Its his birthday but he won't be with me
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 13
Its his birthday but he won't be with me
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Good Morning,
Well since my ABF relapsed 3 months ago he is spiralling downward. He goes to the bar every morning for 4 or 5 hours comes home, eats, naps and goes back to the bar for the evening for another 5 or 6 hours. I don't know if it makes me an enabler but I do drive him and pick him up mainly because of course I don't want him driving drunk. I do not give him money (been there the last time he was doing this about a year ago). He was sober for about 9 months till he relapsed. My worry now is I know he is just about out of money. He told me last night he has about 90$ in his checking account. He has a part time job only 2 days a week and he does go to work but it doesn't pay much. He lost his other job due to drinking and not being able to get up in the morning to make it. I know he is going to start asking me for money and I am not going to give him any and just don't know how I will deal with that fight. The last time he was drinking like this I gave and gave till I was broke and I can't do that again. Since he started drinking again he is verbally mean. We fight almost every night. I try really hard not to react and not fight but sometimes I just loose it and fight back even though I know it will not help. He tells me daily that he is through with me. He starts in with well you left me before, you will do it again. And he loves to bring up the past and of course everything is always my fault....our breakup, me kicking him out of the house, and he is convinced I was sleeping with other men. Tells me everyone at the bar can't believe HE took me back after all the things I did. Of course I know deep down that Alcoholics will stick together and what hurts is he believes them over me. Today is his birthday and he got up at 5:30 am and left for the bar....took the car while I was still sleeping. He woke me up and just said I am leaving be back later. I didn't have time to get up and stop him from driving. He is usually the one who says will you give me a ride because he doesn't want to drive drunk. So now I sit here and worry knowing he is going to have to drive home. And I know even though I planned a special dinner and I bought him a gift and so did my 15 and 17 year old and my daughter made him a cake that he won't be here. I am trying to just get it in my head he won't be here for dinner don't be dissappointed, don't get upset, don't fight just accept it and don't cry so tired of crying everyday. But how do I do that, not get upset that he would rather be with his "buddies" then with me? Thanks for letting me vent a little this morning
Good Morning,
Well since my ABF relapsed 3 months ago he is spiralling downward. He goes to the bar every morning for 4 or 5 hours comes home, eats, naps and goes back to the bar for the evening for another 5 or 6 hours. I don't know if it makes me an enabler but I do drive him and pick him up mainly because of course I don't want him driving drunk. I do not give him money (been there the last time he was doing this about a year ago). He was sober for about 9 months till he relapsed. My worry now is I know he is just about out of money. He told me last night he has about 90$ in his checking account. He has a part time job only 2 days a week and he does go to work but it doesn't pay much. He lost his other job due to drinking and not being able to get up in the morning to make it. I know he is going to start asking me for money and I am not going to give him any and just don't know how I will deal with that fight. The last time he was drinking like this I gave and gave till I was broke and I can't do that again. Since he started drinking again he is verbally mean. We fight almost every night. I try really hard not to react and not fight but sometimes I just loose it and fight back even though I know it will not help. He tells me daily that he is through with me. He starts in with well you left me before, you will do it again. And he loves to bring up the past and of course everything is always my fault....our breakup, me kicking him out of the house, and he is convinced I was sleeping with other men. Tells me everyone at the bar can't believe HE took me back after all the things I did. Of course I know deep down that Alcoholics will stick together and what hurts is he believes them over me. Today is his birthday and he got up at 5:30 am and left for the bar....took the car while I was still sleeping. He woke me up and just said I am leaving be back later. I didn't have time to get up and stop him from driving. He is usually the one who says will you give me a ride because he doesn't want to drive drunk. So now I sit here and worry knowing he is going to have to drive home. And I know even though I planned a special dinner and I bought him a gift and so did my 15 and 17 year old and my daughter made him a cake that he won't be here. I am trying to just get it in my head he won't be here for dinner don't be dissappointed, don't get upset, don't fight just accept it and don't cry so tired of crying everyday. But how do I do that, not get upset that he would rather be with his "buddies" then with me? Thanks for letting me vent a little this morning
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: SAN FRANCISCO
Posts: 1,176
I don't know... I am sorry for your pain though.
When things got to this point with my axbf, our relationship ended. I was angry and irritated that he was at the bar all of the time (and wasn't working at the time), and he also became very argumentative and abusive.
Only you know how much of this pain you can take... if you want to keep things going you could try al-anon but I would just walk away.
When things got to this point with my axbf, our relationship ended. I was angry and irritated that he was at the bar all of the time (and wasn't working at the time), and he also became very argumentative and abusive.
Only you know how much of this pain you can take... if you want to keep things going you could try al-anon but I would just walk away.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
I don't think you should bother trying to not get upset. If you are upset, you are upset. Pretending you aren't is just a means of avoiding dealing with the issue.
It sounds like he has a very detailed plan for trying to make you feel like you don't deserve him. Though who deserves having a partner who spends all his awaking hours at a bar belittling them to his drinking buddies...I don't know. I don't think anyone deserves that. Including you.
It sounds like he has a very detailed plan for trying to make you feel like you don't deserve him. Though who deserves having a partner who spends all his awaking hours at a bar belittling them to his drinking buddies...I don't know. I don't think anyone deserves that. Including you.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
lizziegirl, it may be a blessing that he won't spend his birthday with you and your family. Sounds as of his presence already wrecks much havoc. I know it hurts, but it may be the best thing to stay away from him for the time being.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 583
Well, sounds like it is time to go and give yourself and your girls freedom. Not only by staying are you enduring this but you are staying BY EXAMPLE it is ok. This kind of behavior is OK to live with.
We lead our kids by example, we show them the way by the choices we live and make. I feel for them more than yourself to be honest. I have 4 kids and know/see what my choices do in them, what it shows to them, what it trains in them.
Food for thought.
I would toss all the birthday stuff away and move on. Show them how strong they can be, how they are not slave to a rotten disease.
Your Choice!
AG
We lead our kids by example, we show them the way by the choices we live and make. I feel for them more than yourself to be honest. I have 4 kids and know/see what my choices do in them, what it shows to them, what it trains in them.
Food for thought.
I would toss all the birthday stuff away and move on. Show them how strong they can be, how they are not slave to a rotten disease.
Your Choice!
AG
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Why do you stay with him? What is your payoff? What exactly does he have to offer you and your children?
IMO this relationship is not healthy for you or your children, minor children should never be exposed to addiction of any kind.
Are you attending Alanon meetings? Have you read Codependent No More...how about the stickeys at the top of this and the Family & Friends of Substance Abusers Forum.
All of the above may be a good place to start learning more about codependency & addiction.
IMO this relationship is not healthy for you or your children, minor children should never be exposed to addiction of any kind.
Are you attending Alanon meetings? Have you read Codependent No More...how about the stickeys at the top of this and the Family & Friends of Substance Abusers Forum.
All of the above may be a good place to start learning more about codependency & addiction.
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
(((((lizziegirl)))))
First of all. taking your car (if it is in your name and not both names) is THEFT.
Second, you do not have to put up with this disrespectful behavior, as it is show-
ing your girls a very bad behavior that is acceptable. IT IS NOT ACCEPTABLE!
Third, if your place of residence is in your name (a lease or mortgage) KICK HIM
OUT.
My boundary is: I will not associate or have living with me ANY ADDICT (alcohol
and/or drugs) as they are very TOXIC to my serenity and peace of mind.
You do NOT have to end up broke again. Kick him out. Do not feed him, do not
allow him to use your car, etc Since he 'lost' his job, and it was due to his drinking
you do NOT have to 'support' him financially (GIVING him a place ie. a roof over
his head, electricity, hot and cold running water, and food), nor do you have to
support him emotionally, since all he is doing is trying to manipulate you by de-
grading you and tearing at you self-respect.
You are SO
J M H O
MUCH BETTER THAN THAT!!!!!!
Love and hugs,
First of all. taking your car (if it is in your name and not both names) is THEFT.
Second, you do not have to put up with this disrespectful behavior, as it is show-
ing your girls a very bad behavior that is acceptable. IT IS NOT ACCEPTABLE!
Third, if your place of residence is in your name (a lease or mortgage) KICK HIM
OUT.
My boundary is: I will not associate or have living with me ANY ADDICT (alcohol
and/or drugs) as they are very TOXIC to my serenity and peace of mind.
You do NOT have to end up broke again. Kick him out. Do not feed him, do not
allow him to use your car, etc Since he 'lost' his job, and it was due to his drinking
you do NOT have to 'support' him financially (GIVING him a place ie. a roof over
his head, electricity, hot and cold running water, and food), nor do you have to
support him emotionally, since all he is doing is trying to manipulate you by de-
grading you and tearing at you self-respect.
You are SO
J M H O
MUCH BETTER THAN THAT!!!!!!
Love and hugs,
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Here's a link to responses to your post on the F&F substance abuse forum:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...e-wont-me.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...e-wont-me.html
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 329
Been there done that! Many times! I am sorry and I know how much it hurts. Don't know that it will ever change or maybe for a while! I guess if and when you get to that point....your done or at least you sure hope! I use to drive me crazy and the promise that it would never happen again. In my case, it did! I hope things get better for you.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 23
My axbf's last birthday in July...he had been away for a week in Canada with no cell service. This had been a very hard trip for us in the past...missing each other. I was supposed to go this time but I had recently had rotator cuff surgery and roughing it in the mountains wasn't going to cut it. He gets home late the night of his birthday...18 hour drive. I have a cake and presents ready. I had cleaned up his house (he had just bought a new one and wasn't unpacked). I had special meals prepared all weekend. I am in a sling and incredible pain. He is distant. I am confused. He had just begged me to come back to him, promising not to drink and rage at me. Tuesday we have counseling. He starts with "I know I have done terrible things to you when I have drank too much. I know I was cruel. I know it is unforgiveable but I have changed. I really really get it this time. It won't happen again. I'm not going to stop drinking. Ever. I don't have a problem anymore. I could be dying from liver disease and you can't stop me. You just need to trust me that I won't abuse you again". Wow, that air in Canada must be amazing! I packed up my things from his house and haven't been back. Birthday's are meant for gettiing wasted...I just didn't get the memo.
Lizzigirl, Don't waste anymore of your valuable time in unrealistic expectations.
Lizzigirl, Don't waste anymore of your valuable time in unrealistic expectations.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
