Joy for life
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Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,295
Joy for life
Somewhere within me--yay for me--I know why I'm here on this planet. It's to enjoy life. To see the beauty, to experience awe, to be grateful for small things such as a perfect weather day like today--not hot, not cold, a slight breeze, and sunny.
I believe we are all here for that same reason. That's my view anyway, as I like to look at life in its simplicity...and when I simplify life this way, the answers are clearer.
Today I think I also achieved a new detachment from the AXH. I simply can't take on his burden.
I wanted to be there for him, I knew he was suffering somewhere deep inside although he had an amazingly strong fortress. Truly, I was awed by his strength, and immensely impressed. He suffered a lot in his childhood with several traumas. He endured, survived, but became an alcoholic.
Somewhere along the line I felt that it was my burden to help him carry his burden. As the love of someone who had endured so much, my role was to be there for him for the rest of his life's journey, and he would take care of me in so many small and big ways--financially, health care, safety as a protector, and spoiling me with home cooked meals and many small considerate and thoughtful things that he did for me.
I broke that pact when I left him.
I have spent countless hours reading, searching, learning the personality traits of alcoholics, the connection with their childhoods, the personal pain they silently carry. I vascillated between true compassion and lashing out at him with judgment.
When I broke the pact to stay, I did the unthinkable. He was my husband! Love of my life! If nothing else, we would be there for each other through thick and thin.
So how could I break that pact and do the unthinkable, the unacceptable--leave him?!
I am here on this planet to love life, first and foremost. I couldn't do that living with him in his alcoholic state. I still love him FIERCELY! I have never loved another man that deeply, and I never may again.
You know what, that's ok. It's ok if I'm alone for the rest of my life. He has to choose what to do about his alcoholism, and so far it is status quo. I have to choose loving life.
Reading, suffering, enduring, studying, problem solving constantly...it all became too exhausting. He has a choice, he knows what it is, and it is about him and his ability to love life. I have the same responsibility to do what I have to do to love life. We each have this responsibility first, a priority, over suffering for someone else. Life loses its meaning if we are removed from the beauty of it.
Life really has to be that simple for me. I have exhausted the reading and studying and problem solving paths. I could study this subject until the cow flew over the moon, and never find through studying this condition the path to making him love life enough to quit.
One day I was simply worn out. That was my bottom. Leaving him was not what I wanted, and I was not happy with that outcome, and it was extremely painful. He still has time to change his mind as long as he is alive--and choose to find the path back to loving life.
Meanwhile my own internal clock ticks on. I have a responsibility to myself to seek joy in life as long as I am alive.
We each have that responsibility. We don't often think of loving life as a responsibility. I think it's tiime we do. Why else are we here? To suffer? To endure? To fight battles we have no control over? To be in constant imbalance, pain, and upheaval?
That can't be why we are here.
I have to choose the path to the light. I have to choose the little girl on the playground gleefully discovering life, not the woman sitting worn out in the chair despondent, depressed, and beaten down.
May he someday also choose the path to loving life. Not the fake path--full of unnatural intoxication, and constant confusion as to what the true path is, but the path with natural intoxication--love of life.
This is what letting go looks like. It is very difficult, and it has hurt immensely, but when I think of the hurt, I think no...I choose the good feelings in life, not to feel the pain anymore.
I let go of him, and now I am going to let go of the pain of letting go of him. Let go of the burden. We can't appreciate life carrying that weight on our backs. We have to let it go.
This sounds so strong. Today's a good day. May it last.
I believe we are all here for that same reason. That's my view anyway, as I like to look at life in its simplicity...and when I simplify life this way, the answers are clearer.
Today I think I also achieved a new detachment from the AXH. I simply can't take on his burden.
I wanted to be there for him, I knew he was suffering somewhere deep inside although he had an amazingly strong fortress. Truly, I was awed by his strength, and immensely impressed. He suffered a lot in his childhood with several traumas. He endured, survived, but became an alcoholic.
Somewhere along the line I felt that it was my burden to help him carry his burden. As the love of someone who had endured so much, my role was to be there for him for the rest of his life's journey, and he would take care of me in so many small and big ways--financially, health care, safety as a protector, and spoiling me with home cooked meals and many small considerate and thoughtful things that he did for me.
I broke that pact when I left him.
I have spent countless hours reading, searching, learning the personality traits of alcoholics, the connection with their childhoods, the personal pain they silently carry. I vascillated between true compassion and lashing out at him with judgment.
When I broke the pact to stay, I did the unthinkable. He was my husband! Love of my life! If nothing else, we would be there for each other through thick and thin.
So how could I break that pact and do the unthinkable, the unacceptable--leave him?!
I am here on this planet to love life, first and foremost. I couldn't do that living with him in his alcoholic state. I still love him FIERCELY! I have never loved another man that deeply, and I never may again.
You know what, that's ok. It's ok if I'm alone for the rest of my life. He has to choose what to do about his alcoholism, and so far it is status quo. I have to choose loving life.
Reading, suffering, enduring, studying, problem solving constantly...it all became too exhausting. He has a choice, he knows what it is, and it is about him and his ability to love life. I have the same responsibility to do what I have to do to love life. We each have this responsibility first, a priority, over suffering for someone else. Life loses its meaning if we are removed from the beauty of it.
Life really has to be that simple for me. I have exhausted the reading and studying and problem solving paths. I could study this subject until the cow flew over the moon, and never find through studying this condition the path to making him love life enough to quit.
One day I was simply worn out. That was my bottom. Leaving him was not what I wanted, and I was not happy with that outcome, and it was extremely painful. He still has time to change his mind as long as he is alive--and choose to find the path back to loving life.
Meanwhile my own internal clock ticks on. I have a responsibility to myself to seek joy in life as long as I am alive.
We each have that responsibility. We don't often think of loving life as a responsibility. I think it's tiime we do. Why else are we here? To suffer? To endure? To fight battles we have no control over? To be in constant imbalance, pain, and upheaval?
That can't be why we are here.
I have to choose the path to the light. I have to choose the little girl on the playground gleefully discovering life, not the woman sitting worn out in the chair despondent, depressed, and beaten down.
May he someday also choose the path to loving life. Not the fake path--full of unnatural intoxication, and constant confusion as to what the true path is, but the path with natural intoxication--love of life.
This is what letting go looks like. It is very difficult, and it has hurt immensely, but when I think of the hurt, I think no...I choose the good feelings in life, not to feel the pain anymore.
I let go of him, and now I am going to let go of the pain of letting go of him. Let go of the burden. We can't appreciate life carrying that weight on our backs. We have to let it go.
This sounds so strong. Today's a good day. May it last.
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