itsmylifenow

I am just a basketful of mixed emotions at the moment.

Trying so hard to be positive in my mind that I'm not going to be messed up forever and maybe, must maybe, I will actually find someone to be with again. It feels like everybody has somebody, or they are all moving on and I'm just stuck here.

I've been making such good effort not to contact the xabf. In fact, I have resisted the urge to call; I haven't had the major, emotionally strong urge to drive by his house or where I know he's at..which I'm very proud of myself for not doing. I thank whoever told me in a post once about the feelings coming in as waves and letting it wash over you. And, that you didn't have to act on them. I remember how he lied and I know I don't want someone like that in my life, and that helps me get through it.

So, there are positives there. But, my mind still gets obsessed at times. I know it doesn't matter, and that I need to focus on me and not him, but there is this part of me that is so curious over whether him and the xgf are actually together or not. I KNOW it doesn't matter. I just want that moment to prove to myself that I wasn't wrong in what I saw and heard. I want it to be a rub-it-in-his-face-I-knew-it kind of thing.

I am thinking about him still more than I'd like to. I yell "stop" at myself whenever I hear his name pop in my head or start re-living their conversation. I'm working on getting over that.

Now, I feel stupid. Stupid in that the last time we had sex it felt wonderful to me. Stupid that for all the problems we were having and how toxic the relationship was, I had decided to give it a real shot. Stupid because it was the need for a relationship that even had me considering it. Stupid for continuing to think about this guy more than I should.

I feel betrayed. I am angry and want to kick his ass. And, hers.

Yet, I am thankful. Thankful this all happened to finally, and I mean FINALLY, make me walk away from this toxic piece of crap and have my life back.

It just feels like it's taking too much time. I'm tired of dealing with all the constant introspection because I'm co-dependent, tired of worrying that I'm going to make the same mistake again, tired of wanting to be in a relationship but feeling sick to my stomach at the thought of even dating anyone. I'm tired of hearing his voice in my head whenever I look in the mirror and see all those things he used to pick on me for.

I'm just tired of still being in this place. I know I've moved forward and it takes time, I guess I'm just having a moment.

Thanks SR for being my sounding board, when I just need a place to vent.

SparkleKitty

Please, have your moment. Have the next one! Vent away...

itsmylifenow

See, I was hoping a new day would make the difference, but it hasn't.

My friend posted pictures on FB of something she was doing yesterday that included one of him. Of course, the gf was there too, even though it wasn't a pic of them together.

I know there is something going on tonight. I need to go and see if they show up together. I need to see if they hold hands, are they really a couple? I need to know because I can't take not knowing anymore.

Will it hurt me? Probably.

Will it do me any good? Probably not.

Will it help me to move on? I don't know. I can't answer that question.

I know I feel sick to my stomach still at the thought of them together. More about the lying I think than the actual act. They can have each other, because they are both cheaters and addicts.

Is this withdrawal stuff going to keep happening? Because I'm losing it. I have no one to help me fight this but me, and my emotions are getting the best of me.

All I keep hearing in my head is nobody wants me. Nobody decent anyways.

I feel like such a mess. Damn it.

Hopeworks

Would it help if I told you that what you are feeling are chemicals? Stupid chemicals in your brain that are stupid?

It is not LOVE. It is not anything healthy. What those chemicals are doing is trying to get you to go back to someone that you were in a physical, intimate relationship with because it what nature intended.

Nature intends for man to mate for life just like swans, gibbons, french angelfish, wolves, black vultures, bald eagles, turtle doves and even termites.

None of those creatures has access to the liquor store or some of them might break up with their mate!!!

So... feelings are chemical. Emotion vs. Reason. Do not allow the thoughts to remain...do WHATEVER you need to do to take your mind off of the XA who is poison.

What do you LOVE? What is your passion? If you do not have a hobby GET ONE! Join a class.. take up painting, photography, bicycling, ... something.

Time will heal the pain. It will fade. In 6 months you will be where I am at...wondering why I was so emeshed with a complete waste of my time and energy. He is just as drunk as he was the first relapse years and years ago.

I just kept him from completely falling apart on my watch.

It's not my watch anymore... never shoud have been.

So get ready... it's hard to shake an A and he will be back knocking on your door. And YOU DO NOT WANT TO OPEN THE DOOR!!!!

So get strong! For you. Your mind is the battlefield. It is your strength. You are not a termite or a gibbon. You are a smart beautiful woman with the rest of your life ahead of you.

It can be wonderful. It can an adventure. The person you are looking for is YOU!!!!

You don't need a man to complete you. When you are complete and healthy and happy in yourself you will be ready for Mr. Right. Will you know what red flags are by then???

I used to collect red flags like party favors! Now I don't ... at least for today. One day at a time...thats what we do to get where we need to be.

By the way. I dumped my toxic XA 7 months ago and I am now in the Florida Keys tanned and happy and diving for lobster every day. I don't even think about my XA anymore and I used to have him on my mind with every breath I took...he was my life.

Now I have MY OWN LIFE and it is GREAT!!!! You can make it. You can change you life.

Quit looking back... just for this minute. Just for today. Do something fun and then come back and tell what you did.

Today I am going to hope it stops raining so I can go out on the boat and dive.

itsmylifenow

I know time is the healer here. You are right about that Never being apart more than a month in the last 3 years has me believing the past will repeat itself. And, that I may never move beyond this.

Honestly, his distraction with someone else is a blessing to me. it's what keeps him from contacting me and wanting to be friends. It allows me to heal and move past this.

Seems like these feelings come when I'm tired, early in the morning and later at night. I'm working on keeping my brain occupied with other things. Just got a call for a job interview tomorrow so I'm hopeful that will start moving me in a different direction and put more focus on me.

I think it really is MY life now. Maybe I'm just not used to that being true.

ZiggyB

I agree with Hopeworks...

We get very attached to people but that is not always healthy for us. You will be fine in due time, meanwhile I wouldn't go anywhere where you would find the two of them together. Why subject yourself to the pain?

I know it is difficult but try to focus on something else instead of what he is doing. I find that meditation helps me with the obsessive and anxious thoughts.

ZiggyB

Someone posted this a few months ago and I just found it, definitely worth a read

The Brain Chemistry of Being a Loved One
~Lori Pate
B.A Psychology
University of Texas at Austin

Many people who have loved an addict have felt like they were going insane from all the chaos, worry, regret, fear, anger, confusion and more that comes with caring for someone who is in active drug addiction.*

It seems reasonable that if the addict would just stop using, everything would return to normal and a happy life would resume. There is usually more going on though. There are chemical changes happening not just in the brain of the addict, but also in the brain of the loved one.

"What? I'm not the crazy one! The addict in my life is the only one going crazy, not me!"*

That isn't always true. The chemical changes in the brain of a loved one should be understood to help speed recovery. Chemical changes in the brain of someone who is constantly in a state of stress, fear, anxiety and anger are not insignificant and are accompanied by withdrawal symptoms just like an addict who stops using.*

The brain uses chemical messengers, called neurotransmitters, to allow us to feel feelings. Hunger, thirst, desire, satisfaction, frustration, fear and every human emotion are felt by the activity of chemical messengers in the brain. The most important messenger in this situation is norepinephrine (also known as adrenaline).*

Norepinephrine is known as the "fight or flight" chemical messenger. This chemical is what causes us to feel a rush of energy when faced with a dangerous situation. Proper activity and levels of this messenger help humans get and keep themselves safe from harm. This chemical gives us the super-human abilities to outrun an attacker or think quickly in an emergency.*

When a dangerous situation is perceived, norepinephrine is released in the brain. Receptors in the brain have "parking spaces" for the chemical to "park" in, which deliver the message. Once the chemical is plugged in, we feel a burst of energy, and a drive to get ourselves safe, take action, run or fight.*

After the event is over, the messenger is released from the parking spot, and recycled to use again later. We begin to feel calmer and safer. The rush subsides. Heart rates return to normal. The feelings of fear and anxiety subside.*

This happens all the time in all healthy humans.*

But the human brain does not like constant stimulation. As soon as we are excited from a chemical message, the brain goes to work to return levels to normal. There are several mechanisms that work to do this. First, the chemicals are picked up by "reuptake" chemicals. Think of them like a tow truck. They are constantly floating around, looking for a chemical to tow back home. Recycling the chemicals restores levels to normal.*

If constant stimulation occurs, causing constant chemical messages, recycling isn't enough. So the brain, in its effort to regain a normal balance, will begin destroying the chemicals permanently. If we are constantly in fight or flight mode, the brain determines that we have too many "fight or flight" messengers, so destroys them.*

For someone who actually has too much adrenaline in their brain, this is helpful. But for someone who is constantly in a situation where they really are put under stress, and are triggered to respond to fear over and over, the destruction of their chemical messengers begins to cause a brain chemistry imbalance.*

There is a third mechanism that the brain uses to restore balance. After recycling and destroying the messenger chemicals, if the brain is still being over-stimulated, it will destroy the parking spaces that the chemicals plug into. These are called dendrites. Once a dendrite is destroyed,it can not be repaired. It will never again receive the chemical message it was designed to receive. It is like yanking out the phone cord of a phone that won't stop ringing. It will never ring again.*

When a loved one is in a constant state of worry and fear, the brain first experiences stimulation. It feels imperative for the loved one to take action, sometimes desperate action, in an attempt to remedy the fearful situation. If this stimulation continues day after day, the brain can not tolerate the constant stimulation and starts taking action to regain balance. Adrenaline is destroyed. Receptors are destroyed.*

This is when the insanity of being a loved one really takes off. The loved one is no longer chemically balanced. Several things happen at this point:*

****Things that used to signal danger no longer feel so dangerous. There simply aren't enough "danger" chemicals or receptors to accurately convey the appropriate feelings. At this point loved ones may begin accepting very dangerous situations as OK. For example they may feel it is a good idea to track down a loved one at a dealer's house, or accept a loved one who is violent and abusive in their home. They may make a choice to allow a dangerous person to be around their children. This is not because the loved one just isn't making good choices. More accurately it is because their brain chemistry has been altered by the constant chaos, and they no longer have the right feelings that would initiate safe choices. Unacceptable behavior doesn't feel as truly dangerous as it is. ****

Still, some loved ones are aware enough to know they should stop being in a dangerous situation. When the loved one stops contact with the addict in their life, that is when withdrawal sets in.*

Withdrawal occurs when the brain is accustomed to a particular level of chemical activity, and that level is suddenly reduced.*

A loved one who has become accustomed to constant stimulation from fear and concern, who then suddenly finds themselves in a safe, calm environment, will feel withdrawal because their brains have adjusted to a high level of adrenaline.*

Withdrawal symptoms cause the loved one to feel quite uncomfortable. They will feel sad, have sleep problems, and feel that something is missing or just not quite right. This will cause the loved one to feel a desire to reach back out to the chaos they were accustomed to. The chaos will cause a hit of adrenaline to occur. This is the exact same cycle that an active drug addict goes through: stimulation followed by withdrawal. Withdrawal feelings cause a desire to be stimulated again, because the brain does not like extremes.*

Because the loved one who has undergone chemical changes has lower than normal adrenaline activity in the brain, they will crave stimulation. They will feel an overwhelming desire to "check on" the addict, or to take a phone call even though they know it will not have the end result of a pleasant conversation. They will engage in arguments that they know have no possibility of being resolved while the addict in their life is still in active addiction. The will feel drawn back to the fear and worry they just escaped.*

An extreme example of this is seen when a battered spouse continues to return to their abuser despite having other options.*

This is the brain chemistry side of the chaos cycle of being a loved one.*

So does it ever get better?*

Yes! It absolutely can get better.*

The human body can make more adrenaline, to replace what was destroyed when under constant stress. Not quickly, but slowly, it can replenish the levels of adrenaline so that the person feels normal, without needing chaos in their life to achieve a balance.*

The human body makes neurochemicals from our food intake. A healthy, protein rich diet gives the body the building blocks it needs to make more adrenaline. Regular light exercise, a normal sleep pattern, a safe environment, and a healthy diet will help the brain recover.

LifeRecovery

The good news is in my experience it does get better.

The bad news is that it takes a lot longer than what we think it should.

Two to five years is the average length of time it takes from healing from an affair. That does not include the addiction part of it (which for me has been worse).

It is not always as hard as it is right now either (you won't feel like this for the next two years). For me the first six to eight months were really rough, then things settled down quite a bit.

Hugs, this is hard stuff, all of it.

NYCDoglvr

I suggest substituting him (and thinking about him) with action. Start fast walking, go to Al-anon, do some volunteer work, whatever. It's nearly impossible to tell the mind to shut up if you don't pick another direction. Watch horror movies, get out of the house. I've been through obsession with the ex and it was awful ... like a bunch of bees swarming in my head..........relief only came when I did something.