won't get otherwise. This family member is on a program and has been his sole source for the past two years.
What should I do? How do I behave? I can't behave as if it was ok for him to do what he's doing but I fear than if I'm too tough on him now that I can't physically watch him he might find it as an excuse to do it more.
We've been together for 4 years and I have seen how the whole thing has developed. From taking large amounts to taking the tiny bit he just can't stop taking cos he feels he needs to take something even though after this summer his body doesn't crave for it anymore.
Any good help will be appreciated. Thank you.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
It hurts me the way he's deceiving himself and how I can do nothing to stop him. It hurts me more knowing that if he was here with me, he wouldn't have access to methadone and he wouldn't need it, just like when I was with him this summer.
I am aware that this family member is a big problem because he will tell him what he wants to hear and provide him with something he won't get otherwise. This family member is on a program and has been his sole source for the past two years.
What should I do? How do I behave? I can't behave as if it was ok for him to do what he's doing but I fear than if I'm too tough on him now that I can't physically watch him he might find it as an excuse to do it more.
I am aware that this family member is a big problem because he will tell him what he wants to hear and provide him with something he won't get otherwise. This family member is on a program and has been his sole source for the past two years.
What should I do? How do I behave? I can't behave as if it was ok for him to do what he's doing but I fear than if I'm too tough on him now that I can't physically watch him he might find it as an excuse to do it more.
I selected this paragraph from your post because you say, It hurts me more knowing that if he was here with me, he wouldn't have access to methadone and he wouldn't need it, just like when I was with him this summer.
You don't fully appreciate that if an addict doesn't have their DoC, they will substitute. When someone is coming off opiates, it can be very, very dangerous. Your ABF is a very, very sick guy. If he chooses to embrace to recovery, then that's going to be a full-time job, and he won't have the emotional bandwidth to be a loving, responsible partner.
The best gift you can give him is his freedom. If he cleans up his act, embraces recovery, and lives a responsible life, then perhaps down the road you can pursue something. I don't see how you can do that right now.
Please read the sticky note "What Addicts Do". It's stark, it's blunt, and it's honest, and it's really what you're up against.
Be safe, and good luck.
Best,
ZoSo
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Chances are your pereption of his addiction is only a partial true given you are an ocean away and he is the primary source of information.
It sort of sounds like your ego is tied up in your perceived ability to control his addiction. Nothing you can say or do, or not can get or keep him clean. No one is that powerful.
He is living his life as he sees fit to do. His friend is not the problem. Any addict can score dope, anywhere. Geographical cures do not work. Many other drugs can be sustituted for his drug of choice.
Attempts to control other people lead to mutual resentments and do not work.
Doing nothing is always an option. Can you accept him as is/where is, knowing that addiction is progressive?
It sort of sounds like your ego is tied up in your perceived ability to control his addiction. Nothing you can say or do, or not can get or keep him clean. No one is that powerful.
He is living his life as he sees fit to do. His friend is not the problem. Any addict can score dope, anywhere. Geographical cures do not work. Many other drugs can be sustituted for his drug of choice.
Attempts to control other people lead to mutual resentments and do not work.
Doing nothing is always an option. Can you accept him as is/where is, knowing that addiction is progressive?
Iceberg Ahead!
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Out at Sea
Posts: 1,177
You're in the right place here and at Nar-Anon/Al-Anon. We hear you.
Unprepared, here's what ends up happening to US at the hands of addiction:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...st-us-did.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...cy-family.html
Test: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...dependent.html
Welcome to SR, a place for those of us who were or are in it! We all want the "Coodies" - the "codie" feelings and behaviors - gone from our lives!
Unprepared, here's what ends up happening to US at the hands of addiction:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...st-us-did.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...cy-family.html
Test: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...dependent.html
Welcome to SR, a place for those of us who were or are in it! We all want the "Coodies" - the "codie" feelings and behaviors - gone from our lives!
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